Imagine 100 New Year's Eve's! Wow, no wonder my Aunt Sadie still has confetti in her ears! Married without children; my aunt made it to three digits - but that doesn't have anything to do with it.
Lucky for me and her clan, she's very healthy, has all her marbles, and her doctor says she has 501 genes. And she has an amazing memory. She can remember "The La Brea Tar Pits" before it had a Gift Shop! And she still remembers being married to Kunte Kinte and Abe Vagoda, but she always adds, "Kunta was a better dancer!
Actually, I was right there with her when she turned 100. You know what? There was no drum roll. I've felt more excitement watching my Odometer roll over! Not even a call from the President - or the voice of God thanking her for her time and for not smoking!
She even noticed the lull and said "Okay, bring in Orville & Paul"! For a minute there; I thought she ordered Strippers, but then I remembered; for excitement she pops Popcorn without the lid on!
Unlike most elder boomers; she didn't want a party or any fuss. She says she's like George Burns when he said, "At my age; flowers scare me"! And doesn't care what he said; she buys green bananas! "Who did he think he was - God"?
She said she's embarrassed she never did anything remarkable, and to rub it in; the IRS even mentioned it! She says, "Where did I go wrong; maybe I should have taken typing"!
She's not bitter; I'm the bitter one. I told her, "Mark Twain once said, "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18". She said, "You know, Mark had a great butt"! Facetiously I asked, "And I guess you knew Methuselah too"? That geezer - he stood me up"!
As you can imagine, she stopped doing certain things to mark the occasion of her 100th. For one; she doesn't look at her Horoscope anymore. She says, "All I need to know is; if I wake up and smell the coffee - there's a burgler in the house"!
And she stopped dieting; she's eating like there's no tomorrow. Lately, under her breath, I've heard her murmur, "Let them get a Sumo Pallbearer"! Creme brule for breakfast, Cheesecake for lunch, "Alfredo" for dinner. Yes, Alfredo's her new Boy Toy; he's only 95. She says, "We get it on, but we can't get it off - the damn Support Hose is a killer"!
But she scares me when whe talks in her sleep. Last week, she opened one eye and spoke eerily, "Once the game is over, the King & the Pawn go back in the same box"! I never knew she was so deep. So the next morning I asked her about it, and she said, "Oh yeah; the night before Alfredo & I were playing Strip Chess"!
And yes; she has a dark side. Once I caught her saying, "What goes around comes around". She says she's been an Angel & a Devil, and admits she's even left Chewing Gum on her bedpost overnight. In fact, just for kicks; she says she phones Christian Scientists and shouts: "Penicillin, Cortisone, Aspirin"!
But I guess I'll keep her. Yesterday, when I asked her how long she wanted to live; she wasn't greedy. She said, "At least till 2012 to vote in the next election - for Lincoln"!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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