I think its a great title for a book! You should go for it!
The only self help book I ever liked was "The Secret". Not such a big secret after all. The power of positive thinking is a very old idea.
Great post! How was Hawaii??
R

The Road Less Traveled was my first too, recommended by my psychiatrist decades ago. Great book. I quit reading scads of them when I found so many to fads as you said. Sometimes I just couldn't figure out on my own what parts fit me. For the most part, unless the person who recommends one is walking the talk, I won't read the book.

I'm grateful to suddenly be in a position to have a therapist again, there's nothing like having a trained professional give personalized help. We're all different and have different needs and issues. Her recommendations carry weight because she knows what direction I should head in.

Perfect title for a book, Number on NY times in 5 minutes.
I agree, the best self-help book I ever read was the Tao. It truly changed my life.
rated with love

This is inspiring an open call! A funny one, too, I hope.

I hear you sister. I am in the self help business, as a naturopath, and my goal is to turn on the light bulb of self awareness and responsibility in my patients, not just give them supplements and herbs and say "that'll fix it". Of course, men usually have the harder time reading the books/handouts/directions than the women do. They don't want to change, and I envy that sometimes, the lack of guilt and lack of feeling the need to do any better with self, family, body, friends, compared to women. Unfortunately, women know that if they aren't trying to be awesome, they will be faulted. They are just not supposed to "show" how hard they have tried, it should appear natural and effortless. I say, ladies' need to learn to swear more and use the finger when appropriate. :)

Mary---I'd whole heartedly agree. I'd also add 2 other reason to your list. Self help books are for EVERYONE. Geared to the masses. Not the individual.

And second, they don't prompt thinking. They give instructions. One size fits all instructions.

Real self help comes from fiction, art music, conversations and so on. Not from instruction manuals.

Buy my book, "Learning to Love Self Help Books in 604 Easy Steps."

neilpaul: Ah, you caught me. I am actually writing a self-help book for stepmothers. I will consider it one of the "good" self-help books :)

Susie: Hawaii was true paradise. Let's get together for lunch! Pearl Street is beckoning...

l'Heure Bleue: I love that you read Road Less Traveled and it was also impactful for you. And like you, I'm grateful to the several therapists I've worked with in the past twenty years. My life is so full and rich because of them. Thanks for reading.

RomanticPoetess: Yes, see, there are some very powerful self-help books out there. We just need to always know to weed through them and take what we need and leave the rest behind (an AA saying I believe). Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Oryoki: Great comment and I so agree with you! Swearing has become one of my favorite daily habits! Now I just need to work on the finger flipping part. That one might be a stretch :)

Chicago Guy: I so agree! Music, movies, art...so many ways to learn and grow. Honestly if we all just got a little more mindful and noticed all the beautiful lessons that Nature teaches us, we'd have a little more pocket money and a lot more wisdom. Thank you.

Bill: Only 604 steps? I'm in! Thanks so much for reading.

Great post. I've never been big on self-help books. I've always found my inspiration through biographies/autobiographies/memoirs. Rather than someone talking about the step-by-steps of the "right thing to do" or "how to fix things" it's a lot better to read about how each and everyone of us f**ks up now and again. It happens. We all have ups and downs and our worst and best moments. We all have weaknesses. We're people. 'Nuff said. :)

Rated.

Me neither.

Frequently it is simply an attempt at generalizing the writers personal experiences and presenting them as if they were universal.

However, I think some of the recent Anti Marriage books might be a good start.

Sandra Tsing Loh has one and 'Against Love' by Laura Kipnis is a classic.

The very notion that a relationship 'should' work seems like a valuable place to began clearing the air. The institution (marriage) and its derivative - the 'committed relationship' would be considered inherently defective products if regulated by the FTC.

I suppose it is too simplistic to ask exactly who is the client in relationship counseling. The relationship? The individuals who are inherently conflicted in some manner.

I would say a little TQM or Six Sigma is all that's needed. Or maybe better Pre Nups.

When my first marriage abruptly ended I daily read the slim volume "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", which is to say I read it from cover to cover every day. It provided great solace during a very difficult period of my life. However, having said that, I must confess that dispite numerous attempts, I never read a self-help book before nor have I read one since. I guess at that time I was just really open to any words that would convince me that I was going to survive.

