I moved to a new school when I started third grade, full of hope. We'd arrived in an East Bay suburb of what seemed to be regular families, a mix of professionals and hard-working immigrants. My father had taken his first academic job at the local college.
It wasn't easy being the new girl, though. I did make friends—one of my closest at first was Eileen Lee, who lived six houses up the street from me and whose father was a cook at a nearby retirement home. But I had a nemesis, too, Molly Flanagan, who was big and brassy and blonde.*
During one birthday party at an ice-skating rink—oh, the ecstasy I felt at being invited!—Molly pushed me over every time she glided past. She convinced at least half the girl guests to trip me or send me otherwise crashing to the ice, all to that most hated of kid soundtracks: giggling.
I don't remember the details. I'm pretty sure the birthday girl's mother put a stop to it; I think the birthday girl herself was angry at Molly. Probably the most ironic outcome is that Molly and I became best friends by fourth grade, a close relationship that continued throughout high school.
Molly has been on my mind lately. At that time, with me as a target, she acted as a mean girl. She made clear who was queen of the playground asphalt. Yet Molly was so far from the stereotypical privileged fashion plate that it makes me question current conceptions of girl bullies.
It happens that I've had a number of discussions with other mothers about mean girls. This is not breaking news; books like Queen Bees and Wannabees and Emma have been sounding the alarm for centuries about the pain of being ostracized by other girls. But many worried moms of daughters believe meanness is on the rise. "Mean Girls" is now used in media commentaries about bullying, as reductive as "Goth."
I'm the mother of a young son, so maybe I've been spared. It's a truism that boys, being socially clueless, end up doing less emotional damage. Yet while I agree that boys operate differently than girls, tusseling like packs of wolf cubs and one-upping each other, they don't get a pass on meanness.
To assume that male displays of hostility are somehow more honest is to to deny the sexism implicit in "mean girls." I've caught myself thinking that way, and I don't like it. When feminist moms begin dissing alpha-girl second graders, I worry that we're eating our own. We're allowing legitimate worries to overwhelm a more realistic assessment of our children's social lives.
The rise of cyber-bullying is definitely troubling; the anonymity afforded those who want to be nasty via Facebook and blogs may do real psychological harm. I'm happy to see school principals at least mouthing the right words about a no-tolerance policy towards bullying of all kinds.
The awful tale of Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, Mass., has turned up the media heat again these past months. After a bit of googling, I found this May 2010 request for interviews from Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls:
"Does your life ever feel like the movie Mean Girls? Are you being bullied by other girls? Are your friends more like frenemies? The story of Phoebe Prince, the girl who committed suicide because of bullying, is haunting us all. I'm writing a story for the October issue of Teen Vogue about extreme meanness and bullying...."
I'm genuinely curious—and concerned—about how extreme today's meanness by girls really is. Maybe it's worse than in eons past. There are plenty of good reasons given by Simmons and others for why female aggression may be more covert. But I suspect it's always been bad for those who were targets. And I don't believe girls are the only meanies out there.
I pretty much hated high school. It's never great being a female "brain," yet I did have a group of fellow nerd friends, including Molly. We sat out the senior prom together. We weathered each other's obsessions with Neil Diamond, Barbra Streisand, and David Bowie. "Clique" is the wrong word for us—we were more like the kids thrown together in Glee.The worst harassment I endured involved a new boy who was assigned a seat next to me in English class. He felt me up every chance he got, covert and blithe. I was mortified; I was also fortunate. The teacher, one of my favorites, allowed me to move my seat without any public comment. Still, for months, I endured notes from him passed by other kids: All you need is a good...
I think meanness is an old story. An ancient story. The meanness practiced by both boys and girls is a way of establishing hierarchies and policing behavior; it's a way of grappling with social status, a kind of brutal practicum. It's also complicated, because kids grow and change and shift roles.
