The 1st written account of Circumcision appears in the Bible in 1713 B.C. I heard that was a bad year for Wine too! There are drawings on Egyptian walls showing the procedure Rated: R 50. You had to be 50 to look at the walls - they knew what they were doing - nobody lived to 50! Well today, 2010 A.C. - I had to explain "A Bris" to my daughter's new in-laws:
Dear John & Mary,
Don't be alarmed but on Thursday; we'll be having a Bris. Maybe you better sit down.
The key to a good Bris is having it done when the baby is 8 days old; not when he's 20. Now that's a different Party! Louder screams for one thing; and Crowd Control - you'll need a much bigger Buffet!
Don't worry; I asked thousands of men and not one could remember their Circumcision. Mmm; I don't know...then how do you explain my husband wearing "a Cup" on our Wedding Night?
The Mohel is the doctor who specializes in baby penises. As soon as the Mohel arrives in the home (yes, Mary; near the Credenza) - he is watched carefully to check if his hands shake or if he tells too many "I work for Tips" jokes. But then it's too late, isn't it? You're committed to this Free Lance Surgeon & the Chopped Liver is starting "to turn"!
How do you find a good Mohel? By word of mouth - and only from a Male! What do women know about Penises? I mean actually carrying one around all the time; you know...living with one. To be fair; men probably don't know anything about Pocketbooks!
Talk about stress - what other doctor does his work on a Table between platters of Pastrami & Tongue hovered over by salivating relatives & friends? In fact, Judaism is the only religion I know where if you hear the word "Circumcision"; it's always followed by "Let's Party"!
When "the invited" finish arguing over who is the closer relative and who the baby looks like without the diaper - the Ceremony begins. First the Mohel gets the baby drunk by dipping Wine on a piece of Gauze & putting it in the baby's mouth - the Mother's Breast would be tacky - and was only done in Biblical Days - before Gauze.
Then, Mary - comes the bizarre occult-like part. The Mohel ties the baby to a board with his legs spread apart to hold him still. Are you still with me John? The Party-goers gather 'round to be Witnesses - but mainly to promise the kid - this event will never be brought up again!
Then he says a Prayer, announces the baby's Hebrew name & the new Mother turns & whispers proudly: "After Uncle Morty". The nonplused group behind her react with, "I never liked him." & "He's dead"?
The men in attendance hold their breath & their crotch for the 30 seconds it takes to cut the foreskin - while the women pray he washed his hands and there are enough Knishes!
At this point, the Mohel instructs the new parents not to make eye contact with the baby , or the Child, as soon as he's Legal - will Sue! Or what's even worse; will look for his Inner Child until he's 40 - at your House!
As the Mohel makes his first movement toward the baby's genitals; the new father swoons, and the new mother goes around the room with her hands to her ears murmuring "La la la la" - drowning out the cries from the frightened infant.
We actually don't invite non-Jews because we don't want them to see us like that! Don't get me wrong, we do invite them; but no one comes because everyone replies: "You do what"?
Why don't non-Jews have a Party? This is one of the 4 Questions asked by the youngest child at Passover. The 3 other questions are: "When do we eat"? "Why is the Matzoh so dry"? and "What do they do with all the Foreskin"? I don't know either - but have you ever eaten "Calamari"?
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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