Like everyone, there have been times when the insults, gossips, falsehoods, judgments and the finger pointing, some expected and some not, have come hurling at me like fireballs. My skin and inner core weren’t thick enough to absorb the blazing burning of the looks and opinions of others and my desire to defend and explain was manic and immature.
I desperately wanted, felt I needed to, had to be, heard and understood.
There were innumerable times when the way to defend was delivered in loud torrents of angry words and raised tones, as if I were convinced that the volume of my discourse would simultaneously connect and barricade me against those who couldn’t or wouldn’t comprehend.
I would later think back with shame and remorse at how, despite my best intentions, I had lost it…the composure, the restraint, the control to not react but rather respond.
During one particularly long-winded tirade at the one I loved, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. There is nothing more ugly than a face distorted with anger.
Some months ago, I received an email full of accusations that from my vantage point seemed grossly unfair. My heart was pounding like a gavel in the judge’s courtroom. My face burned a crimson red upon reading and absorbing. I could hear my loud and justified spitfire responses that would soon be spat upon the sender of the email. I could taste victory in the air as I imagined how I would prove my points beyond argument and cause the other to feel stupid and remorseful. Vindication seemed more than reasonable.
But mainly, truthfully, my motivation was born from a craving to being heard and understood. I longed for it like a persistent sideache. It was damn right verging on an addiction.
Miraculously, contrary to my usual vocal style, I chose a different course. I honored their wishes that I not respond to the email in any way. My ego was in strong disagreement but in a rare moment of discipline, I resisted and simply let it be.
I learned the powerful lesson of space. The long-standing tension and strain in the relationship dissipated in those weeks of silence and nothingness.
I turned my need to be heard and understood inward and the lessons learned became only between me and me. Dignity became a visitor to me and I practiced in earnest to allow it residence in the deepest parts of me.
I practiced this like a new instrument and sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed.
The other day was a good day. A day that was full of things productive and forward moving. The dark clouds that had been following me like shadows had subsided and I was filled with the kind of joy that requires leaving the childish ways behind.
Yet life holds its fire drills and there was an unexpected intrusion filled with threatening and hateful words. The face was close to mine with eyes distorted and dazed with contempt and once again my heart was pounding and my defenses on full alarm. In my mind, I could hear the rush of words that were ready to be avalanched at the one who stood inches from me. But my practice had paid off and although I felt sad, confused, misunderstood and angry, I kept my composure and walked away.
One can find great comfort when disentangling themselves from the arduous and painful tentacles of old beliefs and ways of reacting. There’s relief in surrendering to the exhaustion created by the fruitless bitter words and tones, the adamant self-defenses, as if those explanations could somehow make believers out of those determined to not listen to them anyway. The ones, who just like me, felt unheard and misunderstood.
The past is the past and I could be fairly accused of many crazy things from days gone by. But why stay in the playground that has been rusted and worn while the swings hang empty and alone?
The child resides in me and she is well taken care of. She is listened to, she is understood and despite my age, I skip on the wooded path that leads me to places wild and unknown.
They say that practice makes perfect and I am lightyears away from that, but Dignity has become a familiar companion and quiet truths ring boldly in the heart of this grown woman who has consoled herself that she has well earned the chance to be at peace. Despite myself. Because of myself.
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Jesse Kavadlo
Mary Wagner
keri h
Frosty Funk
Wren Dancer
Liane Carter
Salon.com
Comments
Now I just do not bother as these people are just not worth it. My life is my own - it's not theirs.
HUGGGGGGGGGG
Rated and appreciated!
Rated with love.
I'm working on two things.
1. The need to get the last word.
2. The need to be RIGHT.
Especially when dealing with people who exhibit these exact tendencies.
♥
We never stop growing and changing, hopefully for the better.
Good to 'see you' here as always!
However, defending oneself can have its problems, too, especially when the target is in a position of power or authority. As a child, one begins to learn when it is wiser -- or at least safer -- to sit on anger rather than express it.
The result of all this is that it becomes difficult to draw the line between self-defense and self-destruction. It sounds like you've learned where to draw that line.
Dignity is a good friend in these times, a rare and elusive, much needed friend.
Thanks for writing, Mary, may 2012 be a much better year!
You made my day, thank you. I so often feel I'm wasting time here, and it is a blessing to learn somebody gets something from my efforts.
There's a lovely country song sung by either Alison Krauss or Keith Whitley (maybe both) whose refrain is: "You say it best when you say nothing at all." The song embodies a more romantic context than what you're dealing with, but the point is the same: the power of a well-chosen silence. Kudos to you, my dear friend.
Love you Mary;
D
Just one of the many paragraphs that sang:
"I turned my need to be heard and understood inward and the lessons learned became only between me and me. Dignity became a visitor to me and I practiced in earnest to allow it residence in the deepest parts of me."
How extraordinarily arresting is this capacity to finally become attentive to our needs. Your final three sentences are luminous. 'Despite myself. Because of myself. ' Your voice has really arrived.
I love that you chose to see triumph over angry behavior as "Dignity." Bingo! For me, self confidence and personal loss also help/ed me find greater balance.
Unbreakable: I agree. Watch any reality TV show and telling someone off is considered normal fare. For me, it was intrinsic. I'm still working on it. Life offers many triggers and ample opportunities to practice!
