Maria Stuart

Maria Stuart
Location
Howell, Michigan, USA
Birthday
February 17
Company
mariastuart on Twitter
Bio
Maria Stuart is a journalist without a print job who lives with her husband and son in southeast Michigan. She is currently working on Livingstontalk.com, a hyper-local information and conversation site.

Maria Stuart's Links

Salon.com
Editor’s Pick
JULY 15, 2009 9:00AM

Kids and sex: Sometimes ignorance is bliss

Rate: 19 Flag

I’ve given thanks every day this summer that I am unemployed. Rather than trudging off to my stressful old newspaper job every day, I instead get to be witness to the summer in which my son, Will, happily transitions to the “double digits,” as he calls them.

Today, my little boy turns 10.

Angelbaby

Will at 4 months, posing for his first Christmas card photo.

But this birthday and this summer is about so much more than double digits. My heart knows it’s the beginning of the end of an era; this is the last summer my son will be an innocent little boy. He’s taller and mostly wiser, ready it seems to leap past this point of no return. In the fall he’ll be in the fifth grade, his last year in elementary school and the first in which he’ll get a basic sex ed class.

That’s not to say my son is clueless about the ways of the birds and bees. He possesses a rudimentary knowledge of childbirth, and he asks questions — lots and lots of questions. My husband and I answer as honestly and as simply as we can. Will knows babies grow in the mother’s tummy, but as far as I can tell, he doesn’t yet know that a penis is involved in the process.

Shortly before I lost my job, I asked my fellow editors — all of them men and good family guys with older kids — when the right time was to have the big “sex talk.”

The advice was to not give more information than the kid really wants. “Kids don’t need all the details,” one man said. “They just want their questions answered honestly.”

So that’s the path we’ve been following. Maybe we’re rotten parents, but I don’t think so. There’s so much time in life to know everything; there are only a few years to be blessedly ignorant of sex and all that it means. Sometimes, at least for little kids, ignorance really can be bliss.

It’s too bad not all kids are lucky enough to live that bliss. It was nearly two years ago that two students at my son’s elementary school were charged with forcing a 7-year-old to perform oral sex on them on the bus ride home. The boys charged in the assault were 9 and 11.

It was a heartbreaking case that attracted widespread media attention; it also tore at the community. In the end, the two boys took a deal and pleaded no contest in juvenile court to charges of gross indecency between males. The deal meant that the far more serious criminal sexual conduct charges were dropped, a move that kept the boys’ names off the Michigan sex offender registry. Pleading no contest isn’t considered an admission of guilt, but it’s treated as such at sentencing.

It was a difficult time to be the managing editor of the local newspaper, as well as a parent. That boys so young possessed such knowledge and inclination was heartbreaking. Since then I keep an even closer eye on my son, and we routinely talk about appropriate behavior and staying safe.

So far, it seems my well-intentioned hyper-vigilance either paid off big time or has been completely unnecessary, depending on how you look at it. So far, my kid is actually something of an innocent prude.

I was checking e-mail on my laptop while Will and I watched the “American Idol” finale together. When “Bikini Girl,” the Idol wannabe who achieved her 15 minutes of fame by auditioning for the talent show wearing only a skimpy bikini and high heels, hit the stage for the finale, Will was aghast.

“Oh, my GAWD,” he said. “Mom! I can see her PRIVATES.”

He sounded alarmed and repulsed, as if Bikini Girl had showed up stark naked and spewed green slime from her nostrils. Will turned from the television set, shielding his eyes with one hand as if he would be struck blind if he kept looking.

“Her privates?” I looked up from my computer, expecting a wardrobe malfunction. Instead, I saw Bikini Girl in a bikini, plodding through a ballad badly.

Will nodded, keeping his eyes shielded with one hand and waving the other over his chest. “I can see almost EVERYTHING,” he said in the same horrified tone.

I stifled a laugh. “Just don't look,” I told him, “and you might not feel so grossed out in a couple years.”

This summer, though, Will is happily lazing his way through the warm days with his neighborhood pals. The other night, a plan for a backyard sleepover took quick shape; four kids were going to spend the night in Will’s best friend’s old camper, right across the street from my yard. Of the four kids sleeping out that night, my son was the only boy, a fact that fazed him not. His contribution to the evening was going to be a bag of potato chips.

We ran some errands before the sleepover, and stopped at a market to get the chips. As we left, I felt compelled to have a shortened version of the “talk” we’ve had every so often since the school bus sex assault incident.

“We need to talk,” I said.

Will eyed me warily. The biggest social event of his summer thus far — a SLEEPOVER, for chrissake — was just minutes away, and now I wanted to TALK?

“Am I in trouble?” he said. “Do I have to stay home?”

