I woke up Friday morning and didn’t remember. As the early morning warm sleep slipped away, I could feel the familiar cold dull pulse of a heart confused and the sadness of the unknowing came rushing in like an avalanche. I got up slowly and reluctantly, feeling as if I had slept on a bed of nails. My reflection in the mirror showed a stranger. How could this be my face, so old, haggard and pinched? I dunked my head in a sink full of water and refused to look again.
My business card contains the quote, “The nature of life is change” and I was cursing myself for putting it there. I was tired of change and the unpredictable nature of life. The thought of holing up in the nearest dark cave seemed more than appealing.
Instead I became purposeful, knowing distractions are allies to a spirit covered with thorns. I was grateful for the weekend planned, a grand weekend really to be spent with two cherished daughters and the men in their lives, one of them my future son-in-law. Aspen, Colorado was our destination to look once again at the wedding site where my daughter and her future husband plan to exchange wedding vows next fall.
I left in the morning knowing they would join me at the end of their work days and I delighted at the thought of being alone in the car with strong coffee as ally to a weary body and an ipod full of music that was sure to nurture my soul.
I knew there would be aspens dotted along the highway, clustered in the mountains, and taking over the slopes in their arrogant and bright golden display, damn right proud like peacocks.
I knew the Aspens would conspire to heal.
As I drove away and headed up the winding roads, there were remnants of cynicism. I knew I could change my geography, run away as fast as I could, but I was bringing those demons with me and I was having a hard time shaking them off. It seemed such a shame on a morning awash in sunshine and hope.
But as the miles wore on and my car pushed forward, I took the turn that would take me over Independence Pass, a place so full of fall glory I had to restrain myself from pulling over in the car, dropping to my knees and thanking the powers that be for the gift that Nature was presenting. Through tear-filled eyes inspired by the beauty before me, I made it over the pass and dropped into the town of Aspen and quickly changed clothes to get on my bike.
The bike that would take me to the Maroon Bells, the place that has never failed to soothe, calm, inspire and remind me of the timeless wisdoms that Nature tries to teach on a daily basis. So on my bike I went. A short way into my ride, I climbed up a hill without changing gears and the chain slipped off leaving me spinning my legs in a whirl.
With a groan and a sense of impending doom, I unclipped and pulled over, throwing the bike down, cursing out loud. I shook my fists at the gods that be. I needed healing, dammit and I needed it now! I knew I was quite competent at plenty of things, but nothing mechanical. No way could I do mechanical.
But I confronted The Block and took to the lessons of my childhood and the little engine that could. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I figured out the chain, reattached it and hopped back on, and despite the black grease on my hands and it happening one more time, I didn’t care. I was going to do this. I was going to reach the top to the path that leads to the lake that mirrors mountains so majestic you’d swear they were ancient gods.
As I rose higher and higher, my heart pounding and muscles aching I began to feel the release. Clouds came rushing in failing to dim the fluorescent glow of those aspen leaves, and despite the sweat and the exertion, I began to relax. There were aspens all around me and they swaddled me in sweet cocoon and surrender. As the winds blew, the aspen leaves fell like grace from their tall homes and showered me gently like balms of comfort and tender kisses of care.
I listened to them carefully as their golden slivers of light fell around me and whispered, “You are enough. You will be okay. In fact, you will be spectacular. You are alive.” And I believed them as I joined in with them, “I will survive. I will thrive. I will laugh and cry, be silent and talk, shed another tear and then laugh again."
I had a smile so wide I’m sure anyone who saw me was convinced of my lunacy, but I had never felt more sane.
That night I fell into a deep sleep. In my dream, I floated across the room, across the country, the planet and eventually I drifted across the Universe over to the other side, to the place of Nothingness. And in the Nothingness, I found myself as I landed gently on an eternal field of soft lemony aspen leaves and knew that I had finally come Home.
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Jesse Kavadlo
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Comments
It is indeed like life.
HUGGGGGGGG
Grace is quite astonishing isn't it? And it transforms everything. No exceptions.
This is so beautiful.
Nature and grace~ two of the deepest healers. ~r
"I go to Nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in tune once more." ~ John Burroughs
Stay strong, Mary. But stay vulnerable, too.
Nature nurtures and you are truly right that, "The nature of life is change."
You are one of the wise ones Mary and an inspiration to many!
How gracefully told is that!
♥R
And you, Mary, are one of those rewards. The world is a better place. Thank you. r
Linda: Oh that would have been a little intimidating going over Independence Pass on a bus. Not a whole lot of shoulder on many parts of that pass. And yes, indeed like life! Thank you and hugs right back.
Sheila: Agreed! Thanks for reading.
