Several months ago, I was shaken up but not shocked by a study I had read that morning. The study showed that today’s college students scored 40% less in empathy skills than their counterparts of 20 to 30 years ago.
40% less.
Growing up outside of New York City in the 60’s and 70’s, I was aware of the apathy of people. There were horror stories of people who were victims of assaults, witnessed by those who couldn’t be bothered to call for help. As a child, I had a reoccurring nightmare where a stranger would grab me in full public view as I was dragged kicking and screaming for help that never came from the ongoing stares of the crowds passing by.
But today’s younger generation is displaying an elevated level of apathy and inability to show compassion and empathy. I’ve talked to many who also read this study who were as equally disturbed as I. And everyone was asking, “Why?”
One needs only to take a look at popular culture and the obsessive hands on parenting policies so many parents have adopted and this may not be rocket science.
Kids get elaborate graduation parties from KINDERGARTEN. A child joins the soccer team and gets an automatic trophy. Don’t even get me started on high school graduation parties. Here in hippy dippy Boulder, around the end of May, stretch limousines and grandiose parties that host over a hundred kids are common for the high schoolers who are made to feel like Noble Prize winners.
It is no wonder that so many of these kids are scoring lower in empathy skills. They’ve been told since Day 1 how “special” they are. Really? How are these children any more special than any other child born on this planet on any given day?
If you can stomach it, take a day to watch the popular TV shows that so many kids love to watch. If you have a teenager, you should know that there is a good chance they are more than familiar with Snooki and this is not a good thing. “Calling people out for their shit” has become an elevated sport on these shows, the shows that make the Jerry Springer show look like Romper Room.
Rich housewives from parts all over the country who never learned to grow up proven by their continual displays of jealousy, competitiveness, cattiness and complete inability to empathize with even their closest friends are normalized by the reality show producers and the fans that give these women more than their 15 minutes of fame.
Lindsay Lohan, a sad example of the dangers of entitlement, showed that judge a thing or two with her FU boldly emblazed on the nails of both her middle fingers. How dare that judge give Lindsey consequences for her actions, a practice so obsolete we may no longer need the word “consequences” in our modern day vocabulary.
Maybe a lot of parents think that having capacity for compassion and empathy is an autopilot kind of thing, something all babies are born with. But this is not true. For most children, they must be taught to be compassionate. They must be guided by their parents to learn how to step into the shoes of another.
It wouldn’t hurt full-blown grown ups to do the same thing.
A number of years ago I was in a coaching program in San Francisco. I was in training to become a certified “life coach” (an arrogant and offensive term). The wise teachers spent the year sticking the nearest mirror in our faces. They were more than familiar with the human tendency to want to take the log out of everyone else’s eyes but our own.
One afternoon, they gave us a practice. They instructed us to take half an hour and go out into the streets of San Francisco and look into the eyes of every single stranger who passed us by. We were to look at them and think to ourselves, “Like me, this person suffers. Like me, this person experiences fear. Like me, this person is going to age, get sick and eventually die.”
The assignment quite frankly repulsed me. It sounded morose and depressing. Did I really have to think about aging, illness and death? Did I really have to think about my death and the death of every single person I encountered on the street?
But I did as I was told and on that cold foggy summer day, I looked into the eyes of the ones I did not know. I looked at them and saw beyond the trendy city clothes, the hurried walks, and the eyes that avoided. I could feel their underlying pain. I could feel their worries, their struggles, and their deep wounds.
I was them and they were me and my heart was filled with love.
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Jesse Kavadlo
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worth repeating
R.
Every affluent child needs a week in a developing country, minus running water, electricity, public transit, adequate access to safe and reliable health care.
R
Rated.
Thanks for making me take a look at this issue.
Personally, I have too much empathy and easily take on more than I should from others. But hey, I'm a work in progress.
~r~
The only thing that surprises me is that the results surprise anyone. We seem to think that freedom of speech and expression trumps civility and respect. Children accompany adults to protest "fags"...they even carry the signs. The Boy Scouts boo the President and we think it's fine. It's all about "me".
Go back through your American Idol posts and ask that question again.
Where do we all think kids these days are learning their lack of empathy from?
I clicked on the study and read the summary. There is a link at the bottom whereby one can take the “test” and get instant results. Surprising to me I scored about average compared to the participants (I thought I would be higher on the empathy scale). My sense is that these statements are heavily weighted toward empathy as socially desirable and I’m curious what the scale/measure was that was used as a comparison. After all, empathy is a construct and it’s quite possible that these statements aren’t actually measuring empathy at all (perhaps measuring how people think others see them). But that’s for another day.
You do raise some interesting points about our youth; however, I’m a little edgy about how we older folks (okay – just me) seem to want to be coming down hard on youth in general terms. I work with high school kids everyday and they sure are different than 30 years ago – but not necessarily worse. In fact, I see a lot of great kids and am very optimistic about the future. I mean - our empathic generation has brought you three wars, a government that is self-serving, an environment ruined by excesses, ideological purity tests that undermine decent human values (think access to health care), an ineffective education system and do I need to go on?
Thanks for the provocative post. Trust that you are doing well.
Thanks for this Mary, sorry for my rambling comment.
No wonder kids are growing up feeling entitled and with empathy issues, they all think they're God's little gifts. Of course they are, but as you've said, not any more so than any other kids in the world.
But then, the older generation wants to make the younger generation happier, safer, and that keeps increasing, and then bam, there you go again.
