In one of those rare, blindingly insightful moments that usually only happens when I smack my head with a car door (okay, it's neither rare nor insightful, but it is blindingly painful), I made a shocking discovery the other day regarding the problem with American youth.
Like many others, I’ve been concerned for a long time that they're becoming increasingly sucked into their own artificially exalted little fiefdoms. This is mainly due to their obsession with texting, sexting, and divexting of the most blatant details of their existences, including their naked bodies, to any old Jake, Jasmine or Jayden who happens to be logged onto the internet.
At first I was suspicious this self-centered world that so many kids inhabit, to the exclusion of any knowledge of goings-on outside of themselves, would lead the U.S. straight into the arms of al-Qaeda once they're in charge.
But a picture's worth a thousand words, or at least 799 (the number in this blog post) and that's where I found the real culprit, in a newspaper picture I saw the other day. It showed about 15 teenagers returning to school after winter break in thirty-degree weather.
Almost no one was wearing a hat. And that's the problem. Much of their body heat is escaping through the tops of their heads.
Even though it was a bitterly cold day, all of the girls were bare-headed. A couple of the boys wore caps but most were also hat or hood-less. One girl sported a headband-type thing, mainly covering her ears, but that's no protection against national security threats.
No gloves or heavy coats either for this cold-hardened gang.
This guy (or is it a girl?) knows a thing or two about dressing for the weather.
You could tell the wind was blowing by the way some of their unbuttoned lightweight hoodie jackets were flapping open. They all looked so carefree, heads thrown back, laughing merrily as if it were a sunny summer day.
I have to wonder: If they don't feel the cold then what do they feel? If they can laugh and joke without proper attire, impervious to bitter frigid conditions, when the time comes that some corporate behemoth like Microsoft turns into a Terminator-like Skynet and takes over the planet, are they really going to care?
The answer is no. Long-term exposure to the cold will have flash-frozen to death their capacity for outrage, empathy or interest in anything outside themselves, other than updating their Facebook statuses.
This is a radical departure from when I was a kid. My family's belief system included an unshakeable conviction that even the most benign summer breeze could lead to death.
It started early. When my mother took me for my very first checkup as a newborn, on a hot day in August, she said I was so bundled and blanketed that as the doctor unwrapped me, he asked her if there was really a baby in there or was she forcing a bulb.
As a child, when I played in our unfinished basement during the winter months, a light sweater and scarf was required attire, as were shoes or slippers.
When my family would go out to eat we'd never sit at the first table we were given. My mother would inevitably feel "something cool" and we'd have to move. Sometimes a second or a third time. There were diners who'd have ordered, finished their meals, and left by the time my mother felt we were safely out of harm's way.
Not me but is this kid cute or what.
I feel that being raised in a rotisserie chicken-like environment not only made me a healthier person, but the constant high temperatures I was exposed to caused other qualities to blossom and grow.
Like empathy. Kindness. Genuine concern for my fellow human.
Kids today aren’t getting this type of conditioning any more and I’m worried. The heat from their bodies is escaping and with it, the future survival of good, old-fashioned values.
The same day I saw that picture, my son was preparing to go back to his college campus. I was heartened to see he was wearing the heavy winter coat I’d gotten him for Christmas. But to my horror, he’d removed the detachable hood. He was wearing nothing on his newly buzzed nearly bald head.
“Alex, put the hood back on your coat! It’s cold out there and heat escapes fastest from the top of your head,” I screeched in alarm. I could already hear the bombs dropping.
“That’s BS,” he told me scornfully. “Heat doesn’t escape any faster from the head than anywhere else. Gnaw on that for a while,” he added condescendingly as he proceeded to fill a large black garbage bag with food from the pantry and fridge like a marauding Hun.
I looked down in concentration and my eyes landed on his feet. His bare flip flop-clad feet.
And I realized we are doomed.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Poor Woman
Terry McKenna
old new lefty
Pensive Person
jmac1949
Ande Bliss
Salon.com
Comments
Way I hear it, it's a rarity when some drunken sailor doesn't have a cold beer resting on top of YOUR head!
"I don't need a jacket." minutes pass "I'm so cold. It's freezing here. wah wah wah."
That's cuz he WANTS to parse you! He wants to critique the hell out of you, Margaret! He wants to fondle you dangling participles and press his big, hard dictionary against you until you're begging him to congegate your verbs! Oh, baby. Oh, baby!!!
'Course, there is the outside chance he just liked your post..
Nah! That couldn't be it!
:-) / r
jl: On Christmas Day, as we were leaving his house late in the evening, my 21-yr.-old nephew walked outside to say goodbye to everyone in his bare feet. My son was wearing thin pajama pants and a muscle-T at the same house and came outside in that.
keri: My kids drive me nuts. I sound like my mother: "you're going to catch your death of a cold..!!!"
Firechick: Yes that is another strange phenomenon. Indoor but not outdoor hats. I don't get it - and I like to be warm too. I don't care what I look like.
Amy: "Congregate" my verbs? How many verbs did I use? You make it sound like a verbal OWS, all those verbs just hanging around, hoping for some change.
I'll have you know sky and I secretly collaborated on his latest post to see how many responses he'd get. He loves me and I love him but we can never be together because my people have carried on a bloody, long-running, feud against his people longer than either one of us has been alive. (And that's a REALLY long time because sky is so old!!!) Kind of like the Montagues and the Capulets, the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Sharks and the Jets, the Big Macs and the Whoppers.
We're the skypixies and the earthfairies. That's why we have to sneak around on Open Salon and pretend like we hate each other.
Joan: Yes, one of my daughters does that. She also goes to bed with wet hair.
B: Maybe they're planning ahead, priming themselves for the effects of global warming. After all, one of these days Indiana and Ohio are going to be considered the tropics, aren't they?
