The wonderful folks at Open Salon have asked us to talk about something we've "made". As you will read below - what I made was indeed colorful. Oh, I wouldn't re-gift it ....but you be the Judge.
Quick! What's the 1st ingredient in a "Twinkie"? The fact is; nobody cares...and it's so dark in my Closet; it's impossible to make it out! Ah, Guilty Pleasures - don't laugh; I pray to "Krispy Kreme" every night! Those I eat in the Car with the Visor down!
It's true; reading Food Labels is a Dying Art! That's why it's in small print! Oh yes; they have a lot of Chemistry Tricks we don't want to think about: How did you really think your Orange Soda got that Neon Glow?
Take my Birthday Cake.....Please! The person who makes it for you wants to kill you! Forget about From Scratch; I mean the other loving gesture - the Box & the Can!
The icing is made from Sugars not even found on the Books at the FDA! Don't take my word for it; but the Food Coloring makes Rainbowed Bowel Movements - I showed my neighbors; so they can prove it!
The "Store Bought" Cake is even more suspect - you know with the 6 inch Ingredient Label. The last one I read had 3 kinds of Gum & not one - Juicy Fruit! When I got to the words: Propylene Glycol Monesters & Sodium Aluminum Polysorbate - I was so disturbed - I ate a Banana & forgot to pay for it!
What troubles me more is - my Spell Check Gal just Closed-up Shop & went out for a smoke! Now, do you still want A Cake?
It's mind boggling to me & a lot of other ticked off women; that men I've surveyed seemed to have the same rationale about making love to a woman with fake boobs as they do about eating altered foods - it just doesn't matter - they say, "Food is Food"!
For example - "Vienna Sausages" are not from Vienna & they aren't Sausages - they're just spoiled Pigs in a Blanket that kissed up to some high level Can Company Exec!
And don't get me started on "Bacon Bits"! I was so engrossed in watching "Avatar"; I ate a whole jar & my head exploded! Oh, you're supposed to Sprinkle? You'd think they would put a warning!
But I love the Fresh Fish Department, don't you? It's interesting; they have "Previously" Frozen Fish - which could mean yesterday - or during any of the lives of Shirley MacLaine!
Or they have "Imitation" Crab or Shrimp. Yeah, it looks real; but tastes like the inside of your kids Goldfish Bowl! You don't want to know how I know.
Or you can "end it all" right now & go to IHOP and get a #5: "Shot of Nitrates & a Caffeine Drip"! See; I give you choices.
I leave you with some Food for Thought...one of my Top 10 favorite old, old jokes:
WAITER: "Would the lady like some Tongue"?
WOMAN: "Sir, I'll have you know that I never eat anything that comes out of an animal's mouth"!
WAITER: "Then how about a couple of Eggs"?
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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