It's long been an accepted notion that children and young people have a greater capacity for dealing with stressful events.
Many of us have heard or said the following phrases at one time or another.
"Don't worry about him, kids are resilient."
"She's young; she'll bounce back."
"He'll shake it off. A little adversity will toughen him up."
It turns out kids may not be as resilient as we'd like to think they are. The American Academy of Pediatrics released a new policy report this month that focuses on the impact chronic stress has on children, based on two decades of research.
Among other things, the report notes "early experiences and environmental influences can leave a lasting signature on the genetic predispositions that affect emerging brain architecture and long-term health."
According to the report, children who live in environments where they're exposed to "toxic stress" such as poverty, neglect, a hostile environment or parental abuse of alcohol or drugs can suffer a permanent disadvantage when their brains are flooded with stress hormones like cortisol. Early exposure to the disruptive influence of toxic stress can lead to impairments in learning, behavior and physical and mental well-being.
And it's not just children who are adversely affected. Research shows that even fetuses and infants are harmed by the negative effects of stress hormones. Conception and early childhood seem to be the most crucial periods for the developing brain; it is permanently altered and becomes less pliable as the child gets older.
In his New York Times column last week, Nicholas Kristof quoted Jack P. Shonkoff, a Harvard pediatrician and a leader in this field. Shonkoff stated that "You can modify behavior later but you can't rewire disrupted brain circuits. Early experiences are literally built into our bodies."
Contrary to the accepted notion that almost anything can be overcome with persistence and hard work, the report suggests that some things can't be changed once the damage is done and that early intervention is crucial for preventing the subsequent behavior that results from toxic stress: learning disabilities that lead to diminished economic opportunities and poverty, criminality, health problems, drug abuse and other self-destructive behavior.
The AAP's report goes on to say that "many adult diseases should be viewed as developmental disorders that begin early in life," and could be reduced by the alleviation of toxic stress in childhood. It calls for doctors and pediatricians to serve as both strategically positioned community leaders and front-line guardians of healthy child development.
We like to think almost anything can be overcome with persistence, hard work and dedication but that's not always the case. Sometimes what's broke can't be fixed.
When I wondered aloud about the long-term effects my husband's death would have on our four children who were ten and under at the time, other parents, relatives, even their teachers and pediatrician mouthed variations on the "kids are resilient" line.
My concern wasn't so much about how they'd cope with the death of their father. Rather, it was how they'd deal with the profound changes our family would undergo as a result of his absence. The upheaval in their lives, the new responsibilities at such young ages, the absence of a secure and trusted presence.
On more than one occasion, well-meaning adults cited the names of famous, extremely successful people who'd grown up without one or both parents and in sometimes dire circumstances, including Bill Clinton. Dave Thomas. Bill Cosby. Lance Armstrong.
They failed to mention Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Charles Manson and Ted Bundy.
Although my kids show no indication of becoming serial killers or war mongers - and neither will most children, no matter how difficult their early years - in light of the AAP's findings, it might be wise to rethink the youth = resilient assumption.
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Poor Woman
Terry McKenna
old new lefty
Pensive Person
jmac1949
Ande Bliss
Salon.com
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No kidding? My question is, what do we poor people do about that? Very few of us, I believe, were prepared for giving a perfect, stress free, environment to our children. Many of us are still children ourselves when the little miracles came along. I know I was... at 34.
My Uncle Dean once told me when I was around 20, as he lit a non-filtered Chesterfield on the bus to horse races in Omaha, pointing to his cigarette... "yeah, these will kill ya, but you know what will kill you faster?" After a pause... "STRESS." Once again, no kidding!
Stuff happens, kids exposed to "stuff" bear the brunt. No kidding..
I gotta agree with you about the importance of Nurture over Nature.
“many adult diseases should be viewed as developmental disorders that begin early in life, and could be reduced by the alleviation of toxic stress in childhood”
U say.
Stress is pressure & anxiety , which can be good things if you got the equipment to deal with them.
Makes u a better person. A person who has learned the ways of others:
mostly, to use u & make yer life miserable, in their own narcissistic project of “development” unto
total irreproachable Illusion….
Stress is also worry, hassle, and trauma. From these damn fools.
(I am NOT drinking heavily, by the way…sober as a church mouse making hay while the cat is away)
…………………………………………………
To be serious…
A good doctor will report bad shit to someone still left in , ha, “Authority”.
Authority is a mental realm we feel we MUST take, but then are told, well, what gives YOU authority, and then we usually “cave”.
Making bad neural pathways is the ultimate horrific crime.
Bad ? Good? Who can say, these days, they say.
Blah. Me, for one.
To support the inherent genius & beauty of an unspoiled child is not only terribly important,
But rather easy. Give them space and time to unfold their potentials w/o working your own twisted pathological thinking upon them.
Great piece...heartfelt, and honest.
Great post.
I'm glad your children are well adjusted as one could be in the face of such trauma.
My grandfather passed away when Babacim was a year-and-a-half. He grew up in a small Anatolian village, as a poor child with two elder sisters and an illiterate mother who was for apprenticing him as an ironsmith rather than school him. Babacim fought against all odds on his own and got out of his village to go on to complete post graduate work and travel across Europe. And he was the kindest, most forgiving man I knew. How can one explain that?
Rated♥
Like. WTF is 'TOXIC' stress?
People can be poor without toxic stress, and vice versa.
I think most people that aren't impoverished or in a war zone can keep the level of stress to a 'non toxic' level for their children if they put their mind to it.
I also think there is a pretty big gap between overall overwhelming stress and the kinds that just about everyone deals with these days.
So. Yes. And no.
You get a honorary MIT 's GED!
You're a` Open Salon's linguist!
`
Kerry yell a loud ovation. Yups!
You come to Maryland to Yelp!
No go to Catskill, a`New York!
