Mary, I can't begin to tell you exactly how much I identify with these sentiments. I've reached the point that I don't think much about the dreams anymore, but rather do my best to focus on the reality of my daily life - and make no mistake, it is a good life. Just not the one of my dreams. Thanks for the post. r.

This is an important lesson, Mary: "We cannot control the realities that happen in our lives, but we can control the way we perceive them.

I would add, we can control the way we respond to them. This is an important topic, and you articulated it well.

"life happens", but isn't it all about how we deal with it?

Given me something to think about on this Wednesday morning. -r

Mary, a great post that tells the story of what so many are feeling! "Every dashed dream, deflated hope, bitter disappointment, loss of something or someone we love, is really an opportunity in disguise."--this is definitely worth remembering the next time one's dreams fall apart!

I recently read Byron Katies book: Loving What Is. It's a life changing book that lays out what you are saying. It's our "stories" that hurt us. Reality is what it is and if we could just embrace reality instead of our made-up stories we'd be much happier.

Interesting point on a lack of empathy. Nature or nurture?

You say so much here about raising children to dream and yet be real. That is a good trick. I was sad to see my daughters have to deal with the horrors of life. But proud that they seem to have some sort of strength to keep picking themselves up and continuing on down the road. Strong ladies. Did I do that?

Hi Mary:
Excellent post. Especially your thoughts on those youth growing up lacking empathy. As parents and teachers, that lesson needs to be hammered home and we are not doing a good job with teaching our kids to honor or respect anybody or anything (including their parents).

Too much bullying and other brutality against others comes from the "entitlement" and "aren't I special" attitudes taking root in today's youth. I believe much of this is from parents doing what I call "soft" parenting. Being firm and concise with their messages and backing up words with action is hard to accomplish in a world where dual incomes are needed just to keep afloat -- exhausted parents do what they can with what energy they have left at the end of the day. It is a socioeconomic issue as much as a problem for those taking the path of least resistance in parenting their kids.

The only thing I can say in favor of teaching a child that anything is possible, however, is that those children that really are "gifted" need encouragement and an openness to find an area in which to succeed. In college, I found those that believed they were special (back in the 70's) actually did better than those without the same level of self-esteem -- but it was self-esteem born of self-knowledge reinforced by reality -- not the "words" and feelings of entitlement that have created a society of junior sociopaths...

I believe there is a difference between healthy self-esteem and that entitled belief of "specialness". We all need checks and balances to what is possible in life and learn to adapt to our changing circumstances with grace. It is really hard MOST of the time but if a child does not learn this, they are going to be unhappy and frustrated adults...

I agree with you completely! I especially appreciated this statement: "We cannot control the realities that happen in our lives, but we can control the way we perceive them."
In my opinion, that is one of the importances of instilling a belief in God and some sort of afterlife....for me in particular, the notion of Christ and the cross he bore. We can do our damnest to succeed and live a good life, but if things don't turn out the way we want, God is there for us to lean on and help us through those rough times....even if it's through one another. My faith strengthens me like no other.
Back to you going to college. My Dad was the opposite. He said it was important for me to get a degree just in case marriage didn't work out. At least then I would have that piece of paper to support myself. Excellent post!

Hey Mary T - I've gotta tell ya I've been reading you for over a year now and your writing is getting better and better. I loved this - and it's coming to me at the perfect time. Isn't that what "The Secret" says will happen? ( ;

There are a few people whose dreams land on their doorsteps like a gift-wrapped present from the Universe - without any struggle or sometimes even an intention. My dream came true before I even dreamed it! How lucky am I?

For the rest of us, we work hard and keep our eye on the prize and hope that reality doesn't hand us a zinger that we can't overcome. I've noticed that you work harder than almost anybody, so barring any unforeseen circumstances I think you're going to make some of your dreams come true (the writing ones) and you're inspiring the rest of us that they can happen as well.

As for the rest of it? I blame Oprah.

Does the time come when one is faced with the cold reality that things will never get better that it is okay to just throw in the towel and try to make the best of a bad situation? How long is long enough to try to keep your head above water?

