YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands
Location
los angeles, California,
Birthday
July 03
Bio
Former Stand-up Comic, Comic Booker, Gag Writer. Currently marketing Madcap Comedy Screenplays, a Stage Play, a Book & selling jokes out of the trunk of my car......"Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha

Marilyn Sands's Links

BEING A STAND-UP COMIC After 40
MY FAVORITE LINE in an Article
END OF YEAR SPECIAL
DON KNOTTS DAUGHTER: "Tied Up In Knotts"
NEWTOWN, CONNECTICUT SCHOOL SHOOTING, COLORADO ET AL
"FAVORITE SCENE IN A MOVIE
PILLOW TALK - Scripted
THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES 2012
THE MATING GAME
NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS
BO OBAMA
OS WEEKEND FICTION
THE ELUSIVE EP
JOHN BOEHNER
MITT ROMNEY
NEWT GINGRICH
RICK PERRY
CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'
"YOU CAN'T MAKE THESE THINGS UP"! On-Line Dating Straight Lines!
RECOMMENDED BY ZAGAT
POLITICS AS USUAL
THINKING OUT OF THE BOX
NON-PARTISAN POLITICS ha ha
SARAH PALIN
MICHELE BACHMANN
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
IN A CLASS ALL IT'S OWN
RICK SANTORUM
VENTS R US
I LOVE THE MOVIES
PERSONAL FAVS
VISUAL CANDY
BATHROOM READING
Shh...IT'S PERSONAL!
ARNOLD SCHWARTENEGGER
ANTHONY WEINER
CHARLIE SHEEN
NO COMEDY ZONE
AUGUST 17, 2012 1:40PM

"MY MOTHER SHOULD'VE BEEN ARRESTED"!

Rate: 5 Flag

hairmachine 

Oh, that's not me; but I'm sure she's dead now!  Of course, she could've died right after this Beauty Treatment in the 50's! 

Or she could've killed her Mother when she got home.  And they said I can't write Fiction!

Don't laugh.  At 12 years old; I had this same Contraption on my head & that's why I write like this!  Oh, there's always a reason; look at Cranky Cuss for example!  No tellin' what his story is!

You see, you had to go to a Beauty Salon to have this done; this isn't a Home Frankenstein Kit that you whip out!

Yeah, paid good money!  You can't hate this long; can you?  I have a Photo of me after this experiment.  Even OS rejected it!

Just picture it; okay?  Not just the Hair; but the angry Face!

Hermit?  I was harder to find than The Unibomber!

When I was older; my Mother sent me to a Shrink - she thought I was too introverted. 

"I'm not introverted Moth--er...I'm pissed my Hair breaks off like a Kit-Kat Bar"!

At least my Mother Walked the Talk & always said, "You have to Suffer for Beauty" as she plucked, tweezed & waxed until she could draw on "Bette Davis Eyes"!

betteeyes 

This isn't a face of a happy Actress; Bette's Mother also did it to her!

No this isn't the first time my Mother thrust her beloved Beauty Secrets on me! 

 She made me use "Pond's Vanishing Cream" & one day I didn't show up for Dinner!  Luckily it was "Liver & Onions Night" - but that's just a coinkidink!

She gave me Dating & Marriage Advice too!

"WHEN YOU'RE WITH A MAN - ACT DUMB"!

actdumb  

"DON'T WEAR THOSE "CANDY LIPS" ON A DATE"!

candylips 

"Practice this every day - SO AT THE A&P; YOU CAN REACH THOSE CANS"!

hangingwoman 

"CRY A LOT"!

beer 

"ALWAYS ACT HAPPY WHEN YOU GET A GIFT"!

canning 

MOM BOUGHT ME THIS "BULLET BRA" - Now where was I gonna wear THAT - An NRA Rally?

 bra2

As For "PREPARATION H" For Puffiness Around The Eyes -- YOU DECIDE!

womaneyes  

Okay -  The Hair Contraption is the only one that's true!

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Comments

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So many things lately make me realize it was a good thing my mother decided to ignore me in the fifties. (This is hilarious and, of course, rated.)
You left out the joy of sleeping in rollers... read and rated ;-)
Thanks so mch nerd cred! And women complain about Split Ends - My Dog had a shinier Coat!
Thanks so much jmac - you mean YOU wore them too?
Hysterical. Where did you find those pics?
God bless mom. Since I was forever falling and tearing the knees out of my pants, my mom got these iron on re-enforcers which was like having wall panelling in you pants. That's why I run like Tin Man even today. R
Thanks so much Jer! You know, I remember those Metal Reinforcers! Your Tin Man impression - does that come with an Oil Can?
I love the stretch exercise; boy, those were the days. Hilarious. R
Thanks so much Thoth! I don't know about anybody else but I'm 5' tall - & STILL can't reach anything!
The good thing about that bra is that it could double as a double snow cone cup dispenser. R
Thanks so much Trudge! You've got A POINT there! ha ha
And now we all (well, except me) watch Mad Men and crush on the ones who persuaded us (well, not me) to spend good money on these "beauty" products. We (not me) learn new ways with one hand and hang on to the old with the other.
Thanks so much Matt! Oh, how I wish for a dollar fifty Bra today! Of course, I would knock over Lamps with them - but what the hey!
Loved it! My mother really should have been arrested for shoplifting (I saw it.), so before reading it I thought your mother did something illegal. How lucky for you that she didn't!
Thanks so much for stopping by Jackie! Shoplifting? Wow - did you you write about it yet? Hope there's a happy ending.