“No, but we need to talk about something before you go,” I said. “I know we’ve talked about it before, but I want to go over with you again about your privates.”

“My PRIVATES?” Will shrieked as if Bikini Girl had suddenly jumped in front of my car.

“You know how we’ve talked about appropriate behavior, about keeping our privates private,” I said, but he cut me off.

“I can’t BELIEVE you’re talking to me about this NOW,” he said, sounding absolutely mortified. “Why do you think I don’t know that?”

“It’s not that I think you don’t know it,” I said. “I just wanted to go over it again.”

“I know about my privates,” he said. “I know where to keep them. What makes you think anyone would want to see them ANYWAY?”

“Just in case,” I said. “Look, I’m your mother and it’s my job to keep you safe.”

“I can’t believe you think I don’t know all that,” he said.

We drove home in silence.

Will  jumped out of the car and headed off to his sleepover, bag of chips in hand. “I love you mom,” he said, “and don’t worry. I know all that stuff.”

Later, I watched from across the street as the kids chased each other up and down the sidewalk on scooters and then around the yard on foot. They were laughing and squealing and having a great time. I had to smile.

When I went to bed that night, I poked my head into Will’s room, like I always do, except Will wasn’t there to tuck in and kiss good night. I sat on his bed for a bit instead.

His room felt so comforting. Over the window is his nightlight of choice: a lighted model of the moon. The ceiling is covered with glow-in-the-dark stars and planets that his dad and I put up shortly before his birth; on the walls are posters of Harry Potter and Spiderman; his bed is littered with the stuffed animals that keep him company as he goes to sleep. On the floor next to his bed is a teetering pile of books he loves reading over and over again, as well as a couple pencil sketches and a pair of dirty socks.

This is the room of a little boy — double digits be damned —  a child well-loved by many, a lucky little guy around whom his parents revolve.

It's also the room of the child I worry will grow up way too fast. That he gets grossed out by Bikini Girl and insulted when I talk with him about his privates is just fine with me. He has a lifetime to be wise, to know a lot of stuff, but just a short while left of innocently ignorant bliss.

Once, a few years ago, in one of those moments when you suddenly realize how big your kid has become, Will’s dad remarked to him that he was growing up so fast.

“Don’t worry, daddy,” Will said. “I’m going to go as slow as I can.”

But time waits for no one.

Happy birthday, sweet Will. 

SophieWill
Will and his new puppy, Sophie.

 

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The first week with Will's birthday puppy has been wild. A post about it is in the works.
Lovely, and loving. Yes, innocence will pass, but it sounds as though Will has been handled with tremendous loving care and thoughtfulness. He'll make the transition fine. Then he'll reach the stage when he'll be embarrassed by you, but he'll--and you'll--live through that too.
You are doing a wonderful job it seems. It must be hard to protect AND reveal what is necessary and know how much and when. Kudos.
I had such a hard time when our son turned 10 - something about those double digits throws you the first time. When he turned 11 last spring and announced he was just 4 years from getting his driving permit I almost threw up. I am finding that letting your kids grow up is one of the hardest parts of parenting.
Innocence does pass. A parent's wisdom also gets passed down. Happy birthday Will! rAted!
My dear sweet boy is 7.5 and looks about 10. Each day I wonder what information I need to share him to get through his everyday. Each day I wonder when his innocence will begin to fade. Each day I wonder whether I am giving him the information he needs. Not just on this subject, but on just about every subject.
(Rated for writing a slice of my life.)
This was a superb read. Can't wait to hear about the puppy!
If he's a reader, buy him a good, complete book. I'll be looking into that myself in the next year for my son.

I think as parents we all have to walk that line between protecting their innocence and shielding them from the consequences of naiveté. There are so many great children's book right now. I'm sure there's the perfect book for your son that will answer his questions when he needs to know them. There are way too many men out there who want to stick their head in the sand about the practical and ethical questions surrounding sex. It's great that you're not the kind of mother that is going to let that responsibility slide. But the reality is that we are the last people our son's want to talk to about this. There are other ways of making sure they have the information they need.
He sounds like a great kid. I love the way your writing evokes his boyishness. As the mom of 3 boys, trust me -- He WILL grow up too fast, despite everyone's efforts, so savor each moment.

What a tragedy about the exploited child. Not to minimize it in any way, but I hope knowing about this awful incident doesn't make you or your child too afraid to enjoy life, like that sleepover you describe.

I'm not a big fan of "the talk." Rather, lots of little talks at lots of little teachable moments. Sounds like you're doing great so far. For example, when you see something on TV that elicits a conversation like the one you describe.

