I've known some beautiful women, women who are very striking, women who turn heads. I don't claim to have dated many of these avatars, but I've become friends with a few, and there's a question I've always wanted to ask them, but which, because I don't want to be annoying or make them self-conscious around me, I almost never ask.
When I was a teenager, and even through most of my 20s, I never dated exceptionally beautiful women. I felt I wasn't in their league, that they weren't interested in people like me -- I was (and am) the epitome of the person women are not looking for when they advertise in personal ads for someone "tall" -- and I was, frankly, completely intimidated by them, starting with the cheerleaders in high school and continuing on to cocktail waitresses, gorgeous modern dancers, and the occasional co-worker. By the time I reached the end of my 20s I had gained more confidence, and in fact I figured out how to meet and even occasionally date beautiful women for whom my stature was not a dealbreaker.
As I began writing fiction, I often wrote from a female character's point of view. And while this was often fairly successful, I have always felt a little uncomfortable writing about, or from the perspective of, an exceptionally beautiful woman. Probably because I still harbor a bit of mystification about them, even though rationally I realize they're just people with regular problems and satisfactions like me. In any case, my question has rarely been answered to my satisfaction, so I'm putting it out here.
The question is this. You know you're gorgeous, and so does everyone else. Even if you have your days when you feel you don't look your best, your basic beauty is not a matter of dispute, and if someone says "Wow, you're beautiful," for you to reply "No, I'm not" is to be disingenuous.
I'm not talking about catcalls ("Hey gorgeous!"), but about sincere expressions, whether friendly or passionate, of appreciation for your beauty. Maybe it's a date saying "I can't believe how pretty you are." Maybe it's a friend who tells you you look great in everything. Maybe it's someone who compares you favorably to a movie star. But in any case, they haven't been able to stop themselves from telling you something you know already: You're a knockout.
So how do you feel about such compliments, and how do you react? That's my question.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Martha Nichols
mypsyche
DktrShe
ambiacademic
Ersatz Reader
O'Really?
Salon.com
Comments
Personally, I don't mind when people very close to me tell me I'm beautiful because they know me, inside & out. I believe a person's character and personality adds to their physical attractiveness.
I also find it slightly creepy for a complete stranger to compliment someone on their looks--does that really happen (outside of a terrible pick-up attempt)?
just my 2 cents...
I was struck speechless. He nodded ever-so-slightly and left. To this day (20 years later), I treasure the gift this man gave me that day. If he had stuck around, I probably would've discounted his words. But his leaving allowed me to take in something I otherwise found difficult.
Later, I even dared to believe him.
But what struck me the most was that to people staring at them - which is constant - they get a glimpse of this beauty. But for me spending hours with them and laughing and talking, it's the substance beyond the shell that will hold people to them. Being beautiful to someone who doesn't know you is just being decorative.
Most of us need to be more than decorative. Thank god.
A month or so ago, I was having dinner with a friend and after dinner, a woman approached me from the next table. Her friends (male and female) had noticed me earlier walking down the street and they wanted to tell me how great I looked. It totally caught me off guard - I mean I am closing in on 50 here. I think it was more about the total outfit than me, but it seemed to be better coming from a woman. If it were a man, I would have likely blown it off. As it was, I felt awkward, but appreciative.
And with that, I've totally made myself feel very uncomfortable even weighing in on this. I agree with Gwen and Spotted totally. It is in the eye of the beholder, and only those who really know me have an opinion I truly value.
As for JK, I hope she will rethink her position that closing in on 50 precludes any possibility of beauty. If the beauty we are talking about is truly about what is inside, then the older we get, the more we have inside and the more we shine.
But, I hesitate to call myself beautiful. I know that there are people who think I am, but there certainly many who don't. It really is a pretty subjective thing.
And then I have to pause to once again drink in your beauty.
It only seems right.
I've read that beautiful women often end up less happy in later life than more plain women (though the same study didn't find the same thing for men)....maybe it is because of the sometimes addictive quality of attention? I'm not fully sure.
But not to put this too negatively, I imagine that while it lasts that attention (esp if you have a personality that likes a lot of attention) feels great, builds on itself to make a person happier, more confident, more beautiful, etc.
interesting question. I also agree with gwendolyn and have often wondered how and why certain people are thought of as beautiful while others are not (by strangers)...aesthetically, I prefer people who are more vivid, strange and alive regardless of the shapes of their features.
