"How much for 1 Cucumber"?
The whole Line behind her perked their ears.
"No", said Elsa clutching her coupons at Checkout,
"I lost my husband, and I can only use one"!
I wouldn't touch that with a "Zucchini"...I take that back; I love an Italian man!
If you think this is going to one of those "Low Road" essays - it's not....unless I hear some major "Hits" out there!
If Benny Hill were alive; he'd be cupping the Mellons!
If Groucho were here; he'd be squeezing the Tomatoes.
If Harpo were here; he'd pull out his Banana.
If Chico were here; he'd be Undressing the Salad.
And if Zeppo were here - he wouldn't be - he'd be counting the money at home like he always did.
Yes, the Grocery Store has unlimited sensual shapes, sizes & opportunities for Mating Banter.
No doubt about it; it's Singles Friendly & Matchmaking Heaven; all with the sole purpose of possibly "Breaking Bread" with the opposite sex - that night, that week or right there on the floor of Aisle 9!
"You pick the Wine, I'll get the Cheese - I'm lactose intolerant".
"Candles; Aisle 2, Condoms; near the Salsa - hot, very hot & "Get out of the damn Store"!
These Managers are so strict these days!
It's funny, but on the day I saw that display of libido; nobody else noticed; a "Shopping Spree Contest" was in progress.
You know, that's when you grab everything you can fit in your Cart only to discover you forgot the meat - and filled the damn Cart with Pork Rinds & Cotton Balls!
If I had my way; there would be a Grocery Aisle just for "Aphrodisiacs"!
But I'll settle for "Antidotes for Aphrodisiacs" - you know, Rice Cakes, Tofu & Refried Beans!
Yes, Refried Beans; nothing says lovin' like the Scene in "Blazing Saddles"!
Everyone's on the make at the store!
The women standing by the Feminine Products hand out "Rain Checks", and I heard the women who hang around the Lobster Tank - like anything dipped in butter.
And gals, they're so easy to spot. The single guy looking confused holding the Avocado - is a cry for help:
"Does it open or is it a Hand Granade"?
And the guy who asked me "What Wine goes with Fish Sticks"?
All I'm thinking is, "For laughs - this guy's the one to take for Sushi"!
These guys don't know how to cook! No wonder they call The Meat Case: "The Wailing Wall"!
While picking out my breasts; one guy said to me,
"I draw the line at Generic Beef! It comes from cows who were dogs - you know; the ones who never got dates on Saturday Night"!
And they all have a Line - There's "The Backpacker Guy":
"Have you seen the "New Horizon's" Trail Mix Cereal? They finally found the perfect side dish to go with Beef Jerky"!
And "The Tree-Hugger Guy":
"I tell you we're Fiber crazy. You know the Cereal "SPLINTERS", from the Redwood Forest? I buy it by the Cord"!
And "The Cheap Guy":
"Don't you just love those Reduced Bins; you know - dented cans, day old bread, cakes with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUFFY" & irregular packs of HOHO'S with HAHA on them"?
And "The Prickly Guy":
"I just bought a package of Bologna. It says "SELL BY AUGUST 31st....the exact day!
While they're at it; why don't they put the hour we should keel over from eating it"!
But the guy who says he's "A Foodie" is way too paranoid to shop:
"I like to buy Turkeys other than just for Thanksgiving; but how come when I do - I get weird criminal looks from Shoppers like I was "The Pilgrim Strangler"!
You know, this is not "The kidnapping of "The Lindburgh Turkey here"!
And every girl's dream: the guy doing a Stand-Up Gig in "Produce" - Friday's at 9:00 to 9:05.
"Do you know where the Heimlich Maneuver first started?
The North Pole - someone was eating an Artichoke"!
Get me out of here!
Weary from today's dating excursion & looking for the last thing on my list; I caught a hunky Clerk & I couldn't resist:
"Where'ya hiding the Salami"?
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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