The summer after my freshman year in college, I met Peggy. Peggy worked with my sister in a major department store. Peggy was pretty, personable and perky. Most importantly, Peggy loved the Lord.
Peggy was also pushy and shortly after meeting her, I found myself down on my virgin knees asking Jesus Christ to be my personal lord and savior and save me from my sinful ways.
Sinful ways? Let’s see…I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t have sex. What exactly were my “sinful ways”?
When I asked Peggy about this, Peggy became persuasive. I was sinning in my heart, she was sure of it, and this new reborn life would be a pathway to freedom and purity.
OK, fine. I just really wanted some direction.
Hence, my life with the Lord and his devoted followers began. That fall I met a boy who would four years later become my husband. He didn’t know he was a sinner either, but I was persuasive and pushy, and I watched with pride as he was baptized in a nearby creek.
We were the perfect Christian couple! We became youth leaders and went to church every Sunday. While our friends and roommates were sleeping off their hedonistic nights of partying, drugs and sex, we were sitting piously in the pew, nodding our heads in agreement while the pastor pontificated on the latest moral sin of our generation.
We were in love, and suddenly passion was filling the air. However, the Bible was very clear about this and despite the “twisted” reasoning of my boyfriend, who was trying very hard to convince me of why it would be scripturally OK for us to have sex, I wouldn’t budge!
Peggy had pounded into my head the critical importance of staying a virgin until marriage and I wasn’t going to be taken down a path of immorality and degradation, even by the one who loved me.
This state of virtue persisted for a while, but even this virgin Mary had her human longings and after a tortuous year and a half, she spent a magical evening with the one she loved and experienced all that love has to give.
In the middle of the night, she woke up with a smile and then a start. Her heart was pounding. Voices were screaming all around her, ‘YOU’RE NOT A VIRGIN! YOU’RE A YOUTH LEADER! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! YOU’RE WEAK! YOU’RE IMMORAL! NO ONE CAN FIND OUT! YOU HAVE LET DOWN THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY HIMSELF!”
My boyfriend shared none of my feelings of guilt or remorse. In fact, I’d never seen him smile so broadly.
Never mind him. I made my vow of abstinence once again, and if there had been one of those purity rings nearby, I would have shoved it on my left hand ring finger in no time! I made my confession and asked the Lord to forgive me. He did.
And then I did it again.
Yum yum, sweet juices flowing, love cascading, WAIT, NO, I’M A SINNER! THIS IS WRONG! ALL WRONG!
And then I did it again and again and again.
And always the guilt, the remorse…the hypocrisy. I would espouse the virtues of “waiting until marriage” to the teenagers that would flock around me. Oh, if only they knew.
And so it went on for several years until I married the boyfriend with the smile on his face, and found relief. No more shame, no more guilt, no more screaming voices.
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!
(Jonas Brothers...cute...and pure?)
It’s 30 years later and “purity rings” are IN. Hey, the Jonas Brothers wear them! The Jonas Brothers who are 16, 19 and 22 are swearing on a stack of Bibles they aren’t having sex and no one can stop them!
There are ceremonies where young women, girls as young as 10 are wearing pseudobridal gowns and are standing before their fathers in front of adults and peers alike. Father then slips on this chastity belt disguised as a ring on the fingers of a girl who hasn’t even begun to feel the stirrings of lust and longing.
Is it only me that finds all of this just a little bit ICKY?
Young couples stand before their congregation and make this vow publicly. Is it only me that finds this a little CREEPY?
(Bristol Palin new spokesperson for Abstinence. Huh?)
There are many who find these vows admirable, courageous, and brave in a world so pre-occupied with sex. Even Bristol Palin is on an abstinence nation wide tour with newborn baby in tow.
Is it only me that finds all of this just a little bit INSANE?
So here’s the dirty secret behind the purity rings:
THEY DON'T WORK!
Study after study, research after research finds that teens who take a virginity pledge are just as likely to have sex as peers who didn’t promise abstinence until marriage. In fact, 98% of those Down on Sex Teens have sex before marriage.
There is, however, a difference between the purity pledging teens having sex before marriage and the teens who had the good sense not to make them:
The vehement vow makers not only were less likely to use condoms or birth control, they were more likely to LIE.