Mary, you're a born teacher, a born counselor. And the best of those know from experience how to apply empathy. I've often said that kids (and mostly talking about my own) are born with a capacity for empathy but that that vessel isn't often filled unless it's modeled in the home. And what a gift you've been to me. Thanks Mary.

Low self esteem can be very damaging. But that doesn't mean high self esteem is good. In many ways it's just as harmful.

I'm half serious when I say that parents should seek to raise their kids to by cynical and jaded.

or, as John Lennon sang
"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans."
I think one of the best books I ever read was "Passages" not for great writing, but for letting me know I wasnt alone in the fellings I was having related to my age and condition in life. Yes, we have dreams and yes we have realities; accepting that both are a part of the daily human condition makes the loss of one and the sting of the other a whole lot easier to take.
Nice piece Mary.

One of my all-time favorite sayings is: You are unique--just like everyone else.

I think that statement grows more profound the more I think about it. We need to help our kids learn that they're OK--when they are. And we must help them learn that certain behaviors, certain attitudes, are not OK. I'm very concerned when I see young people act like they think they're better than everyone around them--but don't realize that hard work is the only way to get what they most desire. When a person doesn't have respect for others (and the property of others) then they really don't have respect for themselves.

Yes, they are unique--but so is everyone else. It's that uniqueness that should encourage everyone to respect not only their own uniqueness but that of everyone else as well.

Lovely post, Mary. Thank you. Rated. D

...and "shit happens!" Are you saying we can find the bits of gold in that?! I'll take a pass there, but I do know what you are saying here. Got scared for a minute and thought someone or something pulled the rug out from under you in some way I was unaware. Want to be sure you are ok and that this is rhetorical and not some portent of bad news thinly disguised. You are my rock, kiddo and my protective instincts are standing on end, ready to defend or fend off any demons in your path. As ignorant as mom and dad were about your need for further education, I do believe that was a catalyst in making you the strong woman you are today. So many dreams of yours have been realized and some are continuing to manifest in many ways you never saw coming. Keep on dreaming the dreams...reaching higher...and in living color.

Great food for thought. I was never taught to follow my dreams. And my parents pretty much rolled their eyes at mine. Then again, I had some pretty crazy ones. Still, I think my mother could have laughed a little less scornfully at my announcement, when I was nine, that I was going to be the first woman Pope.

That said, it's still better to have dreamed and lost, than never to have dreamed at all. And if you've genuinely worked towards your dreams, there's always something you can use from the shattered pieces.

Must be hard to be a therapist though. Must be pretty rare that somebody comes to you to deal with the disappointment of having actually achieved all their dreams.

Truthfully, if you can't look around fairly regularly and appreciate what a gift it is to just be alive, then all the achieved dreams in the world aren't going to mean shit anyways.

Makes sense in relation to the "entitlement" many folks seem to carry with them. There's gotta be a balance in there somewhere. We're lucky with the Giant - life has thrown us a number of curveballs over the years, some of which could probably have been prevented, at least in retrospect. At 16, he seems to still have some youthful idealism, tempered by the knowledge that it ain't always easy. I guess I'm still working on finding the balance between having a dream and real life, and occasionally still figuring out the difference between the "story" and "reality."

Life and reality happens. And our dreams get dashed. Sometimes through happenstance and sometimes (oftentimes) through self-inflicted wounds. The key then becomes perseverence. Remember what Rocky said in his last movie "Rocky Balboa" when he was talking to his kid? "Life ain't about how hard you can hit; it's about how hard you can get hit and still keep going." Yeah, that old Rocky guy was pretty smart. So are you.

Reality has a strange way of revealing itself Mary! Sad fact, we protect our children from the disappointments we know life doles out... Are they better prepared for it? Providing realistic vision, with all that love
seems the right approach... Good Post Doc.! RRR

"the ways we perceive them"...so true. Our pay got cut in half after 18 yrs. in business. Seemed bad, but we look to it as an adventure. Had no choice, but to look at it differently. The true blessings are safe and healthy family. Very enjoyable write.

My son, as a child, wanted to be a dentist, I knew we could never afford college and his grades were not going to get him there. I always felt maybe I shouldn't have discouraged him. After reading this and thinking how right you are, maybe I didn't do so bad after all.
Life does get in the way of dreams, doesn't it? Great post!