`
No eat catfish if you blog today!
`
!
`
Kerry's got a AAP's Frown Face!
He can say a `buttocks 12- ways!
Where is` Kerry?
He in courtroom?
He wears orange?
Kerry wears bibs?
P.S.
No kill cats, dogs,
mules, or people!
No delete otters!
`
I finally accepted what the therapist told me about attachment disorder and know I will never attach to my parents. I will love my mom but never have that normal secure feeling. It is what it is, on the upside I can completely detach from someone who is hurting me.
I can understand why children who grow up in poverty learn that no human life has value and often are not reluctant to hurt another. It's the message our society teaches them, some learn it very well. I personally feel nothing (except relief) when I see someone I consider a threat to myself or another dies, even a politician or CEO. Perhaps that part of me is broken.
Excellent post, thank you for saying what isn't popular.
I hope this line of thinking becomes prevalent so more research is done in to what to do about it after the fact. To recognize that there are lasting impacts on so many children - not to excuse it, but to find ways to allow them to use the ways their brains work and still lead lives on the main part of the page, not just in the margins - or at least to feel great in the margins and not just, well, marginalized. To recognize how extra-hard some of these children are working every day, just to do the things that are considered "normal" and when they don't make that mark, to have culural understanding that it isn't will or spite, it's exhaustion.
Thanks for this post. It is very validating for me.
Kids are no more or less resilient than ever. We just know more now about child development and nature-nurture interactions.
Thanks for this thoughtful post.
My son has experienced things in his quarter century of life that no one should have to go through, and yet he would be the first to tell you that it's all good, as it has made him who he is today, and made him stronger for it. Intensely smart and creative, he has the most amazing gift for looking forward, along with a forgiving, loving heart.
For myself, as I watch him struggle to find solid footing in his world...well, I cannot help but believe that, had I made a few key choices differently, he would live a much easier life today in every way. Getting past experiences does not make the past go away.
Rated
Lezlie
Congrats on the EP. You deserve it.
HUGGGGGGGGGG
Rated.
Joan: Exactly; skills taught in childhood can last a lifetime. You probably see this in the classroom, based on the makeup of your students, and it doesn't always have to do with income levels. Helplessness and inability to cope can be taught whether a family is rich or poor just as the reverse is true although it's usually easier when kids at least aren't going hungry.
Scanner: Probably a little of both. But the neighborhood and lack of material things isn't necessarily a drawback unless there's lots of other bad things going on as well. From what I know of you here on OS, it sounds like there must have been some solid things in your background that helped shape you. A rough upbringing doesn't always spell failure in life but the main point of that report is that a lot of kids are at a huge disadvantage before they even start kindergarten and they never recover.
Daisy Jane: I don't know enough about your circumstances or your relationship with your son to comment but do you really mean that? That you'd never have had him if you could do it again? Because it sounds like he's brought you a great deal of joy in spite of the difficulties and you appear to be setting a pretty good example for him. As far as hopelessness being everywhere - I don't see that athough it can seem that way at times. I thought this report was welcome news because so often poverty and bad choices are blamed on the poor when it's a cycle that can be broken through education and identifying at-risk kids before things get past the point of no return. And it makes a solid case for early intervention programs that *some factions* love to cut or deny funding for.
Trig: No kidding, yeah. Stress kills, that's nothing new. Your uncle was right (is he still alive, btw?). We've know that for years but stress on kids hasn't been examined as much. And it only makes sense it would affect them in bad ways. They look to adults for their examples, they haven't developed coping skills, they learn from their environment. And their brains and thought processes are still forming. Being poor and raising children is stressful but it's not necessarily a death sentence for kids; being there for them (as you've been for you son) is critical as is having outside support. Maybe if this report is taken as seriously as it should be, we'll pay more attention to what politicians love to refer to as our "hope for the future."
Trig: You are a wizard. The wizard of OS!
James: A church mouse that makes hay while the cat's away? I thought it was supposed to play. You are one industrious mouse! You must have learned that work ethic early on. Seriously - yes, it does sound bad neural pathways can be inflicted on a child with disastrous results. Another thing that report noted was lack of affection, which has huge ramifications. Kids who are raised in indifferent environments, aren't shown physical affection like being hugged or cuddled (especially as infants), or are flat out neglected for prolonged periods suffer irreversible brain damage; those Romanian orphanage babies and Dutch "famine babies" who were conceived near the end of WWII were used as examples, in Nicholas Kristof's article. The orphans brain scans look different and when the Dutch infants became adults, they were shown to have more trouble concentrating and higher rates of heart disease. We already know poor nutrition and drug use can have negative effects in utero. It's really not surprising, is it.
Jane: No it ain't easy. In the best of situations it's not easy. Add in all those other things and for some parents and children, it's a losing battle. Your battle isn't lost however.
Michelle: I don't think the report was saying tough times alone spell trouble for a kid and most of us know or have heard of kids who have it too easy, who have everything handed to them, who never have to work for anything or suffer disappointment or struggle. They can end up as wrecks when they're older or sometimes, as spoiled brats, as you put it. But if from the very beginning it's tough - from birth on forward - and a child is deprived of basic necessities like food, nurturing and love, then that is what's going to mold them. It's going to be impossible for many of them to function in society in any meaningful way.
John: Thank you. Parents who can't be bothered with their kids don't have to be indigent. Drugging your child and neglecting him in other ways is also detrimental. There are plenty of well-to-do folks who are terrible parents and don't care about their offspring; the ones with the most means available to them can sometimes be the worst.
I don't have stats at hand but it does seem that a disproportionate number who pass through the criminal justice system suffer from some major disfunction in their growing up at home years.
Also, the study you cite supports the old view that ages 1-6 are truly the formative years.
If we go back a step & look at egg & sperm counts, look at Belsen, or Somalia ~we stop reproducing altogether.