I know what it’s like to be involved in a church and have a Secret. It was a Secret shared by myself and many others I knew. I regret the years of self-condemnation for doing what comes naturally. I taught my children that sex is natural and a place of exploration and even at times, adventure. I taught them how to be safe and how to take care of their bodies, emotions and souls.
Call me cynical, call me skeptical but I’ve worked with a lot of families for the past 15 years and show me a parent who comes in and proudly announces that their child does not drink and isn't haven’t sex, and I’ll show you a kid who lies or a parent who is delusional.
Loving the Lord and living under a cloud of shame isn’t good for anyone’s soul. “Waiting until marriage” guarantees in no verifiable way, a good marriage.
I’ve known many a friend who back in the day “waited” until marriage only to find out later that their spouse either had a hidden sexual addiction, were sexually repressed, or gay.
Here’s the truth and it will set you free:
Abstinence based programs don’t work.
Purity rings are a gimmick and a waste of money.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure there must be some who waited and are happy about their choice and have full and long lasting marriages. I congratulate all 10 of them.
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Comments
Yes, this whole thing is very creepy. And totally ineffective.
From what I have heard, there are lots of girls offering to have anal sex in order to remain "vaginal virgins". That's really risky behavior.
Gods. It makes me ill.
I totally agree! And yet, for millenia we have been preached at that this is our fate in life. Thanks for this post.
Love might wait, but sex rarely does.
We may as well pledge not going to eat or drink.
Thumbed.
What can I say?
to deal with the "internalization" I received I converted to a non-christian religion where "belief" is optional and yet I am able to receive the benefits of being part of a community where "faith" still has a meaning. It has also helped me deal with the anger that is the residue of the self-hate that was pumped into me because I was born in a body, rather than a manger.
It is the testimony, freely given, such as this that I think will eventually loosen the strangle hold of the old paradigm. More who believe the body was meant to be the source of pleasure and leads us into intimacy with one another rather than separateness need to keep telling our story so the truth is not kept secret.
Thank you Mary Kelly for telling your story.
Over the last thirty odd years, the Conservative Right & the Religious Right have tried to play God and be the Morality Police. They preach ‘family values’ while also preaching hate. They want the government to get into everyone’s bedroom and weed out gays, but they don’t want to regulate Wall Street, the environment or have a strong FDA. They want schools to teach abstinence, but not teach sex education and contraception.
Hypocrisy has a whole new meaning with the teachings of these groups and all those showing they support with purity rings and the alike.
- rated
I think it's unreasonable in today's society to expect abstinance. My youngest didn't become sexually active until she was 19, but if you'll pardon the pun, she was an outlier. Well written post. Imagine how repressed you'd be if you have abstained so many years ago.
You'd want to hike the appalachian trail in order to get "some writing done." Rated.
The weird thing is, I suspect that evangelical Christians have hotter sex lives than many open-minded liberals. Nothing more alluring than forbidden fruit.
Interesting post, Mary no longer virgin!
If a person truly wants to wait, then they have my respect and support. If not then they STILL have my respect and support. I tried, I had that "picture perfect" wedding night in my head and held on to my virginity like it was some sacred gift. Then I graduated from high school, moved out from home and discovered the pleasure of orgasm (by myself) and for a year I kept myself sated, until I met "that guy from a band" when I was 19. My innocence was gone faster than a box of Pocky at an Anime Convention.
Life just happens. Rated!
Crazy!
BBE: Wise as always!
Joan K: Everyone knows the stories of those wild and crazy Catholic girls! Just ask my sister Just Cathy (hee hee).
AshKW: Thanks for the comment. Rationalization is anything but!
Walter: Yes, it's surprisingly how little things do change sometimes. Here it is 30 years later and it's the same non-productive messsage.
Dorinda: I would take great offense to anyone who tried to push my daughters in this direction. The downfall though of a good relationship with your children is that they tell you the Truth! But it's worth it. Yes, the pledging chastity before dad seems incestuous.
Delia: Yes, I agree that 13 year olds shouldn't be having sex, but at least there is substantial research that supports this. Thanks for your comment.