There are also some very good books such as "What's Going On Down There?" I find that books allow them to explore questions they're too embarrassed to ask their parents.
My 'little' boy will be 20 next month. When it was time for 'the talk', i bought him a book called "Whats Happening to my Body, book for boys". It has good strightforward information. Non-judgmental facts about masturbating, and other tricky issues.
But I also agree that lots of little teachable moments are best. I have always tried to make sure my son know he can talk to me about anything.
What a wonderful post! That line between innocence and ignorance is so fine.
Your post brought both smiles and tears to my eyes. I can certainly relate...not only because I have six children, but also because my youngest is nine and a boy. It's always been difficult for me to see the innocence slip away from my kids. It's even harder knowing that my last child is it. Whatever stage he goes through, that will be the last time I get to experience that particular stage. Before him, I at least knew I had the younger ones to repeat the sweet growing stages. Of all the stages, I think the one where you know they are losing their innocence is probably the most heartbreaking. It's probably because I cherish the innocent element in kids so much. For me, the other difficult stage has been around 16 to 17 when they and their friends start driving and dating..... That's when the BIG WORRY started for me.
Excellent post! Congrats on the EP!
As far as the sex book suggestions - we have used a great one called "It's So Amazing" with our 11 and 8 yr olds. It is from Candlewick Press and really approachable, even funny, and just enough info. There is a more advanced book for older kids so this one covers just enough for the under -12 set. Our son still browses through it from time to time and then comes to ask us questions...but why is it that I am the only parent home when he comes to ask about things like wet dreams?
I'm going to check those out Mamoore. Candlewick is generally considered one of the best kid and YA publishers in the U.S. So anything from them is usually good stuff.
What a great-looking kid! Sweet post, except of course for the tale of the bus incident. I'm sad that something like this happened in Howell of all places.
Hi Maria, fellow traveler!

My son is 11, just one year past yours. He's heading for 6th grade. My advice is to head to Barnes and Noble some evening sans kids, and spend an hour in the "sex ed for kids" section. There's one section full of parenting books, there's another corner in the childrens section that is full of sex ed books aimed at kids.

I realized that some of what I needed to do is provide information to counter the misinformation that comes home from the playground. Fifth graders sharing information and the endless "telephone game" twisting of that information is a strange and scary thing. Especially when some of those fifth graders have older brothers or sisters in high school. Sometimes information comes from homes where there's no filter on the computer and the kids are seeing god-knows-what. Sometimes he hears things from them that he's too embarrassed to ask about. So I am in the process of building him his very own (age appropriate) reference library about these things.

And yes, it's lots and lots of little talks, not "the talk." Good luck. I was prepared for diapers, for playdates, and all that... but so not prepared for this!
Sounds like a great kid. So happy for you. ;)
This was wonderfully charming. I spend a lot of time wishing that my parent's hadn't been so prudish - they didn't speak to me at all. They tossed a book at me and told me to read it. It was about menstruation, not actually "sex". There is so much more to learning about sex than the act itself, it's what you are to society as a man or a woman, it's how you treat the opposite sex romantically and sexually. Shit, it's a complicated thing. Will is lucky to have parents willing to talk to him and not to be left to his own devices.
I don't know... doesn't it worry you that he said, "I already know about my privates!" That sounds to me like he's getting information from his friends and he doesn't want to talk to you about it because he's too embarrassed. But I'd be worried that not all his information is accurate.

I am a teacher and I was a tutor for three years before that. I've been working mostly with high school students. And you'd be amazed at what they don't know - at their misconceptions.

I honestly feel that the best way to "protect" your children is to give them all the information so that they can make informed decisions because you cannot be with them everywhere they go. I mean its hard to shelter children whose very inclination is to go out their and explore the world around them. They are going to go out and try things.

And giving them a book seems woefully inadequate to me because you're telling the child that this subject is too embarrassing and shameful to talk about. You're teaching them not to ask.

I also don't think by telling them about sex you are undermining their innocence. You know they are still innocent as long as they react with "Ewww! That's gross! Why would anyone ever do that?" Its what the child sees and experiences that causes them to lose their innocence - not what they know.

