"IF ONLY....ERIC CANTOR would "Pull a Weiner"!

YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Location: marina del rey, California, usa
Birthday: July 03

Bio: Former Stand-up Comic, Comic Booker, Gag Writer. Currently marketing Madcap Comedy Screenplays & selling jokes out of the trunk of my car......"Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha

MY RECENT POSTS

"THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY"? Dancing With The Stars...
May 25, 2012 02:08PM
"POT SPILL"...Fish Flounder just for The Halibut!
May 22, 2012 02:23PM
"VIBRATORS" - You Don't Have To Cook Them Breakfast!
May 18, 2012 11:37AM
"OUR 1ST GAY PRESIDENT" Stole My 1980's Jokes! **
May 17, 2012 03:16PM
BULLY BOYS..."S'NOT What You Think"! (Open Call)
May 17, 2012 11:02AM

MY RECENT COMMENTS

“Images never to be forgotten - loving tribute Ande! R”
May 28, 2012 01:24PM
“Thanks so much Fay! But I have to warn you - Watching it faithfully is truly a…”
May 28, 2012 11:44AM
“I always hoped there'd be a movie like "Good Hair" & so there was.…”
May 27, 2012 11:01PM
“A well-executed Vent! R”
May 27, 2012 07:30PM
“Great Jerry! You are definitely a wolf in sheepith clothing! Come all ye faithfu…”
May 27, 2012 01:15PM

