AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 9 PREMIERS ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

No, you did not just wake up from a bad dream.

Yes, it has been exactly 229 days since my last American Idol post…the one titled “I Hate American Idol”. 

The one where I was devastated and shocked by the American Idol Final Results Show.  The one where I shared pictures of beautiful and gracious m.a.h. who has great connections and got us premier seats to the live-in-person results show in Hollywood.  The post where I vowed to give up American Idol forever and watch reruns of Gilligan’s Island.  The post where many of you heaved a huge sigh of relief when I said my American Idol days were over.

I lied.

Well, actually I didn’t lie because at the time I was in state of denial and disbelief when the admittedly cute Kris Allen won the much coveted American dream at the expense of the incredibly talented and completely ripped off by Fox, Sprint and the texting tweens of Arkansas, Adam Lambert.

(Adam is one edgy guy--he's like a male version of Madonna--no way America or Carrie Prejean was going to let him win) 

I know it sounds like I’m a sore loser but truly I’m not.  This is about truth, justice and the American way.  Lambert’s debut album sold 198,000 copies of For Your Entertainment, easily beating out Kris Allen’s 80,000 copies of his self-titled debut (the lowest first-week sales of all the American Idol winners I might add).

Adam Lambert was picked by Barbara Walters as one of the ten most interesting people of 2009.  Lambert graced the cover of Rolling Stones Magazine and created controversy and some gasps at the American Music Awards when he kissed a boy, god forbid.  The man is on a roll, so you can see why I didn’t overreact when he didn’t win.  It was just so WRONG.

So after the shock and incredulity wore off, and months of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and EMDR (it’s complicated) therapy were endured, I came out of my coma-like state to rejoin the world…just in time for the Premier of American Idol, one week from today!

I’m so excited!  But first I need to get something off my chest.  As hard as it may be to believe, last season, there were from time to time, some real downer comments on my American Idol posts.

I’m not speaking of the feuds I had with the Kris Kringle fanatics.  That’s good ole competition at its best and I love a good rivalry.  I’m referring to those who accused me of not being funny…this happened a lot.  Some people wondered what kind of therapist could be so catty and cruel towards the likes of those like Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson.  Several people questioned how I could spend any part of my day on such trite and superficial drivel, especially given the fact that the world is going to end in 2012.

To all you negative nillies, take a chill pill, puhlease. I never said I was funny, ok?  Sure, I laugh at my own jokes, and when I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I confess to rereading one or two of my  AI posts from the past and I crack myself up...literally, like I'm laughing and the tears are rolling down my face and I'm sprawled out all over the bed (my husband does not find this amusing).  I really get a kick out of myself, I do, and yes, I know that I'm the only one and that I'm really not funny at all.  I've accepted this (more therapy was required).  

This is my once a week outlet to have some fun, gossip, and share with you and millions of other avid American Idol fans, my thoughts, impressions and observations of the contestants and the judges as the season rolls on.

This may sound defensive, and it probably is, but I spend my professional days in some very serious stuff...working with those going through major life transitions, loss of jobs, fractured marriages, damaged psyches, kids who have lost their way, blended families that are a lumpy mess...the list could go on and on. There is no shortage of suffering.

But what were the stories that people turned to during the Depression? They weren't stories of more news about the depression and the plight of the poor. They were stories like Seabiscuit, the unlikely underdog horse who captured the heart of the nation.

People flocked to escapist movies like The Wizard of Oz, Gone With the Wind, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  Those silly slapstick Marx Brothers, W.C. Fields and Bob Hope made people laugh through those challenging times.

I suppose we could call them superficial for wanting to escape the realities of those dark days, but you won't find me doing that.  I aspire to be like them.

So, in this dark economic climate, a world whose weather patterns are hormonal (is that misogynistic?), health care run amok…for those of you who want a little escape, a little nothingness, my once a week American Idol recap may be just the ticket!

