Being of sound mind - I spent all my money! Well, that takes care of my Last Will & Testament.
Oh yeah, if I work it right, when I die I won't have any money left over. Of course, I don't want to cut it close like Henny Youngman when he said, "I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by 4 O'Clock"!
It's not that I want to die broke, but my goal is zero money at the end; something like a Simultaneous Orgasm. That's right, if I'm lucky; the last check I write will bounce.
Okay, I'm a little anal, but I believe in that saying, "It's better to live rich than to die rich". All right, I wouldn't call myself rich, but I've pinched pennies so long & so hard; Lincoln has a double chin. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul - half the time Paul is ungrateful, and Peter feels used!
Of course, my husband isn't an equal anal partner in this. Bob says my projected goal is already ahead of schedule. Silly guy; he wants to buy Stock for the grandchildren...I want to sail to Bora Bora. He's helping me pack.
I told him the grandchildren will be happy we enjoyed it while we were alive. It'll teach them to be industrious, self reliant, and that money doesn't grow on family trees.
He says, "No, it will teach them to be selfish - and that their Granny was nuts"!
So I said, "How about all those RV's I see with the bumper sticker: "I'm spending my kid's inheritance"?
"Honey, he said, if we followed every bumper sticker we saw; right now Hillary Clinton would be paying condolences to Mrs. Bin Laden"!
"Sweetie, I can't put that in my article".
"I know, but I just like to say it", said Bob.
"Well, what about those bumper stickers"?
"To tell the truth, I'm too busy reading the ones that say, "I got this car for my wife - not a bad trade"!
"That's it Bob - I'm having breakfast at Tiffany's"!
"How about lunch at Sears"?
"I'm telling you, there's proof spending it all is a good thing to do. After John Foster died in 1843 he said, "The pride of dying rich raises the loudest laugh in hell". And who can quibble with a dead man?
"Even Shakespeare said, "He that dies pays all debts."
Bob said, "Oh, by the way, Visa just called".
I said, "Did you tell them I was out shopping"?
He said, "I didn't have to".
"You know, when young King Tut died, his mummy knew how to get rid of gold lying around the house".
Bob said, "Is that what you want"?
"No, I want a portait done of me wearing a diamond necklace - like that old joke. You know...so your next wife will go crazy looking for it"!
So I said, "Don't you worry; I have a Plan B. Just like "The Rules of Monopoly". "If the bank runs out of money, it may issue as much money as it may need by merely writing on any ordinary paper"....I even heard Greenspan said the same thing on his way out of "Treasury"!
"You're out of control - you're gonna hit bottom", he whimpered.
"Manically I roared, "That's the ticket"!
He said, "Is this hormonal"?
"No Baldy; I decided to do this when I noticed that there were no Luggage Racks on a Hearse"!
"I guess the next thing you're gonna do is open a "Bed & Breakfast" in Alaska & call it "EAT YOUR NEXT EGG", right"?
"No, I just got fitted for my casket - not too many people do that. I made mine roomy.... I remembered, "He who dies with the most toys wins"!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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