Great advice. I know I've had a fabulous life, one in which my biggest dreams have been accomplished because one huge dream failed.

This should be required reading for both my kids-- for very different reasons.

I type this as I'm spending my lunch time hiding in my car, practicing breathing exercises to calm me down from the challenges at home. This reminds me I need to back to my "life coach" for a tune up.

Keep writing!

Denese

Mary, I would never have dreamed I would be married again. Life sometimes offers up surprises beyond our ability to dream them. We should never give up on dreaming the seemingly impossible, no matter our age or circumstances. You never know.

"if we really take a look, we might be able to see that it isn’t always life that breaks our hearts but rather our stories, our attachments to what we want" ...

I learned a long time ago that attachment was a sure fire chute to disappointment. "If you love it let it go" is probably true. Attachment to outcome is doom. Release of any attachment at all, with willingness to receive whatever the ship brings in - that's the opposite of disappointment, whatever that word is.

I love ya Mary. You are so wise.

The empathy thing doesn't surprise me, exactly, but it does explain a lot. I don't think it's just kids. Your FOX viewer of ANY age is going to score somewhere in the sub-basement on an empathy test, I'm thinking.

Excellent work.

Wonderful post MaryT.

"A recent poll showed that college students today score 40% lower in empathy skills than those 20 or 30 years older than them."

This is fascinating to me. I totally believe it too. I have struggled with "life getting in the way of dreams" for more years than I care to admit. I'm not over the struggle so I've just decided to keep dreaming.

Totally agree. We tell Little Man sometimes that "this is something you don't get a choice about" meaning that we know this isn't what he wants, but it's going to happen to him anyway, and he'd better find a way to deal with it.

The problem with telling kids that they can be anything they want, is that most parents forget to include the condition: if they work hard enough for it and they are very, very lucky. THe problem isn't that we create in our kids too many dreams, but that we teach these kids that they are entitled to acheive them.

Hey Mary! I think we must have been on a similar wavelength today. I wrote about taking a step toward the future and getting my degree once and for all.

This reminds me of the song, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden." While I never got much encouragement, false or otherwise as a kid, I'm kind of grateful now because I know the difference between real praise for something actually accomplished and simple flattery to pump my ego.

Life happens and dreams are shattered, but we can tape things back together and start over again. We do it every day if we are real survivors.

I have decided that my dreams are what is within my grasp, and I am happier with what I am doing every day. One day my students asked me what the most important lesson my parents had taught me was, and without thinking about it, I answered that it was to work hard to get what you want. I guess that was what we taught our kids too. We are constantly amazed by what hard workers they are. And they seem to do fairly well on the empathy scale, too. Thanks for this post, Mary.

Oh you are so right. Life is not how I pictured it, or my parents pictured it for me...and yet it is LIFE and life is good.

There are many dreams I never even realized I had until the seed of them germinated, fed by circumstances I did not welcome. I'm so glad I tended the garden.

Lovely post, great attitude.

I am forced to begin my comment with this quote: “Every dashed dream, deflated hope, bitter disappointment, loss of something or someone we love, is really an opportunity in disguise.” The universe provided those lessons early in my life! When I think of all the things you have laid out here, I feel very lucky. I feel I have had a blessed life, full of all the disappointments and losses that make up life. But as I reflect back after reading your post, I realize that what made my life different than most others was my total lack of ambition. I’ve always had this feeling that I was born Buddhist. Regardless of how hard the world around me has tried to instill the kind of desire that is required of this incredibly materialistic world, I’ve just been uninterested. And the irony is that material things come to me with no effort, and I still don’t care.

The most wonderful part of my life was when everything I owned fit into a backpack. And I truly believe that nature smiles upon those who do not take from it more than they need to survive. My reentry into the world of things brought with it an acute awareness of how every single THING I attached myself to took something away from my sense of freedom and my ability to flow down the river that belongs to my spirit. The excuse I use now, for clinging to the shore, is my age. I understand that I have wrapped myself in fears, but as long as I keep that awareness, there is a chance I can once again break free and jump back into the water.