Marilyn Sands's Links

THE ELUSIVE EP: "OS CHARWOMAN BUSTED"! EP Whistle Blower Also Cuffed!
IN A CLASS ALL IT'S OWN!: "GEORGE CARLIN'S DAUGHTER KELLY...Hot *STUFF"!
RICK SANTORUM: "TOP 10 REASONS WHY SANTORUM SAYS HE DOESN'T USE CONDOMS"!; "TEACHING SANTORUM HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM"
MITT ROMNEY: ZANY? "MITT'S Fighting WORDPLAY"!; "WHEN THE Latter-Day SAINTS GO MARCHIN' IN"
JOHN BOEHNER: "STATE OF THE ONION" ..No Tears For BOEHNER!; OBAMA HITS HIS FUNNY BOEHNER" Libs Demand Xrays!
NEWT GINGRICH: "NEWT'S Political PAJAMA GAME"! Scripted; "CRAZY" Newt's Campaign Sing-a-Long!; "Don't you HAVE TO BE CRAZY To Run For President"?; "What Are Americans To Do"? VOTE or BOOK 2 SEATS TO THE MOON?; "STOPPING NEWT FROM CARRYING ON"! Too much BAGGAGE?; Gingrich Productions Presents "THE OTHER, OTHER WOMAN"; "YOU GOT TO PICK-A-POCKET OR TWO" The Fagin/Newt Connection
RICK PERRY: "THE BOIL ON RICK PERRY'S BUTT"!; "Gunslinger PERRY DRAWS A BLANK"!; "PILLOW TALK @ THE PERRY'S" After-Debate Foreplay
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN': "BABE IN THE Hollywood WOODS"!; "STARSTRUCK @ STARBUCKS"!; "BUTT ENVY"..Smokers Pack It In!; "JURY RIGGED"! L.A. Jury Duty..Peer 1; "L.A. LAUGH LINES @ THE DMV"!; "ARMAGEDDON & Other PET PEEVES On The Road"!
"VENTS R US": "EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET IN TO DE ACT"! Repost; "WHY I'M QUITTING HOTELS WITH "TURN DOWN" SERVICE!; "TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED SINCE WRITING ON OPEN SALON"!; "WHILE WAITING TO GET ON OPEN SALON - I WROTE..."; "FLIGHT RAGE..Having a bad AIR day"!; "LIVING ON A SHOESTRING...without tying one on"!
I LOVE THE MOVIES!: "RACING WITH THE MOON" Hot Topic...Back Alley Abortions!; "THE ARTIST" Draws Pathos! 2012 OSCAR WINNER!; "FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE" #5 WOODY ALLEN'S 1972 Sex Romp; "MONEYBALL'S" Stephen Bishop "A NATURAL"!; Favorite Scene In A Movie" #4 Neil Simon's "BILOXI BLUES"!; Favorite Scene In a Movie # 3 "HONEYMOON IN VEGAS"; FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE #2 "Paper Moon"!; FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE #1 "Terms of Endearment"; "SOYLENT GREEN" Eating Aunt Louise!; "CELL Phone CHECK" Silent Movies!; "ZELIG" meets "WHERE'S WALDO" Woody's Latest!; RICKY GERVAIS - "CRRRINGE HUMOR"!; "MATINEE$" Afternoon Delights!; "DATE MOVIES ARE THE PITS"!
PERSONAL FAVS: "STARSTRUCK @ STARBUCKS"!; "WHY I'M FIGHTING FOR OBAMA'S REDEMPTION"!; "In The NICK Of Time "SANTA WEARS HOLIDAY BLUES"! Scripted (O.C.); "CHILEAN MINER MAJOR HIT"! Down & Out in N.Y.C.!; "THE HIPPY DIPPY WEATHERMAN Returns with IRENE"!; "WEINER'S DREAM" Stand-up Comedy..Down Mexico Way!; "PINOCCHIO & WEINER...The Nose Knows"! Scripted; INAGURATION DAY QUIPS.."OBAMA'S 4 Year SPRINT"!; "CASABLANCA" on Pennsylvania Avenue...Scripted!; "SEASON OF DISSENT"...SaTIRED!; "CANADIAN BAKIN'...It doesn't sizzle, it THAWS"!; "RATS"...THE MUSICAL On Broadway!; "BEAR LEFT" Is Not A DIRECTION" It's A WARNING!; "CHEMISTRY 101...lol Adam & Eve!; "MIDSUMMER KNIGHT'S DREAM" WILL & KATE'S 4Play!; "GET READY FOR THE AUGUST 2ND $$MAGEDDON"!
VISUAL CANDY: "UNDER THE WIRE" New Year's "HAPPY" List!; "HEIR TO THE WHITE HOUSE" Crowning Glory Daze; "My Critics Were Right: A MONKEY COULD WRITE THIS CRAP"!; "D.C. EARTHQUAKE" Obama's FAULT Again!; "MATCH THE TEA With THE TEA BAGGER"!; HELP WANTED: SKY WRITER "MUST LOVEsmallWORDS"!; "CASEY ANTHONY IS PREGNANT"!; "IF ONLY...LADY GAGA would show less of her GEEGAW"!; "IF ONLY...ERIC CANTOR would "Pull a Weiner"!
BATHROOM READING: "THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA" T'was GAS!; "SALMONELLA 101" It's Funny NOW!; "MOMISMS" & Teenage Angst!; "OPEN SALON'S Only Techie Found on "LOST"!; "BETTER THAN SEX"!; "T.W.I.T.T.E.R. POP CULTURE CODES"!; "BO OBAMA TURNS 2"; "DATING DOGGIE STYLE"; "BRIDE BLOWS OFF HEF - NO HARD FEELINGS"!; "How Many Friends Does A LACTOSE INTOLERANT REALLY Have"?
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY: "BIRTHIN' BABIES"! Pre-Existing Condition? (Open Call); "CARRIE/EDDIE Fisher & ME"! 6 Degrees of Separation!; "I SOLD CIGARETTES @ 14"! Little Match Girl!; "TAKE MY ACT...PLEASE"! Salon after Dark!; "HOW I GOT A JOB IN THE GOVERNMENT" Terror on the High Keys!; "ONE NIGHT WITH MARILYN"!; "THE SITUATION ROOM with Marilyn Sands"!; "DUE DATE DRAMA" Birthin' Babies!; "DIAHANN CARROLL - A Regal White Vision"!; "THE LADY IS A TRAMP" In Deutschland; "RITA HAYWORTH & ME"! The Heat Is On"!; "EXTRAS, EXTRAS" Read All About It!; "Taking it on the Chin - SUGAR RAY LEONARD vs ME"!; "I MARRIED AN OXYMORON"!; "Diary of a POKER WIDOW"; "HIGH ANXIETY" Flying over a lifetime of Gargles!; "BOOKS DON'T NEED A WARRANTY"! Fighting the Digital Age; "IF CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS - I'm Screwed"!