Too many people strive for perfection? Me? I strive for mediocrity.

I love your reason no. #3. Great post and thanks again.

Long ago, I learned that the Saturday night at the self-help section of the bookstore is not a wise place to meet women.

"The Road Less Traveled" was my first too. I read it over twenty years ago and still have it. Thankfully, as I've gotten older, I see people much differently now and haven't felt compelled to read any other self-help books. Although, based on this blog, I'd make an exception for yours!

Great post Mary, I so agree. I've come to the (great mystical) realization in my life that, hey, I'm only human, I'll never be perfect, so lighten up! But you know I'd buy your book..just because it would be your book. :-}

Let me join your band wagon! R

One of my exes favorite pictures is of me having fallen asleep reading a book entitled "How to Make a Habit of Success." I confess, tho, i read "I'm Ok, You're Ok" at a time I badly needed it. Ditto for Perls book on gestalt therapy, tho I don't recall the name of his book.

This is a great post, Mary. The best self-help book I ever read was "The Road Less Travelled" too. That one line: "Life is difficult." That changed my entire mindset at the time. And to this day, I still think it was one of the smartest sentences ever written.~r

The problem with too many self help books is the underlying theme that there's something wrong with you. Sometimes a long walk does the trick.

The best are the Dummy series. Matter of fact, and less ego because it's not about royalties. How about Dummie's Guide to OS?

"Many years ago, my journey to waking up and becoming a conscious human being was through the narrow pathway of a self-help book."

I sleepwalk too. But I don't read self help books in my sleep. To each his own.

Mary,
God only knows I need help sometimes:) but just not into self help books. That title of your should garner you big bucks.. then go for the iPhone app.:)
rated with hugs

And just who the hell decided that you "needed" help?!!

You fit well within the "normal" range of human beings. No freakin' help needed. Be yourself, just yourself, and only yourself. Don't bother with what is "normal" for Tom, appropriate for Dick, or works well for Harry. Fuck 'em all. They live their life - you live yours. Far, far too many people have become convinced that they "have a problem" just because thy are a tad different than their best friend or from some "ideal person" image they have in their mind. When you go off the rails to the point where the men in whit coats put you into a rubber room, then you can worry about "help" - self or otherwise.

Nobody is perfect - everybody is perfect enough! Including you.

:-)

PS
If that doesn't work, do what I did - become a cat! (*~grin~*)

.

Funny and quite wise. You oughta write a book.

You definitely should write the that book. And you're right, most of the therapist-authors are self-promoting divas.

Self help is a dangerous place. Books can guide that, but growth and healing . . . best leave that to therapy. It was the best gift I ever gave myself :)

Awesome post!! I am over self help books too... I've read too many that did nothing for me, and others that had such promise... After reading some that seemed like they made such sense.... They did not work for me, so they made me feel like a failure on top of everything I was reading the damn book for!!

Although your points are of course, valid for you, they may not be valid for everyone else. I still like "self help" books. Why? Because I can just about always find a few good points in any of them. These points either reinforce what I'm doing already, or they give me other ideas and paths to try. I'll always be searching no matter how secure I am because I know there are other ways of being....ways that might be even better. As far as the hypocrisy of some of the writers.....that's ok. You don't have to have a perfect or even a good marriage to write about it. It's easier to write about it then put it into action....that doesn't invalidate the information. On paper it's a lot easier to be the perfect wife or perfect Mom than it is in reality. Most books are preaching and teaching ideals to strive for.

You write very well and I enjoyed reading this.

I don't like self-help books either. Recently I built a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf to house the many hundreds of volumes I had stashed all over the house. I noted with satisfaction that there was not one self-help book there--no, not one.

Great read! One of my classic books I've read and always recommend is The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. and I loved his other book People of the Lie about evil.

And indeed, I read one of his last books, about a trip he took to the U.K. with his wife [who later divorced him after 30+ years of marriage]; he was an alcoholic, a true depressive and toward the end of this life, apparently unbearable to live with. But that line "Life is difficult" which is what Buddha said, is truly liberating.

