It's been over a month since my last post. During this time, my dad had a heart attack, which required a week in the hospital, then quadruple bypass surgery, which required another week, and now rehab, where he's been for seven days and will be there for seven more.

To call… Read full post »

During the past few weeks or so, I've noticed that on some mornings, I've been waking in a state of depression, which is a bit alarming as I know all too well just how devastating a full-blown clinical depression can be.

Obviously, I'm struggling deeply with the wear of chronic physical…

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I've so had it. I try to stay positive, try to be hopeful, try to think of the bigger picture, but in all honesty, today I'm fed up.

I haven't written here in awhile simply because of the malaise of chronic pain. I actually had a decent summer pain-wise, and after my… Read full post »

To my new OS pals:

When I signed up for OS, I didn't read the Terms of Service (TOS), but my friend Joe did and alerted me promptly. The language is downright scary! It basically says that everything we write is automatically licensed to OS, which OS can use as it… Read full post »

It caught me completely off guard. On Wednesday I was walking down Washington Street, a main shopping avenue here in Hoboken, and I was suddenly overcome by what I can only describe as a deep sense of peace.

The night before I did some jaw exercises, which mysteriously alleviated the pain…

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Make no mistake, I'm experiencing the mother of all boredom attacks.

I can't remember when my life has felt this dull. With all the things I love to do--write, paint, make music, dance, bike--you'd think something would catch my interest. But nope. I got nuthin'. I don't even feel like watching TV… Read full post »

The pain is overwhelming today. I thought I was really onto something with my last post, and maybe I am, but that doesn't console me right now.

Pain like this is ruthless, brutal, cruel. A few days ago I was on top of the world, which makes this crash all the harsher.

It's…

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I awoke this morning with an aching emptiness, as I knew this was a day that I was going to take a much harder look at myself, without the crutch of abusive substances.

What's been a little disturbing lately is my glass of wine in late afternoon, after my day is pretty… Read full post »

Well, Open Salon has done it again. In my darkest hour, I poured my heart out in a post, feeling somewhat guilty for expressing such a bleak mood concerning the bleak circumstances of my life, yet instead of chastisement (which at this stage of my life I still fear), OSers opened…

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It's been a little over a year since I wrote my History Repeating post about the plague that engulfed Europe in 1347. Like a number of essays on this blog, it was inspired by a show on the History Channel, which just happened to air again yesterday.

I was just as fascinated…

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My friend Perry Norton sent me an exquisite poem on Valentine's Day as a source of comfort and inspiration. Perry owns her own voiceover company, so be sure to pay her a visit.


YOU SEE I WANT A LOT by Rainer Maria Rilke

You see, I want a lot.
Perhaps I want…

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I was procrastinating on Saturday, as usual, so when I went to pick up my pain medication at the pharmacy across the street, I found that they'd closed a little early, and I was absolutely freaked that I wouldn't have enough meds for the following day, yesterday (Sunday).

For someone in chronic…

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I think I'm losing it. Seriously. The pain level has mysteriously upped a few notches, and I'm just beside myself.

I got up at around 4 a.m. to go to bed (my cat woke me up from the couch) and it struck me while walking to the bathroom that my whole life…

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Something remarkable happened this week, and I'm almost superstitious about reporting it.

I had an insight, which was this: How I feel about this pain, every single experience I have of it, precisely repeats how I felt in my childhood. The pattern is almost an exact recreation of the players and the…

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I'm trying to get Open Salon to accept my feed, so that whatever I post in my Blogger account will automatically be posted here.

Each time I enter the feed URL, I get a message saying that Salon could not retrieve the feed.

Has anyone else had trouble with this, and… Read full post »

I've been reading a lot about Buddhism lately and I like it. It doesn't mince words. The very first thing Buddha teaches is that "life is suffering," and the religion basically goes on from there. What a concept. I suppose it's not surprising that I'm drawn to a religion that takes…

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Sometimes I think this illness is just a waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of potential, until I remind myself that as long as I keep up this journal, none of the journey is wasted, particularly if it can help another person.

It ain't easy, though. And it's…

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I have a piece of paper taped to my wall next to my drawing desk, on which I long ago scribbled the definition of chaos theory: "The more complex the pattern, the simpler the underlying reality."

I heard it on TV once, and I read it often, as science and the human…

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Part I of the Whole Story

I'm beginning to wonder what it's like NOT to suffer. I honestly can't believe that I haven't yet gone stark raving mad.

Wait...back up a bit. I actually DID go nuts in 2004 and ended up in a psychiatric facility. Oh, brother. Who'da thunk? I was SO/…

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It would seem impossible that I could live a life without painkillers at this moment. This morning was a bad one that required one morphine pill, a Xanax and three Vicodins to get the pain to a somewhat bearable level, but I can no longer stand what these medications are doing… Read full post »

This is my first post of the new year, 2009. As I'm still achy from this flu, I snuggled on the couch this morning and was lucky enough to stumble upon the film Rocky and watch it in its entirety.

As Sylvester Stallone's career took such a bizarre, unexpected and disappointing turn…

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Today is one of those days when my vitality, my life force, is just so low. I'm so worn out by the pain and the pills that I have little motivation to do anything--even the basics, like paying bills and grocery shopping. It all has to get done today...it HAS to…

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I'll try anything to get out of pain. I read recently that cannabis can be a great pain reliever and that it opens up our capillaries, both of which sounded good to me, so I visited a trusted pal who swears by the ways of the weed, and proceeded to take…

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A shot of Senator Robert Menendez and me in my studio at the 2008 Hoboken Artist Studio Tour. That guy wasn't going to get out of my studio without me grabbing a snap of us together! :)

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Spoiler alert: While I don't say what happens in The Wrestler in the following post, I do talk about insights and personal conclusions, so read at your own risk!

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Friends and family are noticing something different about me, and I notice it, too. I feel…

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