YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands
Location
los angeles, California,
Birthday
July 03
Bio
Marilyn Sands is a Former 80's Stand-up Comic, her Essays can be found on salon.com & her unsold Screenplays in her Top Drawer...next to the hard liquor! "Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha All my Articles are Copyrighted & yes, I'll know!

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NO COMEDY ZONE
DECEMBER 1, 2011 12:58PM

"BEDROOM ChiCAINery" Sex, Lies & PIES!

Rate: 5 Flag

It's no secret that Herman won't be raising any cain in the bedroom anytime soon & I can prove it with my transcript of their most recent Pillow Talk:

GLORIA CAIN

100 8x10 Glossies in your Top Drawer? 

We don't Fish, Herman!

cainarms 

GLORIA

And who's this "Libya" in your Cell Phone?

HERMAN CAIN

Oh, that's a reminder so I can say something about Gaddafi!

GLORIA

Don't trifile with me, Herm!

HERMAN

Okay, it's Labia!

GLORIA

That's worse!  That's a woman's....

HERMAN

Don't tell me about that stuff; I like Mystery!

GLORIA

Looks like you're a regular Sherlock Holmes!

GLORIA

And 69999?

HERMAN

Put that thing away, darlin' - those little notations of mine just help with my speeches.  Palin writes on her hand - I use 9's!

GLORIA

Why do you help all these women with their money problems?

HERMAN

I like to Pay It Forward!

GLORIA

Couldn't you just give a Lifetime Coupon for Pizza?

HERMAN

Tried that; they still wouldn't touch me!

GLORIA

Touch you?

HERMAN

Touch my heart, sweetie.

GLORIA

I believe you Herm - and as you say; it will help getting Votes.

HERMAN

That's right & whenever you've had enough shame & embarrassment; let me know & I'll quit in a Georgia Minute!

GLORIA

This is the last time; do you hear me?

HERMAN

You've got my word on it!

GLORIA

What word is that?

HERMAN

Mozzerella!

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Comments

Type your comment below:
Yeah........ mozzerella with suasage.....
.
Thanks Sky - yes, you corrected yourself & I removed the wrong one - I was concentrating on the Sausage! Italian, Polish, German - they're all good....on Pizza!
69999!

I don't understand why everyone is so cynical about Herm. I can totally believe that he's been helping out a woman financially for 13 years without telling his wife but never having sex. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny agree with me.
Keep that mic open! I'm sure there are more stories to post here!!!
R
Thanks Cranky! I'm glad I didn't ruin my rep by writing Love Potion #69! As for good ol' Herm - he's priceless!
Thanks so much Out On A Limb - I may write a 2nd Bedroom Script when the Pepperoni really hits the fan!
Of the three (sex, lied and pies) I'd choose pies, so I could throw one in his face. How can this woman stand by his side and restrain herself from throttling him?
These candidates are like a comedy pinata - beat 'em with a stick and all these delicious treats keep falling out. Of course, I'd be happy just beating 'em with a stick!
Thanks so much Margaret! I'm embarrassed - I've never tried Godfather Pizza! Maybe Gloria has plans for him - like a Horse's Head in his bed?
Crank - you got that right! But they have so many months left on their Comedy Tour - do you think they PEAKED? ha ha