And yet, I so loved the "good girl label." Then, when I did naughty, it was that much more delicious! And you, dear sister, have always had an incurable naughty streak in you. The one that calls to the little imp I remember: so little, with those innocent blue eyes looking up at a big sister who loves this imp. The imp lives! xo

Can so relate. Well-written and funny -- thanks for sharing!

I have never read any self-help books.
Or does the Divine Comedy by Dante count?

The only steps I need in my life are the 12 steps. That said, I think the real religious dogma in this country is this compulsion to always be or appear to be optimistic about life.

I love this post! As writers we are inherently self-aware, or at least trying to be. I bet many of us have read The Road Less Traveled and gained more support and perspective. Your book is bound to be a best seller, especially when you include your unique brand of wisdom.

Serious note: anyone struggling with serious depression in a loved one or themselves should read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield
Jamison. No steps, but a personal memoir by a professional who's also a patient.

I am thinking of writing 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover... Oh wait! Never mind.

I hope you write your Top Ten Ways as a magazine article. One reason I don't read self help books is that I budget my time. I'd rather learn something or enjoy a good fiction. I do like the website: www.thework.com and almost anything on mindfulness.

Love this!

I worked for a principal who had a new self help book and guru every fall that had allegedly saved his marriage (which needed saved like clockwork every June???), changed his relationship with his children, made him a better coach and principal and would now, as he inflicted it on us, make all of us and the entire school perfect in however many easy steps the author had written. In reality, he was an unhappy man in an unhappy marriage with a job that was beyond his capabilities and a temperament that made him believe the next book would be the one that would make his life all better. It was really quite sad.

Loved this post. Especially since I have been rolling around the idea in my head of writing a self-help book for the past half-dozen years. Maybe I should consider working on a manual called, "How to get off your ass and actually write the damn book, already!"

Rated.

I suppose the trick is to choose the book with care. Books written decades ago were less likely to have been written merely to line the writers' pockets. I haven't read it myself, but I know a lot of people have read Albert Ellis's A Guide to Rational Living and found it invaluable. For those who simply can't afford to pay someone for one-on-one counseling, a self-help book is a less expensive alternative--especially if it's from a used bookstore.

Great. Well written and entertaining. Inspires me to read "The Road less travelled.'

Mary, this is a wonderful post! Funny and also very true! I'm in agreement with you that there are good books out there but that there are also many books that are not worth the paper they are printed on. Some of the weirdest people I ever met were people in the mental health profession who made me wonder how or why anyone would ever seek their advice. When you looked at their personal lives, it made you realize, hey, compared to them, I have nothing to worry about.

Good luck with your new book, LOL!!

My experiences have been very similar. Spent many years in self-help books, psychology offices, 12 step meetings, Bible studies; anything to "make me perfect". What a relief to discover perfection isn't the answer. It took many years to feel comfortable in my own skin but I did get there. : )

My dear Mary ~ and what of all the help I have received from reading your wonderful blog?

Life is too damn short. Viewing myself as an ever and ongoing improvement project steals precious life that I could be spending on other things.

Tom Corle reminded me that "I'm Okay, You're Okay" had a pretty stunning effect on me at the time I read it. Also Dr. Haim Ginot's "Between Parent and Child." But as I get older, I'm with you. Enough already! I'm the way I am because I am. Period. I have gotten to the point that people who quote gurus of the moment left and right get on my last nerve. Thank goodness, I only know one person like that.

Lezlie

Darla: I agree. There are so many sources for us to learn from. I'm a huge fan of movies and have been profoundly affected by them, art, nature. Really it's endless. Thanks for reading.

Nick: Thoughtful comment. I think the "anti-marriage" books will become more prominent. Adults in their 20's are really re-thinking the whole concept of "until death do us part". I will agree with your implied belief that marriage is at the best, difficult. It would not be hard to argue why attempting it may be a little insane. Yet, we continue to. Your question is not simplistic at all, in fact it's quite astute. I was trained as a marriage and family therapist and part of my ethical code is to support the marriage. This is helpful when two people have no hope and it is my sense that the marriage is entirely workable. The work gets very tricky when one partner wants out and the other is fighting for the life of the marriage. Since I was trained in "family systems theory", it works in very similar ways as the TQM process...the recognition of how systems within systems impact one another. The Six Stigma is reminiscent of solution focused therapy, a highly effective therapy that focuses only on what is working or what could potentially work, as well as working on eliminating the patterns, habits, etc. that are contributing to the issues.

