There were too many invitations and not enough time. I couldn't possibly choose one over the other; the hosts of all those other soirees that I didn't attend would have found out and been slighted. And then there'd have been the question of whom to kiss when the clock gonged the magical midnight hour.
The wives and girlfriends would have been furious when they closed their eyes and puckered up, only to discover their honeys gathered on bended knees in a hopeful circle around yours truly. Since I don't like to play favorites, I'd have had to kiss them all. It would have made for a very long night.
So here I am instead.
Okay, there were two invites. The same two I get every year, then blow off. It's no big deal and they ask just to be polite.
I've had more than my share of New Years Eve fun and don't feel any sense of lack. I don't drink anymore and by this time of night I'd be feeling like the odd one out in more ways than one. Let's just say the wives and girlfriends wouldn't be worrying about their beloveds.
Things might have been different if I'd made different choices over the years. Choices in both my actions and my words. Especially my words. It is a wonder two people I know still extend invitations to me, especially since one of them is my sister-in-law. I haven't always been kind to her.
Over the last decade, I've burned a lot of bridges. Set fire to them with my own tongue. I've said things to people who loved me and cared about me that some might find unforgivable. That a few love and care still is a tribute to them and makes me hopeful for the future.
I've always had a wayward tongue although I rarely used it to inflict pain. But I was often thoughtless.
There was a time when I didn't think words mattered much, when I assumed I could say anything I wanted and because I quickly forgot, so would the person to whom they were directed.
One morning I said something to my husband as he was leaving for work. When I didn't hear the front door open and close I glanced in his direction and saw his suited back. He was standing there, hand on the doorknob.
"What," I said impatiently. "You're behind me in the drive and I have to leave too. What."
He didn't turn around. "Did you ever think that words carry weight, Margaret. That they don't just evaporate when they come out of your mouth. That they stick."
I laughed, a little.
Then he said, "What you said to me. What if it was the last thing you ever said to me. Think about it."
That made me mad, especially since I couldn't even remember what I'd said.
"Go to work and stop being all preachy," I yelled. He did go to work and fortunately, those weren't the last words I said to him.
I learned about their weight after he died.
After Keith died I groomed and trained my tongue until I barely had to think before I opened my mouth. It always struck its target.
Words became a stand-in for tears. If I'd been able to cry like a normal person, maybe I'd have not only been a more sympathetic figure but I wouldn't have driven others out of my life. Perhaps there'd have been more invitations.
Instead I was like the scorpion in the fable.
A scorpion asks a frog for a ride on its back in order to cross a river. The frog is hesitant but the scorpion argues that if he stung the frog they'd both drown. The frog then agrees but halfway across the river, the scorpion does indeed sting him, dooming them both. As they're drowning the frog asks why and the scorpion answers, "Because it's my nature."
I don't know if it's my nature or just a bad habit, cultivated over the years. I hope it's the latter.
I think I've mellowed some but my resolution for the new year is to be mindful of my tongue and think before I speak, to enforce a five-second delay lest I say something I regret, especially if I'm angry. It seems like a reasonable resolution. Actually, it's a good habit to acquire any time of the year because words do stick, like double-sided tape.
Trite and preachy as it sounds, one never does know when the words he says to another will be the last ones. I'm going to try to remind myself of that as well.
Thank goodness for small favors. The time it mattered most they also rolled off my tongue without much thought behind them, but at least I didn't fuck it up.
My last words to him were "I love you."
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Poor Woman
Terry McKenna
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jmac1949
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Comments
No truer words could be spoken than those here, Margaret. A fine and masterful piece of writing. Thank you for it.
Happy New Year.
an excellent piece, as always. i was right here, writing at midnight on the eve like you. parties? pfffffft. happy 2012, girl.
bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison."
Hey Margaret, great post here.
Just some of us have opinions and attitudes that collide with our hearts. You were so bare and true in your words. Thank you!
I am a Scorpio, but not a scorpion. It was the way I learned to talk, to deal with hurt or frustration~ I'm so much better than I was when I was younger, but this year it's a Resolution. Something to be mindful of.
Happy New Year, Margaret. ~r
And they've received a plethora of compliments.
I just hope that you don't get to feeling smug at your "confession" and these plaudits. Now that your blather is done, will you really change? Or is it just "your nature" to do this.
