"R O A D S Scholar Series #2
Since moving to L.A., I couldn't help but notice the "Motorists Gone Wild" vibe to this city!
Something like "The-end-of-the-world-is-near-syndrome" - "Armageddon"...
..or where after hearing of a Predicted 6.0 - everyone runs to the Ocean's Edge, gets naked, and has sex for the first or last time just in case it's "The Big One"!
The next day, when it's "A No-Show"; everyone just doesn't make eye contact! You say, that wouldn't happen here? The 405 @ 4:05 - case closed!
Don't laugh, but when I'm stuck in traffic; sometimes I daydream that I'm "THE LONE road RAGER"!
I could do it.
Take away The Black Hat, The Shiny Bullets & The Hollywood Dental Veneers - and you get someone like a "Mystery Shopper on Wheels", who critiques Drivers errant behavior from afar - without any Digits or Gun Play involved - you know; one step down from "A Meter Maid"!
My Pet Peeve in a car is - Dogs on Driver's Laps! I've seen Sheep Dogs licking their owners faces at the same time their tails were changing CD's!
Sometimes they're so big; I don't know if they're The Family Pet or their Personal Assistant!
I'm not talking about everyday distractions like someone at the wheel dripping "Quarter Pounders", reading "War & Peace", flossing teeth, a guy doing his thing or a girl doing his thing!
Give us a break guys; Pick One - A Phone, A Cone or "Simone"!
But yesterday; a more uncouth distraction got my attention.
I observed a woman sitting behind the wheel plucking her Chin Hairs with a Tweezers in moving traffic!
Maybe I'm just jealous - it takes me 3 hours to thread a needle - and I'm Seat Belted to my sofa!
Just because you have a Death Wish; don't involve me! Guys, if you had a fight with your girl friend last night, and didn't get a kiss this morning - why am I on a Gurney! Take your hand off your Blackberry and focus!
And while I'm still percolating - don't Salt your Celery while making illegal U-Turns; wait until after you get the Ticket!
I hear the LAPD is so blase about accidents caused by Coffee; they call it in as: "STARBUCKS CLEANUP ON LANE 3" - and give a slap on the wrist.
I hope they're saving it up for big crimes like "No Lap Dancing before 5 PM"!
I figure there's only 3 things you can do to laugh-off your Road Rage: Imagine Trump giving his Inaugural Address & you won't need the other two!
Check out more of the "R O A D S Scholar" Series:
#1 "Bear Left is not a Direction - it's a Warning"
#3 "Laugh Lines @ the DMV"
#4 "Me, my Mechanic & I"
® All Rights Reserved 2011 Marilyn Sands
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
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Rob St. Amant
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