Once Molly had shoved me around, for instance, she took to me and my parents. She was a budding artist, and my mother the painter praised the portraits of Hollywood stars Molly so lovingly sketched and for which she received little support in her own family. She had a teacher and a principal for parents, but my family's shabby bohemianism seemed elite to her.
A purely therapeutic analysis of Molly's bullying would emphasize her insecurity. But it wouldn't get at how she and I supported each other's awkwardness and oddball enthusiasms, or the way we honed a shared sense of humor. It wouldn't address what she must have felt when I bolted away from high school to an elite college, making my own status jump. It wouldn't encompass the way we drifted apart as adults.
Media accounts and movie portrayals of mean girls certainly nod to the class-system of high school, often in satirical ways. There are so many of these movies (Clueless, Election, Heathers) that they form a genre that is easily satirized itself, as in Glee or Mean Girls. The wit in them can be fun, but it does little to illuminate how actual teenagers live, develop ethics, or learn to embrace Carol Gilligan and Robert Coles.
Before that move across the Bay, my family had lived in graduate-student housing near Stanford. I'd been one of the poor kids at the public school I attended there, which was much worse than being pushed down at an ice rink. I had no friends. I had a few comrades-in-arms, fellow denizens of neighborhoods that were literally across the tracks. But BFFs in first and second grade? I don't remember any.What I do remember is staring longingly at the girls who lived in the wealthy town nearby, wearing their pressed blouses and skirts. They ignored me. This school had a maypole on May Day, and I stood with my father on the sidelines, wishing so much that I could be one of the girls holding a flowered garland. My father clasped my hand in silent recognition.
Was this just a girl thing? Again, I don't think so. Decades later, after describing those early days to a friend, she told me she didn't believe I'd been able to make economic class distinctions at such a young age. But I think kids understand status very young, even if they don't have the words for it. At least they do if their family is farther down the ladder than everyone else.
Maybe the biggest difference between Emma and contemporary mean-girl comeuppances is that Jane Austen put the nuances of social status front and center. It's clear from her first sentences why this young heroine has a lot to learn. She's not just a queen bee; she's a realistic mix of good and bad:
"Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her."I was a sensitive girl with a whole load of family baggage. Before third grade, we'd survived a year in which my mother was in a psychiatric hospital. I had to learn not to appear too damaged, to be a kid among the kids—to be happy—and perhaps the social hazing I went through wasn't the worst thing.
My ability to survive the bullies of my time is embedded in the many interlocking variables that determine who I am. I had my moments of meanness, too, when I lashed out at someone who didn't deserve it. I laughed along when Molly mouthed off about the horrid blue eye shadow that made Cindy Sawyer "look like a whore." We're all fallen creatures in this regard, whether we actively trash somebody or ignore a shy kid who isn't like us.*
I know it's tough for girls to find their place in the world among all the conflicting messages about niceness and success, the vampires and werewolves, the ever-present harsh evaluation of sweet young flesh. Yet given my circumstances, I was lucky to move to that less privileged East Bay suburb. I was lucky Molly cared enough to shove me down on the ice.
*Molly Flanagan, Eileen Lee, and Cindy Sawyer are pseudonyms.
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Comments
Unfortunately I think we've all been a mean girl. It's hard not to get caught up in the power struggle when your emotional intelligence is only budding.
I find that the emphasis on girls/women being "mean" while giving boys/men a pass, is simply sexist camouflage.
It is also a very rapidly progressing stereotype. It seem now days, that if a woman confronts anyone for any reason, they automatically start with the dismissive "mean girl" crap.
To me it is very reminiscent of the comments made to "uppity" black people that dared to say anything to white people.
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she told me she didn't believe I'd been able to make economic class distinctions at such a young age I'll differ with her. We moved from a school heavily populated by graduate students' and academics' kids to an affluent, conservative suburb when my younger daughter was in second grade. One of the problems she had: on the playground the girls stood around talking about styles and comparing clothing labels - in second grade those girls were well on their way to mastering the fundamentals of social status and economic hierarchy. What she wanted to do was play soccer but the boys wouldn't let her join their games because she was a girl. She complained that the girls were "stupid."