Second... I loved the reply by mypsyche about treasuring the gift a complete stranger gave her. I *so* agree. I've had complete strangers say I have the most beautiful eyes they've ever seen... or that they'll never forget the way I smile or that I have a whisky voice that they could listen to forever. I've been called drop dead beautiful by total strangers. One one level, it's embarrassing - but, yet I find myself tucking those little gifts into a corner of my heart where little treasures are stored. Not so much for the words, but for the kindness.
But it's all perspective. I've also had people ask me if it's embarrassing to have such an ostentatious appearance. lol. And I do with a curly mop I can barely control, odd shaped eyes, and oddly colored skin. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and what one person finds attractive is not always attractive to another.
Thing is, we all cry the same tears, bleed the same blood and go through life wanting to love and be loved. Appearance is the wrapping paper - the important part is who we are inside.
I have a gorgeous birthmother to thank for most of my face. My body's a different story. :-S
As an adult, I've been told I'm beautiful often enough now that I've come to believe there must be some truth in it. But it wasn't always thus; internally, mentally and emotionally, I'm still the ugly duckling I was during childhood, adolescence, and high school.
Some improvements in appearance started in college (I stopped fighting with my hair, for one thing, and stopped frying it in vain hopes of getting Jacqueline Smith curls) , but I didn't really fully become the current physical "me" until my mid-thirties.
I also tend to yo-yo, weightwise, and I can now tell you precisely the weight at which the visible/invisible switch gets turned on or off. It's 145. When I weigh more than that, I tend to melt into the background and don't get "noticed." When I weigh less than that, people start to comment positively about my appearance.
I've always had a very hard time accepting compliments about my appearance, probably because I didn't receive a lot of them growing up. I'll bask happily in compliments about my wits or my brain or my personality, but when somebody tells me I'm beautiful, I'm always confused and discombobulated. There's no good way to answer, is there?
I'll generally say something like "Oh, stop it." Because yes, it's uncomfortable for me to receive a compliment about appearance. The days when I can say "Thank you" and leave it at that are very rare.
But as far as your theory about the blind...the film "Ray" disillusioned me about the visual dispassion of the blind. then I realized that for particularly rich, celebrity type persons often beauty is a commodity that must be acquired regardless of whether they can enjoy it themselves or not. Ray was determined never to sleep with another woman that others determined to be beautiful so he devised a system of checking their wrist bones to make sure they were small enough.
That film gave me the creeps a little.
first of all, i was gorgeous when I was young. And I mean gorgeous. Lush curly hair, chocolate eyes, curvy as hwy 1.....you get my drift.
established fact...i was a sizzling woman.
established fact...I didn't have a clue what I looked like. I could SEE me but I couldn't see me beyond my flaws. so I stopped there, always. the nose was this...the hips had that...could I hold a pencil under my breasts? that's how it is with many women, maybe most, I don't presume to say.
women who KNOW they are beautiful I believe are fortunate, but rare. even those who fit the standard for "___height___, ___hair color___, ___eye color___, leggy, ___breast size and shape____"...barbi, more or less, don't have a clue.
what they're seeing is what they've been told is beautiful. they may be missing their most attractive quality...like sparkling eyes that bespeak intelligence and humor. an incredible laugh.
you faked it. you didn't know who you were either. for years you worked a mojo trying to figure out what "beautiful" women wanted. you defined beautiful and my guess is women who fit that criteria were the prize to be had.
yet what beautiful women want is to be loved, appreciated, seen for the person they are, even when they're not looking so hot, even when they're tired, even when they're not in the mood. don't get me wrong...we LOVE when someone notices us when we look good. but no one wants to be afraid of losing their looks and losing everything else with it.
some buy into the looks as commoditiy and decide to cash in for the best looking, most moneyed. But most human beings simply want to acceptance, respect, safety and love.
I don't know if you know this, but the sexiest men aren't the ones who look good. they're the ones who treat women like they're interesting valuable people to have around, people who they'd RATHER spend time with than, lets say sports or beer with buds even when they're not fucking them. even beautiful women. especially beautiful women.
btw, I ALWAYS end up with gorgeous men. nomatter what I look like. because I SEE them for who they are. they happen to be goodlooking, great. but I've loved some not so goodlooking ones, who, once I got to know them were so goddamned hot, they smoked.
so there you go. from an old lady with great memories.
I want to be told I'm fascinating. and then if you want to say, "you have stunning eyes" or your this is that or whatever...that's nice. but to be told I'm perfection suggests to me I've been evaluated. that sort of evaluation is usually ongoing. and in the grand scheme of things....we're all wanting, no one's perfect..
