I read/performed the following essay last night at Wendy Hammer’s monthly “literary salon.”  The night’s topic was “VINTAGE: WOMEN WHO GET BETTER WITH AGE.” 

SEX AND THE SEASONED WOMAN  

When I began to experience the “early-onset ageism” that tends to befall so many actresses in the film and television industry...I went back to my theater roots, collaborating on a project that had one reviewer make note:  “...perhaps the best revenge on Hollywood (for middle-aged actresses) is  success onstage.”  

And for another reviewer to comment that our show was: “living proof to ad execs everywhere that sex, really good sex, has no age limits.”

Ya think?

In my new show “MOIST!” – which is kind of like The Vagina Monologues, except that we celebrate all genitalia equally – oh, by the way, MOIST is an acronym for Multiple Orgasm Institute of Sexual Transformation. Anyway, my collaborator, Iona Morris, and I continue in our exploration of sex and the seasoned woman. One of the stories I tell is about two fabulous vintage women, who in real-life are the mothers of two of my best friends...as told through the eyes of my theatrical alter-ego, Ginger Peechee-Keene, aka “The Little Woman Gone Wild,” (the title of her MomBlog) who is a recent empty-nester.  Just as her last child went off to college, her husband flew the coop. 

I bring to you now, Ms Ginger Peechee-Keene...

So, until the media can come up with better role models of how I’m supposed to “behave” as I get older, I’ll continue to look to life...

My first inspiration is an eighty-five year-old “hottie” whom her son has nick-named Octo-babe.  And that was years before Octo-mom. Anyway, she always looks like she just stepped out of a Bloomingdales catalogue…and she wouldn’t be caught dead in anything that even remotely resembles a “housedress.”And her boyfriend is ten years younger. And she refuses to marry him because she “likes her space.” 

She also worries about her daughter – a friend of mine, who broke up with her boyfriend over a year ago -- “not getting any.”

(West Indian Accent)

 Sex is important, baby…It’s what keeps you young…‘cause let me tell you…my arthritis was bothering me all last week…and then I got laid last night.  When I woke up this morning, the pain was all GONE.”

Another inspiration, is an 83 year-old five-foot-six, size six, platinum-silver-haired, Southern Belle named Lucy, who has a ninety-five year-old “just a friend”named Harry…who last year bought Lucy a Cadillac so she’d have something safe to drive when she came to visit him in the nursing  home.

Lucy also has two other boyfriends…

The one she likes the most, lives out of state so he can be closer to his grandchildren…So, she’s taken on a twelve years-younger  local “neighbor fella” to “take care-a  huh needs.” Her nickname for him is…“Mr. Old Eleven Inches.”

Now, before you start passing judgment, you should know that Lucy has raised five kids and was married and divorced from two husbands…who BOTH cheated on her and left her for younger women.  The last time was when she was seventy-five… right after she had been diagnosed with cancer and had a double mastectomy.

Lucy made a vow to herself right then and there,  that if she survived, there would never, ever, be another man in her life…or, in her words…

“There will be many, many men…

But never, ever will there be just one.”

Today, Lucy is a 9-year survivor...and she has stayed true to her word. And when I grow up…I want to be just like her: better sex and bigger cars…or better cars and bigger sex.

But most importantly, on my own terms. 

The moral of this story is that SEX has no expiration date!  In fact, once upon a time...

Mother Earth and Father Time

Thought they would go a-courtin’

But there was no place that they could go

Where all eyes were not upon them….

Oh, to steal a kiss, Exchange a glance,Without everyone looking thus:  "EEEEWWWWWW!!!"

            And why were their longings and urges creating such a fuss?

           ‘Cause they were just too goddamned…

“OLD… THAT’S WHY!

“It ain’t normal!” “It ain’t natural!” Folks were heard to say.

And just to make sure they stayed apart, Good Intentions

sent their spies: 

“Propriety.” “Polite Society.”“Morality”…to name a few.

Jeeze…Who’d-a-thunk a couple of horny old folks

Could have set off such a stew?

Now, I ask you…

Just what were a couple of HORNY OLD FOLKS Supposed to do?

“Up yours!” Said Mother Earth.

“Ditto!” Said Father Time….

I don’t tell ‘em what to do with theirs…

They can’t tell me what to do with mine!”

HOOOORRRAAAYYYY....

for the HORNY OLD FOLKS!

“Hip-hip” for the red, white and blue!

You can lose…Your hair! Your teeth! Your mind!

BUT YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO SCREW.

For the record:

·I asked my girlfriend how Harry was doing and she informed me that he’d died last year...however he left money in his will for her mother to buy a new Cadillac.        When “Lucy” (the real name has been changed) came to see the show, the “neighbor fella” was referred to as “Mister Ol’ Nine Inches.”  However, she corrected me after the show: “No, darling’, it was Eleven.”  Fact or Fiction?  I don’t know...but it’s her story, and so I’m stickin’ to it!