"YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP" On-Line Straight Lines #3

YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Location: marina del rey, California, usa
Birthday: July 03

Bio: Former Stand-up Comic, Comic Booker, Gag Writer. Currently marketing Madcap Comedy Screenplays & selling jokes out of the trunk of my car......"Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha

MY RECENT POSTS

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"VIBRATORS" - You Don't Have To Cook Them Breakfast!
May 18, 2012 11:37AM
"OUR 1ST GAY PRESIDENT" Stole My 1980's Jokes! **
May 17, 2012 03:16PM
BULLY BOYS..."S'NOT What You Think"! (Open Call)
May 17, 2012 11:02AM

MY RECENT COMMENTS

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May 27, 2012 11:01PM
“A well-executed Vent! R”
May 27, 2012 07:30PM
“Great Jerry! You are definitely a wolf in sheepith clothing! Come all ye faithfu…”
May 27, 2012 01:15PM

Marilyn Sands's Links

THE ELUSIVE EP: "OS CHARWOMAN BUSTED"! EP Whistle Blower Also Cuffed!
IN A CLASS ALL IT'S OWN!: "GEORGE CARLIN'S DAUGHTER KELLY...Hot *STUFF"!
RICK SANTORUM: "TOP 10 REASONS WHY SANTORUM SAYS HE DOESN'T USE CONDOMS"!; "TEACHING SANTORUM HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM"
MITT ROMNEY: ZANY? "MITT'S Fighting WORDPLAY"!; "WHEN THE Latter-Day SAINTS GO MARCHIN' IN"
JOHN BOEHNER: "STATE OF THE ONION" ..No Tears For BOEHNER!; OBAMA HITS HIS FUNNY BOEHNER" Libs Demand Xrays!
NEWT GINGRICH: "NEWT'S Political PAJAMA GAME"! Scripted; "CRAZY" Newt's Campaign Sing-a-Long!; "Don't you HAVE TO BE CRAZY To Run For President"?; "What Are Americans To Do"? VOTE or BOOK 2 SEATS TO THE MOON?; "STOPPING NEWT FROM CARRYING ON"! Too much BAGGAGE?; Gingrich Productions Presents "THE OTHER, OTHER WOMAN"; "YOU GOT TO PICK-A-POCKET OR TWO" The Fagin/Newt Connection
RICK PERRY: "THE BOIL ON RICK PERRY'S BUTT"!; "Gunslinger PERRY DRAWS A BLANK"!; "PILLOW TALK @ THE PERRY'S" After-Debate Foreplay
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN': "BABE IN THE Hollywood WOODS"!; "STARSTRUCK @ STARBUCKS"!; "BUTT ENVY"..Smokers Pack It In!; "JURY RIGGED"! L.A. Jury Duty..Peer 1; "L.A. LAUGH LINES @ THE DMV"!; "ARMAGEDDON & Other PET PEEVES On The Road"!
"VENTS R US": "EVERYBODY WANTS TO GET IN TO DE ACT"! Repost; "WHY I'M QUITTING HOTELS WITH "TURN DOWN" SERVICE!; "TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED SINCE WRITING ON OPEN SALON"!; "WHILE WAITING TO GET ON OPEN SALON - I WROTE..."; "FLIGHT RAGE..Having a bad AIR day"!; "LIVING ON A SHOESTRING...without tying one on"!
I LOVE THE MOVIES!: "RACING WITH THE MOON" Hot Topic...Back Alley Abortions!; "THE ARTIST" Draws Pathos! 2012 OSCAR WINNER!; "FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE" #5 WOODY ALLEN'S 1972 Sex Romp; "MONEYBALL'S" Stephen Bishop "A NATURAL"!; Favorite Scene In A Movie" #4 Neil Simon's "BILOXI BLUES"!; Favorite Scene In a Movie # 3 "HONEYMOON IN VEGAS"; FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE #2 "Paper Moon"!; FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE #1 "Terms of Endearment"; "SOYLENT GREEN" Eating Aunt Louise!; "CELL Phone CHECK" Silent Movies!; "ZELIG" meets "WHERE'S WALDO" Woody's Latest!; RICKY GERVAIS - "CRRRINGE HUMOR"!; "MATINEE$" Afternoon Delights!; "DATE MOVIES ARE THE PITS"!