Gail: Ah Gail, my soul saving healer. Thank you so much for your wise words...loved this, "you will find it deeper and deeper and tumble into it". I bow in respect to your wisdom and your good friendship. Thank you.
Diary: Thank you so much.
Owl: Yes, sometimes nothing is enough during certain times of extreme pain and loss and the good thing to always remember is that everything is temporary. Thank you so much for your good words.
Cathy: Yes. I'm working on the "gentleness" part...hanging out with you this week is helping me learn. Love love.
Candace: Isn't this what I've been saying to you?! We are sisters or maybe even identical twins from previous lives. I heard your voice in this too and I was happy to see that confirmed. Thank you! Come to Boulder!
zanelle: Is it odd to say that I have reread that last paragraph over and over as it continues to bring me comfort and help? I love it too. And the picture was a perfect find. Thank you.
Lea: I love that you pointed out the iPod. I hated seeing the news about Steve Jobs and the challenges he faced, so many of us face. Thank you thank you.
montanarose: May I say that I have cut and pasted your comment to keep forever saved? Gorgeous really and such a beautiful analogy from a friend whose been there through thick and thin and everything in between. And yes, the reminder that tomorrow is another day is always important to remember when we become immersed in sadness. Thank you!!!
Miguela: I go to Aspen at this time every September. I feel most fortunate. Only a 3 hour drive and the drive itself is experience enough. Thank you so much for reading.
Bernadine: Considere me an ally to you as we walk a path of pain and liberation together. Thank you!
Joan H: My deepest thank you for your comment. And for being there. You know what I'm talking about. I just adore you and your beautiful giving heart. Thank you for all of that.
kellylark: (((((((((Kellylark)))))))) Your comment did my heart good and reminded me of the wonderful conversation we had several years ago. Me sitting up in the tree house and you in Florida and we're talking as if we've known each other for years. It feels that way. Your comment made me smile so much, and yes, the blessing of where I live is a bit overwhelming sometimes, all in the best of ways. Thank you again.
Lainey: Thank you for sharing your quotes. I loved them. And yes, I agree about the vulnerability. What is the point of a shattered heart if at the least, we don't become softened in some way? Hugs to you.
Matt: Matt, I was so thinking of that song as I was riding up that aspen golden hill! And then when you reminded me, it too was playing all day in my head, except Sting was singing it. I love that song! Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
hybalean-Julie: Ah Julie, thank you and may I say, YOU are pure awesome.
ladyfarmerjed: Yes, nature nurtures and supports and is all around us to be of assistance. Thank you also for your kind words to me.
Fusun: Hi Fusun! Thank you for appreciating that line. When it came into my mind, I was filled with great comfort. Thank you for being you.
Oryoki: Sister Joan lives in Crested Butte and Kebler Pass is a dream. You know what I'm saying. The images themselves inspire. Thank you!
trilogy: So glad this was helpful to you and please consider me ally to you as we walk these rocky paths together. Thank you.
AJ: Good words AJ...."Life is impossible, but we go on." Yes we do because what other choice do we have? So we might as go on with grace. And your kind words to me mean a lot. Thank you.
Chicago Guy: I'm glad you picked on that line. When one is overwhelmed, there's such a gravitation to doing nothing which sinks us even further. I look forward to reading the piece you told me about through the PM (in SF playing with family). Thank you!
diananni: I'm thankful that you're alive. Thank you!
Susan: Well Susan I just want to hug you. Thank you so much for reading and resonating.
Linnnn: Ah the Appalachians...love mountains and that "clear clean air". Thank you so much.
Karin: Hi Karin! Thank you so much for reading and getting in. This brings even more comfort.
dirndl skirt: Thank you so much!
Major Mojo: Thank you so much for reading and appreciating. As for the "back story", it's not that the content in my life isn't important, it is. But I didn't want to go into those details for a variety of reasons, but mainly because the content may vary but it is rather how we respond to the content that truly matters. My content is specific to me, but what I'm saying is universal to all and that is especially what I desire to share and connect with. Hope that makes sense.
tr ig: Trig, thank you!!!! Think of you and son Eli often...
Maria: I'm so happy you joined me on my journey. I take satisfaction in knowing I'm in such great company here. Thank you!
Tom: Ah, Tom, what lovely words to say to me. And I loved this, "to say more would be to try to gild the aspen leaf." Well done. And thank you, thank you.
Fantastic post and I hope that all is well!
Roger: I have no problem with you stealing that line! There's much truth and relief in distractions, as long as we don't use the kind of distractions that numb us. I'm doing well, thank you so much for reading and commenting.
When we bought our house, the only beautiful things to look at were/are outside in our yard: Aspens. Especially when the wind blows...
Write more! You are missed around here : )
thank you for your sharing with us.
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