"Let's save pessimism for better times."
--- Unknown
gees that was fun. we live in a shallow culture, what can i say, 20ty odd year olds determine our priorities and when you get old they think you have nothing left to contribute unless it's the money you leave them.
However, I do recognize the value of having certain others in society who maintain our collective conscience. People who possess empathy. People who work assiduously to care for the emotional well-being of individuals close to them and not.
You are those people, and you play your role so very well, both in your work and in your writing.
I am glad of it. I acknowledge the important contribution of kind, compassionate people such as you. You care very much, so I don't have to.
Now, where's that damned waitress with my lunch?
Now we are large, fragmented and with no space between us and "the other." To create space, we create emotional distance. I see in the comments people wanting to blame baby boomers (the "me" generation) for caring only for the things that feel good to ourselves. Then we broadcast that around the rest of society with media and culture and the succeeding generations become even more self-centered. That may be a cause, but I dont think THE cause.
As we expand population to an unsustainable point we create the conditions for people to think more about personal survival rather than group survival. So to have a healthy dose of empathy might actually be contra-productive to your survival, because the competition for the space we individually take up is becoming so intense.
Then again, I am neither a psychologist or a sociologist. I am just an observer and maybe full of .........
The average score for US college students across 30 years was 51 out of 70 possible points.
I scored 56 out of 70. Per the test website, that means I scoredhigher empathy than 70% of participants.
I guess I'm tired of playing "what's the matter with kids these days." It pissed me off when the generation above me did it, and wasn't very encouraging of "better" behavior, since it seemed like we just went out of our way to make their judgements true. But I could be wrong . . . wouldn't be the first time . . .
Well, lack of empathy ties to narcissism in huge ways. Boomers were coddled little kids and they have turned around and done the same to their own kids. No sense of accountability. Precious few boundaries. Nothing is ever their fault.
Passed down from one generation to the other, and, with each generation having more than two offspring per unit, it results in a growing pandemic, of sorts, as the good Dr. Blevins insinuated.
the way the students i lived with were exactly as you describe. Spoiled and apathetic, feeling too special to have any concern for the poor girl who got there on grades alone. I left one of the top schools in the US because it made me miserable!
Eye-opening post!
But I do agree that American culture in general seems increasingly horrifyingly shallow, narcissistic and lacking in compassion. But I see that as much in people my age as those who are younger. I think we have a socio-cultural problem, not a generational problem.
I tried an experiment on myself once and decided to try make eye contact with every stranger I closely passed, and if contact was made, I'd say something like "Hi" or "How are you?"
The "meet and greet" is really a win-win. I have to hold my head up to do it properly rather than looking at the ground, which is what I used to do. I also used to hide behind my long hair, so I keep it pretty short these days. It's so good for my self-acceptance/esteem. Social psychologists say "attitude follows behavior" (as I'm sure you know), which is another way of saying "Fake it until you make it." (is this punctuated correctly? Egads!)
I also imagine the people I meet and greet benefit, even if they don't realize it themselves. And almost everyone responds. It's community, really.
get used to it, societies fall apart, empires crumble, humans have not thus far hit on a means of maintaining a sustainable society.
You have said it all so well.
So many great comments and note worthy is Monsieur Chariot's. My husband and I were having an identical conversation the other night. My husband, a history buff, was relaying how no one in history has lived like kings the way we do, other than kings.
I do have hope...studies and research can be wake up calls to parents/adults. And older generations have always been critical of younger generations and vice versa. That just seems to be good old fashioned human nature.
It all starts at home. If the parents are rewarding their little Jack & Jills for just being present in body but not in mind, then unfortunately, it's easy for these kids (and parents) to "be so heartless."
Great piece, Mary. I'm so glad to "know" you and share many similar views on so many different subjects.
When kids are bombarded with a message like that, how COULD they be empathic? We TEACH them to care only about themselves - our entire debased celebrity media culture teaches them to care only about themselves - and then we act surprised when they do.
That way, if they become angry, you're a mile away and they are barefoot.
Kidding aside, Generation X-box people have serious issues with patience and denying themselves the smallest thing. It is the instant-on era, and woe be those that don't get out of the way.
I am impressed with the exercise you were given. There is nothing like looking into another human being's eyes and seeing them as they see the world.
Excellent point that, yes, compassion does need to be taught. I am happy to report that it does still exist in most of the "younger generation" that I know. Good rant, that needs to be said. Thanks Mary K.
Apathy is what we get in a society that has lost faith in its ability to effect change. It would be interesting to see what the study would have been like had Bush not been Pres. for 8 years. We won Obama, but now we are disillusioned because the TV tells us to be.
Is it going to change? what happens if it doesn't?
I lament that I don't have children, at least if I did I'd know that there was at least one compassionate child out there!
"...they must be taught to be compassionate."
Indeed, indeed. That rarely happens, I'm afraid. Because a parent would have to feel compassion in order to teach it. Compassion is being phased out! What a frightening thought.
And most definitely, graduation parties from kindergarten, etc. are disturbing and weird. It's like people think they just invented babies!
I have survived a lot and more often than not lately, even tho, I am guilty of bashing the man I live with, in written word, I do not put down people who are genuine and kind and have issues. I also really feel offended when others can only find the negative in everything on a day to day basis....I correct me a lot, but I usually have to state to others, something about being happy with what they have and are given and to look beyond themselves, for once.....if that makes sense.
Trying to wear another's shoes is always an excellent exercise in self-learning and humility.