Episode #1
I felt I was ready for the On-Line Dating Game; and then I thought again. Nobody told me I'd be in no-man's land; and I don't mean The Popcorn Line for "Sex in the City"!
Yes, it's a jungle out there; and frankly, there are too many "Janes"! "Busty Jane", "Trust Fund Jane", "Dr. Jane", "Statutory Jane", "Legs-up-to-here-Jane", "Drink-you-under-the-table-Jane" & my nemesis: "Funny Jane"!
But I found that once you stop mocking this modern process and join; you'll find there are just 4 different types of men who frequent these sites: Widowers, Divorcee's, Singles & Married Guys who say they are widowers, divorcee's & single!
They say to have success in this young man's game; you have to tone down the old age jokes - and besides; men want to be the funny one. I found that out after I described my Bust size as "32 Long", and that I can remember "The La Brea Tar Pits" before it had a Gift Shop!
But right out of the gate, I saw that I can't compete with the cuties guys our age go after - one guy actually listed his "Resting Heart Rate" & "Blood Pressure" numbers!
Another guy said he was looking for someone 49 to 61; as if at 62 - you would combust!
One even went so far as mentioning his "Tantric" abilities twice in his Profile. Are you kidding; of course I called - I could pass for 40 if we wait for a Fog & I wear a Burka; and besides - I like anything to do with going Bowling!
Another guy says he has "Viagra" - like that's supposed to get me all flustered! But now looking at the big picture, and the fact that he drives at night; in my circle - he's a hottie!
Did you see "The Viagra Monologues" on "Fairfax"? No, not at a theater; on a bench in front of "Cantor's"!
It's true; I overheard one old guy ask the other, "Should you tell your partner you're using; or just happy to see her"?
In "Jackie Mason style" the guy replied, "I don't need it, don't want it, don't use it, don't buy it....but yes; I have friends who actually missed the "Early Bird" dinner because of it"!
I guess there's something to be said about the new demographic "Cougars" - I say that because I never say never - and the fact I need someone to hang a mirror!
So I say "Chins up girls, and don't despair; you know how anal men can be - this "Discard & Delete Generation" will go for the perky breasts every time - but then won't know what to do with them!
Call me "old, old school", but I have a gut feeling about needing all the fancy bells & whistles; you know "The Chemistry Tests" & "Matching Profiles" - when all we have to do is remember the simpler times, when the Caveman said it best - "Come here"!
Check back for Episode #2
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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