No, children are not stupid, nor oblivious. They are observant and pliable-some may argue, even biddable, under certain conditions and circumstances-irrespective of gender or background. Moreover, what I witnessed firsthand in the schoolyard 20 years ago, is still happening. One advantage of having this behavior happening in a non-litigious society though, is that the police are now routinely called to every witnessed incident -which school staff are professionally mandated to document and report (as are the students). Whereas, here, in the U.S.-mmm-not so much-lawsuits aside. Are girls today any meaner now than they used to be?. No, not really. ~R for a thought-provoking read.
I think this grappling for power is a human thing, a hardwired thing, but just who's doing the grappling and who gets to fling a spear is socially constructed. So, in some very basic way, people do suck. But they're also a lot of other things.
Stellaa: Yes, Hollywood just keep regurgitating the same old plot lines; the class narrative hasn't changed for decades, and it's stifling and insidious.
Bonnie: It's very true that kids sort themselves out, and they don't like everybody. Which makes me wonder anew whether we send exactly the wrong message in all our saccharine preschool songs about sharing and loving all your "friends." Kids figure out fast how to keep what they feel to themselves.
Bob: you're not off topic with the current women candidates. Keep watching how their smallest "snarky," "I don't bake cookies" remarks are dissected by the reigning pundits.
Safe_Bet: I do agree. When women get uppity, a whole lot more of them are suddenly seen as mean.
Harry's: I'm not sure if I think we're all meaner. Humans have a great capacity for cruelty and social ostracism. I'm thinking of all sorts of religious purges, the Inquisition, the Salem witch trials. And that's not even looking at a long string of coups and vicious wars.
To those of you who work with kids and have seen it all: Thank you.
That goes double for "Feminism" -- the giant middle-class PR campaign that has brought us Sarah Palin, Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman, all the FOX New Whores et. al. ad infinitum ad nausem.
"Mean Girls" doesn't come close. The real reference film is "Heathers"
That goes double for "Feminism" -- the giant middle-class PR campaign that has brought us Sarah Palin, Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman, all the FOX New Whores et. al. ad infinitum ad nausem."
David, it's always fascinating to watch a guy like you get in touch with your inner dipshit. Seriously.
I'm sorry that none of the girls in high school would go on a date with you or whatever made you such a misogynist asshat, but you really need to find a new way to deal with it other than sulking in you mom's basement writing bullshit on OS while you shove Twinkies in you mouth, ya know?
As for your REALLY amusing contention that Sarah Palin is a feminist, I'll leave you with a little video to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aJhKboibw8
(yeah, I know. They're both dykes and you hate dykes...*yawn*)
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re: this mean girls thing. Hmm... I have two teens, the second just leaving Middle School. A couple of years ago, I'd have said, Yeah, girls are Mean Mean Meaner than they used to be, etc. But now I'm concluding that it's just kids her age that are Mean Mean Meaner than they used to be.
Also, this instant media stuff - it's like catnip; it's like flinging gasoline on a fire. They have no Time to consider what they're doing, how it might hurt. And frankly, there's no real repercussions, are there? I drove my Dot 2 several towns over to (nicely) confront the mom, with whom I'd had a decent relationship a couple of years back, of a Dot who'd said horrid things to my Dot 2 in text message. I thought, If I don't do this, who will know? Who will care? I don't know if the mom ever dished out any punishment whatsoever. All I know is by the time we arrived home, Dot 2 had received a text from the offender, "Oh, hey, you know what I said earlier was just a joke, right?"
I suppose if I had the offender in a room and confronted her, reasonably, she'd have boo-hooed. And she might have even meant it. But it doesn't stop it from happening.
People are meaner. People are given more ammunition to act out their meanness.
We'll see what happens when gun control, such as it is, goes completely out the window.
And being the good Proustian I am, I LOVE dykes.
As for Caribou Barbie, Ross Douthat of the NYT claims she's a feminist. And being that he's a "Conservative" (whose Word is Law) who am I not to take him seriously?