Thank you Mary for putting me on this train of thought.

Great post Mary. There's a lot here to think about. good for you for not being held back by the so called reality of your parents.
""We cannot control the realities that happen in our lives, but we can control the way we perceive them."

Mary, we both know where this conversation started for me, and I am nonetheless deeply touched and moved by this enlargement upon the theme. I don't think it's so much that life shatters our dreams but that we are handed scripts in life that just don't make any sense in the face of possibility: possibility not necessarily being what we want, just what could happen. How we roll with the real and unfolding possibilities presented to us every day of our lives helps shape what our destinies will be, not what crazy notions our parents or society planted or stomped on from the beginning. We will be who we will be, but we won't likely be who we imagined we'd be when we were in those formative years. For every "dream" life stomps on it presents a thousand others we're simply not open to exploring -- and we can't explore them all, but we can explore the next, most accessible one. Thank you for this. It's huge. We all are given a mental straightjacket early in life. Some of us reject it up front, some later. The greatest gift may be uncertainty -- and how we respond to it.

Mary, why this doesn't have an EP is beyond me. Especially coupled with the cover story of Miami University of Ohio's sororities completely trashing party venues, including men trying to pee on museum artifacts and couples having sex in public hallways.

The fact is that life more often sucks than is wonderful, but we have to allow the wonderful to keep us going. And don't get me started on "The Secret" or Oprah's "Live your Best Life."

I loved this, and the writing was very good.

How true--each day brings unexpected things, both good and bad. Our job is to teach our children how to be flexible and open so that they can handle anything. So many parents rush to make things better for their children when they have a problem that their kids don't learn how to deal with any sort of conflict on their own.
Great post, Mary!

Algebra has dashed all my dreams. No windows in that room. What were they thinking?

Anyway, I feel much better now that I've given up hope. You can't take it with you if you don't have any to begin with. I'm jiggy with it. Happiness is more important that all that other crap combined.

Like John Lennon said, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

desert_rat: I think you've got it. Focusing on the reality of your daily life...and that life is good. Randy Pausch, "The Last Lecture" advocated taking each day at a time, knowing that you have enough, are enough for that particular day. I think there is great wisdom in that. Thank you for sharing.

Kathy: YES! And, I added that to the context of my post, so thank you very much for that. Often, we don't "respond", we "react" and that is helpful to no one. Great point.

Brian B: Yes, it's 100% with how we deal with it.

DeniseW: Thank you for reading...and reflecting.

designanator: I find that finding the meaning, the purpose, the reminder that we are in so much less control than we think we are, is a grand adventure (oh but oh it can suck at times!). Thank you for your comment.

Deborah: I love Byron Katie's work as well! I can't emphasize enough how much our stories and our expectations cause us such unnecessary suffering. Thanks for bringing up Katie's book.

Gwool: I believe it's a result of all the "you're so special" that has been such a part of parenting since my generation (and yours btw) started having children. It was well intentioned. Many of us were disregarded by our parents...they didn't give a rip about how we were feeling. So, as is the tendency of humans, we went way over to the other side of parenting...indulgence. So my answer to your question: "Nurture"...although it is anything but.

zanelle: I say you should take all the credit for your daughters! Research shows that children who are raised with some kind of difficulty or adversity in their lives, and (this is the important part) given the tools to deal with them, fare much better later in life than the parents who spend all their time hovering over their children. Thanks for reading!

lalucas/Lisa: What a great comment...a post in and of itself. And I agree...big difference between healthy self-esteem and a grandiose sense of self. Thank you so much for writing this! I'm sure it was helpful to many.

patricia k: I'm so happy you have your strong faith..and I know it has served you well, especially in regards to your marriage and your children. I know about your shattered dreams. You are a loving and wise woman, and so was your Dad (except he was a man :).

knightwriter: Ah! You made my day...really, so kind of you to say what you did. And I'm glad my post came at good timing for you. I especially love that you blame Oprah! As for you kind sir, I'm expecting (and it's realistic) and dreaming for you and your stellar writing! It will be fun to watch this all unfold.

bobbot: Maybe the time comes when one is faced to look at the stark face of reality...forget about throwing in the towel...the stark face of reality carries more beauty and promise than anything imagined or fantasized about. How long is long enough? Until your dying breath. Sounds like you're in a low spot, so I don't want to minimize or trivialize that in any way. It's hard to be human, to live in this crazy world as a human. You are a gift to many in so many ways bobbot. Find some strength and joy in that.

bbd: You are so wise about the empathy piece. For many children (and adults) empathy is a skill that needs to be taught, especially for only children. Your kind words to me mean a lot Barry...you are one of my inspirations.