Joan: Thank you; that is my "winter" face. I have decided I will have a seasonal avatar, kind of like a front porch concrete goose that the owner is too lazy to dress up for holidays; only does seasons. I have to get my daughter to show me how to lighten it up though. My lovely recently foiled golden highlights are obscured in darkness.
grif: I am afraid so. I hold very little hope for the future.
That "cute" little kid at the bottom? Mao Tse Tung's great-great grandson. When he grows up and is given Microsoft, Halliburton and the Pentagon as high school graduation gifts...oh, I'm verklempt...oh...
the sky is definitely falling, and we are all going to hell
Interestingly, it varies on exercise. the more you are exercising, the less heat you lose from your head (and the more heat you lose from the rest of your body).
First of all, absolutely adore your new picture and
am entertaining homicidal thoughts towards
my dear friend tr ig
for his snarky comment…
This is not just funny but darn insightful.
Especially: “the constant high temperatures
I was exposed to caused other qualities to blossom and grow.
Like empathy. Kindness. Genuine concern for my fellow human. “
As I write I am hunched next to my space heater, in a 72 degree room,
feeling every goddamn vibration of heat coming off the thing,
wishing I could crank it up to high power
which I cannot cuz I would blow a fuse and get in trouble
with the crazy southern Vietnam vet Sarge who gotta run down
and fix the fuse every time I dare do it…
Everyone knows u lose heat thru head and feet.
My mom wouldn’t have said it if it was not true, this I know.
The interior temp is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, I forget what Celsius.
That is like a darn swamp, or sauna (how I love them!) or
a really great sweaty salty beach day with the sunscreen mingling with
the perspiration , making such a nice aroma.
The cold is for reptiles or other cold blooded beasts, like, uh, lizards.
I eschew the cold wherever and whenever I can,
And am gonna start telling these punks that hats are cool,
Cuz they often, unaccountably, find ME cool, and actually listen.
By coincidence, I just posted a short story titled "Hats Are Back." Now if I'd only worn mine today.
Joan H.
JANUARY 06, 2012 01:06 PM
Yes Joanie, that's her new Av. It features what her drunk naval "friends" refer to as "coaster hair"!!!
;)
Rated for original theory.
If this was facebook I'd give a hardy LIKE to James' comment...
Through my High School years, it was just me and my late sister Robin. My mother had died and my father was busy. I wore knee socks, a fall trench coat wide open and hushpuppies on my feet. I walked through knee high snow and minus 20F below zero.
Now I know why I am the way I am. Way too much heat had escaped from the top of my head.
Your son on the other hand has a loving mum and he still continues to wear flip flops on his feet in the cold. This is not your fault.. Somewhere along the line some invisible thing from the internet put some pixels in his head and he has some cyber like modes now.
That would the explain the removal of canned goods in large quanities. Or does it?
HUGGGGGGGGGG
to criticize or snark about Queen m's appearance..
lizards are very fashion conscious, it turns out.
that is why they=so cold blooded.
hats on lizards?
at least tiny lizard socks...
facebook is a malady, but a fun one.
i might even like the likes of u there...
R♥
Wait - that latest pic of trig IS a cartoon, right?
Matt: Oh come on, my blog is not the place for everyone's tell-all/let it all hang out confessions. I'm sorry you got verklempt. Did it happen on New Years Eve - because that's when the clinics see the highest number of cases. Please do the right thing and notify anyone else you came in "contact" with and go get a prescription.
As for that baby, I thought it was Kim Jong-il in his latest incarnation.
desert_rat: Does not wearing a hat mean you're doomed? Not necessarily, but you have to act quickly because you have other problems where you live. The aliens are sucking the good stuff out of the top of your head as fast as you can think it and you are in imminent danger of a mind probe or even an abduction. So start wearing an AFDB (aluminum foil deflection beanie) IMMEDIATELY. You'll look ridiculous but you'll also have the last laugh as your neighbors start disappearing left and right.
Sarah: When I beg my kids to dress warmly, they always say "but I'm not cold; the only reason you are is because you're old and your skin is thinner than ours." One of these days I'm going to lock them outside in their underwear when it's about -5 and yell through the window they bang on, "But you're not COLD!"
bbd: Isn't looking like a southern Italian a good thing? Kind of international and European? Or does she mean a peasant? Either way compromise is a good thing and hats can make or break a marriage. Try a fur Sherpa hat when you want to change things up; I know they're probably not all the rage in Texas but you can tell everyone you just came back from summiting Everest and you have a terrible case of frostbite that unfortunately welded the hat to your head.
trig: Listen you scruffy-looking chocolate-covered blog cherry jaw breaker, at least I stick with one picture longer than the time it takes me to pound a nail. (Is that why one of your many previous avatars was pulsing fluorescent pink; did you accidentally kiss a hammer?)
As for Amy's "crush" on me, can you blame her? I hear she's already been through all the men on OS and was thoroughly disappointed.
Julie: At least we won't need hats in Hell and we'll get great tans and won't have to worry about skin cancer!
LammChops: My sixth grader has long thick hair that she refuses to dry. She operates on the odd theory that if she puts it in a ponytail it dries faster yet when she unleashes it at night, it's still damp. She says that doesn't count because the top dries. I tell her it's the wet part that's attracting all the deadly germs.
perdidochas: I am sure you're right but trying to tell my son or any of my kids the cold hard facts is like trying to converse with a rotting tree stump and a lot less satisfying. And speaking of exercising get this - the kid breakdances for hours in heated rooms, works up an ungodly amount of sweat - and wears a knit cap the whole time.
If you want to promote the use of hats, you need one for your avatar, highlights be damned.
...and good luck with that medicare thing over there, folks.
what is up with that, my son worn sandals all through college but has importantly dropped that fashion statement now that he is a dad and must actually work, I guess they eventually find out their feet are freezing. Funny post.