It's not an inherent trait, it's a learned one. Society does not favor girls who openly compete. Society does not give girls approval for competing on anything other than looks and status. So the girls with the most looks and status hoard their power and wield it to eliminate anyone that might bring them competition - which is *never* other girls with looks and status. The most evil treatment is reserved for the 'different' --- the girls who are not competing on looks and status but still manage to catch the interest of boys. How can a beautiful girl with perfect clothing compete with a tattooed goth girl that recites Dante? By destroying her.
I was a child of the late 70s and 80s and we were MEAN. We had "fake fights" so that one girl would feel left out only to tell her later, "we were only kidding." We definitely understood economic class distinctions by who had the older hand-me-down clothes and who had the brand new stuff. We may not have figured out brands until mid-elementary school, but we knew what was "cool."
We also used very explicit insults. I think the main difference now is that they use the same insults, but more kids know what they mean... we just knew that it was mean, but didn't quite get what we were calling each other.
Also, parents are a lot more likely to get involved now to "protect" their children, which can actually just make things worse. I think we all spent a lot more time figuring it out amongst ourselves... although I will admit that we were there for the beginning of the school counselor as therpaist rather than guidance. Maybe if kids figured it out a little more on their own... learned how to stand up for themselves without the parents jumping in and essentially upping the ante. I'm just thinking out loud at this point...
I think teaching kids to deal with bullying would help. In Jr. High, I had some girls attempt to make be a victim. I didn't care enough for their opinion to worry about it. They quit, because I wasn't "fun."
My daughter, too, has no interest/patience with social hierarchies and who is in or out. She has friends who are the same.
My social group in HS was the "out" kids, which turned out to be 50% lesbian, even though in HS, they dated. I was a late bloomer sexually and not very interested in either sex. I wonder if our ostracism was due to subtle, not-quite-normal cues the other kids picked up on.
But, as I said, I didn't really care. I had enough friends and no desire to be friends with girls who didn't respect me or my friends.
Sandra: Yes, we learn how to be cruel, and girls know how to get to other girls. How do we stop it? That's my question. It's about civilizing the savages, in some ways, but if the savage behavior is learned from adults--and we do live in a savage sort of society--then adult intervention is not much help.
ggb: One irony here is that parental overprotectiveness and "help" may actually make the situation worse, especially because parents are so loathe to see their own precious babies as cruel little monsters. I'm not saying that parents should just look away; I think it requires honest engagement with and assessment of your child.
Collectively, we need to issue the message that teasing, hurtful, mean behavior is not OK. We need to stop laughing along when kids (on screen or in real life) throw clever insults at their peers or other adults. We all need to go to Divinity School, where we'll learn how to hold tight to our ideals and ethics yet understand the falleness of human nature, and the fact that kids and adults have a very hard time not hurting each other. Whew. I'm exhausted already. And I'm not kidding.
Apropos, my ex and I shared 50-50 custody of our 16 yr old daughter (I now have full custody). Since middle school we had been receiving calls regarding her behavior. She told a boy who wanted to be in her study group that she hated him because he was "gay and a loser." A girl sitting on a railing made a snide remark. My daughter pushed her and the girl fell injuring her knee. She threw sand in her ex-BF's face. Has sprayed perfume in the dog's eye. And she's kicked me (as has her mother).
I'm alarmed. The school counselor says I shouldn't be, "It's just a phase." Her psychiatrist tells me she suffers from "Explosive Anger Syndrome." Her mother poo-poos, "Those kids got just what they deserved." Therein lies the crux of my nature-nurture thesis. My ex has a volatile temper. Her most recent mean woman contretemps: she slapped a cop after the dry cleaner reported her for breaking their glass door (because her clothes were not ready). My daughter, taking her mother's side, told me, "Mom says you should never take any crap. From anybody. Ever. If they dish it out throw it back in their face. Twofold." My wife's family is prone to meanness.