Roger...I really have turned into a heathen haven't I? Why am I suddenly giddy.
Mal Beck: You sound like one reasonable born again sinner. Reason unfortunately is lacking when it comes to these purity rings.
Verbal Remedy: Really goes against the grain doesn't it?
Mr. Mustard: I believed in nursing full time and birth control and I got 4 kids!
Bill S: Sorry, but I believe some of these purists are closet perverts and I direct that at the adults that advocate this kind of nonsense.
Owl Says Who: No I haven't seen the Southpark episode and now really want to! Thanks.
Jeanette: Oh boy does that sound like South park and hysterical and oh so true. I can't imagine the number of nice Christian girls that would like to help those Jonas brothers break their vows!
cruelwench: Your experience illustrates the point of my post perfectly. Thank you!
MiddleAgedWoman: I think it's a bit crazy to not have sex with someone you love or care about. I no longer see any reason or logic...always keeping safety in mind. Good mother you are!
Ben Sen: Thanks for always a great comment that offers a deeper perspective. And I agree...personal testimony is most powerful...a tactic Harvey Milk used so successfully. Thank you.
Maria Stuart: With the rise of STD's, these rings are downright dangerous and as I stated in the post, many of these vow makers do not use protection. And it's obvious why they don't. They aren't prepared to have sex because of their vows. Being on birth control would be an obvious contradiction.
ButchyBabbles: Loved your comment! Yes, lets get the queer youth in on this. No reason they can't be as repressed as everyone else! I love your wit and your humor. Thank you.
bobbot: Thank you for such a thoughtful and intelligent comment and I agree with you 100%.
Lainey: No offense taken and I agree with you 100%. I was a hypocrite and I knew it and didn't know where to go with it. Very unsettling place to be. Of course we are all hypocrites to some degree or another, but putting yourself out there publicly acted as if you are doing one thing but really doing another makes it just a little more despicable. I was one of them. Thanks for reading!
George/gmgaston: I agree. History once again repeats itself with this "new" trend that is anything but new.
Sally: Thank you!!!!
noah tall: Those damn horses!
MiddleAged: Hey, throwing out a little reality check to our kids is important!
Sheldon: Thanks!
neilpaul: I agree...at some point in their teenage years, it's really ok to be a sexual and sensual person...being responsible is equally important.
dolores: Oh boy do I love your idea! Seriously, I have my people working on that reality show as we speak...brillliant.
cartouche: CREEKY? I love it. Perfect!
OEsheepdog: Oh, I've had my own Appalachian trails if I'm going to be honest...I didn't abstain but repression still had a hold on me for a number of years. Thanks so much for your comment and a big smile.
Brian B: Yes, I was going to bring up Britney Spears and her abstinence vow but I didn't have the stomach for it!
Laurel: Hmmm....not so sure about the hot sex thing and the evangelicals. It's kind of tough to really let loose when you have one part of your brain screaming what a horrible person you are. Forbidden sex...hot. Repressed sex...not.
LadyMiko: Yes, life happens and it's nice when we let it. Thank you,
rated
Steve: Thank God you finally took that thing off!
Asta: I think it's a "control" thing really and really despicable. I have friends who had plenty of sex before marriage but try to foist this stuff on their kids. Makes no sense really. Thanks for reading and commenting.
While it's true that I lied to my parents, I didn't lie to them about the lack of sex and drinking in my life. There are plenty of kids who do neither as teens, for a broad array of reasons.
The problem, for me, with protesting too strongly against abstinence pledges is that when combined with sex education it it more effective in stopping unwanted pregnancies than sex education alone. Politically, it's a much easier sell, as well.
Ultimately, it's about the agenda and how well the methods achieve the goals. IMO, a "teach kids sex how to use birth control" agenda is as shallow as a "teach kids to be pure" agenda. When it comes to teens, the first point on my agenda is "no pregnancies." The second point is "empower teens to control their own sexual experience" (which often leads to the first point). Controlling your own experience is as much about saying no as it is about feeling okay when you say yes. It's about having the knowledge and comfort to say yes to intermediate steps. For teens, who often struggle with peer pressure, having an environment that makes it safe to say no is important. Abstinence education can help provide that.
