There was a time, back in the day, when abortion was illegal in the United States of America.
I vaguely remember the first time I learned about abortion. I was a young girl and I was horrified. I was raised to be a good Catholic girl and quite frankly, I can’t remember if my being appalled by this procedure was because of the way it was explained to me or if it was because it was the feeling that came from the core of a pure heart who couldn’t fathom the idea of someone deliberating ending what I considered to be a life.
I was unmovable in my beliefs. The year was 1969 and the legalization of abortion was a hot issue…an issue that was tearing apart families and friends. I went to a Catholic all girl’s high school and to my dismay, most of my girlfriends were pro-choice. How could this be?
I would passionately and vigorously debate the issue of abortion, despite the unchanged minds of my classmates. I was sure that our government would never let a law pass that would kill innocent human beings. In 1973, it did.
I became a born again Christian at the age of 19. Among my born again friends, I found camaraderie among my fellow fanatics. The “world” was ill informed and lost in its self-centered and sinful ways.
I did what any good Christian/Catholic girl does. I got married at the age of 23. 4 years later, my husband and I started our family and I had 4 children in under 6 years (believe it or not, I did believe in birth control. Let’s just say I’ve been blessed with fertility despite all odds).
When my children were young and the demands were great, I needed some outside interaction. I joined a pro-life group and became their Public Relations Director. The group was not political in nature and had no agenda about changing the abortion laws. Our services offered women free pregnancy tests (this was before the day where you could buy pregnancy tests at the local grocery store). If the test was positive, we offered the woman practical and emotional support if they chose to carry their pregnancies to term.
I worked in a small office near the campus of the University of Colorado. We had a large demand for our services from the young women who attended the college. Many women were mortified to find out they were pregnant and were adamant about getting an abortion.
I didn’t have a spiel to dissuade them. When they would ask me where they could go to get an abortion, I would gently tell them that this was an organization that existed to support them if they decided to have their babies. I also reassured them that they lived in a town where there were many safe clinics that would meet their needs should they choose to terminate their pregnancies.
I was criticized for this by some of my fellow pro-lifers. But deep in my heart, I knew I couldn’t judge their decision because I had never been in their shoes. Ever.
Internal change and conflict began whirling inside me in my early 30’s. I ignored the whispering voices that were begging me to question, to doubt, to reconsider….ANYTHING.
I went to speak at the local high school. I was pitted against the local director of Planned Parenthood. The gymnasium was packed with at least 500 kids.
I stood there with my permed hair and red ruffled shirt and pleated skirt. I spoke in a firm voice and told the students why I was against abortion, that I wasn’t trying to change the laws, that the group I represented was there to help any of them should they find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy.
I was no match for the woman from Planned Parenthood. Verbally, she kicked my butt. She was equally compassionate and was able to offer all I had and more. When we were each finished speaking, she was mobbed by eager young women reaching for her handouts and her warm smile. I stood there alone.
One young woman stormed up to me, her face red and angry. She told me in no uncertain terms that she didn’t appreciate me trying to control her life, her decisions. How dare I? As my face turned the shade of my shirt, I stammered and stuttered. I didn’t want her to see me that way, it wasn’t who I was. I didn’t have a chance. She whirled around and stomped away…away towards the woman from Planned Parenthood, the woman with the peaceful face.
I had a headache that soon morphed into a migraine. It lasted for 3 days. The whisperings got louder and louder …please Mary…question, doubt, reconsider…ANYTHING.
The whisperings that were turning into a roar were causing me anxiety and I distracted myself once again with the daily routine of life and the lives of my children.
Then the Evening happened. The Evening when I left my home and my 3 young children (ages 4, 3 and 2) behind. I was feeling happy and strong. It had been an intense several years and things seemed to be calming down. I was feeling free and independent.
I was going to speak at a local church about the pro-life organization. As I was collecting information packets, it occurred to me that my period was a couple of days late. For a moment, I shrugged this off. No way I could be pregnant. I had used birth control that month. Well, there was that one night on the 23rd day of my cycle when I got lazy. I had felt ovulation pains on the 13th day. No need for anything on the 23rd day. Right? RIGHT?
The test took 3 minutes. I had no worries. Hmmmm, mmmmm, hmmmm, I’m humming along gathering my materials. Then, oh yes, that test. I walked over and glanced down to see the BIG BLACK CIRCLE in the middle of the small panel.
Instantly, I was out of breath, my heart was racing, I was sick to my stomach. Everything in the room closed in on me. I was pacing, I kept rechecking the results of the mocking test, I couldn't breathe.
What I didn’t do was pray. No way I was going to pray. I was mad. I was fed up. No prayer for me that night.
