From that day in 1952, I have been a feminist. Betty Friedan's The Feminist Mystique was publsihed when I was a freshman in college. I agreed with most of Friedan's arguments; I did not need to have my consciousness raised. My mother was the oldest of five brothers; her four youngest brothrs are closer to me in age than to her. I am the oldest of five brothers. I have four daughters, three granddaughters, and one grandson.
Sister Paula Anne was a misogynist. But I too struggle greatly with my own misogyny. I was much more comfortable being the only woman in my political science classes at Fordham (1964 to 1967) than attending all-women Catholic Nazareth College of Rochester in my freshman year (1963). I convinced my parents to let me transfer after the dean told me Nazareth didn't have a debate club, "because the nature of women makes it inappropriate to debate with men." At Nazareth, I felt like a stranger in a strange land. My friends and I stayed up all night having a heated political debate; many of the girls on the floor were furious at us for gossiping about them all night. I loved being told, "you think like a man."
I credit my 5 younger brothers and 4 young uncles for my comfort with men. I am far more confident that men will like me than women will. I don't do tact (not news to any of my readers). If I see a group of 5 men at a party, I know they need me:) I don't do shoes, don't want to talk about fashion, diet, and makup. I am not fighting gray hair or wrinkles, probably because my 16-year-younger husband and I have a wonderful sex life. I haven't yet found out if I could be close friends with a woman who had been botoxed. Women's fashion magazines appall me.
Misandry, hatred and disdain for men in general, is probably the most underused word in political debate. What reception would a man get if he accused women of being misandrists? I have always loathed knee-jerk male-bashing and defended men against stereotyping. So many TV programs portray men as bumbling idiots and clueless dads.
Misogyny and misandry are equally sexist. Women can be just as guilty of sexism as men. When people complained during the election that Obama isn't tough enough, or nasty enough, they were being sexist. The glorification of the macho man is sexist. The idea that little boys can't cry or wear pink or play with dolls is sexist. The denial that fathers are just as loving, nurturing parents as women is sexist. Depriving devoted dads of joint custody and visitation rights is sexist. Questioning the masculinity of a man who stays home and cares for his children is sexist. Expectations that daughters are better qualified to care for aging parents are sexist.
Spending two years with my grandson Michael, I have recaptured many memories of my youngest brothers, 11 and 13 years younger, as little boys. I remember their tenderness, sensitivity, gentleness. Yet, five years ago, even when we were all keeping watch at my mother's deathbed at home for a week, only one of my brothers cried openly. His four brothers in another room assumed it was me. I could count on two hands the number of times I have seen my dad, my adult brothers, or my two husbands cry. Yet, until tears are shamed out of them, little boys cry as much as little girls.
Sexism underpins our whole glorification of war and violence. It cannot possibly be defeated in one generation. All of human history is not changed quite so quickly. Taking care of Michael, I am conscious that little boys possibly suffer more from sexism than little girls. When a girl shows interest in traditionally masculine activities, it is often seen as upward mobility. When a boy shows interest in girlie things, people start wondering if he is gay. Older men in the elevator were grumbling about his hair length before he was 18 months old.
Even I hesitated to buy Michael this pink doll stroller, even though it was the only one I could find. His dad's feminism overcame his guy knee-jerk reaction. About 12 kids, mostly boys, borrowed it in the playground the first day.
All of us are crippled by sexist attitudes. Preschools and elementary schools are a better match for most girls. Boys too often wind up on medication so they can conform to classroom rules and expectations. The idea that boys can't be babysitters or men can't be daycare, kindergarten, and grade school teachers is disgustingly sexist. Home health agencies find it unimaginable that a client might want a guy to care for their aging mother. The idea that every man is a potential rapist or sexual predator is hideously sexist. Admtittedly Michael will probably be a much better babysitter than my brother 18 months younger. who led his charges out on the roof the only time my parents trusted him to babysit:)
My brother is a grade school teacher in Maine. Male teachers of young children feel like everyone regards them as potential child molesters.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.men comprise:
- 5.4 % of Child Care Workers
- 8.5 % of Teacher Assistants
- 2.7 % of Preschool and Kindergarten Teachers
What are we teaching our children about sex roles. Have you used male babysitters? When did your child first have a male teacher? Has your child ever asked you why there are no male teachers in his day care center or grade school? Would your brother or son consider a career in early childhood education?
