I want to go to Al-Anon, but after the discussion I had tonight with my three day sober alcoholic husband, I realize he does not want me to go.  I understand he would like to wipe it under the rug and forget about his past drinking.  I even understand why.  I have gotten drunk before in my life, as most people have.  I even went through a period where I decided I was drinking too much.  At the time, I was mixed up with a crowd that drank every night.  My system just could not handle even one drink every night.  I began to get physically ill a lot.  My immune system went way down.  I did not drink for the next six months.  I most likely have my Native American Ancestors to thank for keeping my drinking at low levels.    

I  average having a drink every two to three months now.  And then it is just one or two drinks.  But during the periods when my husband drank, I would not drink at all.  I always felt like I needed to take care of him.  Tonight, however, I relived each and every time I have ever had a single drink. Unfortunately, he does not remember his behavior when he was drunk.  I did not see any reason to bring it up.  It seemed like it would just add stress to the whole become sober process.  And why did the conversation go this way?  In the last sentence of the conversation, he told me why he does not want me to go to Al-Anon, "If you tell publicly my name and my work hears about it they will fire me because of how high I am in the company."

He is afraid of losing his job.  He is afraid the people who he works for will lose respect for him.  And I admit that he most likely would lose his job if his company found out who he was.  So I have to be very careful not to put in my blogs any defining details of who we are.  I do not want to hurt his career.  I have only the best wishes for his future.  I am especially excited he is on day three of being sober.  I am worried about him not wanting to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  He told me he is not like them.  He said, "All they do is whine about their problems."  I keep wondering if this is his own way of not admitting to himself he needs help.  He has always believed he is a strong man and needs no ones help.  He has now decided to stop going to his therapist.  He says, "They do not help him."  

The last time he stopped going to his therapist, he began taking out the problems and stresses of the day on us - his family.  I had to tell him to go back to his therapist.  He did, now he is quitting at a time when he is under more stress than ever before.  I am not sure this is a wise choice.  I cannot talk to him anymore tonight.  He cannot handle anymore.  He was getting ready to leave when I told him I was going to Al-Anon whether he wanted me to or not?  I believe I have the right to go if I feel I need it.  I especially believe my daughter should get help.  I do not understand exactly why he does not see how hurt we have become through all this.  Emotions are high at the moment. perhaps I should wait to go to the Al-Anon?

Now I am doubting whether I was right or wrong?  Should I wait to go to Al-Anon?  Should I let him be sober and just support him in these first couple of weeks before I think about the children and I?  Was my timing off?  He was of the opinion that I never forgive him.  I think he views my needing to talk about the past as my holding on to the past incidents of when he was drunk and that I have not forgiven him.  I told him I have forgiven him for what he did.  On the other hand, some of the issues I feel like I need to talk to with a therapist.  He felt my last therapist just told him how everything he did was wrong and that our relationship was doomed.  That is not how I remember those sessions when I brought him into my therapy, but it is how he remembers it.  With the therapist, there is no reason at all he can really come up with that I cannot go.  I chose a therapist that was in a different state but only an hour away so no one would know I go to a therapist.  As for the Al-Anon I am not sure what I should do now, except go back to therapy.   I am especially worried about whether his company would fire him if they find out I am going.  And I believe the real reason he is not going to Alcoholics Anonymous is because he is afraid his company will find out.