Skeptic: I agree and maybe even "high self-esteem" is an oxymoron. I'm shooting for just "self-esteem". It's enough. As for raising kids to be jaded and cynical. Well, maybe we can let them be children first and then when they are teenagers, life will teach them that soon enough! What I do think is good is to be realistic with our children. Although I just spent some time with my sons (they are in their 20's) and was trying to caution them about the economic state in this country and that they would likely not be able to enjoy the kind of boom we experienced in the 80's. They told me to stop being such a downer. So I did!

Tim4change: "Accepting that both are a part of the daily human condition makes the loss of one and the sting of the other a whole lot easier to take." Wise words Tim!

Yarn Over: "One of my all-time favorite sayings is: You are unique--just like everyone else." Yes that is so true! We are either all unique or we are all either not. I'm going for the unique one, because from a realistic point of view, it's true.

JC: No worries...nothing impending here. I had seen an episode of "Glee" a couple of weeks ago where Patrick Neal Harris's character warns the glee club in quite a brutal way that 90+% of them would never achieve their dreams of becoming famous. It got my head thinking about all of this. And I agree with Mom and Dad...clueless really, doing the best they could and it is a great feeling of accomplishment to know that at the young age of 17, I left house and home for the grand adventure of leaving college and paying my way through it. It was ultimately a gift.

Juliet: Your mother laughed scornfully when you declared you were going to be the first woman Pope? How dare she! As for having clients that come to deal with the disappointment of achieving their dreams, when the focus is on that, it's never enough. I work with incredibly successful wealthy clients who are poor when it comes to their relationships...and I work with many who have a fear of success! Actually, fear of success is HUGE.

You are so right about being alive...if one does a little science homework, it's a frigging miracle we are all here...each and every one of us. We should be running into each other on the streets and saying, "Hi! Can you believe we're alive!!! Isn't this awesome!!!"
Great comment Juliet. Thank you!

Owl: Good point: There is sometimes a fine line between the reality and the story. I find that achieving balance is one of the more elusive goals I've had.

jane: Yes, the entitlement of kids seems to be rampant. And I don't have the quote with me, but there are quotes from ancient times where there are laments from parents about their indulgent children. Maybe it's just human nature.

patrick: Your comment reminds me of the work of Jim Faye: Love and Logic. Great resources for parents and he has books for different ages. The one for teenagers is especially good.

cindy: Yes, this is what I'm talking about and in the counseling biz is known as a "positive reframe". And why not? Why not look at it as a grand adventure? Some would be devastated by their income cut in half, but not you and yours. A great example of focusing on what is really important in life.

Lunchlady2: Your comment reminds me of the parents you see during the auditions of "American Idol". Their kid can't sing worth beans, yet they've been telling them how gifted they are and how they can be whatever they want to be. Then they open their mouths and YIKES! What a disservice they do. Sounds like you handled your son's desires well...more so on the grades part. There are creative and realistic ways of getting through college, but the grades thing. That's a real reality.

denese: I feel for you and relate to that feeling of staying in your safe place before you enter the "storm"! And you make such a great point...one dream fails but it opens the door to another. Nature abhors a void and will fill them...good luck with your tune up!

Lea: Hey, I wasn't surprised you got married again! I've been waiting for it. Too many conscious men out there that would see you, this beautiful adventurous smart conscious loving woman and snatch you up. He's one lucky man!

Gabby: "Attachment to outcome is doom." Yes! And the outcome really isn't the point anyway....it's the process. Except when it comes to bills...those outcomes have to be dealt with :)

hyblaean-Julie: I love you too!!! And thinking about you and your mom today.

