JULY 2, 2010 3:48PM

Delusion

Rate: 11 Flag

Those who do not learn from their own histories

are doomed to repeat them

in increasingly murky depths of delusion

and call this 

the air

of the breath of life

exclaiming "inhale"

for company and solace in what they will not see.

 

Fred Hallman, thank you for PMing me your version of what I did. You  demonstrate the differences made by changes in sentence terminals and punctuation. Here's Fred's version:

Those who do not learn from their own histories,
are doomed to repeat them;
in increasingly murky depths of delusion,
and call this the air of the breath of life,
exclaiming "inhale" for company,
and solace in what they will not see!

                                                                   Thank You, Fred.

 

David Kinne continues the demonstration in the effect of punctuation, cleaning up after us with this version:

Those who do not learn from their own histories
are doomed to repeat them
in increasingly murky depths of delusion,
and call this the air of the breath of life,
exclaiming "inhale" for company,
and solace in what they will not see!

BTW, the smart peoples learn about the use and abuse of semicolons at http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon

                                                                  Thank you, David.

Author tags:

karma, blindness, errors, forgiveness, truth, courage, honesty

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Hmmmm, I'd like to say I get this, Maria, but I don't. I see both parts, of this, but they aren't joined clearly enough for my understanding.
It may just be me...or perhaps it's so personal that I'm not enough in your head to get exactly what you're trying to communicate. It's the last three lines...
Graham Sale
July 02, 2010 04:53 PM
Thanks for reading this Graham. Good news is it didn't take much of your time! It's coming off an experience I had, that really does require expanding on but I have no time for now. This may be my trigger to return to at a later date, when I am able to flesh it out.
maria heng
July 02, 2010 06:13 PM
I get it, it's just tricky syntax.
(R)ated, because I do.
Fred Hallman
July 02, 2010 06:18 PM
I love this, both versions, was it Fred's to begin with?
hyblaean- Julie
July 02, 2010 07:52 PM
Oh this should be on my fridge. What an impact, thanks to both of you.
l'Heure Bleue
July 02, 2010 08:37 PM
WHAT? Not a complete blooper (thank you Julie and the 2nd version is Fred's improvement on what I did), and it's worthy of a fridge posting (thank you so much, l'Heure Bleue)! Good golly I'm happily surprised. Gonna PM Fred the nice news.
maria heng
July 02, 2010 09:07 PM
Maria, I liked this a lot. Fred, I think your revision is fantastic. I am amazed that the same words, with different punctuation and spacing, could make such an improvement on what was already great.
Linda Shiue
July 03, 2010 02:47 PM
Thank you Linda, I thought it would be instructive and fun to compare - exactly what you noted.
maria heng
July 03, 2010 03:53 PM
I prefer the first one :) Not sure exactly why. I think the pacing and shortening when talking about breathing, taking a moment to stop running those loops in your head, meant something that gets lost in the second.
hyblaean- Julie
July 03, 2010 04:01 PM
I like both versions. I wish I had these while I was still teaching to demonstrate exactly how punctuation can make a difference. ~R
FusunA
July 03, 2010 07:16 PM
Thank you! A tough example for the use of the first comma and semicolon. R
The Judge
July 04, 2010 05:12 AM
Some mistakes are repeated out of habit rather than rationalization or thought. We are who we are.
Ted Zeppelin
July 08, 2010 07:34 PM
It must've been the day or my state of mind...but now I see it.
We all do this to some extent and invite others to join us in our reality watch- though we may not realize it, and on the other hand we must keep a watchful eye out not to join others in the delusion that is their reality, especially if it will do us harm. Everyone has their truth; the truth they live in.
Graham Sale
July 09, 2010 06:58 PM
Yes, Graham - you see what I intended. It is painful to watch someone entrench themselves deeper in their personal "truths" that serve up only pain- to themselves and those around them. Witnessing this warns me to look hard at my own views and question them, especially when my comfort rests on them.
maria heng
July 10, 2010 01:30 PM
I like Fred's lineage, but not his punctuatiage.

Here's my cleanup of what he suggested:

Those who do not learn from their own histories
are doomed to repeat them
in increasingly murky depths of delusion,
and call this the air of the breath of life,
exclaiming "inhale" for company,
and solace in what they will not see!

BTW, the smart peoples learn about the use and abuse of semicolons at http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon
David Kinne
July 18, 2010 08:41 PM
I generally prefer punctuation (I do think it's a poet's way of giving the reader a hand, and there's nothing wrong with that). But in this case, I think the original is better--not only because of the punctuation but due to the line breaks. I think they better convey the meaning.

But mostly I like that you're open to suggestions. I've gotten wonderful hints in the past from readers here and find that cooperation greatly rewarding.
AtHomePilgrim
August 01, 2010 10:00 AM
Returning to add a few more thoughts.

I think of commas as short breaths, semicolons as short pauses breaths, periods as complete stops.

As an actor, I was trained to examine the text carefully for where the breaths and pauses and stops should be, regardless of where the printed text indicated them to be. That informs my practice as a writer, of listening to what I write, and punctuating my text as if I was reading it aloud.
David Kinne
August 10, 2010 12:45 AM