Prenups, especially for second marriages on, are essential. As much as we may hate to see it this way, marriage is a business. And so is divorce. Thanks again Nick.

Gratefuldan: Sounds like that book came at the perfect time in your life. I can relate, and I'm glad you survived :)

Indelible: Just downloaded it on my Kindle. Can't wait to read it :)

john: John, you're too modest. You make mediocrity look like pure perfection.

Algis: I know that reason well and it does tend to take away from the books written by them! Thanks for reading.

anothersteves: Sounds like a good lesson to learn! Thanks for reading and the comment that brought a smile.

Reflecting on History: You are very kind. One thing is for sure with me...any self-help book I ever right has to be real and honest. And that may not sell books!

trilogy: Well I'd buy your book too! You know that. Like you, I'm in such a "lighten up" phase. It's so much more fun (this may mean I'm shallow but I can live with that).

hugs,me: Consider yourself joined!

Tom: Do you have that picture? You could write a post around that picture Tom. It sounds hysterical. Fritz Perl was a master...he wrote four or five books so it could be any of those. Now, I'm waiting for the picture...

Joan H: Isn't it fascinating that the line "life is difficult" was so liberating for so many of us? I love that you experienced the same thing! Accepting that first line just made life so much more simple. Thanks for reading.

Margaret: I agree. We need to be good consumers and we need to know that ultimately what we chose to read, we also chose to weed out what works for us and what doesn't. There's a time and place for this kind of goal setting, but there's a time and place to just relax, be open and curious and love ourselves enough. Thanks for reading.

Lea: The Dummie series are hysterical. A good friend of mine and her husband wrote the Dummie's book for marriage and it's a damn good book really. They've been married over 40 years and they are fantastic people. I love the message that is being implied by the names of these Dummie self-help books because basically the title implies that the solutions are DUH, easy! It really is kind of true. Thanks!

Noirville: Humor is the best way to make light of ourselves and you do humor well. You just made me laugh.

Linda: Ah yes, the iphone app...I'm still working on my "How To Find Your G-Spot" app...:)

skypixie0: I appreciate your point. It's not uncommon for people to be a little nervous the first time they come and ask me if I mind working with "crazy people like them". This makes me laugh and I tell them that I find it to be the opposite. I think anyone willing to say they need a little support with something is a very healthy person. I can't become a cat or else I'd be allergic to myself. How about a golden retriever puppy? Thanks for reading.

Matt: You're funny too. Thanks for reading.

divorcedpauline: My favorite line from the SNL skit that does the Jeopardy game show. "Alex" asks "Sean Connery" to chose a category. One the categories was "Therapist". The "Sean Connery" character said, "Alex, I'll take The Rapist for $200. I found there to be a little too much irony in that joke. Therapists would do well to never take themselves too seriously.

The Wanderer: Me too!

JustMeToo: Yes, you know it's time to throw the book out when the book has the power to make you feel even more crappy about yourself than when you started! We all need to remember they are written by human beings. However, there are some great self-help books out there...I just don't feel like reading any of them right now. Thanks for reading and commenting.

patricia k: As I said in my post, I'm feeling in this moment an aversion to any kind of self-help book. Rather narrow minded of me given that I'm quite sure there are some that would be rather good for me. But I would never throw out the baby with the bath water. I think you are quite gracious as to what you expect from the authors of these books. As a therapist, I am nowhere near perfect, but I do not ask my clients to engage in behaviors I'm not willing to do myself. I think it's critical to be congruent from an ethical point of view. But you're right when you say that an incongruent life doesn't negate or invalidate the information. Thanks for reading!

Anna: Thank you so much!

maryway: I love the image of you surveying your books with no self-help one in sight with pride. I must go look at my bookshelves. I need to see if I have any books that aren't self-help!