Perhaps by this time next year, you - not we - will know how true to your word you can be....
.
Happy New Year, Margaret. I'm glad to have met you.
P.S. does this mean you're going to stop calling me a filthy, disgusting dyke (who you not so secretly lust after????)?
Your last line made me sniffle into my coffee... (I was going to add "bitch", but that would not do.) (smooch)
I've learned that some do get hurt, and some really can hold a grudge ;(
I used to beleive that if somoene intentionally try to hurt me than.... gloves off. But, with age , I've had to work on that too. Age and wisdom are a pain in the ass.
Happy New Years to you.
I declined because you (no flirting aloud there),
Little Kate - down the scroll list to Matt Paust-
Would not be there to kiss under the mistletoe.
I had one invite to Michele's annual gathering.
Michele (one 'L') said there's no hell in Michele.
Michele use to be a farm partner on the records.
We even filed tax papers so we could buy beets.
Read FEDCO. It's the best beet seed catalogue.
Michele got lured off by a male ponytail poet.
Michelle and I talk. She cries sometimes. Me?
One thing that makes a man cry is female tears.
I decided I'd visit the two Grandchildren instead.
Today we gather at my sisters for spiced kale etc.,
We'll play a game and fight over joke gifts for free.
The gifts are wrapped pretty. I wrap TP up. Honest.
Some people rob Wall bathrooms of 'Charnmin' tissue.
No steal two roles. If you do. Stuff TP in back pockets.
Playing ZZ Tops Greatest Hits, coffee, buttered toast, dancing between bookshelves, and target practice later. Ammo is so damn
pricey!
Coffee, the cup of kindness! ox
I have been working on the practice of skilled speech for years. It's the hardest thing, and like Candace said, the results are not that my sharp words cease, but that they are spoken less often, and also that my unwise speech is tempered with more incidences of kind words. Thich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful technique, to carry a small notebook at all times, and write down sharp words, review them after some amount of time has passed, then consider speaking them. What I love about this "technique" is that what it really says is shut up!
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all">
Trite - but she was right.
Happy new year! /r
Two Mississippi
Three Mississippi
Four Mississippi
Five Mississippi...
Happy New Year Margaret!
Great piece, and I wish you success with your resolution.
r./
Lezlie
Kate: Thank you and Happy New Year to you as well.
Algis: Good thoughts and cheer, no better way to move forward.
Candace: Hardest lesson to learn, I think. I'm glad to know change is possible. Happy 2012 to you too. Parties? That's so 2011.
DandyLion: Absolutely right; thoughts can either set you free or imprison you.
Rita: Sarcasm, yeah, I love sarcasm. We've got some of that in my family. Love you too.
zanelle: I am so glad you got your chance. Words can make all the difference in the world. "Not always easy but always worth it." So very true.
trilogy: Thank you for that.
Mango: It seems like such a small thing but I've found pausing to think can make a world of difference. So would a "rewind" button, which would be preferable; maybe the next generation of cell phones will have that feature.
Joan: Maybe we could start a support group; I don't know about you but I need all the help I can get!
sky: I'm pretty sure I can change. In fact, you've made me even more determined. For example, if you were a frog and I was a scorpion and we were crossing a river together, I'd wait until we we were safely on the other side before I stung you. HNY, and may God bless you, kitty cat.
Phyllis: I figure if it works for eating food dropped on the floor, then it can work for other things too. Glad I met you too.
jsathre: That's a wonderful thing to say and thank you. If I had to type everything to the people in my life instead of talking to them, we'd probably all be better off. But if you can't imagine unkind words coming out of my mouth just read on, for what I'm about to say to Amy (below).
Aimless Amy: There's exceptions to everything and in this case you would be it. I don't have a heart, Amy. I'm a medical miracle. That's why my resolution is going to be so difficult to keep. But I have never called you a filthy disgusting dyke.
In the past I may have called you a smutty detestable degenerate. Or a vulgar perverse pestilence. Or even a foul and odious offense to all womankind. But never a filthy disgusting dyke.
And I'm not going to start in the New Year. Rest assured however that just because I'm not going to say the words, doesn't mean I won't be thinking them. As for "secretly lusting" - I secretly lust after a new Coach purse; I don't lust, secretly or otherwise, after filthy disgusting dykes. Happy New Year!