Belinda: Loved this, :the child and parent and adult join core principles". This is a great illustration of healthy integration and congruence...a quite challenging but rewarding task. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Cathy GF: Loved the line from the movie and thank you!
Sheila: Yes, "letting go" seems to be a huge task of becoming an actual grown up, despite the resistance to do so. Thank you!
The Songbird: Your comment made me smile. I think I wish I knew you back then. There's something wonderful about that spitfire stage in life, as long as it is temporary. Loved this, "I'm nobody's girl now" nor should we ever be, whether we're in relationship or not. Quite liberating and I know you know it. Thank you!
BuffyW" Yes, wise woman, you had to learn it didn't you? You are one brave warrior woman and perfection has no place for those of us who know we are human yet strive to be just a little bit better. Love to you.
AJ: Good to see you AJ! Your comment was very powerful to me, and empowering. This, "When we reach that threshold of righteous anger then turn and walk away, for the tormentor the world stops for a moment. He has been a witness to true power." Wow. Brilliant AJ, really and I thank you deeply for it.
Scarlett: Thank you Scarlett for reading and resonating. Funny how so many of those euphemisms we learned growing up are so true.
Nick: Oh that is a tall order isn't it? Quite brave of you to admit what is true for so many of us. I used to be very attached to the need to be right. Would stand on a chair if need be to pronounce my rightness. Now, it just makes me laugh. It's just pure silliness, truly. Thank you so much for reading and for understanding.
FusunA: When I read your post yesterday, I felt such a strong connection to you and I have no doubt that what you say is true. We are on very similar paths, you and I and I will remember you today and tomorrow and the next....
trig: Thank you friend. Always good to see you and hope you and yours come to visit in Boulder sometime again! Think of your boy quite often.
Tom: Yes, what Chicken Maaan said! OS will not feel quite right without your consistent and steadfast presence in it. I've known you since the get go and I find comfort in that. Your words here are, as always, wise and perceptive, direct and instructive. As for me, let's say that I'm still in the process of learning where to draw those lines of distinctions. They can be quite blurry at times. Again, thank you for you and your wonderful comment.
kerih: Thank you and it's a true work in progress. 2 steps forward, one step backward, 5 steps forward, 3 steps backward, that kind of thing. Patience is required :)
Just Thinking: Yes, I would say that these past five months have been the most intense of my life for several reasons, unrelated events that have been heart shattering and continue to be. I say this, not as victim, definitely not as a victim. I have contributed to some of it and for some, I haven't. The silver lining is the opportunity for growth and self-knowing. My heart has been broken open and there are many treasures in that. Thank you for noticing!
Chicken: I appreciated your comment and your honesty. The "inner bitch" posts...anger, and especially how women express anger has always been something I'm interested in. I was punished by spanking when I was a child and expressed my anger so it had to take an inward turn. Anger repressed is a dangerous thing and the emotion itself is as sacred as any other; learning to express it that way is another. And yes to your comments about Tom Cordle. He is a good and wise man. Thank you for reading and sharing.
I Love Life: Thank you so much for reading and understanding. As for the listening skills, this is always a learning and a practice. I think I'll focus on that one today. Easier for me to listen in session than in my other life, and I love the reminder.
Julie: I'm glad if this was of some help. Hugs and love to you!
Sarah: The Irish temper! One of my excuses too! Thank you for that.
Erica K: Yes, anger does has its place...it's just in the way it gets expresses. For me, that has always been the tricky part.
Ben Sen: Yes we do Ben Sen...want to be loved so so so bad. Yes, I get that and I thank you for reading and being a light on this sometimes dark path of life.
ANFSCD: To each their own as they say. How about spitballs with dignity? I think that is entirely possible.
Thoth: Thank you much Thoth. Really.
montana: Oh I think you have a really really big idea of the toll it's taken on me. You've been a precious friend and earpiece for years so I give you partial credit for being such a wise and loving friend. I love that song (reminds me of "Notting Hill") and I thank you for having such a great song to remember when the urge to be volatile arises in me, as I know it most certainly will. Let's get the puppies together soon!
Lea Lane: I'm going to trust you on this one Lea. I am. Thank you.
Owl: Thank you for reading...and yes, practice, practice, practice. It's all a practice...for as long as we have breath.
Denese: This is hard to practice! And I agree when you say, "I see it as a way to respond that you're both worth it". We're all wounded, we're all in pain, we all want to be see. And yes, we're worth it. I love you too Denese. Thank you for being such a loving presence in my life as of late.
Gail: Love you Gail and your vats of well-earned wisdom. Looking forward to seeing you on the 14th.
Sally: I know you have learned in many hard and agonizing ways the truth of this and I thank you for all your good sharing about it. I continue to, with you, aspire. Thank you!
Brazen: Thank you for reading and resonating and your good words.
"Yet life holds its fire drills" - great line.
So after 25 years of self medication with alcohol and drugs, I discovered that I was an emotional retard - forty-two with the emotional intelligence of a fifteen year old kid... it took a few more years to put together all the pieces, but I've finally reached a semblance of self respect and emotional maturity so I can navigate my life without blowing up. I still have to resist the impulse but I count to ten, shake my head and deal with it.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
Old Man on the Mountain
Sandra: Good to see you!
rated with love
Just kidding.