Why Bengal Tigers won't mate in cages, or koalas ... all except people in Sarajevo who at the height of Milosovic's craziness were at it everywhere, it seems.
Good luck to their kids.
For ours, I know the niceties of divorce matter enormously, & how we deal with a death in the family.
A child has little or no perspective, especially with regard to time ...
Are we there yet ?
When will daddy be home ?
Will everything be like this, always ?
Only time can answer these questions & in the meantime all any of us can do is to hold on, & breathe.
I think resilience is all about hope, myself.
It's an interesting subject ~ thanks, Margaret.
I think Obama was right, about hope. Without it, we succumb.
I'd guess they're the exception rather than the rule however. Maybe it helps if a child has a goal or knows there's something better out there and wants it badly enough. And did he have someone who loved him or believed in him, maybe a teacher or family member? That can make a difference. It sounds like he had a lot of intestinal fortitude regardless.
CM: "As the twig is bent so shall the tree grow." Never heard that; I like it. And it rings true. Whenever someone would tell me how resilient kids are, I'd want to ask them why so many adults are in therapy, being treated for the traumatic things that happened to them as children.
Mary: Thank you! You may certainly say as much; even more if you want. I pander shamelessly. :)
Nick. "Yes." And, "no." It's more than just about growing up in poverty. Poverty by itself doesn't usually scar someone for life or damage their brains (unless they're severely malnourished). The AAP's report doesn't single out poverty as being the cause of toxic stress and "toxic stress" isn't the same as the everyday stresses that are part of life. It's referring specifically to things like:
-prolonged exposure to a parent or parents' abuse of drugs and/or alcohol;
-living in a home where children are beaten or threatened;
-chronic neglect (for example, ignoring a crying baby - not once but regularly, until the baby learns not to cry which can lead to "failure to thrive", a well-documented condition;
-living in a hostile environment where a child senses persistent threats but no protector.
Kids living in environments like this are more likely to grow up with self-destructive behaviors (like abusing drugs themselves) that lead to poverty and then pass on the same patterns of behavior to their own children. The cycle is repeated over and over. That's why it's important to recognize it early and address it whether it's by educating adults or intervention.
jlsathre: I agree; love, care, attention, awareness - those are all things that are often lacking and can make all the difference.
Erica: I think a lot has to do with the individual and even though a lot of children live "disadvantaged" lives they still turn out okay. And also, as jlsathre said, "chronic" is part of it. It's an eye-opening report however and there's years of study and research behind it. And, thank you for the thumbs up!
Art: An honorary MIT's GED? Mit Romney's giving me his GED??? There's no else's I'd rather have! I had fish tonight. Fish sticks, cat-free. I wonder if Kerry's allowed to correspond when he's serving time. I don't think orange is his color though; it washes out his complexion. I think I'll get to work knitting him a jumpsuit, and I'll hide the knitting needles in it so he can use them when he busts out.
Bleue: It's a tough thing to grow up without supportive parents and it doesn't have to be a really extreme situation involving drugs or beatings either. Parents can't control everything and kids make mistakes but I think the correlation is pretty obvious that when there's a good foundation there's a much better chance that a child will turn out well. I saw what happened with some of my own friends who had absent parents or ones that didn't care. I see what's happened to some of my kids' friends. I'm sorry you don't have a secure relationship with your mother but it sounds like you've come to terms with it; not an easy thing to do.
trig: I reckon so.
Elizabeth: I never liked that line! It may be true in some cases but I suppose it depends on the individual and what they can handle. I've seen firsthand how some people can be crushed by trauma. That was a line I also heard a great deal in the months following my husband's death and I wanted to smack the people who said it to me! You're right though, who knows.
Keri: I'm so glad you found value in this and I like the foil analogy. Growing up is tough enough without the hellish circumstances some kids experience. It's not fair to dismiss these things and expect everyone to be "normal" or on the same page when so many never even had the book, so to speak. And the findings in this report aren't an excuse; they're a wake-up call for educators, doctors, policy makers, society. It matters to everyone - we all have a stake in making sure kids succeed.
Sheila: Thank you - and thanks for reading.
Grif: And thank you for your thoughtful comment, especially the stats which I didn't have. They bear out what the AAP statement says and while I don't know about canceling the senior year of high school, I completely agree that we should sink more money into early childhood programs.
You make another good point about the effects of different types of stress; Kids who grow up exposed to chronic stressors or "toxic stress" like the kind mentioned in the report are less likely to be able to handle the "incident stressors" you mention, the kind most everyone faces in life - death, divorce, job loss, etc. Thanks very much for that.
Barb: Your son sounds like an amazing individual. And I know we all wish we'd done things differently; I have a boatload of "if onlys" with my own kids. The fact that he's forgiving and forward-thinking says a lot about him and also about you as his mother.
Lezlie: Glad you mentioned the headache thing. I can't stand to hear adults dismiss kids for certain things: "Oh don't cry, it doesn't hurt"; "There's nothing wrong with you, quit complaining"; "It's not that bad, don't be a baby." But the one thing I heard a lot of when my older two were babies was when they'd cry and some people would say "Let them cry it out - don't pick them up, you'll spoil them!" This is about the worst advice anyone can give a new parent and research shows it's just plain wrong - and can be bad for the baby. You can't spoil a baby! Crying is the only way it can communicate. Sorry; you hit a nerve, in a good way.
Phyllis: You put it splendidly - kids need a soft place to bounce. I love what you said.
Cranky: Bullshit indeed. As I said in another comment, I absolutely loathe that phrase; it was said to me quite often when my husband died and sometimes I had to bite my tongue until it hurt. I so wanted to say, "Then I wish it had happened to you; obviously you'd handle it better."
Linda: I'm sorry about your son. Sometimes there are no hard and fast answers. We do the best we can; sometimes it's not enough no matter how hard we try. HUGGGGSSSS back to you!