And mpsyche, I loved your original response and felt disappointed that you needed to weigh back in. When I read your first comment, I thought, yeah, I wish I could own that too...and sometimes I do, but not today.
and just for good measure, please let me cindy ross again. I haven't been cindyrossing for weeks, and it feels good to cindyross.
Your underlying question, at least what I'm hearing, is really about self-confidence. If a person's not cursed with trog-like features, it's really more how you feel about yourself, and how you project that. I'm not a flat beauty, (nor a trog) but I can walk into a room and own it in very short order. True, it gets harder as I get older. Which says more about our youth-worshiping culture than about me. Or you.
Give me a sincere compliment and you'll get a sincere thank you right back.
When a gentleman gives a lady a sincere compliment, and it is offered with art or agenda, then I think it's a gift. When I gage that this is the case for the gentleman who has offered the compliment, then I am very appreciative.
Hope
Hope
how i look and how others perceive my looks are such different things, and it's varied so much for me from teenage years to 59. i used to think i had a face that was so far from beautiful, or even noteworthy, that no one would remember me on a second meeting. i was told that that was crazy but i didn't start to believe that until i was in my thirties.
i think i look better now than i ever have (because *i* feel better myself) and most people who know me think so, too, but *not* strangers under, say, 35. i remember being that age, too, and pretty much dismissing older women and men as just looking old so how could they be beautiful?
i know i turn heads. i've seen it happen. but now i think it's because i have a confidence that's more about who i have become than what i look like -- although i'm surely more confident about what i look like, too, than i was at, say, 30 -- and that i don't shrink and try to disappear when people look my way. that's a long way of saying i think it's at least 60 percent attitude.
my favorite compliment is from a man i've known for decades. we've been each other's biggest fan since we met. he and i are both long married; the four of us are very close, long-time friends; i adore his wife. he knows more about me than most of my women friends, and every time he sees me, he tells me that i'm gorgeous, and his eyes say he's telling the absolute truth. that's the very best compliment. he'd probably think i was beautiful with not a dot of makeup on -- and i know *for sure* that's a crock.
see, still conflicted. ;-)
There's one thing I find a bit un-nerving and I really don't know if it has anything to do with my appearance. Men who love me (friends - gay and straight, relatives, my late husband) will look at me while talking to someone else in the same conversation. I want to tell them, "Look at Harry! He's the one you're talking to!" but that feels churlish.
Has anybody else had this happen? What's that about?
If someone tells me I'm beautiful, I believe them. Why would they lie? I'm beautiful at certain times, doing certain things, with certain people, in certain pictures. I can also be haggard and ugly. My face is very mobile and sensitive to circumstances.
@Devil Monkey wrote:
"you faked it. you didn't know who you were either. for years you worked a mojo trying to figure out what "beautiful" women wanted. you defined beautiful and my guess is women who fit that criteria were the prize to be had...yet what beautiful women want is to be loved, appreciated, seen for the person they are, even when they're not looking so hot..."
I don't think Mark needs to be told this. He's the champ at knowing a woman inside and out and appreciating her for her brains and creativity. Mark sees talent. He supports women in artistic and intellectual work. He's also got an enormous capacity for love. He's the last person in the world to look at a woman as a prize. His ego doesn't need that.
I know. I'm married to him.
T0 everyone who has responded so far: it has been really enlightening and fun to read everyone's replies. Thanks for being so open and revealing.
But I told, you, I´m a geek.
And why weren´t you confident with beautiful girls? Do you see? to be beautiful is sometimes a problem: not many boys dare talk to you...
Interesting post, thanks!
I've gotten all of those (I'd guess most reasonably attractive women have). They're ego-ticklers, I guess. But women who hear these things a lot don't really need extra ego-tickles anyway, you know?
Why not save your compliments for people who don't hear that kind of thing all the time?
At my age, any compliment by husband or friend deeply touches me. I say "thank you" and am more pleased than they could ever know.
If we were to tell the truth, most women know that beauty is a gift and a curse, fleeting and often missed when gone, but not something to rely on throughout life without other attributes to support it. Life is not easy for the pretty girls no matter whether they know they are gorgeous or have been taught not to think of themselves as attractive. People still react to you as they will no matter how good you look to them -- it is about how you interact with them that goes past the first impression. At least that is what I believe...
Complements still make me uncomfortable (though they are much rarer now that I am in my late 40s).
I have been told that my looks were the reason that I got jobs, didn't get jobs, had girl friends, didn't have girl friends, had boy friends, didn't have boy friends and on and on. Frankly, I am more comfortable now, that I am "disappearing" into middle age. Life is simpler!