If there’s one thing I persist in being astonished about is the insistence by so many people I know: friends, family, and clients who are constantly trying to attain “perfection” in their lives. They want to be the perfect parent, the perfect spouse, the perfect friend, the perfect professional and have the perfect home.
Couples will earnestly sit in front of me and say, “I just want my life to be as perfect as possible.”
“Really?” I ask. “Tell me what that even means because the last time I checked, I haven’t met one perfect person and I’m quite sure I never want to.”
Now, between you and me, I’ve spent a lifetime meeting plenty of people who make it their life’s mission to appear perfectly put together. They send out holiday newsletters espousing the fantastic accomplishments of their children, how many triathlons they ran that year and the fabulous second honeymoon they just took after 30 years of marital bliss.
These holiday intrusions have always made me want to barf. And not because I’m envious in any way, I’m truly not. It just makes me pretty sure that there is probably some nasty dark stuff going on in those homes to propel such a need to appear so damn perfect.
Who ever came up with this idea that “perfection” is possible and what is it? Really, how the hell can anyone be perfect? Didn’t Adam and Eve blow that for the rest of us back in the day?
The perfect people come in to me and say, “We just want our children to do the best they can at all times. Is that too much to ask?” Hell yes it is because I don’t even know what “do their best" means. It sounds exhausting and unattainable. Some days, my “best” is to do absolutely nothing.
We often talk about “human error” and really, isn’t that redundant?
My favorite show on real life families is ABC’s “Modern Family” which premieres its second season tonight. This show is truly “must see “ TV. It just won the Emmy for “Outstanding Comedy Series” beating out “Glee” and 3-time winner “30 Rock” and for very good reasons.
“Modern Family” consists of three families, interconnected because they are all related in some way. There is the patriarch, “Jay” played by Ed O'Neil (think "Al Bundy") and his beautiful and very opinionated younger (much younger) wife Gloria. Gloria comes with an adolescent son Manny who is way too sophisticated and adult for my taste, but this is not unusual for only children.
Gloria, a Latino spit fire voluptuous beauty of a woman, has an ex-husband, the father of her son, who is a sporadic presence in his life. She unrealistically wants Jay to clean up the messes of her irresponsible ex. This is a common and sometimes-fatal error in second families involving children and the show does a great job of dispelling the myth of the “blended family” (71% of second marriages involving children end in divorce). This show is no “Brady Bunch” and as a therapist who specializes in remarriages with children, the first time I saw the show, I wanted to fly to L.A. and kiss the producers’ feet for the bravery involved in showing how difficult these second families can be.
Jay, an old-school macho of a man, has a son he valiantly tries to be proud of and should be. His son, Mitchell, is an attorney, married and has just adopted a child from Vietnam with his partner, Cameron. The partner just happens to be a man.
At first glance, Mitchell and Cameron seem to promote the stereotypes so many associate with gay men. But on closer look, the complexities in each of them teach even the most homophobic, they are a couple that struggles like any other couple. They grapple with their own insecurities, couples communication, differences about each other that drive them nuts and are working hard to raise a daughter in the best way they can. Daughter Lily, a rare find of a baby, has the most deadpan facial expressions that scream, “Can you believe this crazy family I got adopted into?” I burst into laughter every time I see her.
Then there’s Claire and her husband Phil and their three children. Oh you just have to love Claire. Her endearing quality comes in her anal need to control. She so wants that perfect family! And she so vulnerably admits she knows it is a horrible trait of hers. But she simply can't resist her strong need for organization, cooperation, responsibility and accountability from each family member, especially her husband who at first glance acts more like a fourth child than a father. He’s a goof of a man and the looks of annoyance on Claire’s face as she witnesses his flippancy and playfulness are priceless. The more you watch the show, the more you realize how absolutely and ironically perfect Phil is for Claire because he jokes and teases her to tender balance, despite her resistance, and makes her laugh and even at times, relax.
Oh how we need to laugh and relax when we are part of a family.
The finale last season was my favorite. I’ve watched it half a dozen times and it brings me to tears every time. Claire is determined to have the perfect family picture of this very human family and goes to insane measures to make sure she gets just that.
Claire insisted, to everyone’s annoyance, that everyone be dressed in their Sunday finest in pure and perfect white clothes. And, because her family consists of actual human beings, this is what she ended up with…A GIGANTIC MUD FIGHT! Talk about perfect.