Scarlett: Hang up right now!!! If you get too much cortisol in your ear, it'll make your head tilt to one side. If you must talk on the phone, at least switch from one ear to the other at regular intervals.
Abra: I wish I had included statistics but I didn't want to get too lengthy. But in his comment (above) Grif mentioned some important ones. You're right about those in the criminal justice system; I've heard that time and again. Thanks for this, Abra.
Kim: "I think resilience is all about hope, myself." It's true; without it there's no point to anything. I can't imagine what it feels like to be a child without hope. It's so funny how kids think about things and process them, and you never know how something's going to affect them. For a long time I worried about my older son (he found his dad, he was 9), especially since at the time his dad died, he was having a horrible time with our move; he hated his school - wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't talk to us, then he finds his father dead. I was sure it would send him into orbit. But everyone at school rallied around him and my worst fears didn't come true. I never worried about his older sister - then a few years later she turns to drugs. Don't know how much a role her dad's death played in that if at all - but I would have put my money on my son to be trouble if it had come down to it. Strange.
Miguela: Good Lord, I'm so sorry. Not easy for anyone involved. I am just so sorry.
Nana: Agreed. It is a no-brainer.
blufeather: Thanks for that. I don't know how good a job I did; I had a tremendous amount of help from others, especially my parents. I can't really take credit for them turning out the way they have but I will say, without all the support things would have been very different and not in a good way. I was very very lucky.
Thoth: You're right, there's lots of variables involved. And genes do play a role, maybe bigger than we know right now. Therapy can't fix everything - sometimes it doesn't help at all. I'm not sure if science has found an "addiction" gene but I don't think just because a kid is raised by alcoholics that necessarily means they'll become one themselves. But patterns do repeat; women whose mothers are physically beaten often are attracted to that same kind of man, over and over again. Sons are more likely to abuse their own wives. The same thing happens with child abuse. When certain things are all you know, there's a higher likelihood that'll be your "normal." It's not written in stone but it does make sense.
I'm always amazed, though, how some children grow up amid abuse, poverty, addiction and other stressful childhood situations and put themselves through college, and become productive, successful, well-adjusted adults.
One of the most inspiring stories I ever read was about a girl, a senior in high school, who, despite living in a storage space with her mom and sister, commuted 10 miles to school, took AP classes, and had a 4.0 GPA. She's at Harvard now.
You raise important questions with this one. Time to really revisit "resilience" although I do believe most of us are resilient with the right support. The phrase "kids are resilient" seems to fill the purpose of making the grown-ups in the situation feel better. Yet, as green heron suggests from those early struggles come many poets and artists and as you suggest addicts and abusers. Often a fine a line and question of degrees ...
Pauline: Based on where you work and what you deal with, you know firsthand how early experiences affect future growth and potential. As you said, most of those kids will not make the grade in life. It's not just their problem; society pays a hefty price for what'll happen to them as they age and have children of their own. And thank you for clarifying that you're not a serial killer. I must admit, I had some doubts about you but now I feel better! :)
Victoria: That's an incredible story about the girl who ended up at Harvard. It is amazing what some people accomplish in life; it's almost a miracle when you think about it. But that girl is a rarity. For every one like her, I'd guess there are thousands more who barely make it through high school, or drop out. I met a few recently, girls who had terrible or non-existent parents and their biggest goal was to get their GEDs.
Scarlett: I didn't know you had plural daughters! I think the cortisol rush is different with daughters and sons. With my daughters, it's intense and burns through my brain right away. With my sons, it kind of envelopes my brain and eats through it slowly. Either way it's painful.
Yes, I would agree saying kids are resilient is just a way for adults to feel better, or to make the worrier feel better. Just a mindless phrase. What else is there to say - your kid's probably going to become a delinquent and his best days are already behind him so start locking up your valuables now and prepare for the day the cops come calling!
This is what we define our offspring to be
In a materialistic universe, alas. Metaphors from the hard sciences.
Suddenly we find out about neuroplasticity of the brain.
“substantial changes occur in the lowest neocortical processing areas,
and that these changes can profoundly alter
the pattern of neuronal activation
in response to experience.
Neurological research indicates
that experience can actually change both the brain's physical structure (anatomy)
and functional organization (physiology). Neuroscientists are currently engaged in a reconciliation of critical period studies demonstrating the immutability of the brain
after development with the more recent research showing how the brain can, and does, change.[6]”
immutability, ha. I change moods each five minute stretch at least 10 times.
I take drugs to alter my errant neurochemistry.
They were prescribed 10 yrs ago.
My brain has done well.
But I gotta wonder:
What is the price?
"i been down on the bottom
of a world fulla lies
i aint lookin for nothin
in nobodys eyes.
it's not dark yet
but it's gettin there"
out there.
in here, it is getting brighter thanks to chums
like u & scarlett.
I can only speak for myself. My father died suddenly when I was 4. I never truly realized how that impacted me as a person and artist until all these years later. I am now 58, and struggle with the negative impact much less than I revel in the positive, which informs so much of my creative self. (The middle ground--a stubborn stoicism, is a mixed bag). I also appreciate my mother so much more now than I did then. I think your kids will find their way with you as a guidepost.
We are all resilient, and fragile as well.
Toxicity can reach everyone, particularly the poor and the middle class, and it results not always from exploitation but from the rush to be exploited. Our mass instinct to consume leads us to be consumed, and we surrender our humanity bit by bit. This can be a threat to all of us irrespective of class.
True toxicity particularly afflicts the middle class in such ironic ways. We have electricity and water in our homes, our daily calories several times over, more clothes than we can ever wear, and mindless options for leisure time that make an insult of the dwindling leisure time most of us have to begin with. We work four times as hard to have twice what we need, and all of that makes us half as human--not to mention angry, empty, bewildered and sick.
