Dear Rick,
First you have to buy one! Don't worry - buy it with macho things like Razor Blades,Tabasco & Drano - the Clerk will never notice! Trust me!
Look, if you can't rid yourself of "The Price Check Fear" - you'll never get a hold of one. They don't actually sell them on the street corners like Weed, you know!
Well, I guess I might as well give you the instructions since I've got your ear. No Rick; not on your Ear - much, much lower!
Don't let the Condom choices on the shelves confuse you; pick anything - size doesn't matter! You don't want to be lingering by that aisle any longer than necessary - some Biddy will come by & whisper "Ticklers" & you'd be running out of the store!
And don't look for the word "Rubbers" either. My Grandfather wore his out shoveling snow in '48!
And don't worry it might break when you actually use it. You probably would welcome it!
Now go home & try a test one in the bathroom. If the wife asks what you're doing in there - tell her "Trying to be President"!
And don't "Go John Wayne" on the Mrs. either. That's right pard'ner; don't come into the bedroom saying "I've got a Condom here with your name on it"!
And for G-d's sake; don't sing "I've Got Sperm that Jingle, Jangle, Jingle"!
If I get past the Salon Censors here; you'll be expecting (excuse the expression) my next letter to actually test your new Condom out on your significant other. Of course, when she's ready - just like Comedy; Timing is everything!
Yours,
Well, not without a Condom!
Marilyn
® All Rights Reserved Marilyn Sands 2012
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V.Corso
OS Weekend Fiction Club
Thoth
Blinddream
Procopius
Rob St. Amant
Salon.com
Comments
:-) / r
I was someone who was never taught the birds and bees. I had to gather my knowledge about reproduction and sex from a combination of porn books (borrowed from my sister), a very discreetly held biology class that only spoke in generalities, and whispers from other misinformed boys. Forget any of the social basics like "how to talk to girls" and "how to get girls to like you." I'm several decades beyond high school and still don't know any of that.
What you should do is compile this advice and make it available and readable by both boys and girls. A long time ago I ran across advice for real-world sex that boys are NEVER taught. For instance, not trying to treat a girl's nipples like you were tuning in Radio Free Europe. Not limiting your touching to the nipples, which are also not doorbell buttons. Not banging your hips into hers during coitus, where she will be bruised. You could compile a very useful and adored book about these little-known facts.
Admittedly, you'll never make money out of such a book, because writers are no longer paid. But if you released it on the Internet somehow, you'd be doing boys and girls a great service.
neutron has a point. I am a strong advocate of "reproductive" education in schools or elsewhere. Kids don't have a clue. Unfortunately we have so many babies having babies because they'd rather have fun with sex then understand the consequences. Good post.
Excellent letter
rated with love