I cannot say that I completely understand. I do not yet have any of my own children. I just interact with a lot of really great high school kids who are just starting to figure out who they are. And they will ask me things because I'm still young - they think that I will understand better than their parents because I still remember being a teenager. Can't say if they're right or not, but they will ask things and I refuse to let them stay ignorant if they ask. But I truly worry about the children who don't ask - who have been taught that its a subject we just don't talk about.
Several years ago when my son was about 10 I asked him if we needed to have a talk about this stuff, and he said "Not necessary Dad, I watch Two and a Half Men".
Moms of girls can forget this is a tough situation for moms of boys also. I have 2 daughters but had 9 nephews before having my girls, so I'm not totally clueless.
I menstruated at 10 and suspected my now 11 year old would also. Yep, she did and I'm glad I started having "The Talks" when she was 9. My now 9 year old isn't physically maturing as fast as her sister,but I've filled her in on the facts also.
One thing I never thought I would have to say to them was to stay away from our neighbor of 10 years, "Mr. D." and why. I had to tell them, 2 months ago, that the kind husband, father, neighbor pulled his pants down in front of me. Until that day, I never thought twice about having him & his family in my home, about my daughters spending hours in their home playing video games with their son.
I thought the basic sex talk was going to be awkward. It was a breeze compared to the Never Go Near "Mr. D." Again talk.
very sweet, and the picture ending is perfect.
Hey--just getting on a plane to go to Atlanta for five days. But I had to comment. "Privates" may not be a universally understood term, you know? I'm also with the folks who suggest offering a book (followed up by a talk). A book is something you can turn to again and again when you're alone, a non-judgmental reassurance, just the facts. Sometimes, you have to read something 10 times before you're not grossed out.
Great post. You have a handsome son!
Tears. My sons are grown men now, but I remember the end of latency, and within a short time, the change of voice and all that. You are a lucky, loving family, and it shines through in this lovely rite-of-passage piece.
I bet you were a great editor. Aren't all reporters kinda like little children?

My kid is ten, too. Starting fifth grade, too. I saw bits of him in your post: Aghast at some scantily clad woman; aghast at my ignorance of his worldliness. I'm never sure what I'm doing is enough or right. But I try to make sure he knows there are boundaries. But since I'm divorced, it gets a little more complicated. I wonder what his mother is teaching him and if that jives with what I'm saying. I try to communicate with her about all that, but you still worry.

But I know one thing. I wouldn't have been able to write about this with your insight and skill. Great job, Maria. Anything that helps me do this fatherhood thing better is always appreciated.
Hello, all – Sorry it’s taken me so long to get with you. We spent yesterday at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Mich. If anyone gets anywhere near to the place, I strongly recommend a trip there. It’s an amazing facility.
ATHPilgrim – I am sure he’s been at the stage at which I embarrass him for quite a while now.
Yekdeli – It is hard. Hard, but fun, too.
Melissa – I still think about your post on your daughter and camp (http://open.salon.com/blog/melissa_moore/2009/07/01/unparenting_a_six_day_lesson). That was a great read and a story that struck close to home.
Mr. Mustard – Will thanks you for your birthday wishes.
Wordsmith – My advice, since you didn’t ask for it, is to spend as much time with your kid and enjoy the heck out of him until you start embarrassing him (see ATHPilgrim’s comment above.)
Cartouche – If we survive the next few days with the puppy, there will be a post. Cripes – I forgot how amazingly fast, energetic and mischievious the can be.
Hi, Juliet – I am off the bookstore this weekend.
Faith, Indie Girl – thanks for the suggestions. I will check them out.
High Lonesome – It’s a fine line, for sure. That’s what makes walking it so difficult.
Patricia k – I can’t imagine what it will feel like when Will starts driving. I may join Melissa!
Melissa and Juliet – I will be checking out “It’s So Amazing.” Sounds like a great book.
Laurel – Thanks. He looks like his dad.
Froggy – I agree with you. It’s time for a book. And answers to whatever questions he has.
Gwendolyn – Thanks.
Asta – It is complicated. That’s why so many parents have trouble talking about it, I think. I never wanted to be one of those. Thanks for the nice words!
Kasienda – It’s good you’re honest with your students. They certainly deserve straight answers.
Chingaso – Ha! If only I had thought of television sooner. ;>)
Ame – What’s scary is the world is full of Mr. D’s, some, like yours, in what we consider to be our safest places, our home and our neighborhoods.
Sandra – Thanks so much.
Hey, Nancy – Hope Atlanta goes well. We need to talk!
Benjamin – Thanks. And he looks just like his dad.
Hi, Lea – Thank you for your kind words.
Mr. Stone – perhaps we should start an OS group for parents of 10-year-olds. Thanks for your kind words, and I am sorry divorce has complicated things for you.
I think my little guy is a bit too young for you, sallycougar, but you're good enough reason to get to the “talk” sooner, rather than later.
A lovely post. I especially like the image of you sitting in your son's room on his bed. Been there, done that.
Well for me, it's two down, and two more to go. Our youngest daughter is almost 8 and our son is 17months. I don't worry about the girls as much as I worry about our son, the baby and only boy. He has enough against him as it is. I will not leave this talk to my dear husband, but I will let him put in his bit. Great story!
Hells Bells -- Thanks for stopping by. Thanks, too, for sharing your stories.
DILLIGAFF -- Enjoy your little boy. I, too, will be a big part of the formal “talk,” which should be coming soon. The kid was singing the “Viva, Viagra” song tonight without knowing what it's all about.