This is the environment into which our children are born, though with great effort, some of us can structure our lives and our awareness to minimize the toxins. Margaret, you take up such an important issue, and you do it so thoughtfully and so well.
I, on the other hand tried the same career but was a failure and went a different direction. However, I knew based on my own early experiences that children do bounce back, as long as they're dropped from high enough.
I, on the other hand tried the same career but was a failure and went a different direction. However, I knew based on my own early experiences that children do bounce back, as long as they're dropped from high enough.
Having been raised right in the big fat middle of extreme levels of stress, stress and more stress, I take issue with many of the assumptions this report puts forth as fact. As Nick so astutely pointed out, they are talking about something that can't really be measured.
This report presents a very fatalistic view and certainly doesn't bode well for the increasingly stress-laden and seldom "normal" lives our children and grandchildren are born into.
My question is this: If the premise presented in this study is correct, would not rampant despondency and utter resignation be next?
James: Thanks for the definition of resilience; I actually meant to include it in the post. Wish I'd done that. It's not just kids either; even adults are expected to be able to bounce back from trauma quickly; isn't that what "get over it" really means? Sometimes it's warranted, sometimes not. Or another overused term: closure. Got to find closure! What does that mean psychologically? "Finding a firm solution as opposed to enduring ambiguity." It's not always possible. And it can sound condescending and make a person feel like there's something wrong with them. As far as drugs for the brain go - if they work, then great. What's the price - feeling better v. feeling bad? There's always pros and cons; organ recipients have to take drugs for life to avoid rejection but those same drugs can cause cancer. Cholesterol lowering drugs can have terrible side effects. Lots of drugs that fix one thing have minor to severe consequences that have to be weighed carefully by patient and doctor. Even Viagra. I don't think the brain's any different than any other part of the body and if popping a pill fixes it then to me it's a no-brainer. I don't understand people who won't take anti-depressants because they see something wrong with that but wouldn't think twice about taking medicine for the rest of their lives to make up for a non-functioning thyroid or just about anything else in their bodies. Okay, that's the end of my rant. I'm thrilled to know Scarlett and I are burning brightly (although my bulb gets dim now and then)!
Leonde: I'm sorry this resonated with you so painfully and that death was the only way to find freedom from your mother. Abuse is so rampant and I find it incredible that some people can put it behind them or put it in perspective so that it doesn't cripple them in some way. And you're right - social services and other organizations often handle things like this abysmally, especially when they have goals like reuniting kids with abusive parents when that sometimes goes disastrously wrong. To be fair, social workers are overworked, underpaid, and their agencies are underfunded. It's not an easy job and the burnout rate is high. But the problems don't go away by themselves.
dirndl: We are all a mixed bag aren't we, both fragile and strong and a good thing most of us are. Sometimes one part of us gets tougher to make up for the part that got hurt. I'm glad you have a mother who you appreciate and is still around. Time might not heal all but it does allow for perspective and you've got a good one.
Paul: Some wise words here that add a lot of depth to this: "Toxicity can reach everyone, particularly the poor and the middle class, and it results not always from exploitation but from the rush to be exploited." Our superficial culture can be a breeding ground for unhappiness, instant gratification and instability. I love this too: "We work four times as hard to have twice what we need, and all of that makes us half as human--not to mention angry, empty, bewildered and sick." The roots of a lot of our problems lie in our values or lack of them and I'm referring to basic things like personal responsibility, knowing right from wrong, seeing ourselves as part of a whole instead of as our own little one-person universe. This kind of thinking isn't encouraged or rewarded and there's many reasons for it as you know - but it's widespread, impossible to avoid, hard to resist and toxic. And it does take a lot of effort to live and think differently. Thanks for sharing this.
Belinda: What you say is true; all you have to do is read the paper to find this out. When things are held it or not dealt with, all kinds of bad things can manifest: blind rage, misplaced anger, lack of impulse control, self-destructive behavior, low self-worth, inability to maintain healthy relationships. Lots more, some more subtle than others.
aka: Your wife has the kind of job that gets no recognition (and probably insignificant monetary compensation) but in my opinion she's a rock star. Some days it must seem hopeless but to be able to create miracles as you say she does has got to be the best feeling in the world. Not everyone's cut out for that; not many would have the patience and stamina to know what's possible and see it through. Thank God for people like her.
Jeanette: Glad to share this; I wonder what your thoughts are after having some time to think about it. Lots of interesting opinions and viewpoints here.
Unbreakable: I have to disagree with both Nick and you. He did say
"they are talking about something that can't really be measured," but he's wrong. The American Academy of Pediatrics' (no fly by night organization) findings were based on 20 years of research, not assumptions, and what it is suggesting really isn't surprising. It's also not fatalistic, by any means. It specifically addresses the implications of long-term exposure to severe stress on infants and children, when their brains are most vulnerable. It's not talking about the kinds of ups and downs that most kids experience; it's referring to things like physical and mental abuse, lack of a protective figure, a hostile environment, chronic neglect, lack of affection from infancy on. Things like that. Often (but not always) these go hand in hand with poverty, which is another stressor. These things have all kinds of documented adverse effects, even on lab animals. The premise is that with recognition and early intervention, negative outcomes, like rampant despondency and utter resignation can be avoided. Those things already happen and take many forms: Criminality, drug and alcohol abuse, developmental disabilities, diminished economic performance.
kosher: See my PM.
♥║╔═╗║║║║║║╔══╣╔══╣╔╗╔╗║♥
♥║╚══╣║║║║║╚══╣╚══╬╝║║╚╝♥
♥╚══╗║╚╝╚╝║╔══╣╔══╝─║║
♥║╚═╝╠╗╔╗╔╣╚══╣╚══╗─║║
♥╚═══╝╚╝╚╝╚═══╩═══╝─╚For letting us know where kids are today regardless of how we think.