Shh...WELCOME TO MY WORLD: "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP" On-Line Straight Lines! #4; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP" On-Line Straight Lines! #3; "LOVE ME, LOVE MY PUSSY"!; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP"! On-Line Straight Lines! #1; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP"! On-Line Straight Lines! #2; love@60.lol #1; love@60.lol Date-abase Shuffle; "CUPID with 19-19 VISION"!; "SOUL MATES"...Ad Nauseam!; "HOT DAMN - NOW I CAN MARRY A WOMAN"!; "THE SKY IS FALLING & SO AM I...For Larry David"!
Recommended by ZAGAT: "PETITS four CRIMES" Getting My Just Deserts! Open Call; "LOOKING FOR MR. GOODMENSCH"!; "HOW MUCH FOR 1 CUCUMBER"? Foraging For Innuendos @ the A&P!; "VELVEETA" - A Love Story!; "Kosher PICKLE & Non-denominational OLIVE"!; "WURST You were Here"!; MY STOMACH IS SAYING: "Change Religions"!; "COFFEE BAGGERS" BUZZ To-Go!
POLITICS AS USUAL: "THE CARTAGENA FOLLIES" White House Pillow Talk!; "Devil's Advocate in THE ALOHA STATE of Confusion"!; "IF YOU KNEW BIBI, LIKE I KNOW BIBI" Republicans Fighting For Israel"!; "WE MIGHT AS WELL THROW DARTS" How We Pick Our President!; "Bedroom ChiCAINery"! SEX, LIES & PIES!; "Auntie Em: O'REILLY HAS A HEART"!; "BUSH'S MEMOIR...or "Mission Sketchy"!; "MR. STEWART GOES TO WASHINGTON!; "AIR FORCE 1 TO CHICAGO...1 Way"!; "KAGAN'S KOMEDY"!
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX: Heartfelt Tribute: DICK CLARK JOKES From My 1980's Act!; "DESIGNER POLITICS" An Apolitical Fantasy!; "YOUR JOB ON THE LAUGHTER SCALE"! From Plumber to Proctologist; "SISTERS UNDER THE SKIN" The Gabors & Kardasians!; "OH CLOONEY...WE HARDLY KNEW YE"!; "KIM HUSTLE'S THE BUSTLE"!; "THE OTHER WOMAN was TWEETY BIRD"! Ashton & Demi Split; "THE BIG 100"...and you thought it was hard turning 40!; "The SPELL CHECK Gal & The GPS Guy"...Match made in Cyb%rspase!; "ONE IN A MILLENNIUM"! Y2K Revisited!; "Back To The Future...1999 THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY"!; "You CAN Take It With You"..Thinking inside the Box!; "TIGER'S MYSTERY WOMAN #36"!; "DICK, ANDY...Again, Misunderstood"!
NON-PARTISAN Politics Ha ha: "MARILYN O'SANDS GOES GREEN" Trippin' With Obama! Repost; "SOPHMORIC RHETORIC SPIN ON OBAMA"; "LIBERALS LAUGH LAST"..Obama @ OPEN MIKE!; OBAMA'S ROOMIES: "TIME SHARES @ THE WHITE HOUSE"!; "RED, WHITE & Light BLUISH" Fading Jobs!; "FUNNY BUSINE$$" Obama TIES One On!; "OBAMA'S 4 Year Term in BOWLING LINGO"!; "PILLOW TALK" Debt Ceiling Climax - Scripted; "OBAMAMAN" WILL SAVE THE DAY!; "What the House OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE Found on OBAMA"!; "WHO ORDERED THE KOSHER MEAL" Barack & Ben's Swap Meet!; "OBAMA WAS ONE OF THE NAVY SEALS"!!; "PRESIDENT OBAMA IS CHEERED"..TRUMP Sucks His Binky!; "BLACK TIE, WHITE SOCKS"..Dinner with Obama!; "OBAMA & FOX TV" O'REALLY?
SARAH PALIN: "PALIN Comes Clean at the Sit & Spin LAUNDRETTE"!; "Palin PLANS...and GOD LAUGHS"! REAGAN Recycled; "PALIN to make a GRAND ENTRANCE"...Counting on the MOOSE VOTE!
MICHELE BACHMANN: "THAT'S SO GAY"...You Have To Be Carefully Taught!; "CAT FIGHT"! The Michele & Sarah Scratch-Off!; "TOO PRETTY FOR PRESIDENT"..Bachmann's Mirror Image!; "COUNTRY FRIED BLOG"..The Clogged Arteries Tour!; "BACH MANNia"!; "WATERLOO, IOWA Bachmann's ABBA Moment"!
ARNOLD SCHWARTZNEGGER: "WHO YOU GONNA CALL... "Sexbusters"?; "GOOD HOUSEKEEPING"..Governor's Seal Of Approval!; "Rx: Antidotes for Aphrodesiacs"!
ANTHONY WEINER: "WEINER'S DREAM"..Stand-Up Comedy DOWN MEXICO WAY!; "PINOCCHIO & WEINER..The Nose Knows"!; "WEINER'S WEENIE A WINNER"...Say That 3 Times!; "140 CHARACTERS & A PENIS".. The Musical!; "WHERE THERE'S SMOKE THERE'S WEINERS"!; "BODY LANGUAGE...Weiner's Podium Tells"!
CHARLIE SHEEN: "ONE & 1/2 MEN"!; "FOOLS, TROLLS & A.A. Holes"!; "Sheen SHIRKS Shirts" Bowling For Bimbos!
No Comedy Zone: "THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM" Cleaning Up After Arnold!; "HIDDEN PASSAGEWAY" Horror Unearthed In America!; "WHAT STICKS IN YOUR CRAW"?; "SARAH'S KEY" Unlocks Tears of Yesterday; "DYING TO LIVE" My Mother's 100 year Battle For Life"!; NIXON'S WATERLOO - "MY AMERICAN SCANDAL"! OC; "SPACE SHUTTLE HEROES & My Audition"!; "9/11 SOUND BUT NO PICTURES"!; "READING BETWEEN THE LINES" The Evolution of Books!; "ELIZABETH TAYLOR Slept Here" Part 1; "ELIZABETH TAYLOR Slept Here" Part 2
WHAT WAS I THINKING?: "BILL MAHER & HIS WHITE SHEEP BROTHER BOB"!; CHUMLEE "Sexiest Man Alive" PAWN STAR HAS BALLS; "TWINS BORN 5 YEARS APART"!; "LUXURY One LINERS" on the Kvetch Ketch!; "CIRCUMCISION..Tips From A Mohel"!; "PREMATURE EVACUATION" EXIT SEAT Employment!; "BORAT Does THE INTERNET"!

