Illustration courtesy SFist

2:30 a.m. -- Digging through Le Monde, I see that Sarkozy and Carla Bruni love going to some place called Switzerland. I wonder if that's like Six Flags. Since Alaska is so deficient in amusement parks, I'll have to schedule a campaign stop to Florida to check out their Switzerland. I'll bet they have a Matterhorn ride!

2:50 a.m. -- The Shanghai Daily has such terrible comics!

3:05 a.m. -- Looks like the New York Times early edition is out. Man, does that ink stain your fingers. Hey, maybe I can work that in to the debate -- something like "You need rubber gloves to read the liberal press."

3:12 a.m. -- What is this Mother Jones thing?? There is not a single parenting article in the whole thing. Instead it's all about sustainability and yoga. We do have yoga in Alaska, which is like a microcosm of the whole United States, without the black people.

3:15 a.m. -- Speaking of black people, I just read Jet. That is so hilarious!  There are actually black people besides Oprah and Obama and that Chris Rock fella. Imagine!

3:20 a.m. -- Oh my God, the Times of London says the mortgage crisis could be even worse in teh Briton than in the U.S. Maybe Britain is like a microcosm of the U.S. too! I'll have to ask Andrew Sullivan when I see him at the nail salon.

3:30 a.m. --  As a reward to myself for all that studying of foreign press, I devour Cosmo. I just learned 17 ways to please my man, and I'm going to try one of them in a few minutes. Shut up, Todd, I'm trying to read! No, I don't care if the light bothers you. Shut up!

3:40 a.m. --  I read Petfood Industry Magazine. Man, are they having trouble with the Chinese. Everything's global these days, it just goes to show ya.

3:46 a.m. -- Small Arms, which is not about people  with birth defects, no! It's about revolvers.

3:52 a.m. --  The Paris Review, which is not about Paris. See, it's so tricky, this is why I have to read everything. I'll bet there's a magazine called Stuffy Book Snob that really is about Paris.

3:55 a.m. -- My aides deliver another stack of periodicals. No rest for the weary. Let's see, Cat Fancy. Now you're talkin'.