I spent a few university years in a cold climate and I never understood why some kids refused to dress for the weather. You may not look cool all bundled up but, well, I'm sure you get the coming pun that I'm trying to suppress. And I've known a few women with sensitive body thermometers like your mother. Gender difference here?
Oh, and while I'm at it, it's a classic Midwest mama's admonition to avoid "drafts" (known to us normal folks as fresh air) as potentially fatal. ~smacking my forehead with the heel of my hand~
Great post, Margaret.
you have to know how to wear a hat is all. you can't have your bangs or poufs of hair hanging out the front, pull you hair back and pull the hat down far onto your head. NO. you don't take it off till you go home. and maybe not even then if you are lucky.
Hey tell Trig, the Ramones are in unanimous approval of your hair style. Great post.
James: I have no doubt the punks think you're cool, you hipster you. Your kind remark about my new picture proves that you're not just a cool cat but a gentleman too which is even cooler - didja hear THAT tr iginosis - and darned if my dazzling new highlights and subtle layers aren't downplayed a good deal; I must lighten things up, ha ha.
Now I should say there may have been the TEENSIEST bit of exaggeration on my part regarding the effects of warmth on my character, but since no one has called me out on it thus far and apparently swallowed it hook line and sinker (they're either not reading the whole thing or they're just gullible saps), then I must bow my humble head and thank you for that observation about my being insightful.
Anyway, I sure do miss the heat and sweat of summer and although a hat can hardly make up for a blazing sun and sand between your toes, a STYLISH hat can be as wonderful a fashion statement as a spangly little too-tight tube top. Maybe not quite. But a close second.
Hats off to hats and the mothers who make us wear them!
Blue: Okay, full disclosure; I don't wear a hat either because of the dread "hat head." But I do wear my hood; I'd never ever think of removing it from my jacket. I think western civilization began to unravel in earnest when coat manufacturers started making detachable hoods.
Con: Read your story and loved it. And I am thrilled to hear that there's a least one small pocket of sensible young people somewhere in this vast hatless nation who know and appreciate the value of headwear, even if they do favor those idiotic looking Sherpa things. Every time I see someone in one of those, I'm tempted to run up and tie those dangly yarn things in a tight knot right under their chin.
Joan: THANK YOU!
Amy: You mind your own navel Missy, and I'll tend to all of mine.
trilogy: Mine also go coatless but they DON'T complain. They insist they're not cold and sometimes even claim they're warm. I simply don't believe them. If I'm cold then my offspring must be cold; it's an immutable law of nature.
Seer: I almost forgot about John Connor! You're right, he'll save us all! We shall know him by his hat. I wonder what kind he'll wear. Maybe a beret like an Army Ranger. Or one of those Indiana Jones hats. A Stetson? A Panama? A big white cowboy hat, because he's the good guy? Now I'm going to obsess over what kind of hat John Connor would wear. Whatever it is, I hope it's stylish and complements his outerwear. And isn't gay looking in a Village People sort of way, because John Connor can't be gay. Oh God I hope he doesn't choose a headdress like the Indian in the Village People.
Natalie: Good question because that is another one of my pet peeves. In fact he doesn't wear the low baggy pants some guys do. He breakdances and pants around the knees can result in serious injury as well as loss of artistic points in a competition since they restrict the contortion-like movement of bodies. Personally, I believe that the waists of all pants should sit at or slightly above the hips and be belted. I think most boys who wear low pants must have a poor grasp of anatomy and also bad eyesight and that would explain why they think their waists are located just above their knees.
trig: Well this ISN'T Facebook, trig, it's Open Salon where according to skypixiezero we are all in need of Correctol so I will go ahead in my stimulating laxative-like way and suggest that you meant to say "hearty" LIKE instead of "hardy" LIKE and let's just hope that you're hardy-like and up to taking some hearty criticism. Hardy har har.
Linda: You are the voice of reason in this wilderness of babble. Head pixels and cyber modes and invisible things from the internet explain it all better than I ever could. And sound so much more intelligent than me sputtering, "Are all you kids brain dead or what." You are not the way you are because too much heat escaped; you are the way you are because if you could survive minus 20 degrees in Hushpuppies, an open trench coat and knee socks, you can survive anything - even Open Salon!
littlewillie: I see that too. Macho? They won't think they're so macho when they're hooked up to all kinds of machines in the ICU battling pnuemonia and swine flu and whooping cough and mad cow disease and sinusitis. All of which are directly attributable to exposure to drafts and low temperatures.
Alysa: I concur! It would be kind of weird if I didn't, right?
Phyllis: Hats do indeed flatten the tresses, and you have lovely tresses, Phyllis. Unfortunately, there are a few things worth suffering for and hair is one of them. I only use hoods myself.
Miguela: There is yet another even more tragical answer. The moms of the hatless are at work instead of at home supervising proper cold weather attire of their young, because their loser deadbeat babydaddies aren't in the picture and can't be flushed out so they can be nailed for child support and winter weather back-up. They HAVE to work and in many cases it's tough enough just to put a can of beans and franks on the table let alone buy a dang hat. Forget a coat; there's no coat warm enough to stave off the chill of the absent babydaddy.
John: I am sorry you take such a dim view of young people. To overcome your negative perception, I'd like to invite you to spend some time in my home where not only is there a minimum of hot air (since my kids frequently stand in front of the wide open refrigerator doors for lengthy periods of time trying to decide what to eat), but where conversation has been elevated to a challenging art form because they are masters at responding to almost anything with one of three replies: "Up your butt"; "Your mom"; and "That's what she said."
greenheron: As much as dress codes have deteriorated over the years, I am sure the time when "business casual" refers to wearing thong bikinis and loincloths isn't that far away. And this loosening of halter straps will no doubt start on college campuses where most change begins. Good luck; it'll apply to instructors as well (you might as well be at the forefront and start teaching in your thong bikini - show those kids who's in charge).