As Jay narrates at the end of the show, he says something like this, “When I was 26, I thought I would have the perfect life. I thought I married the perfect person and had the perfect children and then everything fell apart. I never thought my life would turn out like this and that I'd end up being stuck with this crazy motley crew. But I love my life, I love them and I wouldn’t have it any other way."
That’s what made me cry. The beauty and the truth of his statement.
There are no perfect families, no perfect people, no perfect lives.
Life is messy, dirty, dysfunctional, beautiful, crazy and nasty all at the same time.
Like Jay, I like my relationships real. And there’s nothing more perfect than that.
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Jesse Kavadlo
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Comments
I was lucky in having parents whose only (high) expectation for me was that I use my creativity and intelligence to my potential. No one told me what or how to be, and that's still unusual for women. I wouldn't mind being "perfectly" happy, but that's not something I aim for either.
Having studied interior design, one of the key elements of the best rooms is to avoid perfection. Everything needs some humanity in it, and being human means being imperfect.
I really liked this post. Thanks!
I followed Miss Mhold. Oho.
I am busy and in a Wi Fi diner.
`
All families are different and no perfect. I bought a few wood wing-a-jigs that are rural fish crafts.
I think we folk are often normal.
Buy a jack-in-the box Pop Up toy?
It's colorful. Wind up the jack-box.
`
We can be partially intimate with the human family and we all have fruit flies, dirty dishes, dust under the bed (bedbugs?), and we all know a myriad of eloquent diverse people who are not ego-out manic `
Know-it-Awes?
Humans can aspire to be quiet, dignified, discerning, and become sad when we hear`
Ugh bellicose gibberish.
I think hater, warmongers,
politicos, and pro-steal folk -
they are like cracker-jack-box?
They get wound up and show?
They show USA how ill they are?
They are serial killers in disguise?
They cheat at Black Jacks and gorge?
They read cereal box cartons and brag?
+
People travel to Vegas and spend 'our' tax money.
Politico whores deplete the human family health.
Care?
Care is courage.
People live in white red blue trollop whore houses.
They creep the more respectable Human people out.
Maybe when they get a rusty nail hammered in coffin?
huh?
They may wail and howl if they see themselves. Moon.
I am griping in general ref :` those Fools who go Steal.
In the beyond realm? Maybe the/we be bag of peanut.
Nuts?
Goofy?
O Bardo?
O banter.
I out of here.
No forget Oct 22.
I send you flowers.
You send me scallop.
Walt Whitman candy?
I send you empty box?
I can't resist chocolate.
I'll but Ya dirty T- shirt?
You know I jest Loving.
I think you are sort of magical.
Amen.
Manny is too adult, but boy does he remind me of my youngest, although my youngest is more real-- Youngest also started a fedora craze at his school last year : ) and competes with his friends to see Shakespeare plays...
'Perfection' by humans is boring and sterile, maybe because an imperfect human is trying to create it...
Wonderful and refreshing show!!!
I haven't seen this one but looks like I'll have to add it to 'the list' :D.
Family.. ya gotta love 'em. I guess ;).
Rated for imperfections that make life interesting.
If I watched tv I would watch this show based on your recommendation.
Life is messy, but perfectly wonderful even if you can only gove a spit bath!
R
rated.
“I have money”, the man said, “but not enough to fill my every want. I have a loving wife, but sometimes she isn’t as affectionate as I would like. My children are healthy an happy, but they don’t respect me as much as I think they should.”
The man went on and on like this until he had registered 83 complaints of this nature. At last, the Buddha could tolerate no more of his whining.
“I cannot help you.”
Incensed, the man cried out, "But you are the Buddha, the perfectly Enlightened One – how can you not help me solve my problems?"
“Because you have more than just these 83 problems, you have the 84th problem -- you want to have no problems.”
“I have money”, the man said, “but not enough to fill my every want. I have a loving wife, but sometimes she isn’t as affectionate as I would like. My children are healthy an happy, but they don’t respect me as much as I think they should.”
The man went on and on like this until he had registered 83 complaints of this nature. At last, the Buddha could tolerate no more of his whining.
“I cannot help you.”
Incensed, the man cried out, "But you are the Buddha, the perfectly Enlightened One – how can you not help me solve my problems?"
“Because you have more than just these 83 problems, you have the 84th problem -- you want to have no problems.”
