For the 26th time since 1985 the people have spoken.  The people at People magazine, anyway, who've crowned Bradley Cooper 2011's "Sexiest Man Alive." Brad assumes the mantle of being "the benchmark of male attractiveness" and based on his pictures, he's got the shoulders, abs and pecs to manhandle the heavy burden.

Ryan Gosling fans are outraged.  Rumors abound they're going to stage a recall effort that will make the Scott Walker affair look like a lunchroom tiff over who gets the last juice box.

Personally, I think the two are interchangeable.  Both are easy on the eyes. Both are pretty good actors.  They both seem reasonably intelligent.  Yes, the article notes that  Brad speaks French but so what?  A lot of people do, including a whole country.  And it's easy enough to learn if you believe the Rosetta Stone learn-a-foreign language-while-you-floss ads .  Wee wee. There, I spoke French.   Now I'm sexy.  

Ryan does strum a baglamas.  

What is a baglamas?

Based on the picture of him strolling with his baglamas in People as he walks around NYC, it's a tiny little thing, like a mini guitar.  With what he gets paid per movie, why couldn't he afford a whole guitar is what I'd like to know.

Either one of them could easily assume his place among the pantheon of 26 blindingly white previous winners (except for Denzel Washington, 1996's SMA).   These guys set the gold standard for sexiness.

Or do they?

It depends on how one defines "sexy."

SEXY:  1.  Sexually suggestive or stimulating (erotic).  2.  Generally attractive or interesting (appealing).

Synonyms:  arousing, inviting, provocative, sensuous, suggestive, titillating.

Personally, I take a holistic approach to the term "sexy" and feel both definitions 1. and 2. must apply along with all the antonyms, before I confer that honor.  For me, People's SMA selections are a bit lacking and I can't believe I'm the only one who feels this way.  In a world made up of individuals with vastly different preferences and proclivities in all areas of their lives, I'm sure there are many of us who long for a little more variety with a designation like "Sexiest Man Alive."

Not everyone likes  pretty white men.  Not everyone likes men.  And who says they have to be alive to be sexy.

I decided to create my own award because as most of us have heard at one time or another, there's more than one fish in the sea.  There's plenty of other things in there too; not everyone even likes fish. And it's a pretty big sea. 

I call my award the "Sexiest Entity Around." SEA for short.  Deciding on the first-ever SEA Creature winner wasn't easy by any means.  All 30 of us (me plus my 29 personalities who assisted in the arduous selection process) fought, laughed, cried, and nearly came to blows on more than one occasion as we tried to come to a consensus.  But after I slapped them around a little then bribed them with a fancy meal and the promise of  lots of drugs, we were able to make a satisfactory choice that pleased us all.

So,without further ado, I give you my - their - our - 2011 SEA Winner:

Professor Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking may seem a strange choice at first blush.  Let's be upfront here, he's not physically appealing.  He's confined to a wheelchair, he can hardly move and he talks with a synthesized voice.    But therein lies the true sexiness of Mr. Hawking.  If you subscribe to the belief that sex is 99% mental, then this man is the John Holmes of theoretical physics.  

Calling him smart is like saying The Incredible Hulk is in good shape.   

Prof. Hawking, who is 69, suffers from ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis).  By the time he was in his early thirties he could barely speak or get out of bed.  He should have been dead a long time ago.  How a person could accept a condition like this let alone transcend it and author best-selling books, lecture and make astounding contributions to science and cosmology underscores what C.S. Lewis once said:  "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul.  You have a body."  

His body is irrelevant.  Brad and Ryan and those other guys can provide a good time here on earth but can they take you on a guided tour of the universe?  So what if he doesn't play a baglamas.  I'll bet Ryan really can't play it either. 

I would love to go on a trip with Stephen Hawking.  How many of us can roam the cosmos and never get lost or fight about stopping to ask for directions.  He wouldn't even need a GPS.  That is hugely sexy.  

Below are some of the runners up. 

Yoda:  The powerful Star Wars Jedi Master is deceptively cute, cuddly and benign looking.  But he has a surpringly "dark" side that's really sexy; he's a fierce warrior who can wield a light sabre like nobody's business.  Plus age wouldn't matter with someone like Yoda.  At 865 years in Episode 1, he wouldn't give a wookie about a few lines and crows feet in someone he dated.  Then there's his endearing object-subject-verb manner of speech.  Can you imagine him reciting poetry? 

"With me grow old; yet to be the best is.  Yes, hmmmm."

Jerome "Chef" McElroy (Chef on Southpark):  In the weird world of Southpark, Colorado, Chef's soothing, liquid velvet voice (really Isaac Hayes) is most often the voice of reason, if that word can even be applied to Southpark.  He loves children and "the children" are fiercely loyal to Chef; they even prevented him from marrying a succubus once.  And he knows his way around a kitchen.  Chef can cook my goose anytime.

Suze Orman:  Suzy! Suzi! Suze!  Yes, she's physically hot in her black leather jacket and sassy little honey-blonde haircut.  But even more important, she's smart about money and money smarts = sexy.  My fellow judges and I agree we'd yield our dividends and let her acquire our assets any old time she asked.

Brian Griffin (Family Guy):  He's an intellectual, martini-swilling, talking dog, who's also a writer, culturally inclined and witty.  Yet he's not a snob.  Then again, how could he be, living with those pigs the Griffins.   Brian is tolerant and patient, also sexy attributes.  And the best thing about him?  He'd never leave the toilet seat up.

Peter Dinklage:  The handsome, 4'5" actor is a hugely talented guy, has worked steadily since 1995 (that in itself is sexy) and then there's those dreamy eyes.  What's really a turn-on about Peter is how comfortable he is in his body; he has the presence of a bigger man.  He exudes self-confidence.  Sexy.

Genie (from "Aladdin": )  He's big, he's blue, he can make all your dreams come true.   Sure he's hyper and excitable which is a little frightening when he can make himself as big as Mount Rushmore.  But he doesn't have a bad temper; he's a big ole' softy.  He's also funny as hell and a great singer.  Spending eternity with Genie in a tiny bottle sounds like an appealing prospect.

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"Sexy" is such a fluid, nebulous term, subject to interpretation and individual taste, which is why People's annual SMA announcement bores me.  Most everyone has something sexy about them if one is willing to take the time to look beyond the obvious.  I am also certain most  people have their own version of a SEA creature.   If you do, please share.