Then I prattle/pray, ay!
Please help me shush up!
Your comment? Keepers!
`
Yes. Fragile and resilient.
How do any of us survive?
I was one-month old, sigh.
My Father was holding me.
My Uncle Bernard died.
He died on Thanksgiving.
I blogged about that day.
He was a West Pointer.
We experience Trauma.
Bike crashes, war Trauma,
Folk hear the lawyers yelling,
Bank arrest, bad food (toxins),
Death Threats from (you know?)`
on/on, and no wonder we stew.
I made a 3- gallon pot of soup.
No drink two beers too late.
I got home and ate beans.
I dream I brewed mead.
Make in 55- gal jugs.
`
No listen to news.
Newt G. no good.
He kooky as duck.
`
I heard him in my P.U. truck. He reminds me of the absent minded professor who on Thursday eve - ask his (class-clowns) audience:`
`
"How was your weekend?"
He sure came-forth a mess.
What a disaster of a ruin.
`
Politicos mumble-mouth.
He sound as if he gorged.
He ate 3- galls of beans?
Newt G. toddler rumble.
He etc., burp B- farts.
He be insane Boob.
He gulp 55- oil gal.
BP bee pee in bed.
O, go B`ack to bed.
okay. A wild world.
Serious. WE learn.
I gotta go to a`VA.
Ay, a calf go`Moo.
It's my war wound.
My calf is acute too.
I no win leg contest.
Gaud have mercy too.
Was that you at the Indiana Toll Booth?
R
Yet the violence of the wealthy against our society is viewed with much more forbearance & understanding, as is the complicity of the middle class. For example, it was the wealthy who invented who invented the exotic securities which ravaged through the America's neighborhoods, but it was the middle class who carried out the actual robo-signings and lied to perspective homeowners.
This form of violence destroyed communities and families on a massive scale, but somehow it is largely the violent poor who fill our jails. As Woody Guthrie once sang," Some will rob you with a six-gun and some with with a fountain pen."
The violence of America's wars against the 3rd World originates among the wealthy and privileged, but it is mostly the people from the middle and impoverished classes who dispense the massive and deadly violence that results.
What happens to us in our childhoods that enable us to spread violence so casually? I'd be curious to know how the unleashing of stress hormones affects all classes of children and what other factors create a society such as ours where violence of all types is so widely accepted.
In my first comment, I was really referring to myself. Although I do observe this in my students everyday, I was thinking about my own childhood, and how no one back then offered a "soft place" or someone to talk to, or even advice on how to deal with what was happening in my home. I have to wonder how/where/when I learned to survive it. I don't know how I landed on my feet.
Like I said, very interesting piece.
p.s. I never let my baby "cry it out." Barbaric parenting, if you ask me! xo
On the other hand, they are also over-indulgent in terms of physically protecting them. When I was young, my mom let me climb trees, play in the dirt with GIJOES, trucks and plastic dinosaurs, and I often came home with cuts and scratches on my arms and legs after playing these, and other games involving footballs, baseballs, and various other things.
Today's youth are coddled and many moms don't let their kids "roughhouse" enough. This makes the kids a little weak, I think.
The key is to provide your kid with lots of love and emotional support, but at the same time, allow them to get dirty and get scraped knees from time to time.
Cortisol is one mean bugger of a chemical.
It's taken me a long time to accept and reconcile the effects of my weird childhood on me...a bipolar mother who drank and whose neediness consumed my life into my late 20s. Still did until last year (I am now 54), without the nurturing and attention I also needed as her only child.
I have an absurd amount of difficulty (objectively speaking) trusting authority. I have a tough time with medical/dental procedures...anything that leaves me physically and emotionally vulnerable without my usual effective defenses. I'm OK with this because I now really understand where it comes from -- if you are not given the safety, comfort and protection you need as a child, you have to figure out how to give it to yourself.
I've been told many times "I could never have survived that"...but I did. There was plenty of $$, and private school and camp, but don't think for a minute that only poor people have stress. Being sent away at 8 and seeing one's family on weekends for years isn't terribly helpful in learning how to behave "normally." You make it up as you go along.
Mental illness in one's immediate family is a hell of a stressor if/when, as in my case, no one gave a shit, or helped me cope or shielded me from it or even explained what the hell was wrong with my mother. They all kept telling me that bipolar illness is inherited. Boy, that was comforting!
All we can do is the very best we can with what we can control, but my gosh, don't even pretend it doesn't matter.
We were accidents, each and every one.
My dad was gone when he wasn't home drinkin'
But my mom loved books and encouraged my thinkin.'
Beaten, threatened, abused -- and still had love
I hate violence, even though I took off those kid gloves
Many times in school, down the street or at home.
I can't say how much I like being alone.
Okay, I can't whip out any more rhyming stuff that exemplifies what I went through. I guess you could say I beat the odds.
Dad: Alcoholic, been drinking since he was 8 from his Gran'pap's still. Quit school in the 8th grade and hitchhiked from Arkansas to California. Joined the Navy at 18, married to my then 16 year old pregnant mom.
Mom, obviously quit school at 16. Pregnant, married and no high school diploma.
Five kids. Navy pay in the late 50's and early 60's for an enlisted man isn't very much.
I'm the only kid of the five that went to college. I paid for it, working the whole time and going to Community College -- thank god it's relatively cheap in California compared to anywhere else I've lived. I'm the only member of my immediate family with a degree of ANY kind.
I worried a lot when my daughter was born -- I still worry and she'll be 20 in February. Were the things I did good enough to overcome what appears to be generations worth of predisposition and a wealth of predjudicial, bigoted and small minded nurture from both sides of her family tree?
She still talks to me, so I'm thinking, "Yeah, maybe." Right now, I am acutely aware of the information you provide. It wasn't really news to me, even though I hadn't heard the report. As a parent and as a wondering child of an abusive and alcoholic parent, it only confirms what I know at a physical level to be true.
