Make no mistake, I'm experiencing the mother of all boredom attacks.
I can't remember when my life has felt this dull. With all the things I love to do--write, paint, make music, dance, bike--you'd think something would catch my interest. But nope. I got nuthin'. I don't even feel like watching TV shows about serial killers. Can you imagine?
I fully suspect that my problem is that I miss the Vicodin. I switched to MSContin as a pain reliever a week or two ago, and while it's an opiate, it's a boring opiate in that it doesn't make you even a little high. It helps the pain somewhat, but who cares? So did the Vicodin. What I need here is to medicate MY REALITY, not just the chronic pain in my jaw. I need to alter my world with drugs. Period.
One interesting thing that did happen today was that I got a pain attack, but in not having any Vicodin, I couldn't escape the emotional panic that always ensues, and I got really really pissed off. I mean, what am I supposed to to with that? Just sit around and be miserable?
I gave in to drinking a glass of wine, thinking that would help me escape, but you know what? Drinking bores me. I was so worried the other day that in replacing pills with alcohol that I'd become an alcoholic, but I've no fear of that anymore. Alcohol only increases my boredom and gives me an acid stomach, the latter of which is not interesting at all.
Sometimes Vicodin would make me vomit, and that was mildly interesting, but indigestion registers high on the boredom scale. Plus, alcohol does nothing for the pain. It does make me want to smoke, and that's a little entertaining, but only for 90 seconds or so.
About halfway through the cig, I get bored and put it out, which considering the cost of these things is just crazy. Then again, they're SO expensive that there might actually be a market for half-smoked cigarettes, but I'm too bored to consider new business propositions.
I want my Vicodin...it's that simple. Like a baby who gets her bottle taken away, I'm throwing a temper tantrum, but not in a way that's melodramatic or even amusing.
I'm not breaking things or yelling at anyone. I'm not running into bad neighborhoods looking "to score" nor am I prostituting myself for drugs, which would be an unwise business move anyway considering how flat-chested I am. I'm just pining away for that pillow-soft world that Vicodin brings.
What's not boring but instead irritating right now are these constant helicopters making a racket above my apartment house. I live on the banks of the Hudson River, across from NYC, where there was that plane/helicopter collision two days ago. They're still looking for bodies.
My "in the know" pal in Hoboken here says they just found two bodies in the river that had nothing to do with the crash. Such typical Jersey stuff. He's a shady character. Maybe he has some Vicodin.
I don't need to do that, though. If I want Vicodin, I know my doctor would give it to me if I asked, as he has compassion for this pain mess I'm in. But I also know that would be a step backwards. Right now, I just have to put one boring foot in front of another boring foot, and walk this boring path into a new world that from here looks totally boring.
Lemme see if any serial killers are on TV.
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Comments
is your drawing board.
nice realizations happening. i suspect a good journey has begun.
Thanks again for sharing this journey with me.
RATED
Tayler and Suzie--Thank you for your encouraging words about my boredom. I'm happy to say that it passed, as soon as I opened my mailbox today and got a nice fat check from a delinquent freelance account!
And don't worry Suzi. IN NO WAY will I be writing a novel soon. Sounds like YOU might be tearing your hair out, though. I'll check your blog to see what you're up to. :)
Coming from an alcoholic family, my biggest fear for decades is that I would become an active alcoholic. I am hitting my mid-40's and so far, NADA. So I totally get your fears on that score.
Right now, your observations are all you've got. But observing your observations is enough to keep you mentally alert. Peeling the onion, so to speak. Especially telling is the anger, I think. If it were me, I would ask myself what I am angry about. Because it almost never is about the trigger thing, what appears to make me angry. After I am "triggered" to anger, I observe the anger and ask myself where it came from and what it is about. And sometimes the answer wells up right away, and sometimes I have to make a few connections, which may take a day or more. At times I write it out. But the anger for me is not about the addiction, or being denied the addiction. Because the fog is clearing I can know what I am REALLY pissed off about! And of course, compassion needs to be applied liberally at all these stages of the onion-peeling process.
I had Vicodin once after surgery. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I loved the experience. I'm not saying I'm not an addict, but apparently I'm not addicted to Vicodin (though I certainly could be!). After two days and a dozen tablets of glorious use, I became a little scared of the high and got rid of the remaining 20 pills.
I still remember the experience both fondly and fearfully.
You writing about boredom was anything but boring to me!
Dave--Yes, boredom sucks!!! And Vicodin doesn't! :) I suppose we get mad when any of our "highs" are denied us, like when someone breaks up with you, or when a dear friend moves away, or our pet dies. OR WHEN OUR VICODIN IS GONE! lol! Thanks for sharing such honesty with me.
And Berg, in my own case of boredom here, it wasn't at all peaceful. It's passed somewhat as I write this, but it was prickly and irritating, which is so very different from peace. Peace is what I want, baby! Thanks for the lovely thought.
Good luck.
My chronic pain is due to a jawbone infection that, according to medical literature, is extremely difficult to treat and cure. My entire blog here is dedicated to this journey. The infection actually stems from a rare blood clotting disorder, which has caused enormous complications.
I did indeed try acupuncture for the pain, but it would only help for a few hours or so, and I couldn't justify the costs considering so little benefit. And as for Chinese herbs, I can't take them because I'm on coumadin, a blood thinner. My acupuncturist knows that I simply can't take them.
That said, acupuncture and herbs have worked wonders for me in the past for certain conditions, but unfortunately, this isn't one of them.
Again, thank you for your kind comments.