Former Governor Arnold's doctor, Dr. O. Whatafinemess, immediately prescribed a few things for his Muscle-Divorce-Bound Patient:
"Arnold, remember the tried & true aphrodisiacs of yore - Oysters, Eels, Ginseng, Vitamin E, Reindeer Horn, Elephant Trunk and Monkey-Sheen Blood?
Well, forget all that; today we're looking for, you know; drier ways to take a cold shower. Anti-bodies - so to speak.
Well son, here's some Emergency Measures that just might help you get thru the night":
EAT A RICE CAKE
PUT CATNIP IN YOUR CATSUP
STUFF A PINATA
CALL FOR A ROOT CANAL APPOINTMENT
PLAY CROQUET (a game of Croquet never ever lead to sex)
LET OUT ONE OF YOUR MUSCLES
THINK OF PLACES TO HIDE FROM THE KENNEDY LYNCH MOB
READ JOHN BOBBITT'S BOOK AGAIN
WATCH YOUR WEDDING VIDEO BACKWARDS
It's never to late to contribute to: "THE BUY PEE WEE HERMAN A VCR FUND"
And JUST TRY TO GET ON "OPEN SALON" DURING A SEX SCANDAL BLITZ!
* "Personally, I guess I'm lucky - I don't have to resort to any of these things. I just lost the Combination to my Chastity Belt"!
Marilyn Sands
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
Sadly, there is no pop-up version of the Bobbitt book.