PERSONAL FAVS: "STARSTRUCK @ STARBUCKS"!; "WHY I'M FIGHTING FOR OBAMA'S REDEMPTION"!; "In The NICK Of Time "SANTA WEARS HOLIDAY BLUES"! Scripted (O.C.); "CHILEAN MINER MAJOR HIT"! Down & Out in N.Y.C.!; "THE HIPPY DIPPY WEATHERMAN Returns with IRENE"!; "WEINER'S DREAM" Stand-up Comedy..Down Mexico Way!; "PINOCCHIO & WEINER...The Nose Knows"! Scripted; INAGURATION DAY QUIPS.."OBAMA'S 4 Year SPRINT"!; "CASABLANCA" on Pennsylvania Avenue...Scripted!; "SEASON OF DISSENT"...SaTIRED!; "CANADIAN BAKIN'...It doesn't sizzle, it THAWS"!; "RATS"...THE MUSICAL On Broadway!; "BEAR LEFT" Is Not A DIRECTION" It's A WARNING!; "CHEMISTRY 101...lol Adam & Eve!; "MIDSUMMER KNIGHT'S DREAM" WILL & KATE'S 4Play!; "GET READY FOR THE AUGUST 2ND $$MAGEDDON"!
VISUAL CANDY: "UNDER THE WIRE" New Year's "HAPPY" List!; "HEIR TO THE WHITE HOUSE" Crowning Glory Daze; "My Critics Were Right: A MONKEY COULD WRITE THIS CRAP"!; "D.C. EARTHQUAKE" Obama's FAULT Again!; "MATCH THE TEA With THE TEA BAGGER"!; HELP WANTED: SKY WRITER "MUST LOVEsmallWORDS"!; "CASEY ANTHONY IS PREGNANT"!; "IF ONLY...LADY GAGA would show less of her GEEGAW"!; "IF ONLY...ERIC CANTOR would "Pull a Weiner"!
BATHROOM READING: "THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA" T'was GAS!; "SALMONELLA 101" It's Funny NOW!; "MOMISMS" & Teenage Angst!; "OPEN SALON'S Only Techie Found on "LOST"!; "BETTER THAN SEX"!; "T.W.I.T.T.E.R. POP CULTURE CODES"!; "BO OBAMA TURNS 2"; "DATING DOGGIE STYLE"; "BRIDE BLOWS OFF HEF - NO HARD FEELINGS"!; "How Many Friends Does A LACTOSE INTOLERANT REALLY Have"?
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY: "BIRTHIN' BABIES"! Pre-Existing Condition? (Open Call); "CARRIE/EDDIE Fisher & ME"! 6 Degrees of Separation!; "I SOLD CIGARETTES @ 14"! Little Match Girl!; "TAKE MY ACT...PLEASE"! Salon after Dark!; "HOW I GOT A JOB IN THE GOVERNMENT" Terror on the High Keys!; "ONE NIGHT WITH MARILYN"!; "THE SITUATION ROOM with Marilyn Sands"!; "DUE DATE DRAMA" Birthin' Babies!; "DIAHANN CARROLL - A Regal White Vision"!; "THE LADY IS A TRAMP" In Deutschland; "RITA HAYWORTH & ME"! The Heat Is On"!; "EXTRAS, EXTRAS" Read All About It!; "Taking it on the Chin - SUGAR RAY LEONARD vs ME"!; "I MARRIED AN OXYMORON"!; "Diary of a POKER WIDOW"; "HIGH ANXIETY" Flying over a lifetime of Gargles!; "BOOKS DON'T NEED A WARRANTY"! Fighting the Digital Age; "IF CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS - I'm Screwed"!
Shh...WELCOME TO MY WORLD: "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP" On-Line Straight Lines! #4; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP" On-Line Straight Lines! #3; "LOVE ME, LOVE MY PUSSY"!; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP"! On-Line Straight Lines! #1; "YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP"! On-Line Straight Lines! #2; love@60.lol #1; love@60.lol Date-abase Shuffle; "CUPID with 19-19 VISION"!; "SOUL MATES"...Ad Nauseam!; "HOT DAMN - NOW I CAN MARRY A WOMAN"!; "THE SKY IS FALLING & SO AM I...For Larry David"!
Recommended by ZAGAT: "PETITS four CRIMES" Getting My Just Deserts! Open Call; "LOOKING FOR MR. GOODMENSCH"!; "HOW MUCH FOR 1 CUCUMBER"? Foraging For Innuendos @ the A&P!; "VELVEETA" - A Love Story!; "Kosher PICKLE & Non-denominational OLIVE"!; "WURST You were Here"!; MY STOMACH IS SAYING: "Change Religions"!; "COFFEE BAGGERS" BUZZ To-Go!
POLITICS AS USUAL: "THE CARTAGENA FOLLIES" White House Pillow Talk!; "Devil's Advocate in THE ALOHA STATE of Confusion"!; "IF YOU KNEW BIBI, LIKE I KNOW BIBI" Republicans Fighting For Israel"!; "WE MIGHT AS WELL THROW DARTS" How We Pick Our President!; "Bedroom ChiCAINery"! SEX, LIES & PIES!; "Auntie Em: O'REILLY HAS A HEART"!; "BUSH'S MEMOIR...or "Mission Sketchy"!; "MR. STEWART GOES TO WASHINGTON!; "AIR FORCE 1 TO CHICAGO...1 Way"!; "KAGAN'S KOMEDY"!
THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX: Heartfelt Tribute: DICK CLARK JOKES From My 1980's Act!; "DESIGNER POLITICS" An Apolitical Fantasy!; "YOUR JOB ON THE LAUGHTER SCALE"! From Plumber to Proctologist; "SISTERS UNDER THE SKIN" The Gabors & Kardasians!; "OH CLOONEY...WE HARDLY KNEW YE"!; "KIM HUSTLE'S THE BUSTLE"!; "THE OTHER WOMAN was TWEETY BIRD"! Ashton & Demi Split; "THE BIG 100"...and you thought it was hard turning 40!; "The SPELL CHECK Gal & The GPS Guy"...Match made in Cyb%rspase!; "ONE IN A MILLENNIUM"! Y2K Revisited!; "Back To The Future...1999 THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY"!; "You CAN Take It With You"..Thinking inside the Box!; "TIGER'S MYSTERY WOMAN #36"!; "DICK, ANDY...Again, Misunderstood"!
NON-PARTISAN Politics Ha ha: "MARILYN O'SANDS GOES GREEN" Trippin' With Obama! Repost; "SOPHMORIC RHETORIC SPIN ON OBAMA"; "LIBERALS LAUGH LAST"..Obama @ OPEN MIKE!; OBAMA'S ROOMIES: "TIME SHARES @ THE WHITE HOUSE"!; "RED, WHITE & Light BLUISH" Fading Jobs!; "FUNNY BUSINE$$" Obama TIES One On!; "OBAMA'S 4 Year Term in BOWLING LINGO"!; "PILLOW TALK" Debt Ceiling Climax - Scripted; "OBAMAMAN" WILL SAVE THE DAY!; "What the House OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE Found on OBAMA"!; "WHO ORDERED THE KOSHER MEAL" Barack & Ben's Swap Meet!; "OBAMA WAS ONE OF THE NAVY SEALS"!!; "PRESIDENT OBAMA IS CHEERED"..TRUMP Sucks His Binky!; "BLACK TIE, WHITE SOCKS"..Dinner with Obama!; "OBAMA & FOX TV" O'REALLY?
SARAH PALIN: "PALIN Comes Clean at the Sit & Spin LAUNDRETTE"!; "Palin PLANS...and GOD LAUGHS"! REAGAN Recycled; "PALIN to make a GRAND ENTRANCE"...Counting on the MOOSE VOTE!
MICHELE BACHMANN: "THAT'S SO GAY"...You Have To Be Carefully Taught!; "CAT FIGHT"! The Michele & Sarah Scratch-Off!; "TOO PRETTY FOR PRESIDENT"..Bachmann's Mirror Image!; "COUNTRY FRIED BLOG"..The Clogged Arteries Tour!; "BACH MANNia"!; "WATERLOO, IOWA Bachmann's ABBA Moment"!
ARNOLD SCHWARTZNEGGER: "WHO YOU GONNA CALL... "Sexbusters"?; "GOOD HOUSEKEEPING"..Governor's Seal Of Approval!; "Rx: Antidotes for Aphrodesiacs"!
ANTHONY WEINER: "WEINER'S DREAM"..Stand-Up Comedy DOWN MEXICO WAY!; "PINOCCHIO & WEINER..The Nose Knows"!; "WEINER'S WEENIE A WINNER"...Say That 3 Times!; "140 CHARACTERS & A PENIS".. The Musical!; "WHERE THERE'S SMOKE THERE'S WEINERS"!; "BODY LANGUAGE...Weiner's Podium Tells"!
CHARLIE SHEEN: "ONE & 1/2 MEN"!; "FOOLS, TROLLS & A.A. Holes"!; "Sheen SHIRKS Shirts" Bowling For Bimbos!
No Comedy Zone: "THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM" Cleaning Up After Arnold!; "HIDDEN PASSAGEWAY" Horror Unearthed In America!; "WHAT STICKS IN YOUR CRAW"?; "SARAH'S KEY" Unlocks Tears of Yesterday; "DYING TO LIVE" My Mother's 100 year Battle For Life"!; NIXON'S WATERLOO - "MY AMERICAN SCANDAL"! OC; "SPACE SHUTTLE HEROES & My Audition"!; "9/11 SOUND BUT NO PICTURES"!; "READING BETWEEN THE LINES" The Evolution of Books!; "ELIZABETH TAYLOR Slept Here" Part 1; "ELIZABETH TAYLOR Slept Here" Part 2
WHAT WAS I THINKING?: "BILL MAHER & HIS WHITE SHEEP BROTHER BOB"!; CHUMLEE "Sexiest Man Alive" PAWN STAR HAS BALLS; "TWINS BORN 5 YEARS APART"!; "LUXURY One LINERS" on the Kvetch Ketch!; "CIRCUMCISION..Tips From A Mohel"!; "PREMATURE EVACUATION" EXIT SEAT Employment!; "BORAT Does THE INTERNET"!

