Denver…home to thin air, mountains that tease from a distance, and a head NFL football coach who looks so young, you’d swear he’s still nursing, was home to American Idol, Season 9 Auditions.  Speaking of thin, I had to wipe my eyes to make sure I was seeing correctly.  Was this déjà vu?  The nightmarish kind of déjà vu …you know…like one of those recurring nightmares where some evil shadowy person is relentlessly chasing you and there’s nowhere to hide?

No, I was not hallucinating.  It was Victoria “You Can’t See Me If I Turn Sideways” Beckham; Posh Spice herself repeating her appearance as a guest judge.  Why was she getting a second chance?  Her last appearance was a bust and I won’t even go there with any kind of clever word play because that would be downright mean and catty.

However, I will say this. Victoria Beckham looked like an anorexic Tootsie Pop. 

To all the young girls in America:  This is not a good look!  It is not attractive, sexy or appealing in any way, shape or form, I don’t care what Randy said.  He lied.  Men love shapes and curves and some actual body fat.  Not that you should care what Randy or men in general like.  But listen to your Auntie Mary. Eat and be proud of it!  Love yourself and your body.  Ok?  Ok, good.

On to the recap of the newly legalized marijuana state and Mile High Reefer Madness…

Mark Labriola was the first contestant.  At first glance, I sighed and thought to myself, “A loser right off the bat!  A time waster...I’m so over these loser contestants”…Oh, how quickly I judged and then bam, the judges liked this guy who came with the sob story of being on the run when he was seven…his mother took him away from his father and took off for parts unknown.  Simon was suddenly Dr. Phil, asking Mr. Labriola about his childhood and did he ever reunite with his father and how were things with his mother?

It turned into group therapy when the rest of the judges got caught up in the dysfunction of this guy’s life and enabled him to go on to Hollywood, despite a so-so voice.  He did have a really cute kid though, and I’m particularly fond of cute kids because I find them to be quite rare.  Mark shed fatherly crocodile tears and I found myself suddenly rooting for him.  I’m a sucker for cute kids and weepy fathers.

Suddenly, there were blurs of obscene gestures and cuss words.  Hey, there were kids present!  I was so happy to be from Boulder and not rude Denver where the contestants were being extremely bad sports.  There was the bird sign, swearing like sailors, and hitting the TV cameras.  There were more bleep outs than Grammy night.  Those contestants needed an anger management course ASAP.

But not Kimberly Kerbo, a pretty and perky brunette, who was next.  Unfortunately, Kimberly brought her 5-year-old daughter who was not so cute and had been inappropriately taught by somebody to try to act sexy and adultish.  I said this last week and I'll say it again.  I HATE IT WHEN PARENTS DO THIS TO LITTLE KIDS!  It wouldn’t surprise me if Kimberly took part in the recent Bruno movie where the star-struck and despicable parents were willing to sell their children for fifteen minutes of fame.  Kimberly ended up having a decent enough voice and lucky for her, the judges lost all sense and sensibility and continued to go soft.  Kimberly was told she’s going to Hollywood and let’s just hope she gets a babysitter…I think the Nanny could be the last resort for her kid.

Next contestant, Danelle Hayes, was another single parent with a 3-year-old son.  Were these last two contestants part of the Pregnancy Pact?  Danelle managed to have a powerful voice and Simon continued playing couch psychiatrist.  “I like you and you seem almost broken and you came here just in time so we could rescue you from corporate hell.  I don’t think you’ve been allowed to be who you are.”  Maybe Simon and I could open a private practice together. 

Casey James:  Cougar alert!  Kara and Tootsie Pop suddenly sat up in their seats.  They were very excited about this blond haired blue-eyed Jeff Bridges (think a YOUNG Jeff Bridges) look alike.  They were squirming in their seats yelling out "oh’s" and "ah’s".  I felt embarrassed for them, making fools out of themselves for a blase looking Casey James.  Despite the mellow blue eyes, he wasn’t all that. For starters, he wasn’t a single parent and he didn’t bring a kid…cute, creepy or otherwise.  Bobble Head and Tootsie forgot it was the American Idol auditions and thought they were Chippendale judges. They made Casey lose his shirt and I lost my lunch.  Simon was appropriately embarrassed and was seen counting his fingers to mark down the hours and minutes left he is stuck in this singing competition gone to strip club hell.

Casey was given the go ahead for Hollywood and David Beckham called some private investigators!

Tori Kelly was 16 going on 30.  Tori also brought a cute kid with her and Sesame Street continued.  What was wrong with me?  I’m quite sure I was not watching this show to be subjected to a bunch of adorable and/or pukeable kids!  I wanted to watch SINGERS.  Where were the singers?  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  I was having a first rate tantrum watching these Denver auditions.

Simon’s classic line of the night went to the unnamed woman who ruined my eardrums for life, “You have just killed every cat in Denver.”   I haven’t heard a meow since.

Nicci Nix:  Nicci, despite the made up sounding name and fact that her speaking voice sounded like she’d just inhaled some helium (I swear I said this before Simon did), Nicci cinched a spot to Hollywood by flying fourteen hours from Italy for the Denver auditions. Nicci was not nixed like I thought she should be, but gets more frequent flier miles with a flight to Hollywood. She was an OK singer, but hey, as Olive Oyl so astutely pointed out, she had great skin!  If she doesn't make it as a singer, she could make it as a voice-over for a cartoon character.  I hear Disneyland is hiring.

Second to last contestant:  Haeley Vaughn, a miracle baby, weighing only 2 pounds at birth!  Haeley expressed a desire to be a black pop country singer.  And why not?  Randy said one hundred million gazillion katrillion infinity percent she could and Simon and the others agreed. 

The final contestant:  A wannabe Bikini Girl except he was Bikini Boy.  I refuse to include a picture out of pure Rocky Mountain High principle.  No one could get stoned enough to stomach that picture (and believe me, I tried!).

I lied.  Ty Hemmerling was oddly earnest and sincere as the ill fated Bikini Boy who will never see the fame and fortune that Bikini Girl did (and no way was I going to put in a picture of her.  She is so way over her 15 minutes of fame).

Heaving huge sighs of relief, THE AUDITIONS FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES ARE OVER!  Tomorrow night is a recap of all the auditions including new auditions from the previous audition cities.  Sounds confusing and forgettable already.

BRING ON ELLEN AND HOLLYWOOD WEEK!

I feel for Ellen.  Talk about high expectations.  There hasn’t been this much anticipation since the second coming of Christ.  And those people are still waiting.  We don’t have to.  Ellen arrives next week and the pressure is on.  She needs to pull off a miracle and redeem this god awful of a Season 9 American Idol.  The judging has been lackluster, the guest judges a basic disaster, and Simon has gone so soft, I swear he's become Paula possessed.  I also detected a slur in his speech last night.  Ellen may have to perform an exorcism.  

In conclusion, after four interminable excruciating weeks of tens of thousands of poor singers, people desperate to do anything, wear anything, say anything, BE anything...let the real American Idol begin!

Um, in a week.  We just have to wait one more week.