I called the director of the pro-life group and told her that yes, I’m sorry, I know it’s 7:00 on a Friday night, but no way can I go speak to that church group, no way. If I go to speak to that church I will get up, look them all straight in the eyes, and say, “I just found out I’m pregnant and I WANT AN ABORTION!”
My director, the most loving of women, calmed me down and told me no worries, she would go speak to them. Call my husband, go take care of myself, she’d talk to me in the morning.
I drove around for hours that night. While I knew that I would not choose to end my pregnancy, my initial reaction startled me. I was happily married, there was a semblance of financial security, I loved my husband. I was going to have a fourth child. But there were those first few moments when I wasn’t sure. There were the first few moments where I thought to myself, “You don’t have to tell anyone. You could just get this taken care of.”
I was thinking all these things and I was the frigging public relations director of a pro-life agency!
Life went on and beautiful fairy child Cassie was born. I can’t imagine my life without her. But that wasn’t the point. As time went by, the black and white life I had so carefully constructed began to turn shades of gray.
A colorful painting and an encounter with a dying AIDS patient, the death of my father at the tender age of 65, divorces among family and friends, the struggles and humanity of my friends, my own internal conflicts…all transpired to wake up this dogma-bound heart.
A frozen heart melted is a thing of beauty.
Like an iceberg that breaks away from the ancient glacier, I floated alone for a while with my thoughts that were once at war with one another. As the thawing of my rigid beliefs dissolved, I drifted with the once forbidden thoughts. I gave them air and I gave them space. I allowed myself to feel the discomfort of the thoughts that only wanted to help set me free.
And finally it came. How could I judge what was right for another woman? How could I ever want a law to be changed that would put a woman in harm’s way or god forbid, at the hands of a rusty coat hanger?
How could I be any part of shaming someone whose shoes I had never walked in?
The choice of abortion has been made by many of those that I love passionately…friends, relatives, children of friends and my clients.
It took me awhile to say that I was “pro-choice.” It felt like an abomination, a blasphemy. Brain washing is no easy process to undo, but gradually I did, day after day, month after month.
I sometimes shame myself for the rigid life I lived. But all my experiences have given me the wisdom, insight and compassion I have today.
The Bible says that the Truth will set you free.
It is one of the few things that I still agree with.
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Jesse Kavadlo
Mary Wagner
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I too have had profound changes in my views on abortion, though not for the personal reasons you had, so I confirm that attitudes on this issue need not be fixed in stone.
The Only Moral Abortion is My Abortion
I believe one of the measures of a person's strength of character is their ability to change their thinking when presented with the truth. Rigidity in thinking is often the easy way to go. Probing hard truths and self examination is hard, painful even. Going public with a change in thinking as fundamental as yours is toughest of all.
Strong lady.
It's a hugely divisive issue on which I simply try to keep my own counsel after several years of knock down drag out "discussions" on it. My knowledge of the ins and outs could fill volumes, and for what? :) Idle minds and all that, I guess.
Oh look! Something shiny! When does the Sox Yankees game start again?
Those who are adamantly pro-life fail to come to terms with the ramifications of that position. If you believe the embryo is a human being, then those who choose to abort are murders. Now, many pro-life advocates have no problem prosecuting a doctor for murder, but it seems very few advocate that the (usually) young mother should be so prosecuted. That seems like an obvious problem with their stance.
I can remember my parents discussing abortion on the way home from our Southern Baptist church one Sunday, and hearing one of my parents say it was really a decision up to the parents. Move the clock forward 40 years, and that stance is anathema to the Southern Baptist dogma. Times have certainly changed.
Not really related, but I keep thinking of Miss California, saying she believed marriage was for a man and woman, not gays, because "it's just how I was raised". This isn't really a good basis for a belief is it - 'it's just how I was raised'. Thoughtlessly adopting how we were raised into a belief system - hardly a fully realized individual.
There are men and women in this world who would benefit by this. Rated.
"Consider the Bamboo. It is neither thick nor sturdy. Yet, when come the winds that fell the trees, the bamboo laughs and survives."
You have become the bamboo, Mary. Excellently written, well-deserved EP.
Thumbed.
It took a lot of courage to post this, you have my utmost respect.
Those of you who've walked through the fires of rigid fundamentalism and still manage emerge without disfiguring scars are among my many heroes.
To object to either too strongly is not to abide by the deep mystery that makes us human--and cling as we do to beliefs that we feel protect us from our fears.
You can write it all----comedy, satire, poignant slice of life. This is an excellent post.
I sat here for a few minutes after reading the post and comments and was thinking----I don't remember ever being a pro-life person, but that does not mean I come to pro-choice without mixed emotions, nor that I don't remember the efforts of the church to indoctrinate me into a pro-life position.