Just because the Christian right oversells it's case doesn't mean the left should respond in kind.
Great discussion!
Good for you! I can't tell you how much the Christian "family" view of abstinence and sexual purity screwed me up. Seriously. I should probably be in counseling. It is really, really unhealthy and unrealistic.
Rated
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/29/spiritual-adviser-darknes_n_222144.html
It looks good in front of others, but in the privacy of the bedroom, few teens...or adults can resist the magnetic attraction of bare skin! Rated
More likely the parent. Blessed be the Lord for creating sex :-)
Great post. But I think you're preaching to the choir here.
Gosh, I have never heard of "purity rings!" That is kind of over the top and reminds me of "promise rings "as well, something I never really understood and seems like a practice doomed to failure. Like, just put a blindfold on him till you get to the minister, or what!
Sissy, I am so relieved you got this "stuff" out of your system long ago, as it was clearly a repressed form of existence that needed to be seen. Love to see those beautiful blues wide open and liberated from all past disappointments, stronger and wiser for it.
Thank you for yet another insightful post on a subject that really requires us to “pay attention to the man behind the curtain.”
Though the intent to remain faithful to our partner (regardless of our age) and the longing to be sure we never endanger their health are virtuous things they are too often confused with denying normal human desires.
Celibacy has a terrible track record - particularly in the realm of religion. Moreover it is too often the case that the “sin” which is denounced the loudest is often the very “sin” the denouncer is guilty of themselves.
Outward profession and ceremony are a poor substitutes for the inner passion to be faithful and respectful of the one we love. Putting a premium upon waiting for intimacy rather than upon faithfulness to a partner, respect for the well being and health of others, and vital instruction in safe practice is a pitifully poor trade - as you have so clearly pointed out.
Sex and intimacy as with most things in life may find their finest moments when regard for others is equal to or greater than the regard we have for ourselves and empty ritual and profession are seen to be just that.
Rated and appreciated as always
louise: It is a little telling when the rings disappear! Thanks for reading and commenting.
O'Really: I just read your latest post and you are a kick. So happy you are part of OS. This post is funny, witty and makes a point. Thank you.
Specular: I was addressing more "Abstinence Based Only" programs. It would be pure folly to suggest that abstinence not be taught along with birth control and your comment was a great balance to this conversation. I'm still skeptical but that's me. Of course it should be included. Thank you!
LadyMiko: Yes, it is sex. Bill Clinton had sex with Monica Lewinsky. Period.
Gwendolyn: It truly is a mind f....k isn't it (sorry BBE..I just can't do it...he knows what I mean). And hey, talking to a professional certainly won't hurt. Life is way too short to be caught up in sexual repression. Thank you so much for your comment and your vulnerability.
O'really: I think I'm seeing double but thanks again! Loved your comment just as much the second time around.
Stim: Big smile.
grif: Oh that was a bit sarcastic wasn't it. I try to be careful with that, but I just couldn't help myself. Thank you!
Ralph: Thanks for the link and I will be sure to check it out...it sounds so intriguing. Yes, we can have the best of intentions but that darn flesh...so weak and willing.
MB: Thanks...it's the only way I don't berate myself too much for time I consider wasted (even though I know it wasn't).
Boomer Bob: Yes, I think maybe part of surviving parenthood is to be a little delusional, right? Thanks so much for the comment.
bluesurly: I'm quite sure it would be Colorado Springs and not my hometown! No offense to beautiful Colorado Springs, but that town creeps me out every time I drive through it! Thank you.
Silkstone: I'll look up your post...and you bring up another great point...higher increase not only in STD's but pregnancy as well. Duh, I forgot that important point! Thank you.
Julie: I am preaching to the choir aren't I. That's OK...I needed get this off the proverbial chest. Thanks for your comment!
Just Cathy: Never heard of purity rings? Lucky you! Thank you for your beautiful, loving and supportive comment to me. You are the best and you know how empty my world would be without you in it.
Michael: YOU are the only exception to this rule!
Tom: Your comment made me laugh out loud and what you write is so true. I lived it. Thank you.