Fusun: I did indeed put on a winter sweater and it's one of my favorites! It's a rayon/cotton blend in a neutral color, not bulky, never scratchy like wool and it goes with so much. It is also equally stylish with both pants and skirts. It's just too bad you can't see the black/brown yarn variations and the smart row of black buttons that marches across the left shoulder. It also has a very flattering neckline and I love the way it's elasticized in wide bands at both the wrists and the waist. It is without question one of the best sweater purchases I have ever made. Thank you for asking for details about my sweater; I was so happy to share them with you!
You did ask, right? Because I went back and I can't find where you said, Margaret please tell me in nauseating detail everything you can about your sweater.
Thoth: Sadly what you say seems to sum up today's youth and I must say, I'm sure times have changed because I NEVER felt this way about my parents: "Best of all, they "actually" think they know it all; they also have no respect for their parents and think that their parents are idiots." I'm sure I didn't. :) HOWEVER, all isn't lost; the kids in Con's neighborhood wear hats and maybe it'll spread. There's hope, Thoth. There's hope until there isn't. And that will be the day I hang up my hat.
Dr. Wm. Lee: I didn't know doctors still made blog calls! Well how dee do, Dr. Lee, pleased to make your acquaintance although I have actually been to your blog before. I don't know what kind of a doctor you are but I am easily impressed and any kind of a prefix like Doctor impresses me. So does Prince, Professor, Archduke and Master but not King or His Excellency. Too pretentious. Also those things after names impress me too, even Esquire. You look really smart in your picture and I bet you always wear a hat.
So anyway, enough small talk, can you write prescriptions? For me? For cheap? Because anyone who calls themselves doctor can write them, right? I need a few things...to help me deal with my angry kids.
Also, did you know you were almost a hundred years old?! What does that feel like and didn't you think you'd be dead by now?
Doc Lee: Do you like computers more or less than manual typewriters. Do you think kids today are smarter or dumber or the same. How about cars - isn't it crazy how they're all computerized now! You must even remember a time before cars. Too bad they couldn't just put computers in horses; sure would have helped with greenhouse gas emissions.
I can PM you that list of stuff I need.
Maureen: I think they do know; I just think there's really nothing to protest anymore or they're too lazy to get out there, so they think they're making a statement by not wearing hats and coats. It's just such a shallow and empty gesture though. Yes they make their parents mad like kids did in the sixties when boys grew their hair long and got perms and girls stopped shaving and took to wearing pants but that was for a reason. The kids of the sixties were really all gay. These kids have got no point to make except maybe that the boys are eunuchs because they've got to be freezing their nuts off when they go out with no coat or hat.
Myriad: Yes that is a very intelligent and witty thing to say about global warming Myriad and I wish I had thought of it and somehow used it in my post. Now I'm going to sulk a little.
Done.
Okay I guess I should wear a hat in my photo but the fact is I do not look good in a hat. I love them, all of them, even that weird fallopian tube looking thing Princess Beatrice wore to the royal wedding. I liked the way it kind of took her over; it could have gone to the wedding all by itself. But at my age I get to decide if vanity should win out over practicality. And I choose vanity. And also at my age I get to say "Do as I say, not as I do." Plus I paid my dues living in an incubator for approximately 19 years. So in conclusion Myriad you should get a rakish looking fedora.
Stu: You obviously were never one to listen to your mother; look at your chilly blue face. Your avatar looks like someone who got really drunk and fell through a hole while ice fishing then couldn't find his way back out until the spring thaw. That would account for the bloated appearance, which also makes bodies harder to identify.
Rita: Sounds like you done alright with the boy; it's amazing how many of them manage to land on their feet despite the fact that they surely have almost no feeling in them anymore!
BOKO: I think you and stu are on the wrong blog but in case you're not: yes we're all going to die, the world's a terrible place, the music industry's nothing but pimps & ho's, the rich rape the poor, the poor rape their housepets and did I mention we're all going to die? Even sooner if we don't wear hats. You must mention the word "hats" to comment here.
Rita Shibr may lend out her hat.
She can wear a football helmet.
BOKO? Safe Amy_Bet's Amy?
Grow her a Turban Gourd.
The seed catalogues have:
Red Turk Hat Gourds,
Patty Pan Squashes,
Google the Turks?
`
I have a favorite seed Catalogue for seed history and garden/farm trivia. I love comments here.
I also love seed catalogues.
I loathe deleters very much.
I be here a brief while - Then?
My comments get stuck`gin.
`
Why ask Kerry? He mute.
Grow Kerry a Afghan melon.
They have a huge yellow banana.
It's called the` Afghan Honeydew.
Seeds come from North of Kabul.
It's got a football shape. Honest.
`
I have paper catalogues. Google?
Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds.
I just saw they do have a www./
`
2012 Pure Seed Book!
www.rareseeds.com /
`
Kerry ought to obey mom.
Mom may snoop on his blog.
Kerry's mom email`Behave.
`
Yesterday I commented safely.
Then no comment would go`gin.
Kerry remains nasty. I'll comment!
`
Kerry acts like a rotten artichoke.
There's a artichoke called`Cardoon.
Rouge Vif d' Etampesis a heirloom.
There is a sweet egg shaped Riddle.
The Melon comes from the former:
Soviet Union.
`
Feed Kerry Trout Back Lettuce.
It has speckles like a Trout Fish.
I worry he needs baby diapers.
My mom was the same way. "Put your coat on!" were always her last words to me going out the door. She tries to impose this sentiment on my daughter whenever the weather dips below 70 here in L.A.