As someone who has had an abortion, I can tell you that when I do think of it, I can not deny that I believe that I terminated a "life." It is the guilt I live with, but I know that I would not have been a good candidate for giving the child up for adoption, and, well, I've written on my own post how I never wanted to have (raise) a child, and I was young, and I think I made the right choice.
Still, I think it is a good think to have been exposed to both sides of the argument. Like we say about writing, you must first know the rules before you break them. Understanding the argument for pro-life is necessary to the decision process involved in pro-choice.
I believe in the freedom to choose on almost every level.
Is there a sweeter freedom? Excellent post. Rated, of course.
I have been amazed that his saying yes to life while not making his life (or any of his close family's life) easier, I see him as emerging whole human from this experience.
It has made me wonder if I had said yes to those two times... How different a person would I have been?
Still pro choice, but so aware that it is a blade that cuts two ways.
Thank you, Mary.
(thumbified for truth and some really great writing)
But I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment, and wonder "out loud" if a person who wrote about the opposite transformation (going from pro-choice to pro-life), based on personal experience and much soul-searching, would get the same reaction. I wonder how I would react.
I guess the determining factor for me would be whether or not such a person merely came to that conclusion and regarded it as their own personal truth, or if they chose to work actively to limit the choices of others. I know that many, many pro-lifers fall into the latter camp. But, there are also those who just hold a certain belief and keep it more or less to themselves.
Anyway, this comment can be kept or deleted as you see fit, Mary.
The same question I had. I think the reaction would be very different, and getting on the cover would probably have been unlikely.
It would be interesting to hear from Cassie, the daughter. I suspect that she's quite glad that her mother's pro-life sensibility prevailed in that situation.
Rated.
Now imagine what it would be like if you were 16 and unmarried and living in poverty. You can't -- and neither can I. Still, I'm glad you finally saw that light -- would that others would do the same. I could go on a very long time about this -- guess I'll save it for a post of my own.
And this is what happens when you let old men with no dog in the hunt make up the rules for you -- tho I must say that Fernando Lugo, the Catholic bishop who is now President of Paraguay, has done a pretty good job of keeping his dong in the hunt.
You're right, Truth sets us free...and then binds us to the responsibility to live by it.
For centuries, MEN made decisions about women's sexuality, their intellectual competence, and their rights as human beings. The great Margaret Sanger, the NYC social worker who crusaded for birth control in the early 20th century after seeing the poverty and damage to families caused by constant pregnancy and too many children, was arrested and imprisoned over and over, and was denounced from pulpits, by judges, by doctors, by legislators, by MEN. It was women's destiny to be constantly pregnant, said these MEN. But Margaret persevered, a true heronie for women's health and reproductive rights!! Wouldn't she be appalled to see our nation slipping backward into "moral" outrage over abortion rights when we have over 15 million children ALIVE RIGHT NOW LIVING IN POVERTY, MANY OF THEM HOMELESS!! But the self-righteous "pro-lifers" worry about what I call "the non-existent"!! HOW ABSURD!!!!!
I always thought the so-called "pro-life" movement, with many of its members supporting war and killing and the death penalty which is hardly "pro-life", found it so easy to feel self-righteous without actually dirtying their hands with other people's problems. After all, homeless children require intervention, effort, energy, work, finding funds, etc.!! But being against abortion rights is so easy, so sanitized, so safe! Waving a sign in front of a clinic is easy compared to actual effort!
So, now that abortion is legal and women have CHOICES concerning reproduction, there are WOMEN who denounce what women have fought for for centuries: the right to control their own bodies!!!!! And this is a democracy, for God's sake, a nation where we're all supposedly able to live and make decisions according to our own beliefs and values, the very nation where the full range of choices should be available so that citizens can choose.
The ideal way to end abortion is for every pregnancy to be a wanted pregnancy. But until that happens, we at least have the full range of reproductive choices. ALL women should celebrate that....for the first time in human history, in the USA, women can make their own decisions concerning their own bodies......
BBE's link to an article that details the many "pro-life" women who quietly chose abortion is something familiar to me. Daughters of prominent Christian businessmen and women, daughters of wives of presidents of Christian universities, evangelical groups have made the choice to abort an unplanned pregnancy. Many people in the pro-life movement would be stunned to know the choices of their sons and daughters, parshioners, pastors, pastor's wives, etc. etc. This is the problem with any rigid stance. It invites secrecy. Often, it DEMANDS secrecy.