Dayna: I wholeheartedly agree. I should in all fairness mention "Dr. Clap". Yes, Dr. Clap. The all girl's Catholic high school I went to brought in Dr. Clap every year for our annual sex talk. He was a wonderful man and I remember his positive words about the enjoyment of sex...all in the context of marriage of course...but still positive words about all that sex has to offer. Thanks for reminding me.
Roger/Chicago Guy: Well thank you!!!!
Robin: You are not alone, not by a long shot.
Dennis: Your comment, as usual, is deserved of a post in and of itself. Thank you! You always add so eloquently deeper reflection that reveals more of how I feel, just that I am woefully inadequate at times in saying it. THANK YOU and you know, it is always a treat to "see" you.
What drives people to this kind of insanity in such large numbers? Bristol Palin stumping for abstinence. Right.
(Just say "know.")
And to think, the first year in my college dorm I fell in w/some pot-smoking engineering students who practically laid out my frosh, get-sex-quick plan, condoms included.
I have such a special contempt for those who foist purity rings onto kids' fingers and abstinence-only education into our schools. The rings weren't in when I was in Southern Baptist school, but the brainwashing was. Ugh.
This is such an important post, told in a meaningful, interesting way that kids can identify with.
The most damaged people I know are the ones who measured their value by their "purity".
This is what we all are. We have ideals and we have reality. In the end, its not bad to aim for a higher standard and come up short. What is wrong is that coming up short becomes a vehicle for inducing shame, and thereby control, into young people's lives. And in order to avoid shame they are ill prepared for the experience and end up with a host of other problems that further induce shame!
I love how you use your own experience to bring this out. Wondeful piece Mary.
Figuring out that your beloved has feet of clay (and leaves the toilet seat up) is also best done at some other time than after the big day and when you are supposed to be having the time of your life.
I find the flaw in the Purity Ring movement is that it focuses (in most cases) of Girls without equal emphasis on boys being pure. It really does not work when only half the team is on board.
Also, our relationship system for young couples is sort of a loaded deck. Our society (including church groups) throw young teens together in situations that is guaranteed to move towards greater and greater intimacy, and then expect them to naturally stop the process at some artificial line.
Humans are designed to bond. If you put two people together for long periods of time they will natural begin the bonding process and the longer they are together the stronger the desire to move towards the final stages.
Your story is not uncommon. Even within evangelical circles that place a high value on chastity a majority of engaged couples end up in a sexual relationship before marriage with their spouse. The guilt, the feeling of betrayal are mingled with the all most over whelming desire to bond with the one you love. And it will only get harder as our society keeps lengthening the courting process for years.
Dr. Donald Joy in his book Bonding suggested couples wishing to "wait until marriage" should really consider shorter engagements because once the bonding process starts it will move naturally to the final steps of bonding. One's faith and convictions may slow the bonding process, but it will not stop it.
Emma: You're right...icky is too nice a word. It is emotional incestuous and that goes way beyond icky.
irritated: Hah! I knew I had you at the Jonas Bros...let us know how you and Steve are doing!
Cap'n: I said it before and I said it again. If it's forbidden, it's hot. If it's repressed, it's not!
jimmy: Yes the whole nuns and priests teaching us about sex...of course, then again, those priests probably were having sex!!!
Rich: What's crazy about Bristol Palin are the many people who thinks this makes sense. Crazy!
Seattle: Purity Ring Porn..of course!
kellylark: Thank you!
coffeegryl: Actually I was hoping for a little more opposition. I could find another site that would be sure to ignite something!
David: Well aren't you lucky you never heard of this? You hang out with the right crowd, that's all I can say. Thanks for reading!
jenlillith: Brainwashing sucks and it happens every day. Takes years to wash it out. Thanks for the comment.
Lea: Thank you!
Renaissance: Thank you and so now I'm reminding you of your cousin but the story is not surprising at all. And really, what is Purity? What is that???
Tim4change: You make the great distinction of reality vs. our stories, and reality always wins!!! The shame sucks and is so unnecessary really. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Malusinka: Wow, the pressure there must be on the wedding night! Yikes. Great point. Thanks for the comment.
