YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands
Location
los angeles, California,
Birthday
July 03
Bio
Marilyn Sands is a Former 80's Stand-up Comic, her Essays can be found on salon.com & her unsold Screenplays in her Top Drawer...next to the hard liquor! "Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha All my Articles are Copyrighted & yes, I'll know!

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OCTOBER 19, 2010 3:37PM

LOVE ME, LOVE MY PUSSY!....Dating but with Pets

Rate: 0 Flag

     So you're Allergic & that's the Dealbreaker? 

What is it - the Sneezing, Wheezing or the Itching? 

Look, Princess is hardly ever home - she's an Alley Cat with Privileges! 

She has her own Dating Issues! 

Like yesterday - comes in at 3 AM, smelling like "Wet Fur" & "Whisker Wax" humming "Memory" from "CATS"!  

How many Litters can I hide in the Basement?

     How come you never hear from "The Father" of the Kittens?

  I'm not holding my breath - so I found a Loophole in my 1040.

  What's good for the Octomom is good enough for me! 

That's right - I'm letting the IRS pay - and they get "Pick of the Litter"!  

With her libido - I'm good till year 2042!

Okay, she shouldn't be out so late asking for it - must be the Catnip behind her ears or those Skinny Jeans!

     I guess I'm out of the Loop - I just found out:  A Female Cat can have sex with more than one male with the result that different kittens in a litter may have different fathers! 

Damn - this was the evidence I could've used to settle my 1st Husband's Case!

     And when it comes to Territory Marking - Cats are really more like Men than we think - case in point:

 "Missing the Toilet"!   

And they say that Cats learn by "Trial & Error".

You could've fooled me - what do you call running into the Bathroom Door 10 Times - Einstein?

     And they can retain information from long ago - just like a woman having a fight with a man! 

And what kind of information does a Cat need to remember - "What's her Password to get into the Garbage Can"?

    Just for fun - I put a Mini-Cam in the house to see what she does when I'm not home - and she has it going on!

Remember "The Lambada"?  

She knows she's not a Calico, a Persian or Siamese - but she has Costumes!

    I hate to brag but she's damn good - she does "Garfield doing "Pacino"!

     And she hangs SIGNS for me on her Litter Box that says: 

"YOU MISSED ONE"! 

"YES, I HAD A CHIMICHONGA"! 

"DON'T LIKE THIS JOB - YOU WANT TO TRADE PLACES"?

& "I'LL CALL PROTECTIVE SERVICES IF YOU PUT ME IN THAT SACK AGAIN"!

     Yes, it's hard dating with a Pet - either the Pet doesn't like the Guy or the Guy doesn't like your Mother...but enough about me!

     What is it with these Men on these Dating Sites?

  I got all these Pluses & 1 Minus - and he throws me under the Bus!

  I guess he's got the Perfect Dog - poops into a Plastic Bag!

     I really can't fault someone with an Allergy.

Me - I'm "Angoraphobic" - you know; that's when you panic when you realize you're wearing your heaviest sweater on the Hottest Day of the Year!

     Oh, my Provocative Title?  Princess insisted!

Everyone knows we live with them! 

 She wants me to tell you - next month she has a Centerfold in "SUPINE FELINE" Magazine - and because of her age - wants a leg up!!

                                                                       *** 

P.S.  In case there's some Single Guy out there interested... "The Writer" doesn't really have a Cat or a Dog!        

 

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