Jeanette's question was not offensive. Upon reflection, I think the main difference between pro-life and pro-choice is that pro-choice respects any decision made and allows for different points of view. There are many "pro-life" women for themselves, but leave the choice to other women...this would truly make them "pro-choice". When one is staunchly "pro-life", at least in the world I was in, the belief was not only held for oneself but for ALL. This is where the difference lies. I'm sure there are many women who have experienced "unwanted" pregnancies who had their babies. Many who chose not to. The difference for me was in the inflexibility of my belief system. The judgment that I made on those who painfully made choices that were different than mine. This is the mindset I was set free from. Many pro-life women I knew back in those days were incredibly loving compassionate women who were passionate about their beliefs. I wonder how they feel now, now that their daughters are in their teens and twenties like mine.
m.a.h. was the brave and honest one when talking about her feelings about ending a "life". If you think about it, how many of us do things that alter the "natural" course of life? Using any kind of birth control alters the natural course of life, an IUD is not dissimilar to the abortion pill. These matters are complex and best left to the decisions of the one who must live and stand by their decision.
Mishima: I will not speak for my daughter but I feel confident in saying that all 4 of my children are pro-choice. They were witnesses to their mother's transformation and for them, they have all expressed how much better off they feel for the changes I made for my life which ultimately changed theirs.
Tom: It was never my intent to make it sound like me getting pregnant with my 4th child was comparable to that of a 16 year old girl. My angst lasted less than 5 minutes. It was a series of events in my life, some of which I've written about in separate posts, that lead to many of my changes in the beliefs I so once strongly held.
Again, thanks to all of you for reading and commenting on something that has the potential to divide. And why? We are so much more interconnected than not. That is for me the focus that resonates.
Many of us who are pro-choice do view even a blastocyst as human life-- at least in potential-- and yet our compassion for the pregnant women leads us to defend her right to have an abortion. After my first very much wanted pregnancy, beset by morning sickness, I understood even more the need to have compassion for other women and their need to have legal access to abortion.
I am blessed with fertility despite birth control. I was equally thrilled by my third (suprise) pregnancy as I was by my first two planned ones. I could never have an abortion myself, just knowing myself, it would give me nightmares and guilt. But I have compassion for other women and I don't know their circumstances. I am content with the children I've been blessed with. I am pleased that my husband had that vasectomy, too.
I have two thoughts - choose life, moms are very special - they need our help and support and 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone'.
"... I knew I couldn’t judge their decision because I had never been in their shoes."
"... question, doubt, reconsider…ANYTHING."
"... the black and white life I had so carefully constructed began to turn shades of gray."
And your courage to share honestly, from your soul. It's beautiful!
I also hope you can be as vocal (as you are here) about your "transformation" as you were when you were pro-life. I know your words could provide comfort and maybe a little nudge towards transformation to many more people! Rated.
I think I have a slightly different perspective...
I am both Christian and "pro-life." I think that every abortion is a tragedy. BUT, I am also against overturning abortion laws. I don't feel that it is my place to convince others to carry unwanted pregnancies to term. It's not morally right for me to judge those who get abortions. I don't believe in limiting womens' access to abortions or telling women what they should do with their bodies. However, I do think that limiting unwanted pregnancies is the single best way to curb abortions and I support and back those working that cause (and I think better access to sex ed and prophylactics is the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies--especially when compared to lectures on abstinence).
The word "Christian" does not automatically mean "brainwashed" or "dogmatic" or "overwhelmed by rigid beliefs" or "judgmental."
Another Bible verse worth keeping around is Matthew 7:3
Edgar, I appreciate your comment and your point of view. I appreciate your view on the laws and on the solutions you offer. When I used the word "brain washing", I was referring to myself and no one else. I really try hard, on a daily basis, to not judge others, especially those I have disagreements with. I am also not suggesting that those who are "pro-life" or "Christian" have been brainwashed. Thanks for pointing that out so I could make the clarification.
This is a pure and simple brilliant piece of writing. And so very important.
denese
I don't like talken 'bout that, but I'm glad you feel you can and should.
Rated
I'm glad you had the ability to confront the issue as a decision, regardless of your choice, and that you were able to understand that others needed that same decision, regardless of theirs. But I'm especially glad you were able to write about this so lucidly.
Love the pics, too.
Part of becoming an adult, I suppose. Great piece.
Fast forward 8 years - I was pregnant (6 weeks) and spotting. I had to go get an ultrasound, and there she was - "Peanut" as I called her, because that is what she looked like. Little squiggly peanut, who a few short months later was born and became the best thing to ever happen to me. It still eats at me that had I not been so selfish, I could have given some family the priceless gift my children have given me. The child I so callously threw away could be someone's child, spouse, parent - but instead all I could do was think of how it was going to affect ME. ME ME ME ME ME seems to be the cry of the pro-choice faction, and I like to think that as I have grown and matured I can now look beyond my short-term interests. As I looked at that ultrasound, and come to that, the ultrasounds of all my subsequent children, I could'nt escape the fact that I wasn't looking at a random collection of cells, but my child. I have come to the old-fashioned moral view not because I was forced to, but because I now see the truths that they embody. G.K. Chesterton said "Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashion" - and I think he had a point. A pregnant woman comes into an abortion clinic carrying a life, and leaves without one. That fundamental truth became clear to me, and I could never again pretend that it was about a choice, or my rights, or an issue of privacy. It was about something far greater then me.
