"R O A D S Scholar" Series #1
Who said men don't ask for directions? Not only do they ask, but when they have car trouble; they even call A.A! C'mon, this isn't Rocket Science. Most men don't ask because deep down they're afraid to get the guy who makes it up as he goes along - you know; the "I want to screw you up" kinda guy!
Then of course, there's always the smart aleck who sidles up to your car window and answers, "From here"? But who wants to look like a chump? So what if the car eats up gas, the tires go bald and you go 30 miles out of the way - "I AM MAN, HEAR ME ROAR"!
When we finally get someone with a flicker of brain activity; the directions are so complicated, after the first four sentences; our eyes start to glaze over. For instance, "The Statue" they say to "keep an eye out for" - is NOT "A Statesman on a Horse with a Sword" - but "Bob, the Town Drunk", wrapped in Drapes, clutching a Curtain Rod!
And who hasn't run into one of these irritating "Landmark" direction givers:
"The Detail Freak" - "Continue a mile on this Dirt Road, then 1/4 mile on the Tarred Road, then 1/2 mile on the Asphalt Road. Hang a u-eee at the first light, go over 3 Speed Bumps, 4 Potholes & a Puddle. "The 6:42" ought to be coming through. Hear it? Now take The Fork in the road. Go down a piece - there's a Diner. They have Chocolate Doughnuts on Tuesdays & Fridays. What day is it? Oh, scratch that"!
"The Tatoo Tour" - "The next 2 miles is a frigin' Speed Trap, Man; not to mention "The Finger Fine"! Anyway, run 2 Red Lights, and on your left you'll pass the Pool Hall, the Pawn Shop, the Parole Office & the Bail Bondsman! Can I bum a cig? Hang a left at the Liquor Store & swing by the Topless Club! Pick up Protection: Sunblock, Vitamin C & Turtle Wax! Who says Ex-Cons don't have a sense of humor! Stay in right lane and you'll run right into the Gun Shop, the Hospital and the Cemetery"!
And "The Franchise Name Dropper" - "Make a left at "Wendy's", a right at "Denny's. When you see "Burger King", you're halfway there. Make a sharp right at "McDonald's", and wave at that stupid Clown! If you're still confused; go straight till you smell Fried Chicken! No sorry; the "Roy Rogers" isn't there anymore - now it's a Bank!
By the way; don't believe "Popeye's" - they say they use "Olive Oyl"! I know, I know!
But remember, when lost there are two "Givens": if someone tells you "You're gonna pass 6 Traffic Lights" - after the 5th one... you'll lose count!
And, if you have bugs in your teeth & don't own a Harley; chances are... you lost your Windshield!
Check out the next "R O A D S Scholar" Series
#2 "Armageddon & other Pet Peeves on the Road"
#3 "DMV Driving Tests: A No-Brainer"
#4 "Me, My Mechanic & I"
® All Rights Reserved 2011 Marilyn Sands
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
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