- HAM SANDWICH
- "STEAK & SHAKE"
- CLOVEN HOOFS
- SHELLFISH
- MATZOH
- And BEETS
Those are What I didn't eat on Yom Kippur!
Because this is the most serious Holiday of all; I want to repent for this article - next Yom Kippur! This year...I'm good! No coffee, no cigarettes - can't even shave my leg! That's right; the other one knew what day it was & ran off!
It's a whole day of Confession without saying anything out loud...we don't want to drown out our Stomachs that are doing the talking! And mine said, "Change Religions"!
A HAM SANDWICH - Truth be told; some of us eat this regularly & without any guilt. But "Pulled Pork" gives us "The Willies"! And "The Willies" is one reason we have our 1 Big Day of Confession. And, if we "Pulled Pork" with a person that wasn't our wife or husband; we have to "Pull an All-Nighter" at the Synagogue.
"STEAK & SHAKE" - Even if we're not religious - mixing Meat & Milk normally isn't approved on The Good Jew Report, so we try not to be blatant about it; opting for a juicy Cheeseburger instead! "Hypocrite! Sinner! Whore!"......and that's just my Mother!
CLOVEN HOOFS - In biblical days we were told not to eat any animal that Chews it's Cud or has Cloven Hooves like pigs, sheep, deer, moose or goats. But I found a way to bypass that law - because the way I cook... everything tastes like Chicken! Well, except Chicken....that tastes like Fish!
SHELLFISH - We should only eat Fish with Fins & Scales! Yeah, I love going to my Fish Monger & point: "No, no, no, yes, no, no, no - yes, the one with the crossed eyes!
MATZOH - I was kidding about not eating it - it's the wrong Holiday; it's really Chanukah! Hey, I am not confusing anyone more than they already are! Most non-Jews think we eat Matzoh every day - ha! If that were true; my Plumber would be writing me from his Condo in Cabo!
And BEETS - I wouldn't have eaten them anyway!
There are a few new modern touches to the Holiday now - like going to the DMV to get "An Excused From Fasting Permit". I went this year because I said I was pregnant. He felt my stomach & said, "No, you're just fat"! Hey, I gave it a shot.
So I didn't get "A Pass" & had to be on The Honor System today. Stop laughing! If you must know; at 4:30 PM I had to go to McDonald's & had "A Water & Lemon"! Okay, with fries. And pickles. Okay, the pickles were on a piece of Meat. In a bun. Are you happy? Give me a break; I thought I was pregnant!
"If we can laugh at our own religions - or maybe the lack of one....respect for all will follow"! MS
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
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Rob St. Amant
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