I used to insist my kid put on a sweater, or something when the weather turned cooler, but then I thought, you know what? When she gets cold later, and she's got no sweater, she'll learn maybe she should have listened to me. But kids are just like that. At the elementary school where I once worked, I'd be freezing and half the student body ran around at recess without their coats. At least the girls at my kid's high school wear Ugg boots to keep their feet warm.
I don't think it's the heat escaping from their heads that's making them numb, I think it's technology and reality TV!
http://open.salon.com/blog/bent_kitman/2012/01/07/on_maggies_hatless_new_avatar#comment_2766664
The term is derived from the current hair style in her Av (curtesy of "Sheep Dog B Us! Beauty Salon - 'Where all the bitches get it done' ") and the fact that she appears to have some white "frothy" stuff around her lips that we seriously (and I mean SERIOUSLY, as in EEEWWWWW!!!!!) hope simply means she is rabid!
It has NOTHING to do with Tr ig's coincidental offer to take Margaret out and to get her drunk on cheap wine (again). i.e. his comment, "Hey! If I put on my old sailor suit, you want to go out and drink same Mad Dog, Margaret???"
I want to talk about my mother. I have never met anyone ever for whom the term "Nice, day huh?" was not simply a way to overcome an awkward silence but was an opening for a serious, lengthy and detailed discussion about whether or not it was in fact a "nice" day, was it nicer than the day before, how much she hoped tomorrow would bring an even nicer day, all the possible things that still could occur before the day was done to turn it into a less than nice day, and how the Republicans were scheming to give the rich more nice days by taking some away from the dwindling middle class.
All things revolve around the weather for my mother in a most obsessive and unhealthy way and a single raindrop can send her into a tizzy if she was planning on going out when she saw it (where's the umbrella, should I wear a rain hat and boots, what if we're swept over cliff by a flash flood, will the sun ever shine again?) In addition to dictating her every move, according to her the weather can cause a host of maladies both physical and mental and for someone who rarely leaves the house and when she does gets dropped off practically inside her favorite stores, this is beyond puzzling because no one is LESS affected by the weather than my mother. My sister and I used to call her Doppler Donna. I don't think it's a gender thing; I think she's missing a few colors in her rainbow if you get my draft. A draft is her worst fear in life, btw.
sweetfeet: Thank you! I am full of it, I mean them. Them theories, I am full of them, is what I mean. I have one for everything and sometimes I make them up as I go along.
Candace: Do you think that draft thing is a Midwest thing? I've always wondered about that; you have no idea the courage it took to stand up to my mother one day and announce in a shaky voice, "Look ma, there is no way a draft can cause a cold. Viruses cause colds, not drafts. Explain to me exactly how a draft translates into a full-blown cold." I had to finally do this when she tried to pull the same thing on my babies that she did on me and my sister, dressing them like they were going out for a day in the Tundra. In July.
And do you think it's a midwest thing about getting colds in various parts of your body because that's another thing: "I have a cold in my back." Yeah, she'd say that occasionally. When I'd sarcastically reply, I think I heard it sneezing before; what color is it's mucus, she'd get mad.
Rita: I don't know about Candace but you sure do know how to wear a hat; was your mother a great influence on you?
Candace: You do not have poufy hair! I don't look good in hats but it's because my face is too round, not because of hair. Candace, based on that video of you, you seem to have a very good face shape to carry off a number of different hat styles. I think you should give it some thought and then maybe do a post where you show yourself in different headwear and we rate you - kind of like that thing we did with Larry except you definitely don't have those tumbleweed-like tufts to deal with.
Scarlett: Hey, you like Wild Flag? Me too! Scarlett I'll bet you can carry off a hat nicely. Is it true that you people in Canada are raised in Igloos and that's why the cold doesn't bother you so much? It would also account for your generally pleasant and benign temperaments; the constant low temps dial down the "crazy" a bit (always exceptions of course - sky - but I think something traumatic happened to him as a wee lad). As for my hair, you'd think trig would have a better appreciation for it since he has admitted he reads womens magazines.
Art: Maybe Kerry just needs the right hat! He looks like a top hat kind of guy to me. But that's more formal; you know what Kerry would look smashing in? A FEZ! A red fez. (I don't think they come in any other colors.) Oh my gosh Kerry was born to wear a fez; now I'm not going to be able to picture him without one.
As for hats from the bounteous garden, I'm all for it ,Art. We could start a new industry: ethnobotmillinery. Lady Gaga could be our first model although we wouldn't want her to wear her meat outfit with our gourd hats. And your seed catalogs sound fabulous. Heirloom tomatoes. I want to grow those. Someday I'm going to grow stuff like that.
All your talk of trout and lettuce and squash and melons is making me hungry. I made artichoke chicken the other day and it was yummy.
Mary: Kids. Why does anyone have 'em? I don't know but I've got four! And I can't even tell them stories about walking to school barefoot and how grateful they should be for shoes because they practically walk to school barefoot. Willingly.
Rita: Candace does not have poufy hair. She's just using that as an excuse to not wear a hat; it probably worked with her mother.
And what's Bent Kitman doing writing poetry? I thought he was a TV producer. Sheesh, a guy takes a little nap and the whole world turns upside down.
Yeah Scarlett, I'm sure the remaining Ramones would approve-; that even the dead ones are smiling down on Margaret's avatar this very afternoon.
Fifty rates for a hat post? Entirely too many. Un-rated back to 49. I came here to insult, not to be insulted... ha!
Margaret, I will take your thong suggestion under advisement. More than trend-setting, this might be an effective way to make students afraid of me. I have always aspired to be that kind of teacher.
As a hat collector with dozens of chapeaux, I challenge Candace to let me put her in the perfect hat: one that plays up her hipness, while remaining flattering, and even saucy. A red pillbox would eliminate dreaded hat hair and leave face and eyes exposed. Maybe a nice vintage brooch pinned on it asymmetrically. And deep red matching lipstick.
