This is from a graduate school paper on child development I wrote in 1977, when Emmawas 4 and Rosalind was 2.

I am still realizing to what extent the mother I am is shaped by the child I am mothering. When I had only one child, I congratulated myself for all of Emma's superior qualities and blamed myself for her troublesome ones. Since I've had 2 children, I've become remarkably more tolerant of other mothers and of myself. I've also grown to understand why my mom, after mothering 6 kids,  being a big sister to 5 brothers and 2 sisters, has always been skeptical of childrearing theories.

Since I belong to a unique Chelsea community where young parents support each other through babysitting cooperatives, cooperative playgroups and nursery schools, and mothers' support groups, I've had the chance to observe many children of similar ages interact with their parents. When I first moved here when Emma was 17 months, I was quick to correlate the children's characteristics with their parents' childrearing practices. Now I am humbly aware of how infinitely complex the whole question is.

The only dramatic change in our lives beween Emma's and Rosalind's births was our move to Chelsea from the Upper West Side. We still lived on a high floor in an apartment with a terrace and spectacular views. Although I was still at home full-time and their dad was gone from 8 to 6, their day-to-day routine was completely different. When Emma was born, none of my friends had children. To relieve my isolation I often visited  my parents, my in-laws, and their teenage kids on Long Island. As a result, Anne spent far more time with adults and teenagers than with children.

When Rosalind was born, I was immersed in Emma's playgroup, with daily contact with 10 familes and their 2-year-olds.  From the time she was a week old, Rosalind thrived on   the stimulation-bedlam of young kids. Playing with baby Rosalind was playgroup's surefire activity when all else failed. On the other hand, I seldom visited Long Island; our parents and sibs came to visit us.Rosalind's comings and goings are always tied to Anne's schedules. A friend commented that Rosalind's cheeks was hurt from smiling so much, and I have always longed to bottle her irresistible laugh.

In addition to having different daily routines, they had a different mother. After Emma's birth, I still was a free-lance editor.  I kept wrestling with combining motherhood with my editing career. I almost accepted a 20-hour a week editing job when Emmawas 9 months. By the time Rosalind was born, I had wholeheartedly renounced publishing and was fully committed to full-time motherhood when my children were small. I had chosen working with young children and their parents as my future career.

My expectations for myself and my baby had been transformed by what I experienced and by how I had grown during Emma's infancy. I was far freer to respond to my emotions and intuitions about Rosalind instead of letting books negate my own instincts.  I had gained confidence in my own style of mothering and was no longer so swayed by "expert" opinion or my prior expectations of what kind of mother I should be. I was much more relaxed about introducing solids, long-term nursing, the family bed.

Emma was as much as part of Rosalind's life as my husband and I were. Unless Emma  was asleep, she was almost always in the same room when I nursed or played with Michelle. As soon as Rosalind could reliably sit up, we bathed them together. Since Rosalind was 8 months old, they've amicably shared the same room. I successfully diminished Emma's jealousy by involving her in every way possible in Michelle's care. I always read to Emma when I was nursing Michelle, since she hated playing in her bedroom by herself. It was not surprising that Rosalind's favorite book was Wind in the Willows when she was only 3.

At 2, Rosalind's social skills are far more sophisticated than Emma's were at 2 when she became a big sister.. Sometimes Rosalind  stays at Emma's cooperative nursery school when I am the helping mommy. She knows all the children's names, interacts warmly with them, participates fully in painting, block building, clay, water play, and dress up. She manages surprisingly well at meeting time and story time. She needs to establish eye contact with me fairly often, but she leaves me free to interact with the other children.

At home she holds her own with her high-powered sister very well. As I observe her avoiding no-win confrontations with Anne, I try to imitate her skillful mixture of unmistakable self-assertion and judicious compromise. As Rosalind chortles, "even Emma  loves me."