Glad to have the information out there, but like I say in my Keep It Simple Society piece: It's not what you got, it's what you do with it. It's as true for information as it is for money. I suppose you could chunk "Life Experiences" into that same bowl as far as that goes.
Great writing and piece.
--R--
or is that "peace?"
Do I think chronic stress produces diseases and disorders? Yes. Some are genetically predisposed to diabetes, cardiovascular, cancers, neurological, and yet autism is the newest target wherein forensic science is relatively uncertain as to the catalyst/cause/culprit.
The Placebo Effect hasn't been discussed and developments are ongoing. Without contradiction to any existing studies, there is limited comparison and contrast and therefore the data entered into any subsequent findings is incomplete and the output [conclusion] isn't accurately reflecting true results which occur had all facts been included during the input stage.
Science allows us to ponder our queries via guesstimations and our predictions are inclusive when new facts appear to support oppositions to group studies similar to those summarized in the Bell Curve experiment.
I'm also not talking about the "normal ups and downs all kids go through" - what I am referring to, through personal experience, is life with a raging alcoholic father, a drug addicted and severely depressed mother, violence, physical and mental abuse, sexual abuse, and chronic neglect. I'm talking about a 6 year old who had to take on the responsibility of caring for and protecting her 4 year old brother. I'm talking about survival of the basest kind here. This is not theory, this was reality.
Did it impact me and my brother negatively? Certainly. Did some caring authority figure intervene? Hell no. Did the effects of all that handicap us to the point where our "behavior could be modified, but disrupted brain circuits couldn't be rewired?" Neither my brother nor I became serial killers or Adolph Hitler. Far from it.
My belief that one can rise above one's upbringing is a deeply held conviction and everything in this report challenges that. And I reiterate, if I believed the statistics in this single report, I would indeed be despondent and resigned because I don't believe for one minute that what my brother and I experienced is a rare occurrence, especially in today's society.
Do I advocate early intervention and aid for children experiencing extremely damaging home lives? Of course, and in a perfect world that would be the norm. But it's not the norm. Shitty things happen all the time to children, and the ones who have no hope of escape or help or support are not always automatically consigned to a life of crime, hopelessness, and despair.
To simply toss out the concept of resilience and determination in the face of impossible odds does a disservice to countless numbers of people who have not only overcome but have triumphed over devastating life situations.
Lastly, Nick is correct in saying that these things cannot be measured. While it is true that long-term studies can be conducted and the results measured, there is no procedure available for measuring chemical levels in the brain, so the results obtained are speculative and educated guesses at best.
"You can modify behavior later but you can't rewire disrupted brain circuits. Early experiences are literally built into our bodies."
(r)
James: You've been through some unbelievable ordeals and at such a young age, the sorts of things that could bury an adult. Losing both parents and a sibling too, by the time you were 7 - I don't know what to say. You sound like a kind and intelligent man. I don't know if you have a family or children of your own but if you do I'd guess you're an excellent parent. Life deals us some insanely intense blows and I know it's pointless to say it's not fair but for these things to happen to a child, it's incomprehensible. Thanks for sharing your story.
Art: No, don't shush up! Drink more mead. There's lots of trauma everywhere. All you have to do is say the word and it's unbelievable what someone will tell you; you never know what's behind the smile. Tears, lots of times. Most people survive bad things; some even learn from them. Not everyone does. I'll have to check your blog and read about your Uncle Bernard. Was he a saint? My son was chased around a table by a Saint Bernard once; scared him and me to death. Newt G. looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck. I wish someone would goose his duck good and hard. I'll bet your calf is acute one. I hope your soup was good; I love soup!
J.P: If you're the guy I pulled my .45 on and chased down the highway to the next exit after you tried to pay your toll with a naked picture of yourself, then yes, it was I.
littlewillie: Yes there are certainly people like that, drifting through life like ghosts.
Bob: Some interesting observations. I don't know how you differentiate the guy who robs you with a gun from the guy who uses a fountain pen (I love that). The one with the pen is more dangerous and affects more people although we don't look at it that way. Violent crime is scary and immediate and gets everyone riled up. But the other kind is far more pervasive and deadly and spreads unchecked usually until it's too late. And you can't point fingers at one person or ID them in a mug shot. Rarely is anyone held accountable or sent to jail - they've got high-priced lawyers and big money behind them and everyone's pointing fingers at everyone else. Of course they should be in jail - but we don't think in those terms. Fat cats rape Americans and others every day, just not in a physically violent way. Thanks for adding another extremely relevant layer to what's become a very lively, provocative discussion. I'm learning something from every comment.
Joan: I love what greenheron said too. Some of the best art is born of suffering. Creativity can be spurred by it. I know from your writing you didn't have a soft place to land as a child. Somehow you managed and ended up being the kind of parent you never had. I wonder how; another person may have treated their child exactly the way your mother treated you. Was it a conscious effort on your part not to repeat her parenting style or was it internal - different wiring. Your writing has to help too. To be able to express yourself the way you do is a gift and an outlet and not everyone has that capacity. You've written about your brother who it sounds turned out very differently from you. I wonder why that is. How does one person in a family survive a hard landing while another doesn't.
As for the crying baby thing I agree - barbaric advice. It goes against every instinct not to pick up a crying baby yet so many people still subscribe to this although I think it's changing. I don't know when this terrible advice first came into vogue but my mother-in-law was big on it and she always clucked her tongue when I'd pick them up and tell me "you're going to spoil them, Margaret." That's why I rarely let her watch them when they were babies.
Rw005g: I was raised the same way you were; we stayed out all day and didn't come home until it was dark. Sure, the flip side is a lot of kids are coddled more and not in good ways and that can lead to other kinds of problems. I guess the pendulum swings both ways. Love and support plus a reasonable amount of rope seems to be the best way to raise a kid, in a perfect world.