Denise: I think I have to agree with you about the Fox news thing!

Roger: Since I know you love Glee, this post was inspired by an episode several weeks ago when the kids were told they would never achieve their dreams. So, I say, "dream on."

Liz: "most parents forget to include the condition: if they work hard enough for it and they are very, very lucky. THe problem isn't that we create in our kids too many dreams, but that we teach these kids that they are entitled to acheive them." You are so wise and Little Man was one lucky little man.

Kat: Good distinction between "real praise" and "simple flattery". Kids seem to sense the difference. Good luck with your degree! You will never regret it.

Susan: Your kids work hard and are empathetic? Good parents!!!!

Buffy: You are such a great role model to what I am speaking about. You've had plenty of reality doled out to you, especially in this last year, yet you are truly someone that finds the treasures in the ashes. We all benefit from you tending your garden!

SpiritManSF: Loved your comment...another post in and of itself. I loved this, "The most wonderful part of my life was when everything I owned fit into a backpack." That says it all, and I may be a broken record, but you always continue to inspire.

trilogy: Thanks for reading! And your very supportive comment.

AJ: Thank you for all the wisdom in your comment. "For every "dream" life stomps on it presents a thousand others we're simply not open to exploring -- and we can't explore them all, but we can explore the next, most accessible one." This is so true!

voicegal: Thanks for your comments about the writing...that is more than appreciated. The sorority story doesn't surprise me at all...I live in a college town and the attitudes are more than disturbing.

Karin: I like your thought on teaching kids to be flexible. So important! And to gently let them no, that surprise of all surprise, they are not the centers of the universe! Thanks for your good comment.

Michael, you can't fool me! I know you are pursuing your dreams, and the hell with Algebra anyway (Oh, I had to take a statistics course in graduate school that practically killed me). You are another great inspiration of someone who has taken the ashes and turned them into diamonds. So good to see you here.

Excellent post. I often tell my children -now 15, 20, and 21, to have dreams-its good to have dreams. But I always caution them to be rooted in reality. Maybe I have a fatalisitc attitude, but it seems that people who have it all-or have realized their dreams-are not any happier or fulfilled than the rest of us. Also, it is always in human nature to want more-if you are at the top at 30, are you going to be unhappy as time goes by and you are no longer on top?
R

We have so many similar thoughts that I could have, and should have, written this.

People my age with children have done them no service by bubble wrapping them. Dreams get shattered because life is not fair to all. Hard work and perseverance are what make dreams happen, they don't fall in your lap.

My life is not what I thought it would be, but in some ways, it's better because I have a whole lifetime of learning experiences under my belt. If I ever get to lie on that tropical beach, it will be because of what I've learned when life wasn't fair.

I couldn't have said it better: "Maybe we can begin to teach them (and ourselves) that we cannot control the realities that happen in our lives, but we can control the ways we perceive them and the ways we respond to them."

Well done, Mary. A thoughtful post regarding another aspect of our magical thinking -- our RIGHT to be happy, successful, fair, etc. Our expectation of what "should" be rather than "what is." BTW, I think you turned out great and, perhaps, beyond what you imagined?

I was supposed to be a gypsy named "Katrinka." Oh well. ;-) xoxo

This jumped out at me: "college students today score 40% lower in empathy skills than those 20 or 30 years older than them." -- I blame the compassion vacuum that is most of reality TV (No I don't include AI!)
Empathy requires comprehension, an ability to imagine the Other. I recently postulated this:
" Ignorance outpaces understanding as an inverse factor of comfort.
(Correll's Formula for Slack-jawed Belligerence Regarding Things Like Vaccinations and Evolution By Affluent Moderns; in short: Correll's formula)"
After reading this intelligent post of yours I think it needs a corollary:
"Empathy diminishes in direct proportion to Correll's formula"
I read but usually don't comment on your step-parent posts. I'll take the opportunity to say they are relevant to me and I love what you do.

Love it, Love it, Love it.
"We can still dream and hope, can’t we? Absolutely! It just may not look what we thought it ought to." Also, don't go around comparing your situation to another person's situation. You only see the surface and what they want you to see.