This post was inspired by Kat C's Last Names and Marriage.
Mary Nolan Koch
Because my dad was a World War II veteran, both my parents are buried at Calverton, a military cemetery, on Eastern Long Island. When I was at Calverton for my aunt's funeral in 2005, a year after my mom died, I visited my mom's and dad's graves. I was perturbed to see mom's gravestone inscribed as Mary Nolan, because I had misremembered that she wanted Mary Nolan Koch, the name she had used since her marriage in 1944.
I hunted through her correspondence and found the following letter sent to the Veterans Administration in Washington, a year after my father's death in 1987.
Feb. 5, 1988
Dear Sir,
On May 11, 1987, my husband, Joseph J. Koch, an Army veteran of World War II, was buried in the Calverton National Cemetery on Long Island, NY, gravesite 8179.
It is my understanding that gravesite 8180 has been reserved for me, his wife. When I recently visited the cemetery I was disturbed to note that the wives of veterans were only identified by their first name. To me that is sex discrimination.
Although I accepted my husband's name at marriage, I still consider myself as Mary Nolan and would wish to be so identified on a name plaque making my grave. Is there any reason why your policy could not be updated?
Yours truly,
Mary Nolan Koch
Subsequent correspondence showed the VA changed their policy and accepted her wishes. I feel rather sheepish about my first reaction. Bravo, Mary Nolan, a feminist ahead of her time! We were allowed to add an additional line, so we added mother, teacher, activist.
Family decisions on maiden names fascinate me. A fervent feminist, I still took my husband's name when I married in 1968 after much inner turmoil. Hawkins was a proper English name; Koch lent itself to too many embarrassing mispronunciations. My best friend called me Kochie. When I went back to school and work in 1987 after 14 years of full-time motherhood, I reverted to Koch. My master's degrees in library science and social work are under Koch. I identify myself as a blogger as Mary Jo Koch when I am not hiding behind Redstocking Grandma.
However, when I remarried in 2001, I took the name of my new English husband with whom I was, and still am, madly in love. He had given up home, friends, job, family, country to move from London to New York to marry me. I also wanted to shed Mary Jo Koch's flamboyant reputation in the staid Nassau Library System.
Two daughters, successful professional women, surprised us by taking their husbands' even more English names when they married. The one whose husband's name was not Waspish kept her original name. Apparently, the Waspish name trumps. Two of my nieces have kept their maiden names; one is a doctor, one is a corporate VP. However, all the children of the new generation have their fathers' names. That is the perplexing dilemma. In keeping your original name, you wind up having a different name than your children.
No babies I know have taken their mother's maiden name. I have never known a couple that took the wife's name as their joint name. In a nonsexist world, both would happen more frequently.
Three of my sisters-in-law kept the maiden names. One brother and his former wife made up a new name that combined elements of both their names. After they divorced, both of them, my brother's new wife, and their children kept the merged name. I don't know anyone else who chose that sensible sollution.
What did you or your spouse decide? What do you anticipate your sons and daughters will do? Are your feminist credentials invalidated if you take your husband's name?
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
V.Corso
Gerald Andersen
Piper Hoffman
jlsathre
podunkmarte
Jimmy Zuma
Salon.com
Comments
Oh shit. Now what's that going to do to my feminist credentials?
Obtusely- and in character- I'd probably advise my daughter to keep her own name. More obtusely I'd probably, if I'd been grown up, have chosen to keep my own name. I was a journalist. It would have been nice to have my family name as my by-line. Now it's too late. I think I'll concentrate on something else. See above. And if the feminist police come for me I will confront them in the same way I'd confront any other form of authoritarian policing. I come from South Africa. I've had practice.
Gail, I agree it is absurd to see this as a feminist question. My daughter (writer and lawyer) who kept her own name used to say that she is the only one she knows who made that choice and intends to have children. (But two of her cousins have proved her wrong.)
There is no rhyme or reason to the choices of my daughter's generation. Those who chose their husband's names are no less well educated or professionally successful. They are so secure in their profession that they do not worry about losing their identity. The choice does seem to be influenced by what most people would consider the more desirable last name:)
I think it depends on how you envision your name. I see it as mine more than my father's, so I doubt I would change it IF I married. (Some who don't believe in changing names say, "But it is your father's name anyway? Why not take your husband's?")
I have never even been close to marriage yet. I may never have to decide.
Joan, I always assumed my daughters would keep their own names. In the first year of their marriage, they identified themselves as first name/own name/married name, but that made their name absurdly long. One daughter sound like a New England law firm. Gradually their own name disappeared.
Kat C, I too object to "maiden name," but could not figure out what to substitute. I guess birth name might do. "Own" name is too judgmental.
Women a generation older than I often prefer letters and cards to be addressed to "Mrs. (husband's full name) and observe that etiquette in addressing their own letters and cards. When my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law lamented, does that mean I can't be "Mrs. Peter xxxxx" anymore? We all remember to respect her wishes.
Since I was using Mary Jo Koch when my first marriage ended in divorce in 1996, I didn't have to decide if I wanted to continue using the same last name as my children.
the only drawback is my paintings. how to sign them. I think I'll go with the new name. and if I can, the old name too. maybe my mom's maiden name which was her mother's name. (grandma did not marry in her lifetime) (that we know of anyway)
lots of names. why not?
I haven't had to make those choices but my mom did something interesting. When she divorced my dad she kept his last name even after she remarried somebody new. She said it was very important to her that she & I had the same last name. Her new husband was less than thrilled, but accepted it.