I won't get into the therapy.All the heart-to-hearts. The times-out. Counting to ten. But I'm convinced my daughter's DNA is inclined to subscribe to her mother's ethos (meanness) as being reasonable and thus it follows that she sees her behavior as acceptable. She remains intransigent despite admonishments, penalties and revocation of privileges. I believe my daughter may be by nature and nurture a mean girl and she's victimizing others because of her meanness. Nature and nurture is a double whammy.
If only she were more like Molly Flannagan!
I'd hope you got your daughter to analyze whether or not her mother's outburst was productive. What happened to Mom? I bet she had to pay for the door, she may have had legal trouble. And did her clothes get done any sooner? Will she be going back to the same dry cleaner? Were the consequences of Mom's actions proportional to the problem?
With kids, you can't expect the kid to automatically agree with you. Your goal should be for her to start to question her beliefs, not to reject them immediately.
You probably want to try values clarification, as in, so preserving your image of don't-take-crap is more important than (the consequences of your action)? Then you could ask, how else might you have acted?
Kids were definitely picked on ten, twenty, fifty years ago. There have been mean girls and mean boys as long has there have been children. But previously, your home was a refuge (unless the meanie was your sibling). With technology, a reprieve is much harder to come by.
I went to a high school graduation last night for a dear friend of mine. The ceremony was good but before I could even get it I was visually assaulted, by young "ladies", I'm using that term very loosely at this point. I understand for a graduation most people are going to go out or party afterwards so there is a need to dress up slightly. But when selecting a dress I think girls need to pay more attention to the length and not just the length the cut as well. As I stood outside waiting for my friends with the tickets, a girl walked up in an adorable dress. It was black and white and as she walked up I though wow she looks very chic. Granted the dress was short for my taste but I thought it looked good. Until she passed and I saw a flash of some white granny panty underwear.
The problem is that she couldn't have even attempted to pull it down. It was at the end of its rope letting her butt be the crescendo to her ensemble. I couldn't believe it!. I mean if the "dress" is that short, that means its a . . . SHIRT!!!!!
No matter how cute you think it is, no matter how much they won't look as good to you with bottoms, that does not mean it is acceptable as a dress!!!
After that I decided to see how many girls were following along with this trend before I passed judgment on a whole generation as being oversexed enough to not care if I, or anyone else for that matter, can see their derrière in broad daylight with no chance of avoidance.
More and more girls arrived and low and behold PANTY FLASHINGS ENSUED!!! I could not believe it!! In fact when I was thinking that too many girls were having this problem and it couldn't get any worse, I sadly spotted a girl who was not wearing panties but rather SPANX!!! I've got nothing against Spanx but seriously if you are conscious enough to wear something to slim your appearance wouldn't you not want to advertise the fact that you're wearing it!!!!
Frankly the only time and place for this sort of attire would be if your profession involved a lot of walking in the night hours in a shady area. Yet I was at a high school graduation on a Saturday night at 7pm. What's even worse is that I could tell 70% of the girls sporting this look were "minors". Maybe as minors they need some direction from gee, I don't know, parents/guardians???!?!??!?!
The only way I would think it could be cute, intentional, and passable in my book is if it were part of a swimming ensemble or some cute babydoll PJ set.
Don't get me wrong I'm totally a fan of the miniskirt and minidress I think they are adorable. But if you're going to wear them consider the cut!!! Don't try to wear a 5 inch skirt that's cut so full the wind from a fly's wings will blow it up!
Hopefully we can de-skankify the next gen after this one. Maybe they'll learn through pop culture that Celebs may get away with this sort of thing but most people don't want to see those things on a day-to-day level.
Enough on that rant and rave for now. I'm starting to go into shock. I may need some form of a PTSD treatment now.
If the parent's bond with the child is severed or disturbed by parental absence or instability, or by too much stress in school particularly from other ruined children, then that child will become either a victim or a perpetrator.
It is quite a simple dynamic. Over-stressed or damaged parents damage their children who grow up to damage us all.