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OCTOBER 6, 2011 3:11PM

Rate: 3 Flag

"LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS MORE EXITED ABOUT SEEING ME THAN MY DOG"!

While that on-line invitation perks my ears up - it doesn't make me pant for the guy who said:

"I CAN WHISTLE"!

On the other hand; I might have a better time with the guy who said:

"A PERFECT DATE IS ONE THAT ENDS WITHOUT THE SERVICES OF A BAIL BONDSMAN"!

To be fair; I must include my Profile Opener:

"Looking for "The Givens" - Wealthy, Well endowed, Dance like Astaire! COME BACK HERE - Dancing is not that important"! ha ha

Pity me or not - these are actual Straight Lines guys have written on their Profiles to entice us gals:

"I'M SURGICALLY SNORE-PROOF, HAVE 350,000 FREQUENT FLYER MILES & I MAKE JELLO NERVOUS"!

And I thought Chaz Bono had too much Baggage!

"I CHANGE MY NAME & ACCENT TO BLEND INTO THE PLACE OR COUNTRY I AM IN"!

And which ankle is that Security Bracelet on?

"I LIKE TO RUN THROUGH A FIELD OF WILD FLOWERS IN SLOW MOTION"!

Just a guess - did you just bathe in "Calgon"?

"I'VE WALKED ON 1400 DEGREE HOT COALS & DIDN'T BURN"!

What kind of Barbeques do you go to?

"I PREFER AT LEAST A 20 MINUTE EXCHANGE DAILY WITH MY PARTNER TO SHARE STORIES, DREAMS & PRIORITIES"!

Okay - let me get my Egg Timer...Go!

"THEY DON'T CALL ME "BIG BOB" 'CAUSE I'M 5'10"!

He also wrote Income over $100,000 - what else is he inflating?

"I'M IN EXCELLENT PHYSICAL CONDITION"!

Sounds like he's selling me a Lawn Mower!

Maybe he should be connected with the guy who wrote he loves "Yard Work"!

"I HAD MY OWN TUX AT 13"!

Are you still bragging about getting into your old Cummerbund? I'm just guessing - Maitre D at 14?

"I HAVE NEVER MET A STRANGER - AND I STRIVE TO TREAT EVERYONE AS IF IT WERE THEIR LAST DAY TO LIVE"!

Check!

"I HAVE ALL WORKING PARTS"!

That's funny - mine are being reassembled!

"I LIKE TO SHOP"!

Sorry - Costco doesn't have the Patè I like!

"I DON'T WANT A CRUSADING, KNEE-JERK LIBERAL WHO HATES AMERICA"! He checked off "Conservative"!

You're kidding!

And..A Psychologist wrote, "I DON'T ANALYZE PEOPLE SOCIALLY"!

Then why did we meet at "BED, Bath & Beyond"?

***

Check out: "You Can't Make These Things Up" On-Line Straight Lines #1, #2 & #4

Author tags:

mr. right, satire, humor, on-line dating sites, dating, technology, comedy

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Comments

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Not sure which are funnier, the lines or your come-backs.

David McClain

October 06, 2011 04:43 PM

Thanks so much Torman! It's a Jungle out there!

Marilyn Sands

October 06, 2011 04:45 PM

""They don't call me "Big Bob" 'cause I'm 5'10"!"

It cause he weighs 800 pounds and eats ya on the first day. And by eat, I mean, HE EATS YOU!! :D

"I have never met a stranger - and I strive to treat everyone as if it were their last day to live"!

~ROTFLMAO~ You could have dated Dexter!?!?! WOW!! :D