I just don't get it! Strangers get to come in my Room - rifle thru my Panty Drawer, pull my Top Sheet over & put Chocolates on my Pillow! Even "The Tooth Fairy" doesn't go that far!
Of course, that only happens if you stay more than one night. If they do it before you Check-In; they miss the Panty Drawer!
One time I had to go down to the Front Desk - looked the Clerk in the eye & said, "Please no "Turn Down Service"! I have unbridled sex & don't want to be interrupted - because at my age; I forget where I left off"!
The reason I didn't call from my room is because whatever you tell them to do on the phone - they never listen; whether it's "A Wake-up Call", Ashtrays in your non-smoking Room or ask for "Crispy" Bacon with your Grits! And don't order Grits in New York - they send a Waiter dressed in Confederate Grey with Cream of Wheat!
As for the Bacon; they were so flummoxed with the Grits; they forgot it all together. But I gotta say; Cream of Wheat makes a good Facial Scrub!
I'm also quitting Hotels that stealthily slip a Menu Order Form under your door for the next morning! How do I know what I want for Breakfast; I just had a Steak with Smothered Onions - have shooting pains & I'm about to call 911!
And that goes for Hotels with Bedspreads too! There's enough DNA on those suckers to indict O.J and Casey Anthony!
And do I have to bring my own Linens? I might as well pitch a Tent!
The last ones I slipped into had 2 Eye Holes & a Marinara Stain! I didn't know the KKK had offices in Little Italy!
And enough with these Hotel Kitchen Time Restraints on what I just missed.
Let me get this straight - if I don't call Room Service between 6 AM & 6:15 - it's too late & I can only get the Continental? What - the Chickens are on Strike at that hour?
Or The Buffet closes at 8 AM Tuesdays & Thursdays & at 8:17 on Mondays & Fridays - if the Cook doesn't have Yoga!
Oh, the Chocolate on the Pillow? That always reminds me of Comic's Comic Kevin Meaney; riffing about his life on the road in the 80's.
When he knocked on the door & chimed "Housekeeping"; I was smitten. But then; I waited for "the Kicker"in his inimiable plaintive voice:
"Those damn Chocolates...I woke up one morning with something Brown smeared all over me. I thought I had The Runs"!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
will read more of your fearlessness and funniness. ty!
marina del rey, awesome place to live! [r] libby
Love your way of writing...!!
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