How in God's name did I miss the Larry hat contest?! Could someone please send out an all OS PM next time?
@ trig: Sadly, I believe ALL the Ramones are gone and buried. Still, they approve from one high where they are all doing the Blitzkrieg Bop!
Lezlie
tai: Only one shoe? You only had to wear one shoe? And why does a mermaid even need shoes, I'm wondering. I would think being a mermaid would be great - think of all the money you'd save on clothes and could invest in jewelry and snazzy purses instead.
Victoria: I think you're right about the technology thing. I fight with my daughter every morning that it's cold to wear something heavier than her little fleece jackets (half the time she'll just carry it, telling me she'll put it on "later") and the other day she said, "Well I'd wear a coat if you'd buy me one." This is just a ploy to take her shopping and I am on to it. I went to the closet & pulled out the barely worn coat I bought her last year, plus the one she hid from her sister when she moved out, because she liked it too. All she could say was, "Oh. I forgot about those."
Walter: I guess moving from Florida to North Dakota could make one reconsider a lot of things, including why does North Dakota even exist. I didn't even know people lived there; I thought it was an uninhabitable part of Canada. KIDDING!!! I am all about staying warm which is why I would have moved to South Dakota where I think they have palm trees & balmier weather.
Drew: THANK YOU. Because until the first comment, this started out as a very real, serious post. Now is your birthday coming up and are you telegraphing ideas for presents? And you didn't say but were there any hats at Spencers in the shape of genitalia and/or announcing "Birthday Bitch."
As far as anal bleaching goes Drew, it is only a serious threat if it's not done by a caring, highly trained Christian professional. You may not know this, sinner that you are, but the bleaching of the anus is a little- known sacrament in the Catholic church, a purification rite that has fallen out of vogue, like the Latin Mass, but is making a comeback. The anus is actually the portal to the soul and nothing good can go in or out of an impure opening unless it is regularly bleached and blessed with holy water. It is typically performed for the first time on one's 21st birthday just before celebrating, and you get to pick a non-saint name like "Party Bitch" or something that sort of defines you. The holy spirit demands it.
Amy: Why are you talking to him? You better not be trying something behind my back. And there's nothing there. HE's not even there. Where's the poem? Where's Bent? Did you two run off together?
AND in response to your next out of control ramble, IF there's any white stuff around my mouth it would be toothpaste which occasionally happens when I'm in a hurry and my kids let me go out in public like that and don't tell me until after I've talked to someone like their principals. Go ahead and make fun of my coiffure all you want; I love it so much I can hardly tear myself away from my mirror to type this.
As far as trig goes, I'm thinking he saves the sailor suit for Fido aka the real Mad Dog, based on his last post.
Mimetalker: Now you're talking my language. He not only asked his mother for a hat, but he has good taste. I will die happy if one of my kids eventually asks me for a hat.
Matt: You're right, that IS a Sherpa hat. Although she's into daisies now. I don't know what happened to old Bent. I thought he and that other guy were getting together in San Francisco. Now it sounds like he's with Amy. I fear for him.
Rita: I love berets ever since Prince sang about a raspberry one and I must say, I also love that scarf at your neck. Has mom influenced your fashion sense because she sounds like a good role model esp if she's daring enough to put a pin in her beret. That's another thing I could never seem to wear well; when I try to stylishly wrap a scarf around my neck, it always ends up looking like a noose.
And I hate to ask but how does a tick get on your head? Can they jump that high? Now you've given me something else to worry about.
trig: Do I really have to explain? I guess I do. Your recent post was called something like Breaking My Blog Cherry 2012. Get it? The candy references? Chocolate covered cherries, jaw breakers - oh forget it. As for scruffy, you called my hair a "mop." No insult on my blog will go untraded. Now get back here and re-rate me.
greenheron: I LOVE the idea of dressing Candace up in different hats! Are we talking about her avatar or the real Candace because her "real" face would look smashing in a pillbox, I am picturing it now. Definitely flattering and saucy at the same time. Candace as I recall has the face for a variety of hats, including this which I love
http://www.louisegreen.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/5e06319eda06f020e43594a9c230972d/f/i/file_115.jpg
and this one
http://s9.thisnext.com/media/largest_dimension/8EA45779.jpg
and here's a stunning pill box, not red but she'd look good in red or blue:
http://www.nyfashionhats.com/media/11/a20791e129fafe773fb043_s.jpg
She has delicate features so nothing overpowering like some of the crazy structures those Royals wear.
I don't remember who did the contest featuring Larry but I think it was in the spring, around Easter because it seemed to be bonnet-themed, or maybe that was the winner.
Scarlett: I love Wild Flag; all female I believe, from different bands. I heard them interviewed not long ago. As for the Ramones, isn't one still alive? I thought one was still around - maybe he's not an original?
Lezlie: My mother made us wear pants and coats with our Halloween costumes if it was chilly, which was infuriating. It completely ruined a cool costume especially since I was always a princess. Yes science has completely wrecked it for parents; the "draft means death" threat carries no weight anymore, not unless you're talking about the other kind of draft.
I hope he no go sits.
No sit on a potbelly.
Franklin (hot) stoves .
If editor do that he will get two big bubble blister on butt. In Nova Scotia I did that on a stove.
A Halifax chef cooked food.
I stumbles oner some wood.
My left hand was blistered.
It swelled up as big as a egg.
I showed a photo on my bog.
Please. Ben P. No rate there.
My blog buttons are broken.
I can't Rate anyone @ O.S..
I just shake my leg. heehaw.
Sometimes I yell out loud.
I yell ` Nasty foul Kerry.
