Having just read the article "Twins Born 5 Years Apart"! in the Huffington Post; it got me thinking about my old article:
"LAID BACK & Sometimes On The Side"...a Non-Surfers Guide to Hawaii
While living on the island of Oahu from '81-'84; I wrote this & an Original Sit-com while horizontal on soft silky sand wearing nothing but:
"THIS AIN'T A WET T-SHIRT - I JUST SWEAT A LOT"!
Laying on a Towel that said: "mACADAMIA University"!
You might just wonder what a slightly bald, middle-aged mother of Teenaged Twins - one 16, one 18, is doing on an island like this.
Well, I won this Contest - and they let me take a one-way ticket to anywhere. I won because I wrote the best finish to the statement.."If I were stranded on a deserted island, who or what would I bring with me"?
I said, "I would bring Catherine Zeta Jones - because it wouldn't be deserted for long and I could have the overflow"!
And so I'm here in Muumuuland. I could've used one when I was "with children". Instead I had to use my brother's old Boy Scout Tent.
The only trouble was; on the front it said, "Be Prepared"! Laughter? People actually snorted when they saw me!
Are you kidding - I went 10 months - the only mother in history besides "Dumbo"; who lived to tell about it!
I figured I went Full Term - plus Overtime @ Time & 1/2 - plus Labor!
I swore I would never look at another man; even a Gay one! I immediately joined "Pregnant Anonymous-Maximus"!
I know, I know; I have to explain my baldness and the long delivery of the Twins. Well, actually it happened at the same time! The delivery was so long; I pulled my hair out!
Every time the Doctor said "Push" - I pulled! I never could take directions!
Actually I asked for a Timed-Release Epidural - I heard 2 at a time are hard to raise!
I was so A-Sexual after that; the kids never did know whether to call me Mom or Pop!
Twins came to us as a surprise - there was no history of it in either of our families; except maybe for my husband's grandmother who had a bad case of Hiccups!
Give me a break...I'm working here!
I breast-fed; you know. Oh, you didn't know, did you? It's so unhip to announce it wherever you go. Actually, I didn't have to!
I was in the Grocery Store with the twins & some menopausal woman looked me in the eye & I just shook my head "Yes".
She knew! She also wore a 34-Long Brassiere!
You know, I got so tired of everybody asking me who they looked like; I called them "His" & "Hers".
For example, "HIS" looks like his father - the one that couldn't come on this trip of a lifetime; cause he didn't have a Suitcase!
Well, I'm not so dumb; I think he just wanted me to get away & enjoy myself with the Twins. At least - that's what the Neighbor Lady said!
But he did say on my way out, "If you really like it there; I'll commute from Cleveland"!
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
;-)
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That sounds awful!! Spare parts?
Suppose they want to use you for 'spare parts'?
;-)
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