Myriad: If you sniffled into your coffee I hope nothing also dripped into it. Note to self: Do not accept a cup of coffee made my Myriad.
clay ball: Unfortunately for me, the right words don't always come spontaneously; the wrong ones do. Glad that I shared this with you and if it helps someone else to bite their tongue then I am truly glad I wrote this.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Hope you're year is as good or better than it needs to be.
(In truth, I have those epiphanies on my own sins of omission or commission w re to the beautiful bride, it's ever a lesson in patience and volitional love--so thank you again.)
as far as the scorpion story, as I recall the way I heard it was that the scorpion and the frog got to the other side & THEN the scorpion stung the frog. it takes on a much different meaning that way..... a real betrayal.... both versions are interesting....
And YES, one "I Love You" CAN make up for a multitude of thoughtless words if the two people loved each other like Margaret and Keith did.
And NO, I didn't make any resolutions to watch my tongue so I feel just fine telling you exactly what a douchewaffle I think you are for implying otherwise.
P.S. Make ignorant, hurtful, inane comments much, dickwad???
(P.P.S. Sorry, Margaret. You might be a skanky ho with fake boobs, but vzn's comments were wrong and uncalled for)
Many times your words have amazed, delighted ,
inspired, and taught me. I look forward to much , uh, ha, Tongue
from u in the future.
Being bipolar, I used to get manic & very very talkative. Minor annoyances
like other people’s feelings
I annihilated with poetic flair.
I still dream about all the people who were once so important, whom
I shall likely never see or talk to again.
My own brother & his family.
I still get carried away at times, but at least on OS everyone is a damn misfit lunatic.
Excluding you, of course.
Proverb xxi, 23
“whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles”
Shakespeare:
“Bid me hold my tongue/for in this rapture I shall surely speak/the thing that I repent”
Wyclif:
“Tunge brekith boon, al if the tunge himself have noon”
(?)
My dear friend, who celebrated her 87th b-day last yr,
told me 10 seconds.
Matt: I'm glad to know I'm not the only one and that you saw this as healing. I too am most likely to use my most "venomous" ones when I feel I'm being cornered. Love the new avatar!
Art: So you didn't go to the loco bar; if I'd been invited to a loco bar I may have gone. You say you wrap TP? Do you wrap it in TP? I don't know what public restrooms you use but tell me which ones have Charmin and those are the ones I'll steal from; the ones I go to only have the cheap one-ply kind. Too rough! I only steal magazines from waiting rooms. Pages of which can double as TP in a pinch. Hope you had a nice time with the grandkids. Spiced kale though...
J.P: I don't know the price of ammo these days but coffee can be pretty expensive too, depending on your taste. Don't get carried away and knock the bookshelves over; buttered toast can have that effect sometimes. HNY to you too.
Jane: Love to you from Columbus. Isn't it too early for daisies? I was expecting to see Jane "Father Time" Smithie or something like that!
greenheron: That is an excellent technique. Sometimes we just love to hear ourselves talk more than anything. Telling someone to shut up is rude unless you're saying it to yourself, in which case it can be good advice. Also, one thing I've tried and found is really effective is writing a letter letting it all rip, then destroying it. Thanks for sharing that.
podunkmarte: Thank you so much for that. What I've said in the past that has gotten me into trouble hasn't so much been "mean" toward others as it has been designed to drive them away from me. Words used as a boomerang; I'm the one I'm hurting, if that makes sense. And thank you for the New Years wish; I hope yours is wonderful too.
toritto: Trite but right. So very true; mother was usually on the money, wasn't she.
Larry: Actually, in my case I'm thinking more time may be necessary.
How about,
One antidisestablishmentarianism
Two antidisestablishmentarianism
Three antidisestablishmentarianism
Four antidisestablishmentarianism
Five antidisestablishmentarianism
By the time I got to five, I'd have forgotten what it was I was going to say. Happy New Year to you too!
onislandtime: I probably shouldn't have written this so late; I think I missed my mark a bit. I know the power of words although I slip up from time to time like most of us. There was a time when I was hyper-aware of what I was saying. I spoke deliberately, knowing exactly what the outcome would be. Maybe my resolution should really be about trying to repair some burned bridges; hopefully words can do that too.
