"American Idol": The Whitest Wonder Bread Finale of Them All
Can you say, "Yee Haw"?
This season of “American Idol” produced some of the best talent and the most diversity in all of the combined seasons of "American Idol". But if you just tuned in last night for the finale performances between the last two contestants, you would have never known it.
Scotty McCreery, an Alfred E. Newman look alike with a perpetual “What me worry?” smirk on his face boasts from North Carolina and is all of seventeen years of age. His rival, Lauren Alaina, is a Georgia peach of a 16-year-old girl who all season long exuded sweetness and an innocence that was disarming to most. And oh yeah, those two can both really sing and their twangs are terrific!
Lauren and Scotty could be identical twins except for the minor difference of their gender. They are white, country music singers, and Christian. Lord are they Christian. They are so identical they even have the same favorite quote, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Visions of the Double mint twins singing arm in arm were stuck in my mind.
As for the judges, despite the fact that one is Hispanic, one is African American and one is a ROCK STAR, let’s be honest here. This has been a kinder and gentler judging panel, almost Pollyannaish. These judges were as white wonder bread as the final two teenage contestants.
Lauren, being a teenager, showed up with a pre-made excuse, complete with a permission slip from her doctor. He even came on stage to explain that Lauren blew out one of her vocal cords. Seacrest was milking the story for all it was worth trying his hardest to make us feel sorry for her as if we were a room full of codependents at an Alanon meeting.
Hey kid, this is showbiz and the show must always go on!
There were three rounds for the final performances. Round 1 was the contestants ‘ favorite song of the season.
Scotty, in a move unusual for a good Southern boy, started first. He sang, “Gone”. Watching him tonight all I could think was, “Didn’t he sing this last week? And the week before? And the week before?” Is it smart to sing a song that has the word ‘GONE’ in it over and over?"
Lauren sang, “Flat on the Floor” and I swear it was the same song she sang last week. Her voice seemed to be holding up just fine.
Scotty was up again and this time he sang, “Check Yes or No”, a song that was handpicked by George Strait, Scotty’s idol. And yes, once again, Scotty sang the same exact song! Except this time, instead of walking around the judges' table and yucking it up with the hand picked pretty girls up front, he stood in the middle of the stage and played his snazzy acoustic guitar and did that raised eyebrow, cock his head shrug his shoulders look at the camera that has crept me out all season, if only for a moment.
Lauren sang, “ Maybe it was Memphis”. To be honest, I kind of missed most of her performance. I had run into the kitchen for some much needed nourishment to get through the show. I could hear her singing from the kitchen but I could have sworn they were replaying one of her older performances as I got distracted in concocting the most magnificent ice cream sundae. I did catch the last bit of it. She had transformed into Glinda, the Good Witch of the West except her gold gown had been appropriately shortened for her sweet sixteen age. She looked so adorable!
And you won’t believe what Randy said. I was concerned for the guy, I really was. He was all excited and all in a dither, frothing and foaming at the mouth. It was reminiscent of Linda Blair. As his head was spinning, he was shouting, THEY'RE BOTH IN IT TO WIN IT!!”
I never want to hear this expression again.
Round 3: One final song. A song that would be their first single should they win “American Idol”.
Scotty’s song, “I Love You This Big” turned out to be a real tearjerker. He needed everyone really BIG and his mom was crying and the judges were crying and there wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd.
Lauren came out dressed in virginal white and sang a song to her mother. Forget the tears, the place was flooded. Her mom was sobbing, the camera crew was sobbing, I was sobbing. The judges got more than sappy and all three pledged their love, devotion and first-born child to her and mothers all over the country with tear-stained faces were desperately grabbing their cell phones to text Lauren’s number over and over again, late into the night if need be.
Randy, JLo and Steven Tyler had to be subdued and gagged with duct tape as they were declaring Lauren winner. Scotty and Lauren stood side by side, dazed and confused staring off in the distance mumbling over and over, in unintended unison, ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengths me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. “
Move over Bristol Palin, America has a new “American Teen Idol” and her name is Lauren Alaina.
SLIGHT BREAKING UPDATE:
Okay, so Randy Jackson, JLo and Steven Tyler had it wrong. Yes, and I got it wrong too. I always do. In fact, I've never successfully predicted the winner of "American Idol" EVER. Yes, I know. Simon would never have gotten it wrong.
Move over Pat Boone, Scotty McCreery is the new kid on the block and America's new "American Idol".
See you in the fall for "X Factor" featuring Simon Cowell and his adorable, often tipsy slur-her-words sidekick, Paula Abdul.