So, without further adieu , let’s take a glimpse at Season 9 of American Idol:

THE JUDGES:

SIMON:  The Main Man, the guy with the last word, the guy people love to hate and hate to love.  I want to know  how is Simon doing without Paula Abdul?  It's still hard to believe she's gone...she who provided so much entertainment for us all with her half-closed eyes and tipsy swaying body going from side to side in her chair while she rambled on an on about things not even Simon could understand.  Those two were a good pair. Maybe Simon can start something up with Ellen, who unfortunately never seems to be drunk or out of it.   She's not going to be into Simon either so no potential chemistry between the two of them.   He'll have to get creative.  Maybe he could start vocalizing his beliefs that gays shouldn't be allowed to get married and then some kind of in-fighting could occur.  Or he could try to hit on Ellen's wife...that could cause some sparks for sure.

RANDY JACKSON:  Randy is the bong yo dog!  Or is it bomb?  Some ill-informed commenter told me it was the bomb, but since I’m from Boulder, I’m sticking with the bong and that’s that.  Besides, you did all know that 2010 has been dubbed The Year of the Bong thanks to the progressive and intelligent decision on our good President’s part to stop catastrophizing this beneficial and medicinal herb.

KARA “BOBBLEHEAD"  DIOGUARDI: For those familiar with my AI posts, I never made it a secret that Kara drove me crazy.  I almost returned to my ex-favorite Chardonnay because she irritated me so much, but I resisted. I have to be somewhat nicey-nice here because I did meet Kara’s first cousin, a gentle and beautiful woman who flew in with her son for the American Idol finale.  We became friends after she overheard me dissing Kara and her empty and bobblehead ways to another complete stranger whose ear I’m quite sure was bending before my very eyes.  Kara’s cousin politely asked me to stop and I did (I was truly mortified I can tell you that).  But she never asked me to stop FOREVER, so no guarantees on my part as to what I will be saying about her famous cousin.

ELLEN DEGENERES:  This is a tough one.  How can you be catty and petty about Ellen Degeneres?  Talk about nicey nice.  She just oozes niceness, goodness and mirth.  Conservative religious anti-gay women love Ellen Degeneres.  Their equally conservative religious anti-gay husbands love Ellen Degeneres.  She’s a regular Miss Congeniality.  I was really hoping they would replace Paula Abdul with someone else that was always keeping us guessing…is it Percocet or is it Vodka?  

This just feels so wrong...really, Paula Abdul just isn't replacable:

You just had to love Paula's saucy wacky ways 

THE HOST: 

(He may be fooling his parents, but he isn't fooling me)

THE HOST:

RYAN SEACREST:  Ryan could use a few tips from Adam Lambert, but that’s between the two of them.  Do you see this guy?  He’s like EVERYWHERE.  And honestly, I don’t get it.  How does this guy get all these gigs?    He’s just not all that, but there he is.  The banter between him and Simon has gotten really old, so he better come up with something fresh and original (and I’m not talking about his latest boy toy).

 THE CONTESTANTS:

 Here’s what you have to look forward to:

A Wannabee Adam Lambert Look Alike

Hey, I met her at the Finale Show.  She was an AI contestant who got bumped off early.  She was sitting  in back of me (despite her AI fame, I had better seats!)  We became new BFF's right there in the Nokia Theater because she was just as shocked and dismayed as me when Perfect Adam lost.

I didn't know Carrot Top had a kid!

 Condom AI?  Isn't this a family show?

 Elvis is in the house!

 Pat or Pat in the house

 Scary stage mom with daughter who can't sing

Scary teenagers who can't sing 

 Scary stage father with daughter who can't sing

Scary medieval adults who can't sing

Scary Allyson wannabee (except with blue hair)  who can't sing 

Well, that's just the tease...now we'll all have to wait seven more long days for the actual real life premiere of AMERICAN IDOLATRY*...  America's most popular show and favorite past time for those long cold winter nights that will turn into cool spring evenings...geez this show is gonna go on for a long  time. 

I have a sinking feeling about this coming season...like I know I'm gonna get manipulated, duped and my heart stomped all over again.  Suddenly, those Gilligan’s Island reruns aren’t looking so bad…

*Thank to the brilliant Liz Emrich for coining this term.