Two questions emerged for me when I read your essay. They're difficult and personal, so it's OK if you don't feel like answering, but I thought you'd like to know what your writing inspired: 1) How does Cassie feel about this post? Or, more to the point, how does Cassie feel about the story itself? and 2) Do you think there was the increased possibility that you might have aborted that pregnancy (and not have Cassie now) if you had not been so thoroughly entrenched in the pro-life camp when you got pregnant? In other words, had you been more casual about the issue or had already transformed to pro-choice side at that point, I wonder if you had gone through with it.
I try so hard to see all sides of an issue, and I remember a letter to an editor once a long time ago written by a woman who simply couldn't understand her sister's strong pro-life position. The pro-choice woman, at the point of this writing being childless, told the story about how she had accompanied her sister to an abortion clinic 15 years earlier to support her as she went through the procedure at a young age. Something stopped the pregnant woman from going through with it, and she now had this beautiful son (the pro-choice woman's nephew) whom she had quite literally been minutes from aborting (she had already been on the table). The writer was scathing in her condemnation and ended by wondering how on earth her sister had gone so far afield as to picket clinics or whatever. I remember thinking, even though I was pro-choice, that it was damn obvious why this woman had gone overboard in the other direction. She was probably grateful every day for that son.
To be clear, everybody--every. body.--should have the choice, and it should always be a medical procedure unentangled with the legal system. I don't think there should be any restrictions whatsoever. I do get, though, that it's complicated and I try to respect where everybody is coming from even if I don't respect their actual opinion.
- Not one person on this Earth (whether you believe we were created or evolved) got here any way other than from a single sperm that fertilized an egg, was at some point implanted into a woman's uterine wall, incubated and birthed (natural or C-Section). So every one who ever lived or who is alive at this moment was once a zygote, embryo, fetus, baby, etc.
- Any new human would have to go through the same process in order to live.
- I do not believe that a unique human entity exists until fertilization occurs (Mom's egg meets Dad's sperm) AND is implanted in the uterine wall (fertilized eggs do not always implant themselves and can be flushed out of the woman's system - rare, but it happens).
- A planned abortion at any point after implantation, terminates even the possibility of that zygote, embryo, fetus being birthed. Therefore, life is no longer a possibility for that fertilized egg (remember we ALL started out that way).
- The nature of Sexual INTERCOURSE is biologically intended not only for recreation, but for procreation as well and the continuance of the human race, hence the ejaculation of the male sperm (unless something is abnormal) with orgasm. I said all of that to say, sex is for makes babies. Its fun too, and binds us to our partners, but that's so we'll want to have sex more often, and therefore make more babies. Not abort them.
- Couples today can chose from a myriad of birth control option (including male reversible vasectomy, especially for married or long-term couples - And by the, why does it always have to be the woman responsibility for birth control? Just a thought). Contrary to popular belief, abstinence is still an option (not a popular option, but an option nonetheless. Especially if you absolutely do not want to get pregnant). BOTTOM LINE: Choice is available prior to sexual intercourse and after such as "morning after pill" or adoption.
- Ok...here it comes (and I understand that not everyone is Christian, but I want to make the point for the benefit of pro-choicers who consider themselves Christian. I am a Christian) From a Biblical and biological point of view (Leviticus 17:14) states that "...For the life (some translations say soul) of all flesh is in the blood thereof." Yes, its in the context of eating animals, but it says, ALL flesh. So, my point is that at the very least, once there is a beating heart and blood is circulating through the embryo's body, in my opinion, there is life, and it should be protected the same as you and I are protected from someone stopping our heart from beating.
In sum, I think the argument about when life begins is a false one. It begins when a fertalized egg is implanted into the uterine wall and begins to divide. No one can be born any other way. To me, even from a purely biological standpoint, it doesn't make sense to say that no one knows when life begins. At the very least, I think we should give another beating heart that is "breathing" (though through the umbilical cord) the same protection of life that we would want for ourselves.
- I will admit being torn about rape/incest victims, because they didn't have a choice. But I would hope that they would choose to save/give that "life" to the world in defiance of the horrible act that slole "life", essence and/or virtue from them. Also, I'm not sure about when a woman's life is in imminent danger. I think that's not so cut and dried either.
Again, thank you Mary for the insightful post. Hopefully one day, everyone will be able to discuss this topic as civilly as has been done so on your blog.