Heres' some Wild Flag for you, sorry about the advert at the beginning ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J8n9R8rnB8&ob=av2e
Scarlett: Well that's a new one; I didn't know there WAS a Marky Ramone. All the Ramones I know of are dead. Wow. And thanks for the tune. Great song and I loved the video too!
Bob: I don't know about that but when they're all prematurely crippled up with arthritis (doesn't cold cause arthritis?), maybe they can train for the Special Olympics since they'll all be using canes and walkers.
trig: I don't care who you re-rate for - Satan, Amy (that's redundant, isn't it), Mother Theresa, Charlie Sheen. The point is, you did what you were told and even though it took longer than I would have liked, at some point something from obedience school must have stuck with you. Good boy.
I didn't read all of it, but I understand it was quite good.
You might pm me a synopsis sometime ~ I'm such a busy person, you know, now. These days.
Kristine: Sorry, still in k mode - Christine: It is only by the grace of God that they haven't succumbed to some deadly malady by not wearing hats and repeatedly tempting fate. Someday they'll learn.
As for Artie: He and the bountiful jewel Barbara Joanne are obviously sleeping together, based on her bigoted justifications of his biased junk. Seeing as how BJ gives blow jobs to Artie, and are apparently both of the same male jender, it only makes sense that they'd be jealous!
BTW, Kim the kracky Kiwi kicks kumquats konstantly!
Are you with me so far ? We call New Zealanders Kiwis.
Australia is a different country, and there are no kiwis here. We have kangaroos, kookaburras, koalas. It must be all those k's that confuse you. We're really sorry about that.
It's difficult to wrap your head around the idea I know, but New Zealand & Australia are 2 different countries.
In New Zealand they make Hobbit movies ; in Australia we make movies like Moulin Rouge, Romeo & Juliet, Muriel's Wedding. That sort of thing. Witness. The Truman Show. Etc.
I know you're both a long way away, but it's not like your on another planet.
But I might be wrong about that.
& hats ~ we have the opposite problem, due not to cold but heat & UV rays. In no Australian school is a child allowed outside, at recess or lunch, without a hat.
& thanks largely to Johnny Depp in Fear & Loathing, most of the rest of us wear them too. We figure the $ 4.1 billion a year we spend on skin cancer treatment is probably worth saving.
As for Arthur and Barbara Joanne, I don't even want to think about the two of them, together or separately. Although I see Arthur has posted something that he must have written just for me since I'm his only reader. I better go comment on it before he tries to wrastle BJ to the ground and brand her. (What else do they have to do in Wyoming, besides write irrational posts for OS?)
Kim: There you go again, getting all mixed up on geography and movies and regional flora and fauna. It must be because you're so isolated on that giant ISLAND they sent you to; it's making you all kookaburra in the head. Now let me set you straight - again.
The kangaroo is a mythical creature. If you're seeing them you better make an appt. with your witch doctor and have him cook you up a stronger potion. Everyone knows 'koala' is a beverage and Coke is better than Pepsi. A kiwi is a delicious fruit, not a bird.
Why do you think Australia's all by itself, out there in the middle of the ocean? Because no other continent wanted it, that's why. It's been shunned and even New Zealand is trying to get away from it. New Zealand gets further away every year because their people and sheep are furiously paddling day and night, trying to get to the U.S. where they'll end up attaching to the west coast when California falls into the sea after "the big one". The two islands will reunite and be known as New California.
Re. those movies, they couldn't have been made in Australia; for one thing it's too dangerous. Why would a big star like Nicole Kidman (who's from Columbus, Ohio - hi Nic, glad you took my advice on the new hair color, LOVE IT!) agree to go to a location that's basically a giant floating Alcatraz where England sends the worst of the worst including the criminally insane - Kim. Movies are only made in two places: Hollywood and Bollywood.
And as far as the planet goes, you might say we are on a different one, the only one that matters, and that planet is called AMERICA, God's gift to the universe, where even people like Amy are tolerated and also where his only son was born in a manger in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. There, I even threw in a little bonus religion lesson at no extra charge.
After all the poor man is seeing mythical giant leaping mice and thinks fruit can fly!
If figure his delusions are either caused by living up side down all his life or because he desperately wants Arthur to blow his diggerydo!
You also need to give more respect to Australia! Look at all they've given the world: Fosters! How you say beer in Australian (or say piss in a can in America). Okay, then what about shrimp on the Barbie? (no... Putting crustaeteons on a plastic doll is stupid) Hmmm...
Oh, I know! They gave us Mel Gibson...
Crap! I hate to admit it, but you're right! :/
Have you finished ?
Are you both quite sure ?
I can wait all day, you know. Tap ... tap ... tap ...
That's more like it, thank you.
Making fun of Australians has caused more than one person to come a cropper. Look what happened to the desk-guy who ignored Russell Crowe. Or the one who pulled a knife on Crocodile Dundee.
For that matter look what happened to the wannabee who tried out for Rachel Griffiths' part in 6 Feet Under ~ know what happened to her ? No-one else does either.
The trouble is, we are too good.
Not only do we speak English, unlike Kiwis who say sex instead of six, we lead the world in Farnarkelling, and invented the Pavlova.
Say what you like about our native fauna, but do you have furry arrangements that lay eggs ? Mm ?
Do you have deadly things that crawl, slither, fly & swim & that are just about everywhere you freaking go ? No, I didn't think so.
We've tried very hard to overcome our 'convict past,' & it pains me to think you see us as some kind of Pacific backwater where we chase kangaroos down the street with boomerangs to survive.
Hang on, there goes another one ...
Both you and the Kowala's need to be more careful what kind of leaves you're burning in your billabong!
Fact of the matter, Australia is a backwater suitable only for freaks of nature! This is easily proven by the fact that you don't have a bridge so I can drive there in my way cool, American made, gass guzzling, V8, car!