“I have money”, the man said, “but not enough to fill my every want. I have a loving wife, but sometimes she isn’t as affectionate as I would like. My children are healthy an happy, but they don’t respect me as much as I think they should.”
The man went on and on like this until he had registered 83 complaints of this nature. At last, the Buddha could tolerate no more of his whining.
“I cannot help you.”
Incensed, the man cried out, "But you are the Buddha, the perfectly Enlightened One – how can you not help me solve my problems?"
“Because you have more than just these 83 problems, you have the 84th problem -- you want to have no problems.”
There really are a lot of good shows on TV, aren't there? This is certainly one of them. I always wonder if people who feel the need to state that they don't watch TV at all are aiming for some kind of perfectionism, too. (That's something no one will ever accuse me of.)
Some people send ok xmas letters, by the way. I remember before, how sick I would get of writing the same damn thing to everyone over and over again. That me would love the modern technology that makes that so easy but this me doesn't do xmas letters or even cards.
Good, wise, insightful, rated post.
I note that the author is a therapist and speaks of her clients -- not so very long ago, most people would have been horrified to seek psychotherapy. Nowadays it's quite common.
And I really don't mind holiday letters if they are literate. I wouldn't necessarily interpret the usual list of kids' accomplishments as a quest for perfection or an attempt to maintain a false front. I love hearing good news. From close friends, you will likely get the real story in person (possibly more of it than you want to know, in my experience).
I don't do holiday letters, and I'm not going to complete a triathlon, but if I cycle the century I'm planning, be assured I'm going to tell people about it.
I have to wonder how many of those blended families are aiming for perfection rather than just trying to figure out how to get through the day.
And, I have sometimes felt like strangling Martha Stewart after one of her examples of turning dross into gold.
I suppose we all see examples of over the top perfectionism.
But perfectionism, whatever it means, simply isn't a major problem facing our society. And, people that are making an effort -- some of which may be misguided -- that isn't totally narcissistic -- I just don't see it as a problem and in many cases seems praiseworthy.
Like some of the women on OS that seem to make a big effort to cook for their families at a remarkably high level of competence, interspersed perhaps with PBJ -- it seems almost heroic in a way.
And everyone knows most families have their problems. If only TV -- then the Drapers have created a real mess for their children. And HBO's Hung has plenty of disfunction.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I SAW a normal nuclear family on television. Since Father Knows Best or Leave it to Beaver, anyway. Even Ozzie and Harriet had an unusual family with Dad benignly unemployed and the younger kid as a rockstar.
I just fail to see that the issue of perfectionism is rampant in our society. And that it is a charge that is inherently impossible to refute.
Exactly what is "good enough"?
By historical standards (or lets just say, since the middle ages), living conditions for even the poor in America are remarkably high. Our poorest citizens are dealing with an obesity epidemic.
Yet I would have trouble saying that we can't and shouldn't do better. A lot better.
Thanks for your post. You are absolutely right. Life is messy and that's how it should stay. I missed the show last night but will put it on my list.
I now refuse to watch Modern Family. If you want a comedy about a "real" family, I find "The Middle" to be a far more accurate reflection. Modern Family is, unfortunately, about self-indulgent people who really have no cares in this world and yet seem to insist that we identify with their scenario. If I knew an actual family like this I would want to deliver a collective bitch-slap. With the exception of Eric Stonestreet, I cringe when this show comes on.
If I knew an actual family like the Heck's in The Middle, I'd want to go out for pizza with them.
It's a great show, and you make the valid and overlooked point about families, and human beings in general: To seek perfection is fine. To demand it is unrealistic and ultimately destructive.
Great review.
http://www.yidio.com/show/the-middle
And, I'm reminded of another blogpost I read on another site comparing these 2 shows. The final sentence was something like "Modern Family is a reflection of how we would like to be while The Middle is a reflection of how we are."
This isn't my closet socialist talking. I sit down 4-5 times a year with my wife's big extended family, with 3 wall street bankers, one of whom makes north of $500,000 from Citigroup. His family is wonderful, he is a good father and husband. And this year he broke far right, siding with the Tea Party against Obama cutting his taxes.
He argues, as did the others, that they deserve it and they are special -- at one point one of them, at Rosh Hashanah this year, said: "why should I lose my perfect life because some people make bad career choices, or are lazy?"
Perfect is a smokescreen to keep the self-gratification going. I strongly agree with the need to re-think "perfect". As in discard it in favor of thinking, feeling, and the mess of compassion.