Ok..Ready, aim, stones away...
People get on their high horse and demand that women carry their fetus, regardless of how it came to be and weather it is wanted or not. The truly hardcore don't care what happened and whether the mother is capable of carrying it to term. A really small, hopefully, group of them want to force investigations into when and why a woman miscarriages to potentially file charges against them.
There is a squishy group that believe in the 'cult of the fetus' so much that they seek to deny birth control to all women and men.
As I said, coming from an abusive family, I perhaps have a different take on this subject. I feel like I was tortured growing up. I was almost in constant fear of being beaten for the slightest infraction, and then sometimes for none at all. I was beaten because I was 'too happy' once.
Children shouldn't have to go through what I did. There are worse things than killing the unborn. I read about countless children that are raped and sodomized by their parents. Children beaten literally to death. Children starved and burned and beaten near death over and over again.
There were a few times when I was younger that I wondered whether it would have been better to die. I did ask my birth mother why she didn't abort me. I was curious because she knew that she couldn't keep me when she discovered that she was pregnant.
And yes! Those bible beaters and holier than thou got abortions. Back 'in the day' (pre Roe v wade) they called it a 'D & C' and everybody kept it quiet. Post Row V Wade, the national 'D & C' rates plummeted.
Abortion is abhorrent, like I said but so is war yet so many, at least around here, had their yellow (ironically Made in China) magnetic ribbons on the backs of their cars next to their 'Jesus fish' and prolife stickers apparently ignorant of the hypocrisy or recognizing that the war machine must be fed.
I'd rather have a fetus die then have a young child grow up being tortured. The fact that these people don't give a rip after the child has been born is ironic. Plus look at the number of nations that are prolife and how desperate their conditions are. Sure the church has lots of members but these people can't feed themselves due to the over population.
Relatively speaking, there are worse things than abortion.
My argument ... has always been that nature has a master plan pushing every species toward procreation and that it is our right and even obligation as rational human beings to defy nature's fascism. Nature herself is a mass murderer, making casual, cruel experiments and condemning 10,000 to die so that one more fit will live and thrive.
Hence I have always frankly admitted that abortion is murder, the extermination of the powerless by the powerful.
It would be interesting to study how a person's feelings towards abortion are informed by how they first learned of it.
I remember it quite clearly: at 8 years old, I asked my mother what the word "abortion" meant after hearing it on the news. She said, in a very calm and matter-of-fact manner: "it's when a woman finds out she's pregnant but doesn't want to have a baby so she has an operation so she isn't pregnant anymore."
A ha, I thought, that makes perfect sense. Of course women shouldn't have to have babies when they don't want them. And I've really never had any negative emotions about about abortion, from the day I learned of it til now.
Interestingly, I found out years later that even though my mother is pro-choice, she has much more negative feelings towards abortion than I do. I'm amazed that she was able to explain the procedure to me so dispassionately.
After reading your story, I wonder: how did you talk to your own daughters about abortion?
I'm a little more nuanced. The potential FOR life begins at conception. Life doesn't become apparent until that 'potential' has been 'birthed'.
Too much can happen between conception and birth. A case could be made too that 'life' doesn't begin until the child is self aware. The minute that a child knows they are part of a larger group, they are 'alive' but the problem with that one is that there are people that never grasp that idea.
I find that I can't take a man's point of view on abortion seriously. The first time I saw a man say that a rape victim *had* to carry that fetus to term I was both struck with a fit of giggles and a sudden urge to puke. But I guess that's just me...
Lainey, my daughter has read this post. I perhaps didn't make it clear enough in the post to say that my initial reaction to my positive pregnancy test was a knee jerk reaction and nothing more. But my initial response had shocked me and allowed me to feel for even a moment, how difficult it must be for so many young women who didn't have the emotional and financial support as I did, as well as the maturity coming from a 32 year old woman.
Lainey, it would also be impossible for me to know what I would have done differently if I had been "pro-choice". This deep belief of mine of the sacredness of life was deeply entrenched in my psyche and in many ways, it's still there albeit more broad.
Kryptogal asks how I explained abortion to my daughters. I talked to my daughters and sons equally the same. I told them what abortion was, why some people were pro-life, why some were pro-choice. I gave them information about their bodies when they were adolescents (some great books out there), sex education. I talked to them about sex, STD's, pregnancy, birth control, the whole gamut. Foolish is the parent who believes that their children are above these kinds of discussions.
I also told my children that their choices and beliefs are theirs alone. That they must connect with their inner most spiritual selves to find the answers to the problems and challenges that come up in their lives. I'm available for counsel, but they are all over 18 and their journeys are their journeys alone.