Lezlie: Oh no, is a mask necessary too? I don't think I have that expressive of a face but maybe those happy/sad theater masks would be a good idea just in case. You prefer the "authentic" Margaret? I don't even know who she is! Have her PM me when you find her.
Linda: They all came at the same time and knocked me over! I think I broke a couple ribs but that's okay. It'll force me to catch my breath before I say too much. Happy New Year and a ton of hugs back 'atcha!
bbd: Thank you and I wish you the same in the new year. As for Amy, from what I understand she is only allowed a limited amount of internet time per the docs at the maximum security mental institution where she's been a patient most of her life. OS is part of her therapy; it's the closest she's come to "real world" contact in a long time. Don't know if she's getting better or worse.
vzn: I'm sorry if I gave the impression there were years of "verbal abuse" in my marriage. That simply wasn't true; my husband could not only give it back better and faster than I ever could, but he would have divorced me if that were the case. The example I used at the front door wasn't anything more than a minor argument, the kind every couple has from time to time. We rarely fought, never ever name-called nor did we ever get truly ugly with each other. Never went to bet angry either; he wouldn't allow it. We had a lot of respect for each other and held each other to high standards. I've heard many versions of the scorpion/frog story, including ones using other animals, but they never make it to the other side. We did.
Julie: That's where I first heard it too! Great movie. Wishing you the best as well.
Amy: You ARE getting better!!! (This doesn't mean they're letting you out anytime soon I hope.)
Do you need a special waffle iron to make douchewaffles?
trig: You? A sharp tongue? I refuse to believe it. I'll bet every time you open your mouth rainbows and posies and smiley faces come tumbling out. And when you try to talk, your voice is drowned by a chorus of singing angels!
Mime: Good resolve although sometimes it's easier to forgive than to forget. I have been on the receiving end too but I have a short memory for things like that; I have made the mistake before of assuming everyone is like me.
James: What? I don't get to be a misfit lunatic? I beg to differ; there is no bigger misfit lunatic than I.
I love the quotes. "A sharp tongue can cut your own throat." Here are some others I like:
By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach. ~Winston Churchill
Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud. ~Hermann Hesse
Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble if he kept his mouth shut. ~Author Unknown
The man was on his knees, trying to retrieve each of his ugly words that were now scattered on the floor. But, of course, it was too late. ~Dr. SunWolf
Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence. ~Spanish Proverb
Isn't it surprising how many things, if not said immediately, seem not worth saying ten minutes from now? ~Arnot L. Sheppard, Jr.
And then there's Job:
"I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say."
Your friend is a wise woman.
her wisdom is scary. she is one of those who
talks and asks of god, and is heard and accomodated.
to spend 3 hrs with her is like a damn trip up the mt
to meet some master. mistress?
tongues curbed in traffic, dear gal.
when we are safe and home out of the incessant
blaring of the horns and the road rage,
centered,
tranquil,
we cannot but speak ongoing truth.
Truth is a process. it takes tongues to humiliate
themselfs to reach it, socrates-like.
My sister and I used to boast that we could teach a master class in insulting. The deal was that the person had to deserve it . Still, hard earned wisdom :We were cruising for a bruising, in many respects.
Happy New Years again.
Now THERE'S a nickname that works on a bunch of different levels! Good one, Trig! Thanks!
(oh, and when it come to magnums and Margaret, they are just alike = lots of fizz and bubbles [aka gas] with a great, big, thick bottom!)
R♥
It's hard to imagine you being someone who says things that are impulsive and hurtful - and it's good that you realize it and are trying to do something about it. I also admire you for examining why you might speak the way you do - and relating it to emotions. I think my mother-in-law is a lot like you, and I wish she'd come to the same realizations you have.
I wish you luck with your resolution, and all the best to you in 2012. Thank you for all of your beautiful words here on OS!
I read one like that just the other day ...
Seriously though, this is lovely, thank you. Wise & tender words emanating from an orifice I didn't know you possessed : hindsight.
Beautifully put, Margaret.
It's a big, fat lie.
Here's to the 5 second delay.
Kudos to you, Margaret.
r
Just for the record, you have many fine words, and from what I've read of your writing, quite a few tender ones too. Don't forget that every reverse side has a reverse side.
Happy New Year. I hope it is everything you want and need it to be.