YOU HAD ME AT "HA"!

from HOPE to HARPO - my love affair with funny!

Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands
Location
los angeles, California,
Birthday
July 03
Bio
Marilyn Sands is a Former 80's Stand-up Comic, her Essays can be found on salon.com & her unsold Screenplays in her Top Drawer...next to the hard liquor! "Author of 2 Works of Fiction....my Diary & my Resume"! ha ha All my Articles are Copyrighted & yes, I'll know!

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DON KNOTTS DAUGHTER: "Tied Up In Knotts"
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NOBODY HERE BUT US CHICKENS
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THE ELUSIVE EP
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NO COMEDY ZONE
JANUARY 29, 2013 2:59PM

"Take One MORNING AFTER PILL...and Pray to CVS"!

Rate: 8 Flag

pill1 

I don't think CVS' new Slogan will take off - do you?

"CVS - WHERE YOU CAN GET A FLU SHOT, A SEX PILL & A SHOESHINE"!

It was a long time coming - but we Gals got our wish! 

Well, not quite - Men don't take it!

Think of it as a Backup...You can take "Plan B" or "Plan B One-Step" if...

You forgot to use Birth Control

The Condom came off

He said he had a Condom on

Or you're really Horny & just like to think you had sex!

Just to make things clear - It doesn't destroy a Baby; it disrupts Ovulation - think of it like this:

The Egg is at a Fork in the Road & one of the Lanes has an Orange Cone on it!

And yes; then the Sperm gets in a Traffic Jam!  It may even take a Detour to some other Floosie's Hatchery...

...but enough about me!

But let me tell you what "Plan B" is not...

...Drawing on your Eyebrows after eating S'mores at a Campfire! 

eyebrows 

It's a Pill that makes Men nervous - Republican Men!

But most of all - it's an Emergency Contraception!  It's not the same as the Abortion Pill RU486!  Nobody's that old!

And for G-d's sake; give it another name - like "Somebody F#%$& Up"!  

Literally!

 Should you take a Pregnancy Test before you buy "Plan B"?

  That's like asking "Which came first - the Chicken or the..."

If you do; just remember not to make Eye Contact with the Cashier, The Stock Boy or Grandma getting off on "Bride's Magazine" in the corner!

"Let's see...there's the "EARLY RESULT Pregnancy Test",

"FIRST RESPONSE Pregnancy Test",

"ONE STEP Pregnancy Test",

"ORAQUICK Pregnancy Test",

or the "Early, Early, Early RESULT...IT BROKE-GET-OFF-ME Pregnancy Test"!

Sorry to say - they're 75 to 89% effective...& with those odds - I don't even want to play "Go Fish"!

All I know is the earlier you take "Plan B"; the better & During Sex shouldn't be ruled out!

But you two have to rush out of the House, Barn or Backseat of a Chevy & Run - don't walk to the Drug Store! 

Sure, people will talk - People will always talk!

Just yell, "It's Yoga, Yoga"!

And call your Pharmacist that you're on your way & hold onto each other tight - it'll be a Bumpy Ride!

bette2 

***

One of my Favs - Maureen McGovern's 1973 Hit Song "The Morning After"! 

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP_Avz2YC8k

 

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Comments

Type your comment below:
"Sorry to say - they're 75 to 89% effective...& with those odds - I don't even want to play "Go Fish"!"

Simply hilarious, Marilyn; you made my day.R
Thanks, Doc, but I just came in for the shoeshine. R
Should I give one to the girl I see in the hall everyday at work because I think of her in "that way"? R
You've made the perfect argument for homosexuality! So much easier ... Plan B is simply to put *it* back in the sock drawer. ;->

~R~ I just love laughter ...
[r] Somebody f*'d up!!! Marilyn, one helluva marketing genius! you rock, once again. best, libby
Thanks Thoth - you're a Man among Men...and Women too! Happy to make your day!
Thanks Jer - I woulda paid good money to see you in your youth at the Drug Store!
Thanks Trudge - please do give "that girl" that surprise & then write about it! I'll be waiting.
Hey, Eyespye - I've been outta practice for awhile - I'm tryin' to figure out what "it" is!
Thanks so much Libby! Gotta tell it like it is!
A sex pill? are you sure it was this one they were referring to? there's a pretty long line at the pick-up counter at CVS lately. Funny thing though, they all seem to be pretty old guys.
Thanks Gabby Abby! Oh THAT Pill! ha ha That'll be another article!
This one evoked memories of Woody Allen's "Everything You Always Wanted to Know ...." By the way, will someone please tell me what CVS stands for? Cardio-vascular something, perhaps?
Thanks Dan! Yes, Woody knew how to shake up those Erogenous Zones - I mean the Brain & well...everything else! Who wouldn't laugh at "Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty"!