If Baked Beans are your enemy - you can count your friends on one hand! We're talkin' close friends! It's really true - Distance makes the heart grow fonder!
How would I know? I have a friend of a friend. They've never met in person - they don't want to! Email is great; isn't it - covers a multitude of sins!
Research has told us that there isn't one person who ever lived who never had gas. Who needs "Research"? Try any Elevator on a Monday Morning!
That's right; if you're alive - you've farted. People even fart shortly after death. That's why we're afraid to bury them right away - we're not sure they're finished!
Even Movie Stars, the Queen, the Pope & yes; Presidents - well, except Obama! I don't know for sure but just in case; I'll go back & re-read some Republican's Blog & see if they mention it!
On Day 1, Scene1 - Adam & Eve got it right out of the way. They had to - they couldn't blame it on anyone else!
Studies show Women fart just as much as Men. But Men take more pride in it! Women sometimes save ours up for later - like asking for a Doggie Bag! Or during Sex. Again - not me; but I read!
"Lactose" is the "Mother" of all Gases. And yes; that includes the "F" word! It does hijinks in your belly - almost like having an Alien as a Buddy! Not as endearing as being Pregnant - but just as active! But at least; it doesn't ask for the keys to your car!
Men - you have no idea! But think about being Lactose and Pregnant - you're passing gas for 2!
I saw a Pregnant Woman pass gas & her stomach went down 6 inches - like letting out a balloon! I said "I saw" - not it happened to me! Can't a girl write a simple Blog without suspicion around here?
Sometimes, it's not what we eat; but the air we swallow when we Smoke, Chew gum or French Kiss! Haven't you read enough disclaimers?
"They" say, the Southern "Pine Beetle" uses her Farts to attract both Males & Females; as an Invitation to an Orgy! And I thought "Bring Your Own Bottle" was cheeky!
If I were to give advice to Singles looking for a Mate; I would say, "Marry someone who also is Lactose Intolerant". If you're already married; it's too late - isn't it? Either you laugh about it or spray the other with Mace! Look; if my Dog can understand a deterrant - a stinkin' mortal can too!
I would go as far as saying - "Sometimes a Fart is like a Rant"! As we get older; it's another way of expressing ourselves. Anyone remember when Comic/Pianist Victor Borge did a classic bit on "English Punctuation" in Musical Terms?
Well, "Farting" is also an Art Form! You just let one didn't you? I take that as "A Like"! Like sending a Greeting Card: "A Happy Fart", "A Sympathy Fart" - I'm sure there's even a "Now-are-you-happy-Morman-in-Office-Fart" in there too!
"The Best Position for Farting"? Look, from what I've read here - this crowd seems to not need any further instruction - so I'm done!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
Think about them tiny, tiny critters we call yeast. Mostly they’re quiescent, but let them get to munching on any kind of sugar and look out!
We actually make use of those “tushie tornados” of theirs. Bread, beer, champagne.......
Bet ya never thought of that while delicately sipping your Dom Pérignon ’29 did you?
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