Because I was so intent on creating an open and safe environment for them to be able to come to me NO MATTER WHAT with what is going on for them, they new that they could come knowing that there would be no judgment, no shame. No matter what.
Cassie appreciated the post and knows very well, deep to the core, how much she is loved and valued and always has been.
I appreciate everyone's comments more than I can say. I loved Kent Pittman's comment and would love to learn and absorb from him how to articulate so well what he was able to do. Thank you Kent!
I respect the comment from "coming home" and I didn't feel like she was imposing any of her beliefs onto others. I value her experience.
Angelic: Please no apologies for the length of your most thoughtful heartfelt comment. No stones here ever. You are a princess...I'm an Irish princess...your beauty and thoughtfullness shone through your comments and again, I thank you for the civility and respect you carried, despite your very strong feelings on when life begins.
I'm missing so many but have to return to my day. I'll be back.
" The child I so callously threw away could be someone's child, spouse, parent - but instead all I could do was think of how it was going to affect ME. ME ME ME ME ME seems to be the cry of the pro-choice faction..."
What I saw there was cominghome taking her anguished (and apparently unresolved) personal stance and ascribing it to the opinions and feelings of everyone who is pro-choice. If anything, this thread shows how complex and nuanced peoples' feelings on this issue are, on both sides of the divide. I really dislike cominghome's narcissistic refusal to recognize others' process. I think it is one of the cornerstones of the so-called pro-life movement, and I respond to it with revulsion. I can respect other's opinions and feelings on this issue, but I can't stand it when they try to tell me what my feelings are.
Fear not, Dan - my stance is hardly unresolved. I'm quite firm in my beliefs, and I shared my story specifically because the question was raised as to how all those throwing bouquets at Mary would react to the same story but with a different beginning and end. I guess we now know.
:) Rated
cominghome, I appreciate you sharing your story because it was a story of transformation like you. I think the trick for most of us is to express something we feel strongly about in ways that people are most likely able to hear us. Our tone, our way with words. It seems to me that the ME, ME, ME you were using came off, at least to Dan, as something that was judgmental. Then when we feel judged, we get defensive.
To me, Shivaun made an excellent point when she said, "It's in our personal stories that I think we will eventually be able to heal the cultural divides that have so torn us apart over the past 2 decades." One of the things I loved so much about the movie MILK was how Harvey Milk used the sharing of stories to make sure that an incredibly hateful amendment that polls showed would pass by a landslide. He encouraged all to share their stories to their families, friends, employers. He felt as Shivaun points out, that hearing the personal stories and struggles of gay people by those closes to them would humanize the reality of the consequences of the amendment and it would change their minds on voting for it. Milk's strategy worked and the amendement was soundly defeated.
So, we can chose to focus on what divides us and what does not. It is much more productive to focus on the things that bind us then the things that tear us apart.
apiokores states this well when he/she says, "People who desire to reduce the incidence of these unfortunate situations should spend more time promoting sane and sensible abortion reduction techniques such as sex ed, birth control distribution, and especially *women's education,* which has shown to be one of the most effective ways of reducing the incidence of unwanted pregnancy."
I think there is much common ground we can all come to. This does not include the fanatical fringe on either side of the issue. Groups such as these have no interest in dialogue, curiosity or openness and it is difficult if not impossible to find common ground or compassion when trying to have productive conversations with them.
I used to be anti-choice. Then I became very pro-choice. Then I became pregnant and felt my kid moving and it quit being either or.
Contraception is not perfect. The morning after pill only works if you take it, and people are often in denial or they were too messed up to remember they had sex. Abstinence is insane and not very realistic.
Is it murder? Maybe. We murder as a culture every day. Off to war, lack of healthcare, lack of treatment for mental illness, or callous disregard for the third world. We cannot solve all these problems. But it would be fantastic if I could give my daughters really good control over their fertility.
I think President Obama's comments on Thursday sums up the tragedy of the past 35 years of legalized abortion in this country.
"It is the grimmest of ironies that one of the most savage, barbaric acts of evil in history began in one of the most modernized societies of its time, where so many markers of human progress became tools of human depravity: science that can heal, used to kill; education that can enlighten, used to rationalize away basic moral impulses; the bureaucracy that sustains modern life, used as the machinery of mass death, a ruthless, chillingly efficient system where many were responsible for the killing, but few got actual blood on their hands."
As stated by a previous commenter, there are worse things in the world than aborting an unwanted child. Like, let's just say, bringing a child into this world and then abandoning, or worse, abusing them. And let's not forget about neglect (or severe poverty) and all that does to the human condition.