I believe that only when men participate equally in the care of young children will sexism be modified. Otherwise, men tend to see all women as the all-powerful mother of infancy. In the 70s we dreamed of a society where men and women would share equally in childrearing, not of a society where poorer women would take care of more affluent parent's children. The second feminist movement began in the late 60s. Why are men in their teens and twenties misogynists? Are feminists raising their sons to be misogynists? Nonsexist childrearing was an obsession with me and my friends in the 70s. Now I can't find any books about it; my favorite books are all out of print. If I step into Buy, Buy Baby, I chance drowning in a sea of pink and blue.
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Comments
I am a knee jerk liberal anti-patriarchal, nonlinear-thinking feminist man, since the 70's, dude! but I also notice that nothing fits, exactly, and no one has a righteous corner on any of it. Thanks for this realistic stand for feminism, fairness and clarity.
When women are devalued, it's only natural to want to hang out with the men, who are often allowed to have more fun anyway.
Greg, I love your description. I too am a knee jerk liberal anti-patriarchal, nonlinear-thinking feminist. Your daughter is as beautiful as mine are:)
It is muddled and confusing. Struggling to understand my daughters' choices about work and children, I realize how inadequate my ideas and experiences from the 70s and 80s are. Nothing does fit.
I have three granddaughters under 15 months. I don't envy my daughters; I think it is more difficult to raise feminist daughters now than when they were children.
Welcome New Number Two and thanks for the kind words. I just discovered your blog and look forward to being a regular reader.
Bonnie, thanks for starting this. My New Year's Resolution is to cook more, use take out less. I spent the whole day rearranging my kitchen, and only discovered this exciting discussion this evening. Long ago, I decided that people don't change, but rearranging rooms and furniture can help:)
Last May a group of us started a group blog called Mary Wollstonecraft, specifically dedicated to these issues. I urge you all to take a look and consider being regular posters. Or at least give me permission to repost your favorite writing on these subjects.
http://open.salon.com/blog/marywollstonecraft
I have always been upset how quickly outstanding posts disappear after the initial reaction. Since Mary Wollstonecraft concentrates on one issue, I hope people who discover it will read back posts.
Sixtycandles, now I mostly hang out with the women under the age of 36 (my oldest daughter). When I watch my grandchildren in the New York City playgrounds, I regret there are not more men to hang out with.
I wish I were related to more grown men who cry. In my male dominated household, I grew up ashamed to cry; crying was only done in my room. Because my mother grew up in a male dominated household, she almost never cried either. Toddler boys who fall down in playgrounds or have their toy snatched from them are still being told to be a big boy and not cry.
Robin, it's good to see you. I am relieved I am getting a positive response.
My mother did a very good job raising feminist sons who do their share of housework and cooking. Ironically, I would have done a far better job with my sons than I did with my daughters, whom I didn't want to oppress:)
I confess my title was meant to be provocative. Many feminist friends struggled very hard to raise feminist sons and mostly succeeded.
I try very hard to not demonstrate sexism towards my (or anyone else's) children.
This is an interesting post!
I confess I hesitated momentarily when Michael's requested to try my lipstick. We spent several hours admiring the contents of mine and my mom's old jewelry boxes and playing with scarves and old hats. His dad is a grant writer for the largest domestic violence agency in New York State, so I am absolutely confident Michael will be a feminist.
~R
"Older men in the elevator were grumbling about his hair length before he was 18 months old."
Last week my 5 year old decided it was time to cut his hair after years of teasing by other BOYS. His hair was long and beautiful and reached his lower back. He loved it long like his Daddy's, but grew weary of defending his choice.
thanks for this.
I said, "Funny because I brought up the same subject to a couple who are good pals, pals Frankie and Ginger." (Both of which she knows as well, colleagues all) he and she were also were considering that subject. I will pass you article on to them tomorrow when we meet again for lunch.
My dear brother is a biologist who started out teaching school. But he quit. When questioned as to why, he said that there is too much danger of being accused of sexual misconduct for a male teacher. Red, I adore you and thank you for your addrssing of these issues. I am an old woman (about your age, I suspect) and as a bareback rider of my Monkey Mind, I get sick all over when I think about the whole situation. Which is why I don't write about it much. Love, Penrose