Deborah: Another TRLT fan! It doesn't surprise me given the parallel tracks you and I both seem to be on. I did not know about his later history but it isn't surprising to me. Some of these very intuitive people are quite miserable.

JC: And where has my "naughty streak been" exactly? Me? I'd love to claim it sister, but you just know, it ain't true. Sadly.

NicoleAthena: Glad you could relate and understand my humor. I appreciate that.

Surazeus: Divine Comedy by Dante absolutely counts!!!

George: I'm happy for you that you found the steps, have worked them and found them to serve you well. Congrats on that. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more optimism, but it's gotta be realistic and that's where the rub shows up. Thanks for your good comment.

Sally: You're the best! And wise..."An Unquiet Mind" is excellent, I agree. Depression is such a nasty dark place and support in every way is needed. Knowing you, you could spit out a great book in a month!

geezerchick: Well, I was kind of kidding, but hey, a magazine article might be fun. Like you, I like the work of Katie Byron. Thanks for reading.

amyrose: Your principal sounds incredibly annoying and invasive. It's so frustrating to see people "in authority" using their authority to try to work out their own issues by imposing crap on others. Glad you enjoyed. Thank you.

Jamie: Yeah, how about this? You can do it in ONE step. Just write it.

Chelle: Oh we could talk for hours. And you're right...it's a profoundly wonderful thing when we discover that there is no such thing as attaining perfection and it's a waste of time trying to pursue impossibility. I'd much rather be around imperfect people anyway. They are much more fun and compassionate. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Monsieur: Well, if you have truly, by accident, received any help from reading my blog, then I will consider that my lucky day!

greenheron: Yes it is. It really is. The thing is that we will always be in a process, and we are living and growing organisms by nature. It really can just "happen". Imagine that. Thanks for reading!

I'm a little out of order here, my apologies:

Snippy: I love the work of Albert Ellis and I recommend his books all the time. I love "cognitive behavioral therapy" and there are some great workbooks. I think anyone can learn this if they really applied themselves to the work as prescribed in the workbooks and not spend a second of their life in a therapy office. Having an anxiety disorder in my thirties, a couple of those books and just 6 visits to a CBT specialist, and I was good to go. And I agree with you too. There are a lot of great books out there and they are a lot cheaper than therapy! Thanks for reading and your good comment.

Laura: Thanks so much for your good words and for reading.

Uncle Edgar: It makes me cringe to read your words but I also agree with them and hope I'm not one of those people with a HUGE blind spot who doesn't see myself in this. What people really need to understand is that there is no perfect book on parenting, on marriage, on living life. We get to figure it out for ourselves, and if a book is helpful in the process, great. But most of those books aren't all that. Thanks for reading!

L in the Southeast: Yes, being raised in Catholic schools/church, books like "I'm Ok, You're OK" were awesome and much needed. And there are seasons in our lives for this, but the older I get, the more I realize that all the self-focus just ends up being narcissistic anyway. Thanks for reading and your great comment.

I agree that some of the self-help books out there are not so helpful. On the other hand, there were times in my life (fighting depression; my father's sudden death) when self-help books saved me. It's like every other genre of literature--some are works of art and others are junk. Great Post!

Thank you for your post. Your comments linking self-help and narcissism are spot on. And I fully agree with the comment below that "Real self help comes from fiction, art music, conversations." We need more "It's Not About Your Self" help.

Awesome stuff, MK. One of these days I keep meaning to write "12 Steps Boiled Down To 2: 1) Don't buy your mind-altering drug of choice, and 2) Don't accept any as gifts, either."

Really, seriously. I had my stretch of Self-Help indulgence in my twenties, and I totally resonate.

YOU'RE the self-help book I read now, Mary!

And yes, in full agreement. There are many times those books were just what I needed. Super grateful for some. Really. Probably the earlier ones, most of all.

But at this juncture of my life, I find them simplistic and annoying and dogmatic. The Secret makes me want to hurl. Its such a scheme.

Beth, thanks for showing up for this. Loved your post this morning. Still pondering it. And yeah, the Secret is definitely the quickest way to get rid of the last meal. UGH! You rock. You know that.