India, Australia, Dubai & Canada - are just a few countries that have tried to pass a "No Smoking in Cars" Law because it's a distraction!
Don't worry; it'll never play in L.A.!
If we can hide our booze in a paper bag, get caught picking our nose with a straight face, or pretend we own the Leased Mazeratti - we can play "Where's The Winston"!
Don't tell me you never ate a Cigarette! Tastes like Chicken!
No? Then while the Officer gets out of the Patrol Car you can: Stuff it in your "Space Diaper", Pray to "The Marlboro Man" or Stick it in your Dog's mouth!
Too late? Don't say "I was gonna quit tomorrow" or "I was looking for the "NO SMOKING LANE" when you stopped me"!
Hey - you can always thrust a Cigar in the Officer's face & shout, "Here, I just had a Baby"! If he asks you its name; you say "Corona"!
"Smoke" on your breath? No problem. Tell the young Officer you just chewed some Nicorette Gum & they don't have the kinks out yet!
If he looks at you askance; tell him you just came from a Commercial Shoot & then go into an over-the-top Bette Davis Impersonation:
"Pee-ta, Pee-ta, Peeta"!
And take an imaginary drag...Puff, puff, puff
He'll be so startled by your scary performance & confused at -who-in-the-hell Bette Davis is - he'll wave you on!
"Smoke" in your car? Get hysterical - point to the Engine & scream "Got Perrier? My car's gonna blow up"!
Then when another Officer starts poking around in your Back Seat, say:
"Hey, you got a Search Warrant - that Carton's for my poor Aunt Emphysema in Fresno"!
If the Law does come to L.A. - please don't make an ash out of yourself! You may just get A Warning if you buckle up & promise to look better on your next Driver's License!
And we won't like the hi-tech way the cops plan to compute the fine here either. I hear they want to count the cigarettes missing from your Pack & multiply it by $50 bucks! They call it "The Rainman" Fine!
But don't despair; I just found the one place you can go to smoke - Malibu's first Nude Beach, "Dangling Chad Beach"! But I have to warn you - it's "Bring Your Own Matches"!
For some odd reason - nobody has a Light!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
Aren’t we getting sick and tired of having every little aspect of our personal lives open to “demands” by blue nose, interfering, busy bodies, who have apparently far outlived their proper span of life?
It’s time to begin saying, “Fuck off! It ain’t none of your damn business!!”
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Of course I may be biased a tad......
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Lezlie