M Todd: I can always count on you to add a comment that could be a post. Excellent insights and I also have to wonder, why the waiting at all? I don't just get it. Sex is important, critical, essential AND it's not all that (illness, time away, children, etc.). It takes so much to make a good marriage work...for bonding to work. Thanks so much for being so thoughtful and adding so much.
...and yet, who among us wants to think of their kids having sex at 14 or 15? How young is too young?
Is it any less misguided to not freak out when your 17 year old is sexually active, but freak out when your 15 year old tells you they want to start using birth control?
Was it because of financial reasons and our expectations that married couples are financially and emotionally independent of their parents? (And don't live in dorms).
If abstinence is going to work (and I'd be perfectly happy if it didn't) the movement should have a focus on getting people married earlier.
Getting teens to wait longer before sex is a good idea. But asking a 17 year old to wait 10 years if ludicrous.
I don't know what it is.
But I guarantee you that on any college campus tonight, with a little too much liquor and a little too many teenage hormones, a lot of the women wearing those purity rings ain't so pure any more.
i'm working on a study investigating girls' views and experiences on oral sex. teens are smart and figure out ways around limitations like these pithy rings. however, if we don't get them the accurate information they need then the results are a public health disaster.
let's give them the accurate info they need to make one of their first and very important "adult" decisions!
Malusinka: I didn't want to marry to have sex. That notion always seemed ridiculous to me. So even though I wanted to "wait" until I was married, I also knew that I would never rush marriage to have sex. Given the choice, I chose the guilt-ridden sex over a premature marriage. I agree that it is better for teenagers to not be sexually involved until they are ready emotionally, physically and spiritually. The trick is on how to "get" them to do that! Better to focus on the tools, not the outcomes. Thanks for your comment.
Tony: You're a man of integrity! And a man of reality. I think maybe "pure" isn't all it's cracked up to be! Does anyone remember Tammy?
ChoraScholarette: You make an excellent point! Oral sex has become the new foreplay. I have a male client who thought oral sex was safe and stayed away from intercourse. He now will be suffering the rest of his life with a very nasty case of herpes...a condition that has dramatically changed his life. Education is key. Thanks for your comment and welcome!
I on the other hand, with 2 tween girls - while I get creeped out by the possibility of them being sexually active by the time they reach high school - realize that I don't have any moral high ground from which to pontificate, and figure that when the time comes the best approach is just to make sure that they have all the information and that I've raised them to make wise decisions.
My high school girlfriend was a bit surprised by my attitude, and me likewise.
It struck me how strange it is that when our perspective changes from that of a teen to that of a parent, we find the prospect of our kids making the same choices that we did to be so horrifying. I guess it's a control thing.
And while there's still a long way to go until our society can openly discuss the issue of teen sex, it seems like in just a generation we've made a lot of progress in the way that parents talk to teens. My parents - granted they were the WWI generation - were too embarassed to talk to us kids about anything.
The only birds-n-bees talk I ever got was when I was in high school and dating my girlfriend. One day while watching TV a public service announcement having something to do with birth control and my dad, without even looking up from his newspaper, kind of mumbled under his breath - "you might want to watch this".
I'd like to know where the proud Dad was during this tearjerker-coming-of-age-ceremony. He's probably divorced and getting his somewhere else. Seems to me this is how his ex-wife got him back for leaving her.
YUCK!!!
YUCK!
Recently while at church (wife likes to go - I pick it apart in my mind and identify the psychological levers being employed, consciously and unconsciously during the service) I remarked to my 12-year-old daughter how in the worship at the beginning one of the songs, which we sang repeatedly had a line that basically said how altogether UNWORTHY we are in the sight of God. Then at the end of the service, during the closing prayer the pastor asked God to help anyone who was suffering from feeling UNWORTHY!!
What bugs me most about the church and sex though is that most people don't get married until they're at least in their late 20s and it is completely unrealistic to imagine that folks - religious or not - will wait that long to have sex. Plus, it seems almost a shame to wait that long anyway since by then people are missing out on their best years.
My wife and I knew one couple who were high school sweethearts but didn't have sex until they were married at around the age of 30, due to religious dedication. Years later, the woman made the less-than-religiously correct statement,"I should have fucked him when he was still thin!"