My stance is this: unless you are willing to take in at least two or three unwanted children into your home, love, support, and raise them as your own...financially, emotionally...forever and ever then you can pretty much shut your pie hole. If any so called "pro-lifer" is unwilling to jump into the mix and take care of the thousands and thousands of unwanted children born as a result of guilt placed on a pregnant woman then their talk is just that...talk. If you have made that committment I am more than happy to have a rational and respectful discussion with you on the subject.
Thanks for the post Mary. And for the discussion that followed.
Rated
Judge ye not. Lest ye be judged.
dustbowl: Tough subject isn't it. Having conflicted feelings is a good way to describe it. I'm a Libra and while I know little about astrology, I know enough that it is easy for me to see both sides of an issue. This works well when I work with couples, not so well when it causes inner turmoil. The key word you used that stood out for me was "adamant". When ever anyone is adamant about a certain issue, especially one that involves that personal choices of others that truly do not affect them, I see it as a red flag and steer away. Thanks so much for your comment.
To cominghome, your attempt to reveal some kind of hypocrisy in readers’ responses based on their disagreement with your personal position appears dishonest to me. Many people, including me, have given thoughtful and detailed explanations of where they’re coming from. There are a lot of issues in play here. In response to your question
“Would you really have someone who thinks that a human life is being extinguished by a medical procedure just stand by and say ‘Well, I don't want to impose my belief system on anyone else?’"
My answer is yes. That is not the same as telling you to sit down and shut up, not by a long shot.
Especially to pass judgement.
Dan: Now we're talking! Thank you! Thank you! I said this in a previous comment but it's worth repeating again. This is the strategy Harvey Milk used to open the minds of so many who were terrified of homosexuals. He encouraged gays to come out of the closet...tell their families, their friends, their employers, their employees, etc. He knew that when people are face to face with real people and and their stories of pain, minds are opened. Your experience with your dear sister is what compels people to rethink, reexamine. I'm so sorry your sister went through that and I am so grateful that it is no longer 1967.
BTW, an excellent movie to watch that is coming out soon on DVD is Revolution Road. A compelling movie about what happens when a woman feels completely trapped and her options have been reduced to almost nothing. Thank you Dan for sharing this very important part of your history and why you so rightly feel the way you do.
an abomination. Its strange and wonderful when the veils lift.
To Dakini....why do I always know that you will understand what I'm saying? Still mad I couldn't be in Denver for that fun hat party and meeting you and many others. Thank you!
Thanks to the rest of you who read and appreciated. This means a lot to me.
I think your banner says it well: I'd rather be hurt by the truth than be happy with a lie. I was brainwashed as a child, too, but have never thought my particular story would be of any particular interest. I always find the stories of other's epiphanies interesting, though.
I do recall that when I was a small boy, my half-sister who had come to live with us for a time had an abortion. We lived in El Paso, and abortion wasn't legal in the U.S., so she went across to Juarez for the procedure.
RATED
Joan Wilder and worldssmartestman: Thank you!
Her story - "the baby is inconvenient, my birth control which was probably predictably ineffective for reasons I don't mention, and I don't want it."
I'm happy you didn't get that abortion, and I bet at least one other person is too !
Life went on and beautiful fairy child Cassie was born. I can’t imagine my life without her. But that wasn’t the point.
That is the point. Your rationale, it would be inconvenient for me, my planning was bad, etc., wouldn't justify being late to a tennis game, much less ending a life.
Thank you.
Solid, well-told piece, marytkelly.
This stuck out for me in particular:
"I was no match for the woman from Planned Parenthood. Verbally, she kicked my butt.
Not anymore, she wouldn't.
Happy New Year and let's get rich and famous this year, okay?
How about we change the names to more honestly reflect the political positions? Pro-lifers would become Anti-Abortion; pro-choicers would become Pro-life. Because, after all, choosing for yourself is SO pro-life. Choosing whether to have a child or not is a very personal choice, and is all about your OWN life. Not selfishly choosing, but realistically choosing.
All those who think abortion is selfish are just so woefully misinformed and misguided, IMHO. And, how many of those unwanted children have THEY adopted? Not enough, it seems.
Lighten up, anti-abortion people. Go watch Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life," fast-forward to the "Every Sperm is Sacred" sketch, and think again. Let's start protecting all those unwanted sperm - there are BILLIONS and BILLIONS of them - each one a potential life! Too much attention has been paid to the once-a-month ovum anyway. Namaste.
I think you will appreciate this...and the book.
http://open.salon.com/blog/mary_ann_sorrentino/2010/01/01/pro-choice_is_pro-life_because_women_are_people_too
Happy New Year,
Mary Ann
BTW, I was once Bill Baird's press secretary.
In my opinion, the above quote is evidence of an open mind, an open heart, a more than a bit of wisdom. IMO, most of the negative things in this world originate in minds that can only think and see in black and white. Most of life and most of the world is a shade of gray.