I've got to tell you right up front - I married an Oxymoron! Oh, my husband doesn't mind me saying it; as long as I spell it right! You see, he was an English Major in college and won't let me forget it. He also never lets me forget the time he was so embarrassed when we were sitting in a French Cafe and I called out, "Jargon, Jargon"!
He's so cocky; he speaks in the 3rd and 4th person! So to get him back; I speak in Tongues! To further exasperate him; I throw out some Malapropisms - like "We are all cremated equal", and "Explain it to me in words of one cylinder"!
I tell you; he's fixated on words. He says in his next life; he wants to date "The Spell Checker" gal in our computer. I told him, "It may be sooner than you think - and I hope you have kids who speak only Pig Latin"!
Believe me, instead of having him hooked on phonics; I'd prefer him hooked on any one of the more sinful addictions. He drives me bananas because he doesn't just talk - he interfaces. And he doesn't think - he ruminates. And worst of all; he doesn't have sex - he spawns!
I guess I should have suspected something when we first went together; he critiqued my Love Letters! Even now when we have sex, if I yell out something; it has to be grammatically correct!
Talk about verbal abuse. Basically, he treats me like an idiom. Ad nauseum. He says I always add nauseum; especially with my cooking!
Primarily, what sticks in his craw are grammar, punctuation and spelling errors which; in his mind, equate to stupid people. I told him that a noted Scholar said, "There is no direct relationship between the ability to spell and intelligence". But that didn't convince Mr. WordPerfect. I still don't know why he won't let me spell "vacuum" with three u's! I tell him, "Anyone who reads it will know what I mean".
And the word "misspelled" - if I leave an "s" out; what's the big deal? Yesterday he lectured, "Remember those tricky words like "believe", "grieve" and "conceive"...it's always "I before E, except after C". I said, "What's this Code crap"? "If I wanted to work for the FBI; I would've turned you in years ago"!
I should have known we wouldn't be a good match. All hell broke loose when he found out I was anti-semantic! But then it was too late; it was after he prepositioned me! It gets worse!
I soon discovered he's a bit selfish; he couldn't care less if I ever had multiple entendres. You'll have to excuse me; my semi-colon is acting up; I may have to take an enigma! I'm glad I got that out of my system!
Last week he was furious with me over a simple thing. I asked, "Do we have to have a "double negative" to get reprints at the Photo Shop"? He said, "You half-wit; a "double negative" is when someone says, "He didn't say nothing". I replied, "You blockhead; you mean he should have said, "He didn't say anything"? Then we made love!
Well last night; just when I thought it was safe to say to myself, "It's the end of a perfect non-blue-pencil-day" - the Linguistic Police climbed into bed, nuzzled my neck and whispered in my ear, "This article needs work"! So I whispered in his ear, "I have a new oxymoron for you, "1st Husband"!
** 20 years ago - my husband loved this article & has passed away.
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Comments
not "Jargon, Jargon"