...and don't get me started on religious prohibitions against lusting and masterbation...arghhh...I don't know what it's like to be a teenage girl, but if you're a teenage boy and your church is telling you that you're pissing God off by having sex, but by the way you can't take care of things yourself either....
Great post, nothing to add to the mountain of comments...except very well written!
the whole idea is based on absurd ideas about the "wrong" of biology and the "right" of imaginary things like souls and heaven.
We exist. We need to procreate. Somehow the fundamentalists don't get the big questions right: Are we honest? Do we choose people who respect us? Are we willing to govern ourselves for long-term good?
Eheheh. One of Ann Landers' most famous letters said everything there is to say about why waiting for marriage is a big mistake. Short version: Mortician groom on his honeymoon insists that his wife take a cold bath and lie perfectly still before he will make love to her. Wife flees, and wrote in to Landers to ask if that was a normal "wifely duty" she was supposed to perform. An extreme case, but in general, people obsessed about sexual purity before marriage are people with major issues.
THEY DON'T WORK
leaves open (not 'begs', since there is no circular reasoning here) the question: 'at _what_?'. I would say that they succeed at helping to keep the young in line, much as the drugs laws succeed well at making many darker people into prisoners whilst they help perpetuate crime that makes white guys like me more afraid of them, and so more afraid of getting poor myself, and so more compliant at work.....
Of course, there's the old Marcusian idea that chastity itself makes someone into a person more easily used by external forces as a tool whose internal struggle can be cathected into legitimised rage---you can't Do It with Becky, but you _are_ allowed to help lynch Jim.... I have no idea if this is true; I must distrust it because it _seems_ so true without much evidence I've yet seen.
But perhaps the programmes, and the chastity meme itself, survive because a guilt-ridden person who feels at war with her own self_is_ much more easily manipulable. When survival was a much more dicey business, and we needed the labour of pretty much everyone, this may have been extremely important---you might want that pile of dung shifted without explaining in detail why at that moment, and a sullen teen with enough self-confidence to say, 'I would prefer not to,' would be damned inconvenient.
Maybe it also teaches most young people an important lesson: in the end, you are a worm unable to control his own desires. This is important training for future consumers---I mean, if they started by trying teaching self-control of a weaker desire, or a more moderate and reasonable control of sexual desire, our teens might learn actual self-control, and then where would we be?---for one thing, I think our population accept external control---of force by the government, of resources by the rich and corporations using violence potentially supplied by the government, of thought by religious leaders and family----so well because they know that they have little self-control.
And they might be right; the Teabagging mobs inspire in me the fear of what many people would do were they not restrained by law, as did the 'Sixties' mobs in others of a more conservative bent. I don't want to fall prey to fear and give power to my Inner Authoritarian, but I listen and watch and think, 'These are _precisely_ the people a well-regulated militia would exclude---they inveigh against any of their guns' being taken away in such a way as to make the prospect seem more reasonable.
Your question about whether a man or woman can keep a marriage vow after failing to keep a 'purity' vow is both question-begging (it assumes that having sex makes you impure) and an apples-orange question on a practical level. You're basically asking, 'How can you live on three meals a day when you were unable to fast for more than five?' (my personal limit).
And:
I wouldn't that your daughters went and had sex with 'all the guys [they] want' until marriage; I would have them have sex with all the guys they wanted and that they think will be good to them, considerate, and moral both in and out of bed. For most people, including me, that works out to monogamous sex, often serially monogamous, after the age of (say) sixteen; I know promiscuous and polyamorous people who claim they're doing great, and people who started earlier and are fine, but these might be the stunt-drivers of the emotional/sexual world. Saying _that_ to a young woman is much more in tune with reality as she will be able to observe it than, 'If you ever have sex before marriage it will be a tragedy that leaves you worthless and will only hurt you.'
(Note: this is not a 'feminist' position, though the word is not the snarl-word to me that I'd gather it were to you; it is a freedom-loving Enlightenment position: pleasure is good if its consequences aren't too bad, suffering is not good in and of itself, tradition is at best a mixed guide to decent behaviour.)
I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of a corresponding event for mothers and sons. That would be over the top icky even for these folks, I suppose. And anyway, boys will be boys.