The closest I came to getting married was with a guy who had a very English surname. I'm not English. I'm a mongrel, but more German than anything else. I was raised in an area almost entirely settled by German immigrants. We ate (really bad) sauerkraut and bratwurst every Thursday in the school cafeteria. We celebrated St. Nicholas Day. All of my childhood friends had comically Teutonic surnames that no one from outside that community can pronounce (Greiwe, Schmalenberg, Deiwert, Schitlkoette).
Being "Leeandra Marie Somethingwaspy" just seemed...wrong.
Our biological children have my husband's last name, which was a conscious choice made for reasons that were logical at the time. Neither has expressed any discomfort with that. Our adopted and foster children have names all over the map, and it's never seemed to be a problem.
I just can't say that it's ever been an issue, but I don't think it would have been an issue if I'd taken his name either. He wouldn't have assumed that conferred ownership or power, and we really wouldn't have cared what anyone else assumed.
I have always been conscious that my maiden name is my father's name. I always felt closer to my mom's family--Nolan. My grandma's name was Mary King, and I originally used that as my login. Her mother's name was Mary Kearney. My daughters' generation is the first to break the family tradition of using the same names over and over again. My four grandkids and my 5 great nieces and nephews have names not used in geneations, if ever.
LadyMiko, thanks for the kind words.
WalkAway Happy, this is one of my favorite pictures of my
mom, scanned from a 1944 slide. The focus is somewhat blurry, but the colors are wonderful.
Carolina, I was so impressed with my mom's letter. There were many subsequent ones; she waged a long crusade to get them to change their policy. Her obituary described her as trailblazer. Activist is too mild a description, but there was no room for trailblazer.
AtHomePilgrim, my youngest daughter who will be married in August is a brand new high school teacher. She gives the same reason as Mrs. P for planning to take her future husband's name, although his is less Waspy than hers:)
Eden, theoretically I agree with you. In day-to-day life, I have made different decisions. Should my name have been Mary Jo Nolan, after my mother?
Leeandra, part of my willingness to take my husbands' longer names is that Mary Joan Koch is too symmetrical, each with only 4 letters. I am ¾ Irish and ¼ German, so Koch never felt entirely right.
Aunt Mabel, it is just as well you didn't become Robyn Bird. No one has to decide either/or.
JulieGeek I have known lot of women who keep their original name professionally, but use their married name socially. That is what I had expected my daughters to do. I am doing that as a blogger.
v. seijo, thanks for the excellent description of what happens in Spanish-speaking countries. I have been confused. I like it that a child has both his father's and mother's last names. When I went back to my original name after 19 years of marriage, I was particularly touched that my husband's mother always addressed me by my maiden name. The school system acted like no one had ever retained their maiden name in the history of the town. Sometimes they overcompensated, and my husband would get mail addressed to Christopher Koch.
High Lonesome, you write: "I just can't say that it's ever been an issue, but I don't think it would have been an issue if I'd taken his name either. He wouldn't have assumed that conferred ownership or power, and we really wouldn't have cared what anyone else assumed." I think you are exactly right.
Second husband came along and all the vows went through the windows, esp. keeping my maiden name. It was the only thing he asked for and he told me that when I get published, it'll be under my maiden name. But since his first wife never took on his last name, he wanted to have someone to have his last name. So I did change it for love.
However, this is fun. One of my sons wants to take on my maiden name (he's only 7 now) and if he still is of the same mind when he's 18, he will be changing his last name to my maiden name. And the ironic part is that my husband fully supports this. Go figure.
I love both my names, but please do not ever call me by Mrs. .... because that's reserved for my MIL and it's hers only. ;o)
R
My own children will bear my hyphenated last name, and I truly am not invested in what they choose to do when they marry. I cannot imagine what my daughters (if I have any) will do. Will they add their husband's name to theirs? K-W-? Somehow I think not.
My parents have been silent on the topic, although my in-laws have never accepted that I am not "Mrs. S. W." I never have been. I never will be. I do not hide my identity within my husband's; I have my own life and my own identity.
Sometimes I think I chose the most difficult option, by hyphenating.
Second marriage - made my maiden name my middle name, took his. It's just easier - and I am now closer to the front of the line, alphabetically.
I am very curious what your son decides to do w hen he is 18. I too have never wanted to be called Mrs. That has always felt like my husbands' mothers. When I did use my maiden name from 1987 to 2001, patrons at the library and my social worker clients tended to call me Mrs. Koch because they knew I had children. Mrs. Koch was my mom, but I didn't correct them.
AshKW, I suspect I would have chosen a hyphenated name if the names were compatible. I wonder what happens though when two people with hyphenated names marry each other.
Cominghome, why was the hyphenated name such a pain in the butt? Neither of my married names changed my position on the line significantly.
This was one of the factors in my decision to change my last name. I struggled with the decision for a long time. The choice we made is that we both have my maiden name as our middle names. We are David Glover DeRosa and Gwendolyn Glover DeRosa. I don't like hyphenated names. Also, I will publish under my maiden name.
I think it's a difficult decision to make. The trend was hyphenated names, but that leads to many complications. I think that there should be a visible change because two people are joining their lives together and possibly creating a new family together.
There are some couples who change their name altogether or create a joint name. We thought of DeLover...Heehee.
I think every couple needs to decide what is right for them. What describes their union best.
It is interesting that some couples agonize over this decisions and others are very casual about it. How a couple decides this issue doesn't seem to say anything particular about their marriage. I feel both people should feel comfortable with their choice, not feel pressured into it by either extended family or spouse.
Among those taking their husbands' names are many high achievers who certainly had a strong professional reputation under their original name. They seem confident that changing their names will not affect their careers.
Caveat - I have always known that I would not have children of my own. Were there children involved, I don't know what I'd do. But I do love all of the different solutions here!
One of my aunts kept her maiden name, and both of her children received their mother's name. My uncle's name was three words, which may have had something to do with it, but I don't know f0r sure!