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JULY 11, 2011 5:58PM

Rate: 2 Flag

Well, he's describing something - that's a good start!

"IF ONLY"... is about people we know who would change History if they could!

IF ONLY...Monica Lewinsky had bad knees!

IF ONLY...Clinton smoked a Pipe!

IF ONLY...Hillary had a Hammer!

IF ONLY...Palin would quit while she's behind!

IF ONLY...Anne Boleyn had said, "Wait; one more thing"!

IF ONLY...Mozart went for his 1st Love - Drums!

IF ONLY...Joan of Arc had Marshmallows! Too Soon?

IF ONLY...Walt Disney didn't get Car Sick!

IF ONLY...Alexander The Great's wife had a say!

IF ONLY...Kim Kardasian didn't have it xrayed & checked for loose change!

kim

IF ONLY...Bush had used Photoshop!

missionacc

IF ONLY...Einstein used "Product"!

einstein

IF ONLY...Ghandi tried the Rosè!

redwine

IF ONLY...Lincoln saw a Dermatologist!

abraham-lincoln-240x300

IF ONLY...Alfred Hitchcock didn't sleep with a Nite-Lite!

hitchcock

IF ONLY...Napoleon didn't have indigestion!

napoleon-182x300

And IF ONLY...Gilbert Gottfried wasn't Lactose Intolerant!

gottfried

Check out "IF ONLY...#2"! "IF ONLY...Lady GAGA would show less of her GEEGAW"! Find it at your nearest Blog Stand!

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Comments

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LOL about Einstein!

Patrick Frank

July 11, 2011 08:48 PM

Thanks so much Patrick. Sometimes my hair looks like that too!

Marilyn Sands

July 11, 2011 09:38 PM

YOWKS, Marilyn -- how did you ever find me??!! [I just now found a "pm" message from you.]

WELCOME TO OS (you said you're new and, well, I'm OLD!!)

Great stuff here; looking forward to "hearing" (seeing) more of/from you! ;-)

podunkmarte