If you want to stop being considered a bunch of isolated freaks, build a flippin bridge! They you'll still be a bunch of backward mutants, but we'll at least be able to wave to you as we drive past!
We gave you Germaine Greer, & Priscilla Queen of the Desert, & this is the thanks we get ?
Actually - I have done all of those things at one time or another, but that was when I was part of a covert, top-secret experimental government/scientific/military industrial complex/Estee Lauder collaboration where I could change my appearance & DNA at will and got all kinds of free makeup and a cute carrying case if I agreed I wouldn't go public if things backfired. Unfortunately my permanently webbed fingers make it hard to use the makeup but other than that there've been no long-term effects. Oh yeah, also I am now dimmer, viciouser and slightly more nuts than I used to be.
You're feeding Arthur Louis now. He might get the impression that you're crazy as batshit, & we wouldn't want that, would we ?
That can be our little secret.
Margaret why is your banner pale blue & blank ? I've been meaning to ask for ages. Are you going for some kind of Bland Award or are you just totally bereft in the banner-decoration department ?
Look around. Other people are making an effort.
And it's ALL because I DARED disagree with Margaret! Margaret told him he needed Metamucil and I said she was wrong! What he actually needs is a good vinegar enema!
But does he discuss the medicinal benefits of both! HELL NO! He sides with his slag GF Mad Dog Maggie and deletes my comment and leaves both of hers!
It just convinces me even more that Margaret, Barbara Joanne and Arthur have this threesome thing going down.
Matter 'o fact, they're prolly all together right now! Barbara J's shoveling Metamucil into Artie's wrinkled, old yap and Margaret is hooking up the vinegar enema!
I think all three of them need to move to Australia and live with you! You do have vinegar there (I've tasted your beer) and I suppose you could feel him a bunch of those flying Kiwis your alway bragging about, so it would only make sense!
Amy, how do you know what Art & Barb & I are doing - is he sending you videos? Do NOT call his yap wrinkled and old. He paid a top cosmetic surgeon big bucks to enhance that yap and BJ & I agree it was worth every penny.
Can we please bring this conversation around to hats again? This post was about HATS. Why is no one talking about hats anymore?
I kindergarden they say`Art the:
`
It rhymes with Bart - You cry.
Arthur's also have dementia.
We visit blogs for recovery.
We eat poison ivy salads.
Arthur's end up homeless.
Take shoes off before bed.
We fight over woman wino.
WE never get along in life,
and we may become CEO.
We need to go to UCLA school.
We play chess if we 8 feet tall.
Arthur's wish we mortician.
Jane: I love hats but can't wear them. I hate the new pic; didn't like the one before it or the one before that either. I think I'm going to not only change my name to Arthur for good luck (unimagined magic?) but switch my picture to an animal like Arthur the aardvark. Or just wrap a scarf around my whole face & head and call my blog Art Is Where You Find Her or something really intriguing yet nonsensical like that.
just a warning.
next time i shall call Kerry thru Art
(i would assume Art has all of Kerry's
numbers...)(including the Bat Phone)
(to call his little friends home in the
morning to the manhattan loft he
bought them from 'tinker tailor
soldier spy' proceeds) (did ANYONE
pay attention to any of that?)
(what was i talking about?)
oh yes, get word to Kerry to block your "edit account"
button...the same reason Art has that picture
of himself from 1979 up, now, he=be blocked.
I never read the TTSP stuff but I think Tink did and he must be all of those which would explain why he has so many posts on "Most Viewed." He's not just a tinkerertink but a sailororsail and a soldierer- okay you get it, I hope because I've completely lost my train of thought. What were we talking about, oh the picture, I can't stand it but my "bland, blank banner" is giving me more concern right now. I guess that should trump vanity. But why?
If I was you I'd be wearing a hat. I've heard about things like this, or read about them somewhere.
a brain freeze? Should i dust it up w/him, or is
he being facetious? I never been in a dustup.
I bet i could eviscerate a victim,
cut him to pieces, leave
his intestines hanging
over a balcony..
oops..sorry, i was reading paust's post on king......
It's not like I'm going to read it or anything, but it's getting tiresome to scroll all the way down past your other blathering comments to insult you.
BTW, my great personal friend MARGARET CHO called and said that you can kiss her saggy ass right on top of her glorious tattoo!
Your just jealousing anyways because the only tattoo on your ass reads, "Property of the US Navy"!
Shall I dust it up with her, or is she facetious?
My great personal friend MARGARET CHO, renowned star of stage & screen, sent you this little diddy she wrote about you. (BTW, that's me in the frilly bikini)!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=10i17NNujDE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
@ James: you want somma me, dude? Seriously??? That's like chopped liver threatening the meat grinder, boy! **mumbles about punk ass poets who ain't never even ever been in a dust up talking punk ass poet smack!**. Hell, I bet even Kranky Kim the Kiwi couple wup you ass with one platypus tied behind his back!
v=10i17NNujDE&feature=youtube
_gdata_player
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBVeNQ-mtcY&feature=fvst
Sometimes Aunty Jean said it, when she broke wind.
http://youtu.be/oGos2YlWjvo
I'm with you, Candace.
Hats.
Pfffft.
Even my oh so groovy Aussie hat sits wilted in the closet.
To any Aussie concerned:
Boasting Muriel's Wedding. Heeheehee.
You DO have didgeridoos.
Boast about them.
They're cool.
I'll read your post now, but already suspect I'm living the experience having watched all three sons walk out the door every winter in shorts half hanging off their tiny asses. I keep telling them their butts cannot afford to lose even a fraction of an inch to frostbite, but will they listen??
See, that's much better.
You only have to listen to a little advice, Margaret.
Probably change the background to an Aboriginal dot painting, & you might attract a certain other ethnic audience too. At least it would make it appear as if you were vaguely interested.