Linnnn: Kim is indeed very eloquent and cortisol can be a "mean bugger" for sure. We can't live without it but too much, especially when the body doesn't have time to reset itself and relax, can literally kill you.
Jonathan: It is a great thread, isn't it. I never imagined the kinds of responses or ideas it would generate. And some amazing personal stories too.
High Lonesome: Glad to hear this from someone on the front line. It only makes sense that early experiences have an effect on future actions and behavior. And it's condescending and bull-headed to think otherwise. Yes, kids find ways to adjust because they have to but often those ways are self-destructive and hurtful to others. You've seen it and so has anyone who works in social services.
dunniteowl: Wow. That was quite a headrush of a read and poetry too - you have blown me away. It sounds like you broke the mold but one in five - not a very good stat, is it? I wonder what was different about you than your siblings. I'd be surprised if your daughter WASN'T talking to you. She's got to have the utmost respect and admiration for you and with what you've done with your life and what you instilled in her. Not to mention the fact that you must have some unbelievable stories. I read your post late last night but was too tired to comment the way I wanted to and am going back to it after I'm done here.
Thanks for offering both a piece of yourself, and peace. It sounds like you've willed inner peace somewhere, somehow.
Belinda: I think a study spanning two decades, especially one done by the AAP, is sufficient time to draw some conclusions. And the report they issued recently isn't worded in absolutes. Rather, it states that "environmental factors MAY (my emphasis) impact biology, development and resiliency, starting at birth." What it's calling for is heightened awareness on the part of doctors, educators, and others who see red flags early on and may be able to intervene before damage is done. I don't agree with your comparison of toxic stress effects and physical conditions like diabetes and heart disease that sometimes have a genetic predisposition. Disease is not the focus of the report and there's no mention of a genetic component. It is advocating intervention in what is frequently a pattern of repetition in order to break the cycle. I don't know the AAP's research methods and I don't know how many children they studied or how the placebo effect would factor into a study like this but I'll watch the video link you provided; thanks for that.
Unbreakable: "To simply toss out the concept of resilience and determination in the face of impossible odds does a disservice to countless numbers of people who have not only overcome but have triumphed over devastating life situations."
I'm not sure where you got this; I didn't imply it and neither did the AAP's report, which doesn't even mention the term "resilience." That's my term. No one is saying people can't rise above the negative effects of a horrific childhood like the one you and your brother experienced. Of course people do, all the time.
The report is calling for awareness and recognition on the part of those who come into contact with children from families where situations like your own exist. Are you saying that's wrong and can't make a difference? Just because you didn't become a serial killer (and the report doesn't state that and neither do I - I was being extreme; serial killers are quite rare) does that mean there were no residual effects from your childhood? And don't you wish someone had intervened?
The fact is not everyone can overcome what they were born into and had no control over. Not everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and soldier on. To assume otherwise is hard-hearted and cruel and attitudes like that affect public policy. Why fund programs for early intervention when it's easier to blame someone for not being tough enough. Psychologists, educators, doctors, social workers and others including people who commented here, would adamantly refute that. Of course there's never going to be "perfect world" scenario but are you saying it's pointless to try? The effort doesn't have to be costly and intensive. For example, encouraging mothers to hold their babies and talk to them, to breast feed them and read to them costs nothing and pays long-term dividends. Just because you can't measure the brain's chemical response, does that make it worthless?
Also, I'd be interested to know your thoughts on things that profoundly affect adults and also can't be measured in chemical increments, like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Are you saying that's hogwash or the result of some sort of character defect? What about rape victims who can't have a normal relationship, or victims of sexual abuse? How about depression? That can't be measured either and some people argue there's no such thing; they say it's a sign of weakness if one has to resort to antidepressants. If children should be resilient and expected to overcome terrible trauma then shouldn't that apply to adults times ten?
Again, resilience is an internal quality shaped by lots of external things and some internal as well. The brain and how it functions still isn't well-understood but studies do show cause and effect correlations. In the same way that not everyone who smokes is going to get lung cancer or heart disease, not everyone who's been exposed to violence and neglect is going to grow up being violent or neglectful to their own children. But enough are that I think it's worth trying to do something about.
Blacklilly89: I hope you're not destroyed by your childhood. You've made it this far and it sounds like you have some major strengths on your side. I hope you cultivate them and somehow find a way to turn off that internal voice - easier said than done, of course but it can be done.
Judy: It is chilling. Thanks for pointing that out and for reading.
Myriad: Perfectly and succinctly stated. Thank you.
I think we need to totally rethink the belief in the nuclear family as the preferred model. Just growing up believing you are less than because you don't have a good one is so destructive to self image and relationships moving forward. While I don't think growing up in a toxic, abusive environment helps, it also doesn't help to be constantly compared to better people. As a child of two abusive alcoholics, who were themselves struggling with issues related to their parents and birth order, (and I am sure a few generations of that), it's bad enough to grow up with lousy parents. It's even worse when you have to keep hearing from people how lousy they were, and how much better your life should have been.
mhold: I wasn't able to access the whole report, only a summary of it, but what I read didn't mention the ACE study. But I did look at the link and it does seem to go hand in hand with what the AAP report suggests. Thanks for that and for reading.
Fay: Food for thought is good too and sometimes leads to answers. Regardless, I don't see how getting things like this out in the open and raising awareness can be a bad thing.
Tom: Ha! Did you have a Santini-ish father? I am familiar with both those books and although my own experience was very different, I can see how a parent like that could cripple a person. Either that or turn them completely against the parent. I know a couple of people who had fathers like Conroy's. Absolutely nightmarish childhoods, the residue following them into adulthood and driving them into long-term therapy.
In Praise of a Desperate Man
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