New TSA Procedures for Passenger Safety
In the wake of the Delta Airlines aircraft that was forced to make an emergency landing today at JFK airport after a bird apparently caused one of its engines to fail, the TSA is announcing new procedures to protrect our passengers from any and all future risk. In our ongoing commitment to providing for the absolute safety of all airline travel in the U.S.,we will henceforth be dispatching an advance, bird extermination aircraft alongany and all planned commerical routes one hour in advance iof any commercial flight's departure. These advance planes will exterminate all birds along the planned route, so as to protect the planned commercial flight from any encounters that might threaten the integrity of its engines.
We understand that some have raised concerns regarding the toxicity of the bird poison upon the health of land animals and humans, but the poison manufacturer assures us that the sub stance to be used is absolutely harmless to any speces other than birds.
Concerns have also been raised by conservationists and others concerned with the preservation of wildlife. While we understand and appreciate those concerns, we believe that our new policy is necessary and that it strikes the appropriate balance between ecological stewardship and passenger safety. Thank you for your cooperation.
The TSA -- Protecting Today's Skies from Yesterday's Terror!